Let's compare Max Payne 3 to The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Everything ripped apart in a Bikini Bottom minute.
Everything ripped apart in a Bikini Bottom minute.

Since we've just had some fun at Max Payne 3's expense, I figured it was time to give the game its due and discuss some of the deeper themes and mechanics that drive the experience. Just kidding, you've already seen the title, this is where I compare the storyline of Max Payne 3 to that of 2004's SpongeBob Squarepants movie. I initially came up with this idea back in 2012 when I pitched it to my editor at the now defunct BeefJack site that I used to write for. It somehow got accepted and I would later learn that it was one of the most popular articles in BeefJack's history. Since it's no longer available on the archived site, I figured I'd reproduce it here for posterity's sake. The world must know. So here's a rundown of how the storyline, characters, specific scenes and set pieces, subplots, and resolutions of Max Payne 3 strangely link up with those of The SpongeBob SquarePants movie. Yes, really.


There's a guy whose name is in the title. He's clearly the protagonist.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-protagonist


He's got a friend who he relies on.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-friend


He drinks too much whenever he's depressed

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-drinkdrunk


and feels like shit in the mornings.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-myhead


His adventure starts when an important public figure

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-rodrigo


is robbed of something dear to him.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-theft


It's pretty obvious who the villain is, but our hero doesn't know that yet.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-villain


Also, our hero's friend has a thing for a member of the public figure's family.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-crush


Anyway, our hero takes it upon himself to get back the stolen good.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-quest


But to do that, he must venture into dangerous territory.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-dangerous


So he significantly changes his appearance

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-facialhair


and immediately gets mugged for his troubles.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-robbed


He enters a seedy bar where more tough guys accost him

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-seedybar


and he retrieves what was taken from him.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-retrieval


Later on, he finds someone committing inhuman atrocities

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-cyclops


and allows those victimised by the man to get their payback.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-payback


Then he comes across the villain's henchman

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-neves


who has a prominent moustache.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-tache


They do battle on unstable ground

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-unstable


with the occasional slow motion dive.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-shootdodge


The henchman wastes his time with talk, which is his downfall.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-monologuing


And it's up to our hero's friend to save him.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-rescue


Now it's time to settle the score with the villain.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-standoff


To make everything epic at the climax, a rock song kicks in.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-goober


Ultimately, the villain lies defeated

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-defeat


after getting stomped on for still showing contemptuous arrogance.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-stomped


And our hero has found peace after embracing his true nature.

SpongeMax-SquarePayne-theend

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It was literally THE most popular article in BeefJack's history. If I recall correctly it did like 50k in day one alone.

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