FADE IN:
INT. MCS JAMES MACALLAN - NEAR TYPHON
We find ourselves aboard the STARSHIP MCS JAMES MACALLAN en route to the planet of TYPHON, which is controlled by the INTERSTELLAR MANUFACTURING CORPORATION (IMC). This is a SCI-FI GAME, in case you HADN’T PICKED UP ON THAT YET.
JACK COOPER (V.O.)
Pilots are fucking awesome. The true stalwarts of the battlefield. Take a look at this cinematic trailer of a Pilot kicking IMC ass. Isn’t that dope as shit? Pilots can kill fifty people with a single grenade and fifty more when it explodes. When Pilots jump, everyone asks “HOW high?” Pilots can have their pie AND eat it. They rock.
RIFLEMAN JACK COOPER is being trained by CAPTAIN TAI LASTIMOSA, who is a SEASONED PILOT.
JACK COOPER
Hello sir. Thank you for gracing this lowly Rifleman with your presence and wisdom. I love you.
(blushes, looks away)
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Alright, enough of this senpai shit. I’m supposed to get you up to speed on the previous game’s story universe, but since that was mostly communicated via tiny video feeds drowned out by crazy hectic multiplayer, I’ll bottomline the wiki for you. You and I are part of the Militia. We love trees and just want to farm this part of the Frontier, but the IMC is wiping us out so it can pave over everything. Basically corporate space nazis versus the resistance. Star Wars with Titans instead of lightsabers, if you will.
JACK COOPER
Thank you, sir. That’s incredibly easy to grasp because it’s as rote as my name.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Exactly. Now let’s continue your training. Remember that us Pilots are outfitted with jump kits that allow us to avoid all fall damage and even keep our arms intact when we grab ledges at terminal velocity.
LASTIMOSA puts COOPER in a SIM POD and engages a VR SIMULATION to teach him how to BUNNY HOP and look MEGA COOL while doing it.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
That was mega cool, dude. I’d say it’s time to call in your first Titan. You’ll have to establish a neural link with it before you can proceed.
JACK COOPER
A neural link? Wait, does every Pilot have to mind meld with the Titans they operate? Those things are ground up like crumpled cans on the battlefield! That must be one hell of a mental strain.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
They’re only disposable in multiplayer. Here, Titans are special little snowflakes that become your soulmate. How else are we going to infuse this extremely generic war with personality?
JACK COOPER
This is going to be the weirdest buddy cop story ever.
EXT. ROCK VALLEY - TYPHON
COOPER takes part in an ATTACK on an IMC FACILITY, but of course it goes SPECTACULARLY WRONG. The MACALLAN CRASHES, the RIFLEMEN are OVERRUN, and COOPER is WOUNDED. LASTIMOSA rolls up in his TITAN.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Cooper, you’re hurt! I’ll drag you to safety and then deal with these enemy Titans.
JACK COOPER
You’re the greatest, sir! I have the utmost confidence in your ability to --
LASTIMOSA proceeds to get his ASS HANDED TO HIM by TWO IMC TITANS. COOPER witnesses his MENTOR getting PANCAKED and just plain PASSES OUT from SHOCK. When he COMES TO, he approaches LASTIMOSA’S DAMAGED TITAN, which DISEMBARKS his PILOT like it’s HOCKING A BIG LOOGIE.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Agh! Cooper, I’m dying. You’ll have to link with my Titan and complete the mission.
JACK COOPER
You really think I’m ready to be a Pilot? All my training was in VR simulations! Endlessly playing Call of Duty doesn’t prepare you for fighting an actual war!
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Can’t you just appreciate this Obi-Wan moment I’m trying to create? You’ll have to hurry, the IMC will be here any minute. Unless you feel like giving me a burial, I’m sure there’s plenty of time for that.
(dies)
After BURYING LASTIMOSA, COOPER puts on his HELMET and JUMP KIT. He then addresses LASTIMOSA’S TITAN.
JACK COOPER
Hi. Uhh -- I’ll shake your hand if you promise not to crush mine.
BT-7274
My name is BT-7274, but you may call me BT. It is not in my power to hurt you. My third protocol states that I must always protect my Pilot.
JACK COOPER
Of course you operate on strict protocols. Less buddy cop and more buddy RoboCop, eh?
BT-7274
Correct. My second protocol is to uphold the mission, so we must rendezvous with Major Anderson of the Militia.
JACK COOPER
What’s the first protocol?
BT-7274
Establishing a neural link with a Pilot. Please embark at this time.
COOPER jumps aboard BT, some GREEN SHIT happens, and they HEAD OUT, fighting IMC SOLDIERS and TITANS along the way.
BT-7274
Pilot, our combat effectiveness rating will increase as we --
JACK COOPER
Okay look, can we maybe skip a couple of beats in our developing relationship? Everyone knows how this goes. Right now you’re all deadpan, you don’t understand figurative language, your matter-of-fact appraisals will contrast with the general absurdity of our adventure, and so on and so forth. But then we survive increasingly hazardous encounters and warm up to each other, so you’ll go from calling me Pilot to using my last name to finally calling me Jack. Bada bing bada boom, we bonded. Sound about right?
BT-7274
Oh thank fuck! You have no idea how boring it was to keep up that dead monotone. Yeah, I love shortcuts, let’s do it!
(beat)
Jack.
INT. HYDROPOWER PLANT - TYPHON
COOPER and BT enter a HYDROPOWER PLANT. Or possibly a WATER TREATMENT FACILITY. Look, it’s basically got a WHOLE LOT OF PIPES IN IT.
JACK COOPER
What are we doing here, BT?
BT-7274
We’re still linking up with Major Anderson, but he’s really far away, so the objective for the next couple of levels is “get through them.”
JACK COOPER
And murder everyone along the way, yes?
BT-7274
There’s going to be so much murdering.
As they’re murdering their way through the PLANT, a VOICE chimes in over the PA SYSTEM.
KANE
What’s this? A Militia Titan in my facility? Minions, kill him!
(maniacal laughter)
JACK COOPER
Who the fuck was that? I’m guessing a bad guy, right? I don’t mind catching some flak for having the most mundane name ever, but you don’t use Kane for anyone other than a villain.
BT-7274
Kane is a member of the Apex Predators, an IMC combat unit staffed exclusively with eccentric mercenaries. The IMC wasn’t sure it would come off as evil enough on its own, so it hired a group of ruthless war criminals. Fuck anyone who played on their side in the first game.
JACK COOPER
Were the people who killed Lastimosa part of the Apex Predators too? I should think so, that guy I glimpsed before I passed out was wearing big pelts over his armour and collecting the ears of the fallen. I thought I had ended up in Far Cry Primal for a minute.
Once they’ve traversed the PLANT, COOPER and BT run afoul of KANE.
KANE
Woooh! I live for this shit! Hang on.
(rails line of coke off his Titan)
THAT’S THE STUFF OKAY WE FIGHT NOW!
BT-7274
Yeah, I’m guessing they all have buckets of personality to compensate for the fact that you have very little.
JACK COOPER
what do you mean i have lots of personality i quip about stuff and everything
COOPER manages to KILL KANE and then STEALS HIS RADIO.
JACK COOPER
Why am I hearing solemn piano music like my best friend just died?
INT. AUTOMATED FACILITY - TYPHON
This time, COOPER and BT enter an IMC MANUFACTURING FACILITY.
JACK COOPER
Oh look, they’re building prefab houses for settlers. Maybe the IMC isn’t so bad after all.
BT-7274
These houses aren’t going to settlers, they’re meant for IMC training drills in urban combat.
JACK COOPER
Really? Oh sure, that makes sense. Why bother with VR simulations that can easily render any feasible combat scenario when you can spend millions on building it all in real life?
After getting SEPARATED, COOPER follows the ASSEMBLY LINE to a TRAINING DOME, where he is greeted by ASH, the next WRETCHED MERCENARY PILOT.
ASH
(monotone)
You show impressive skills, Pilot. I shall take great pleasure in teaching you how to die.
JACK COOPER
Wait, you’re a robot too? Inside a bigger robot? Tell me, does your face open up to reveal a tiny little robot? That would be hilarious.
ASH
I detect sarcasm.
BT finds COOPER again and together they fight and kill ASH.
EXT. IMC RESEARCH FACILITY - TYPHON
COOPER and BT have reached MAJOR ANDERSON’S RALLY POINT near a DESTROYED RESEARCH FACILITY.
JACK COOPER
Okaaay, I found Anderson, but he’s stuck inside the ceiling. Must be a clipping bug. Hang on, let me reload the last checkpoint.
BT-7274
Wait, I think Anderson actually materialised halfway through the ceiling somehow. My magical scans that can detect everything indicate that he was looking for an experimental IMC weapon in this facility. I recommend you find the other half of his body.
Once COOPER works his way into the OVERGROWN RUINS, he is suddenly WHISKED AWAY to a PRISTINE VERSION OF THE FACILITY and then BACK AGAIN.
JACK COOPER
What just happened? It seemed like I literally flashed back to when this place wasn’t a smoldering ruin.
BT-7274
Oh, just some time distortions. Whatever, no big deal.
JACK COOPER
I’m randomly phasing through the interwoven continuum of space and time, and you’re acting like it’s just a stroll around the block? Did I miss out on some huge aspect of this sci-fi universe?
BT-7274
(robotic yawn)
COOPER finds ANDERSON’S LOWER BODY posed like WILE E. COYOTE after FACEPLANTING into a CANYON.
JACK COOPER
Hey, he’s got a neat watch. Yoink!
The WATCH turns out to be a DEVICE that allows COOPER to INSTANTLY JUMP BETWEEN THE TWO TIME PERIODS.
JACK COOPER
Wait, am I following in Anderson’s footsteps? I saw him greeting Lastimosa in the intro, so he must have travelled back in time before me. Or would our pasts intersect? Are we dealing with different timelines? If they’re overlapping, that might explain why the fires are still burning in the present while all the bodies have fully decomposed and everything’s covered in vines. But then, if Anderson was spotted and got phased inside a ceiling, why didn’t that --
BT-7274
Dude, there’s a prompt that says “Press X to time travel.” I recommend you stop overthinking this and just have a fucking ball.
COOPER proceeds to CAUSE MAYHEM in the PAST, which actually helps PRECIPITATE THE FACILITY’S DESTRUCTION.
JACK COOPER
Okay yeah, this is awesome.
BT-7274
I have decoded Anderson’s log playback. He discovered that the IMC was testing a Fold Weapon, which can distort space and time to cause destruction on a planetary scale. His comments suggest it is of alien origin.
JACK COOPER
But the faster-than-light travel that allowed humanity to reach the stars was mentioned as stemming from the ability to fold space and time. Wouldn’t it make more sense to attribute this weapon to that than hinting at fucking aliens?
BT-7274
What did I say about overthinking things?
JACK COOPER
HA HA I JUST PUNCHED A GUY IN THE PAST AND THEN TEABAGGED HIS ROTTEN CORPSE IN THE PRESENT!
BT-7274
That’s better.
Eventually, COOPER learns that the FOLD WEAPON relies on a POWER SOURCE known as the ARK. He finds it in a WEIRD TIME ANOMALY STILL LIFE DIORAMA THING that occurs when the WEAPON’S FIELD TEST goes WRONG.
JACK COOPER
Can’t have a big sci-fi story without something being called the Ark, that’s for sure.
BT-7274
Jack, if you can scan the Ark, I will be able to trace its location in the present.
JACK COOPER
Are you sure it’s safe? It looks pretty radioactive.
BT-7274
It’s fine. Later on, you end up touching the damn thing.
After COOPER scans the ARK’S ENERGY SIGNATURE, he is transported back to the PRESENT.
BT-7274
The IMC is planning to use the Fold Weapon to destroy the Militia home planet of Harmony. We have to warn them.
JACK COOPER
Bad guys with British accents, a dead mentor, and now planet-destroying superweapons. Lastimosa sure wasn’t kidding when he compared this story to Star Wars.
EXT. IMC INTERSTELLAR BEACON - TYPHON
COOPER and BT arrive at an INTERSTELLAR BEACON and link up with a PLATOON OF MILITIA RIFLEMEN led by CAPTAIN COLE.
CAPTAIN COLE
Thank God, a Pilot! If we keep gushing about how mind-blowingly amazing you are compared to us lowly Riflemen, would you mind repeatedly putting your life at risk to get us out of here?
JACK COOPER
Sure, what needs doing?
CAPTAIN COLE
If we want to use the beacon to send a message to the Militia, we’ll need to get the power back online. You’ll have to find an arc tool down in the substation first.
(beat)
I know you can do it. You’re so awesome and brave.
COOPER heads down into the SUBSTATION and steals an ARC TOOL off a REALLY SAD ROBOT.
CAPTAIN COLE
Great. Now head into the power chamber behind us and manually jump start the relays. It’s radioactive as all hell in there, but you’ll be fine because you’re such a badass.
Using the ARC TOOL, COOPER brings the POWER BACK ONLINE. He then returns to the RIFLEMEN.
JACK COOPER
I won’t claim that decontamination sequences are very popular in games, but don’t I need one after that? Radiation exposure is what killed James MacAllan in the first game.
CAPTAIN COLE
Nah. Next up: we need a new uplink module for the communications dish. There’s one located on the other side of this crazy platforming section up ahead. You’ll be fine. You’re so amazing!
(opens thesaurus)
Astonishing, breathtaking, remarkable, stunning, wonderful.
JACK COOPER
Aw shucks, guy.
EXT. IMC COMMUNICATIONS DISH - TYPHON
COOPER and BT head to the DISH and manage to retrieve the UPLINK MODULE.
BT-7274
Jack, if you want to install the module, I’ll have to throw you to the top of the dish.
JACK COOPER
A fastball special? We are just hitting all the tropes here, aren’t we.
BT HURLS COOPER up to the DISH.
BT-7274
Still got it. Note that, as soon as you install the new module, the dish will automatically reorient itself.
JACK COOPER
Right, I won’t even bother pointing out how ridiculously unsafe that is. I suppose the complete disregard for OSHA compliance is another nod to Star Wars.
As soon as COOPER installs the MODULE, the DISH rotates DOWN and he SLIDES OFF. BT manages to CATCH HIM and ABSORB HIS INERTIA all at once. COOPER does a THUMBS-UP and BT COPIES IT.
BT-7274
Ah, thanks. If I end up dying by slowly sinking into a pool of lava, I can now offer a final gesture of camaraderie.
JACK COOPER
That’s exactly why I taught you that. It’s pretty much a given one of us is going to die.
On their way back, COOPER and BT are intercepted by RICHTER, that APEX PREDATORS MERCENARY with the PELTS and the EAR FETISH.
RICHTER
Achtung! Time for another boss battle!
JACK COOPER
(doubles over laughing)
What’s with the open mic night Schwarzenegger impression?
RICHTER
Did you at any point assume this game would take itself seriously? Schweinehund!
JACK COOPER
Also, why do you all insist on popping out of your cockpits to taunt me before a fight? I could just blast you to bits mid-sentence.
RICHTER
Dis ist ein cutscene!
RICHTER climbs back in his TITAN, which is then SUMMARILY EXPLODED by COOPER and BT.
JACK COOPER
See you at the party, Richter!
Eventually, COLE uses the BEACON to call in the MILITIA FLEET.
EXT. IMC INTERSTELLAR BEACON - TYPHON
COOPER and BT are met by SARAH BRIGGS, COMMANDER of the MILITIA.
SARAH BRIGGS
Sorry it took me a while to get here, I had to apply my shiny foundation. Wait, where’s Lastimosa?
BT-7274
Captain Lastimosa was killed right through my armoured cockpit somehow. I am now linked to Rifleman Jack Cooper.
SARAH BRIGGS
(points to Cooper)
What, this guy? This little Trifleman? That’s what we Pilots call them, hah. Ditch him already and let’s get you linked to a proper Pilot.
JACK COOPER
Whoa there! Captain Cole! What were some of those adjectives you were using regarding my performance?
CAPTAIN COLE
(sighs)
Amazing, remarkable, awesome, breathtaking.
JACK COOPER
Interesting. Hey BT, remind us of our current combat effectiveness rating?
BT-7274
It now exceeds ninety percent.
JACK COOPER
Ninety percent, how about that.
SARAH BRIGGS
Very well. If a machine says you’re okay, you’re okay. We’ve traced the Ark to the IMC flagship Draconis, which is set to deliver it to the Fold Weapon. Whoa, that may very well be the most sci-fi line I’ve ever uttered.
EXT. IMC AIRBASE - TYPHON
The MILITIA stages an ALL-OUT ASSAULT on the IMC AIRBASE where the DRACONIS is DOCKED. After a FUCKING CHAOTIC BATTLE, they arrive TOO LATE to prevent it from TAKING OFF, so they PURSUE IT.
JACK COOPER
Couldn’t we have waited for the Draconis to launch if we had an entire fleet ready to chase it in the air? Or hell, even carpet bombed the shit out of it? I lost count of the amount of Titans we lost in that battle.
SARAH BRIGGS
We had to put that in to give you a taste of multiplayer! Now let’s get to the Draconis!
After a lengthy AERIAL BATTLE, which involves a COMPLETE LACK OF WIND RESISTANCE and ANOTHER SMUG MERCENARY, COOPER and BT manage to BOARD THE DRACONIS. Right after COOPER shoves the ARK inside BT’S COCKPIT, the SHIP starts to LOSE ALTITUDE.
BT-7274
The Draconis is going to crash. I will shield you with my body.
JACK COOPER
Don’t say it.
BT-7274
We --
JACK COOPER
Don’t you fucking say it!
BT-7274
We. Are. Groot.
JACK COOPER
Goddamnit.
After they SURVIVE the CRASH, COOPER and BT are captured by the IMC.
EXT. FOLD WEAPON FACILITY - TYPHON
BT, who has been DISMEMBERED save for his RIGHT ARM, is in the hands of KUBEN BLISK, LEADER of the APEX PREDATORS. COOPER is being held nearby.
KUBEN BLISK
I am a South African mercenary in a game that has robot soldiers and explosive shurikens, so if you want to make any references to Elysium, please get them out of the way now.
JACK COOPER
Forget it, I’m done with references after BT’s little Guardians of the Galaxy shtick back there.
KUBEN BLISK
Good. Now tell him to release the Ark or I’ll put one between your eyes.
BT-7274
Trying to use my third protocol against me, eh? I need to make sure just how much danger my Pilot is in before I can open my cockpit. Bring him a little closer to my one functional arm, would you?
KUBEN BLISK
Oh sure, that’s not suspicious in the slightest.
As soon as BLISK drags COOPER closer, BT attempts to SWIPE AT THEM. He ends up getting SHOT TO BITS and BLISK runs off with the ARK.
BT-7274
It was worth a shot. Jack, the mission falls to you now. It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.
BT pulls his OCULAR SYSTEM and drops it in front of COOPER. It contains a SMART PISTOL, a KNIFE, and BT’S DATA CORE.
JACK COOPER
YOU HAD A SMART PISTOL THIS WHOLE TIME?
COOPER fucking BELTS HIS WAY through the FACILITY, AIMBOTTING IMC SOLDIERS along the way.
JACK COOPER
Pew pew pew! Whoa, this thing is so overpowered.
IMC SOLDIER
fuk u bastard smrt pistol is 4 nubs
(brained)
SARAH BRIGGS
Pilot, you’re alive! Do you have BT’s data core?
JACK COOPER
Yes, I’m holding it out in front of me as I dive headlong into combat!
SARAH BRIGGS
Maybe don’t do that? That’s BT’s robot soul encased in that thing!
JACK COOPER
But it is okay to mount them on the front of Titans like goddamn hood ornaments?
SARAH BRIGGS
Fair point. Now get over to the Fold Weapon! It’s almost ready to fire! I’m sending down another Titan chassis for you. Stand by for --
(dramatic beat)
TITANFALL YEEEAAAH!
COOPER heads outside and calls in the new TITAN. He installs BT’S DATA CORE into the OCULAR SYSTEM.
BT-7274
I’m back, baby! What did I miss?
JACK COOPER
Just me owning ass with the smart pistol. Why aren’t we simply issuing that to every Rifleman?
BT-7274
I could say the same for this Predator minigun my new chassis comes equipped with. Can you believe it has an autoaim feature as well? Now get inside me and let’s go!
JACK COOPER
Phrasing.
INT. FOLD WEAPON FACILITY - TYPHON
COOPER and BT explode their way into the FOLD WEAPON CONTROL ROOM, where they find BLISK inside his TITAN.
JACK COOPER
Blisk! Quick question before we fight to the death. Since BT has pretty much become my soulmate over the course of about a day, have you developed a similar bond with your Titan? Do you both revel in the evil deeds you commit?
KUBEN BLISK
Are you kidding me? I’m such a cardboard cutout villain that I’m not even allowed to have such humanising connections. Also, you don’t get to fight me. Slone, my second in command, will take care of you.
SLONE
Yes, it is I!
JACK COOPER
Oh right, you. The one I have such an adversarial relationship with. Slone, was it?
Once SLONE has been DEFEATED, BT attempts to STOP THE FOLD WEAPON, but its INJECTOR BACKBLAST WHATEVER disables him with COOPER still inside.
BT-7274
Critical internal systems overloaded. Severe damage.
JACK COOPER
You JUST got this chassis! This is like when I cracked my iPhone screen right after unboxing it.
BLISK returns and climbs up on BT so he can literally LOOK DOWN ON COOPER.
KUBEN BLISK
I’m not going to kill you.
JACK COOPER
Because I’m currently incapacitated and it wouldn’t be a fair fight? That’s awfully sporting of you.
KUBEN BLISK
No, because it’s not in my contract. That ended when I delivered the Ark. There’s no money in killing you.
JACK COOPER
Huh, this must be the first time a mercenary’s drive for nothing but a paycheck works to the hero’s advantage!
KUBEN BLISK
It also helps that I seemingly don’t give a flying fuck about any repeat business with the biggest client in the known universe. Anyway, here’s my card.
(winks, leaves)
BT-7274
Jack, I have an idea. Have you ever seen Pacific Rim?
JACK COOPER
You and your references. Let me guess, you’re planning to sacrifice yourself by detonating your reactor core inside the Fold Weapon?
BT-7274
Exactly. Time for a Rimjob.
BT climbs into the INJECTOR, which LAUNCHES HIM towards the ARK.
BT-7274
Whoops, almost forgot my third protocol! FASTBALL SPECIAL!
Right before he flies into the ARK, BT disembarks COOPER and TOSSES HIM OUT OF HARM’S WAY.
JACK COOPER
WHEEEEEE!
BT-7274
Hey! I'm trying to make a valiant sacrifice here!
JACK COOPER
I know! Uhh -- I was yelling "BEE TEEEEEE!"
BT’S REACTOR blows up the ARK and creates a WICKED FUCKING PLATFORMING SECTION for COOPER, who uses it to RENDEZVOUS with BRIGGS. They JUMP INTO ORBIT right before the ENTIRE PLANET IS CRACKED IN HALF.
SARAH BRIGGS
You did it, Pilot! I hope you like getting congratulated, because there’s going to be an endless amount of it back on Harmony.
JACK COOPER
(wipes away tear)
If only BT could be there to see that.
SARAH BRIGGS
Don’t worry, there’s a post-credits scene that implies a copy of BT’s AI functions survived inside your helmet. Please don’t start asking yourself all kinds of questions about consciousness and whether a simulacrum still constitutes BT’s identity. This isn’t SOMA.
JACK COOPER
So now I literally can’t get him out of my head.
SARAH BRIGGS
Funny you should say that.
JACK COOPER
Why?
SARAH BRIGGS
Well, because-cause-cause th-th-th KKKHHHRRRSSS--
The IMAGE suddenly STALLS and SCRAMBLES before it cuts to...
INT. MCS JAMES MACALLAN - NEAR TYPHON
COOPER finds himself back in the SIM POD facing CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA.
JACK COOPER
What? Why am I back here? Am I phasing through time again?
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Ah, I see you got the Fold Weapon simulation. That's a good one. Bit schlocky if you think about it too much, but it's a real rollercoaster!
JACK COOPER
Simulation? It -- none of it was real?
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Of course not! We like to give prospective Pilots a little taste of how fucking awesome our whole deal is. There's a bunch of different simulations we use for that and they kick in during the tutorial segment to catch you unawares. You got the one with time travel, I got the one where all the robot soldiers rise up against us and we have to team up with the IMC to defeat them.
(scoffs)
MAJOR ANDERSON
(walking by)
I thought I single-handedly saved the Frontier from actual fucking aliens, haw haw!
JACK COOPER
But --
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Look, don't worry. Once you start to consider how ridiculous it would be if you were immediately a better Pilot than myself, you'll come down off it. Scratch that, all of it was ridiculous, wasn't it? I mean, that Richter guy? They voiced him like Schwarzenegger for a fucking laugh and kept it in!
JACK COOPER
I -- I can't -- you died! I buried you!
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
Oh man, I was so wasted when they called me in to record that! Completely phoned it in and they went with my first take.
(gravely)
The mission falls on you now!
JACK COOPER
You -- what -- and what about my link with BT? He's -- I love him!
BT-7274
Rifleman Cooper, I am currently linked to Captain Lastimosa. In time, you may acquire your own Titan.
JACK COOPER
(choking up)
BT, no.
COOPER attempts a THUMBS-UP, but there is NO REACTION FROM BT.
CAPTAIN LASTIMOSA
(slaps Cooper on the back)
Don't sweat it, kid. Now come on, we've still got an actual war to fight!
COOPER once again takes part in the ATTACK on the IMC FACILITY. He is immediately CRUSHED TO DEATH by an ENEMY TITAN.
THE END
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