FADE IN:

EXT. WHEREVER-THE-FUCKLAND - MIDDLE-EARTH

This TOTALLY FRESH NEW REIMAGINING of J.R.R. TOLKIEN'S MYTHOS begins with SOME FEMALE VOICE-OVER describing the origins of SAURON.

NOT GALADRIEL

Blah blah blah Dark Lord blah blah blah One Ring blah blah Men blah blah Elves blah blah blah blah where the shadows blah. For a hundred billion years, the myriad races of the dense, iconic fictional universe that is Middle-earth have fought and died in gruesome and thrilling conflicts the likes of which literature has never seen before or since. But fuck all that, let’s see what the glorified security guards are doing over in the boonies.

EXT. GUARD TOWER - MIDDLE-EARTH

ARAGORN THORIN LEGOLAS BARD TALION, a grim-faced, white, middle-aged ARCHERY EXPERT, is being WAY TOO FUCKING HAPPY with his FAMILY.

WIFE

Husband, as one of the four women in all of Middle-earth, I’m worried that spending our entire lives in the company of like thirty horny ranger dudes living a block away from hordes of monstrous subhuman murderers might give our child developmental problems.

TALION

Nonsense, wife of mine! He’ll be a perfectly adjusted young man. See? I’m teaching him sword fighting and everything!

WIFE

Actually, he's teaching you. It's your tutorial level.

SON

Seriously dad, you have to counter once in a while.

TALION

Fuck you guys, I'm totally an expert fighter!

WIFE

And remember when you snuck that kiss? That was actually a stealth tutorial.

TALION

Great, now I'll remember the soft touch of your sweet lips every time I slit an enemy's throat.

WIFE

Hey, my name is actually Ioreth. Why does it just say WIFE above my lines?

TALION

Eep, that's not a good sign.

Suddenly, ORCS appear to SLAUGHTER pretty much EVERYONE and DEFEAT TALION in about TEN SECONDS. They are led by THE BLACK HAND OF SAURON.

TALION

Damn! How could we Rangers have possibly suspected Orcs might ambush us here at the guard tower we use specifically to watch out for Orcs?

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Put down the sword, Ranger. Or else we’ll kill your family.

TALION

Okay fine.

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

And now we shall kill both you and your family.

TALION

Fuck. I am not very good at this whole "guarding humans" thing.

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Wait, is that Troy Baker voicing you? Finally, two of the most prolific voice actors in gaming can share a scene.

TALION

Wait, what? Are you Nolan North?

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Who else would it be? How's Troy doing?

TALION

Not bad, not bad. He's the new Joker voice now.

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

THAT WAS GOING TO BE NOLAN'S GIG, YOU BASTARD!

The BLACK HAND kills EVERYONE, but TALION GETS BETTER.

TALION

What the shit? Why am I dead, but not dead dead?

WRAITH

Greetings, grim, white protagonist out for revenge. I am an even grimmer, even whiter protagonist who's not entirely sure what his motivations are. Probably revenge. I have selected you to play host to my eternal spirit so that we might deliver justice to the Orc scum.

TALION

Yeah, because Middle-earth people totally need an excuse to slaughter Orcs. So what powers do I have now?

WRAITH

You mean in addition to goddamn immortality so you can literally keep trying as many times as you want until you succeed? You also have the Eagle Vision from Assassin’s Creed and the upgrades and counter abilities from the Arkham games.

TALION

I would make a point about how unoriginal that is, but this is actually pretty awesome. Let’s get genociding.

EXT. MORDOR, SHADOW OF - MIDDLE-EARTH

TALION/WRAITH stands atop a GHOSTLY WASHINGTON MONUMENT and surveys the LANDSCAPE.

TALION

By the gods, such variety! Look over there! An Orc-infested wasteland! And over there! More Orcs! And more wasteland!

WRAITH

Yes, gaze at the majesty of all twelve of our shades of brown. Marvel at the texture pack we borrowed from Fallout 3. Observe the Orc captains, who actually legitimately look awesome.

TALION

Yeah. If Weta Workshop had hired some of this game’s designers, then maybe the Hobbit movies wouldn't have looked like screensavers. So what do I do now?

WRAITH

Kill Orcs.

TALION

And then what?

WRAITH

Kill more Orcs.

TALION

Okay. What then?

WRAITH

Orcs. Kill them.

TALION

And then I --

WRAITH

Kill Orcs, yes.

TALION

Got it. And what about those mission markers strewn about the map?

WRAITH

Ah yes. Those are quests which will require you to kill Orcs in new and interesting ways. You’ll have to kill Orcs with arrows, kill Orcs with swords, kill Orcs using stealth, kill Orcs with banana peels, kill Orcs with mean words, kill Orcs with lawnmowers, and occasionally, you might even get to hack into an Orc's brain and learn their secrets.

TALION

Before I kill them?

WRAITH

Yes.

TALION does all this for a bit.

WRAITH

Keep in mind that all these Orcs are randomly generated. Each comes with a special name, a spot in the Orc hierarchy, and a set of strengths and weaknesses you'll have to learn if you want to be successful in killing them.

TALION

Randomly generated, you say? At least that means nobody specifically wrote in this Orc named Kâka Runny-Bowels who's deathly afraid of sock puppets.

After cutting his way through A LOT OF ORCS, TALION charges at KÂKA RUNNY-BOWELS with a SOCK PUPPET on his ARM.

KÂKA RUNNY-BOWELS

(cowering)

Noooo, sock puppets! My only weakness! Which one of you told him? I'm looking at you, Dûsh Bag-Head!

TALION

(killing Orcs left and right)

Man, I am cleaning house here! We should just get a few more wraiths on our side and finish this whole war over the weekend.

WRAITH

No time for that now. Look! A creature from the movies that we won't acknowledge!

Sure enough, GOLLUM appears.

GOLLUM

(hisses)

Greetingsss, filthy man creature. Gollum is here, yesss, to deliver referencesss that vaguely connect all this Orc-ssslaughter to essstablished canon. Gollum! Gollum!

WRAITH

You sound alllmost like Andy Serkis. Bravo.

GOLLUM

Fuck off.

WRAITH

Whoa, shit! He can see me!

GOLLUM

Yesss, Gollum knows your sssecretsss. Sssomehow. But Gollum will not reveal jack ssshit until you do some questsss for me.

TALION

Do they involve Orc-killing?

GOLLUM

Yesss.

TALION

You came to the right place.

EXT. CASTLE - MIDDLE-EARTH

On one of the QUESTS, TALION encounters an ORC who's about to be EXECUTED.

RATBAG

Oy there, human! Cut me loose and I'll work for ya!

TALION

Hmm, I don't know. Literally every single Orc anyone has ever seen has been unconditionally evil. The only reason I haven't killed you yet is that this is a cutscene.

RATBAG

Racist. Just think of me like a scheming little cruise missile. Just gotta aim me in the right direction is all.

TALION

Fine. I’ll carry your shrimpy Orc ass up the corporate ladder. Just remember who your friends are when you make CEO!

TALION HELPS RATBAG by MURDERING OTHER ORCS. He also encounters some HUMANS hiding around MORDOR.

HIRGON

Hail, Ranger!

TALION

Hail, jackass!

HIRGON

The fuck, dude? You and me are like the only non-slave humans in all of Mordor. We should at least try to get along.

TALION

You're a treasonous headstrong cunt.

HIRGON

Treasonous, sure. I ran away from my guard post, just like you should have done before your family got shish kebab'd. As for headstrong and cunty, go ahead and look in the mirror, pal.

TALION

Yeah well, you're far too obsessed with freeing your men from slavery and not nearly obsessed enough with killing Orcs.

HIRGON

Yeah, I'M the asshole. Look, just free some humans once in a while. I'll help you. Eventually. Somehow.

TALION starts doing something NOT SELFISH for once.

EXT. MURKY DARKNESS - MIDDLE-EARTH

GOLLUM appears again so there can be more PANDERING.

GOLLUM

(hissing some more)

Guesss who'sss back! And look! Gollum hasss brought objectsss to jog memory of ssshiny wraith man!

WRAITH

How utterly unlike Planescape: Torment. Oh well, at least this game's ripping off good properties for the most part. Also,

(remembers shit)

Holy balls! I'm the dude who made the Rings!

TALION

No way!

CELEBRIMBOR

Way indeed! I am Celebrimbor the Unpronounceable! Finest smith in the history of Middle-earth! Son of Curufin of the line of Feanor, who fled to Nargothrond after the Dragor Bragollach poisoned my lands with fire! It was then that I --

TALION

Okay, you're Elf Jesus, I get it. If I wanted to read the Silmarillion, I'd get the audiobook. Or just stab myself in the ears because seriously, the Silmarillion sucks.

CELEBRIMBOR

Point is, it turns out I'm also trying to get revenge for my family.

TALION

Phew, thank God. For a moment there I thought we might be not completely identical. Anyway, what powers does this unlock?

CELEBRIMBOR

None whatsoever. It's just that ten minutes ago I was really sure I wanted to kill Orcs, and now I'm really REALLY sure I want to kill Orcs. Let’s get to it.

EXT. EVIL CASTLE - MIDDLE-EARTH

TALION knocks down a STATUE OF SAURON, which prompts the appearance of THE HAMMER OF SAURON.

HAMMER OF SAURON

Okay, who's the jackass who let the humans get all Berlin Wall on our big evil monument?

RATBAG

I am, sir. Your faithful, useless, cowardly, weak, spindly, obnoxious, sycophantic servant.

THE HAMMER OF SAURON responds by HAMMERING RATBAG in addition to HAMMING IT UP.

RATBAG

Remember me -- as a hero!

(dies)

TALION

You asshole, I put that guy through Orc college! Come at me!

HAMMER OF SAURON

Can’t touch this!

But TALION CAN touch this! With his SWORD! He WINS! LITHARIEL then appears.

LITHARIEL

Rest in peace, Ratbag. May the angels sing thee to thy slumber.

TALION

Holy shit, a girl! In Middle-earth! Giant eagles, monstrous trolls and colour-coded wizards I can understand, but a WOMAN doing hero shit? How progressive!

LITHARIEL

Yes, one whole woman. Really pushing up against the status quo, aren't we? I mean, greetings hero! I come bearing a message from my mother. She wishes to speak with you. Also, she's bugshit crazy.

TALION

Sounds good.

INT. DOCKSIDE CASTLE - MIDDLE-EARTH

TALION speaks to QUEEN MARWEN.

QUEEN MARWEN

Greetings, traveller. I am Marwen, wise blind seer for these sailing folk, who occasionally goes all crazy and starts acting completely out of character and talking in a different voice.

TALION

Yeah, you seem kind of possessed.

QUEEN MARWEN

(pulling on collar)

Why would you say that? Possessed? Me? Silly man, you wouldn't know the first thing about possession. And neither would I. Since I've never been possessed even a little bit, not even in college.

TALION

(sighing)

What do you want, crazy lady?

QUEEN MARWEN

To teach you how to, well, possess Orcs and turn them into your slaves.

TALION

Jesus. And we're the good guys here? That sounds an awful lot like brain rape.

QUEEN MARWEN

Except it's okay because all Orcs are inherently evil. In fact, we're helping them by enslaving them and teaching them how to be good.

TALION

You haven't seen Roots, have you? Fuck it. Let’s hack some Orc brains.

TALION binds DOZENS OF ORCS to his WILL.

TALION

Sweet! I can control the destinies of dozens of little Orc minions by eliminating their enemies! I’m a goddamn puppetmaster!

CELEBRIMBOR

Yes, truly this is a dark path we tread. Though lowly and ill-made, these Orcs are nonetheless living creatures whose free will we are --

TALION

And I'll name this one Uruk Clapton, and this one is Mickey Orc, and this one I’ll call Bene-Orc Goblinbatch!

CELEBRIMBOR

Don't get carried away, Talion. Remember, these are our sworn --

TALION

DUDE! I can watch 'em fight! FIGHT ORCS! FIGHT FOR YOUR MASTER'S GLORY!

CELEBRIMBOR

Ehmm yeah, it is kind of cool that we can watch Orcs murder each other for a change. But aren't you being a little callous with all this --

TALION

Dammit Orcy Orc, get your shit together! I got fifty bucks riding on this match! Hmm, I wonder if adding Leif Urukson to my roster will get us past the playoffs. Alan Orcin's injury will probably keep him out all season and Goblin Ramsay's just shit at defence.

CELEBRIMBOR

Wow, you’re really getting into this whole The Sims: Orcs minigame, aren't you? Wasn't there a dead family you were supposed to be avenging?

TALION

ORCS ARE MY FAMILY NOW!

INT. DOCKSIDE CASTLE - MIDDLE-EARTH

With his ORC ARMY in tow, TALION returns to QUEEN MARWEN.

TALION

Alright, we've got an Orc army of our own. Now what?

QUEEN MARWEN

Now you should use it to attack Sauron!

TALION

Okay.

QUEEN MARWEN

Also, DIIIIIEEEEE!

MARWEN begins GHOSTBUSTING CELEBRIMBOR with her MAGIC STAFF.

TALION

Why are you doing this? We were following your plan!

QUEEN MARWEN

Yes, but I am actually being possessed by Saruman!

TALION

My second point still stands!

QUEEN MARWEN

Because fuck you, that's why. Now come to mama, wraith man!

But LITHARIEL runs into the ROOM and BREAKS the STAFF, which FREES MARWEN.

QUEEN MARWEN

Thank goodness you came to my aid, child! For the past few months I’ve had a 90-year-old heavy metal singer inside me!

LITHARIEL

Ew mom, gross!

QUEEN MARWEN

Yes well, I'm better and younger now. I'm sorry for forcing you to build an Orc army, Talion.

TALION

It's cool. Turns out I'm now going to build an even bigger army and use it to attack Sauron.

QUEEN MARWEN

Thereby doing exactly what Saruman wanted you to do?

TALION

Well yeah, but it doesn't actually help him at all. Saruman kind of sucks at making plans, it seems.

TALION helps LITHARIEL find some MEDICINE for her MOTHER, all the while EYEFUCKING his new FEMALE COMPANION.

CELEBRIMBOR

Now now, Talion. Remember, this woman is of the living and you are of the dead.

TALION

So? My dick isn't necrotic. Presumably.

CELEBRIMBOR

It would be disrespectful to your wife and son.

TALION

Oh yes, because any husband or wife who actually moves on with their life after suffering a loss is just being disrespectful. Fuck you, I want to get laid.

LITHARIEL is suddenly CAPTURED!

TALION

Dammit. It seems no woman is safe from the Law of Video Game Damsels.

But then, LITHARIEL escapes!

TALION

Wait, she's actually accomplishing shit on her own! This could be --

Wait no, LITHARIEL gets CAPTURED AGAIN.

TALION

Eh, we tried. Alright, time to rescue a princess from a big ugly monster. I’m sure video games have never covered THAT story before.

Eventually, TALION saves LITHARIEL.

LITHARIEL

Why did you come back to save me?

TALION

Because I had a wife once. And you remind me of her, what with having two X chromosomes and everything.

LITHARIEL

So if I'd had a penis, you'd have left me to Orcs?

TALION

Yeah, I guess.

LITHARIEL

You suck, just, so hard.

EXT. CASTLE - MIDDLE-EARTH

TALION leads his ARMY against SAURON and fights his way up to THE BLACK HAND OF SAURON.

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Still you persist in this futile slaughter.

TALION

Yes. I would kill a thousand Orcs before --

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Not that. I’m talking about Tolkien canon. The movies were bad enough, what with the shield-surfing, elephant-slaughtering Legolas and the Pirates of the Caribbean-style ghosts who swoop in to instantly save everyone. But all the shit you've pulled in this game? I mean, goddamnit man, why'd they even need the Fellowship if you were here chewing through Orcs like Thin Mints the whole time? Quit pissing on Tom Bombadil's grave.

TALION

Screw you! I know what this is really about. You're just jealous because Nolan North isn't even half the voice actor Troy Baker is! Let's see HIM try and release an experimental alt-rock album and see how that does. Seriously, who wants to buy "Nathan Drake Sings?"

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Oh fuck off. Baker plays Booker DeWitt in every damn game. Revolver Ocelot, Joel from The Last of Us, he just growls his way through every scene.

TALION

Hell yeah he does! Troy's voice is whiskey-soaked sex on a stick whereas Nolan channels pure preening douche every minute of the day.

BLACK HAND OF SAURON

Goddamnit, you’re right. Fuck these vocal chords.

The BLACK HAND slices open HIS OWN THROAT, which causes SAURON to appear for some reason.

TALION

Celebrimbor, I choose you!

CELEBRIMBOR uses QUICKTIME EVENTS! They're SUPER EFFECTIVE, although that depends whether or not the GAME is being played on a LAST-GEN CONSOLE, in which case the FRAMERATE will chug the WHOLE SCENE into an INDECIPHERABLE MESS. TALION emerges VICTORIOUSLY.

CELEBRIMBOR

So we've killed Sauron. Again. I mean, this is like the fifth time he's died, isn't it?

TALION

Yeah, but this time I think it will stick.

CELEBRIMBOR

Well, what should we do in the meantime?

TALION

We should forge a new Ring of Power.

CELEBRIMBOR

Because that worked out so great for the last nine men who had Rings. Seriously dude, do you WANT to be a Nazgûl? Flying around on a dragon monster, screeching in the darkness, killing innocents, never dying, instilling fear in all the good people of --

(beat)

Okay, that sounds awesome, let's make that happen.

They FLY OFF into the INEVITABLE SEQUEL, which should TOTALLY INVOLVE PLAYING AS A RINGWRAITH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

THE END