Kane & Lynch: Dead Men - The Movie

You got a real purdy mouth.
You got a real purdy mouth.

FADE IN:

INT. BUSINESS MEETING - EIDOS INTERACTIVE

PUBLISHER EIDOS INTERACTIVE

Okay, what's your proposal?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

I fucking love Michael Mann. Heat is the motherfucking shit. I want to make a game

(air quotes)

inspired by Mann’s films which will basically consist of little more than ripping off a few of his memorable set pieces and infusing them with the Hitman series' amoral grittiness.

PUBLISHER EIDOS INTERACTIVE

And why should we pay you to do this?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

If games are trying to be like movies to glean a fraction of their maturity and status as an art form, why not focus on the depth of character and stylish direction of Michael Mann?

PUBLISHER EIDOS INTERACTIVE

Fine. Here’s some money. Aaand -- go!

FADE TO:

EXT. LOS ANGELES - DAY

We start in LOS ANGELES because hey, MICHAEL MANN, remember? The atmosphere is GRITTY not so much because of the game's THEMES or CONTENT, but because of an annoying GRAIN FILTER layered over the screen. KANE is a DEATH ROW INMATE writing a letter of apology to his DAUGHTER.

KANE

Dearest Jenny, I am very sorry for everything I've done. Despite the fact that every action I'm about to take will completely void my remorseful claims, I am still so very, utterly sorry. Hugs and kisses, dad.

During his TRANSPORT, KANE is BUSTED OUT by a GROUP OF MERCENARIES. He meets LYNCH, who looks like a GERMAN TEACHER GONE WRONG.

LYNCH

(bashing a cop's head in)

Pleased to make your acquaintance, Kane.

They move into an ALLEY where some DIPSHIT MERCENARY escorts them.

DIPSHIT MERCENARY

Kane, hold still. I’m going to give you an interesting visual attribute by breaking your nose. Huttah!

KANE

Ow! You'd think a freakishly huge facial scar, blind eye and unnatural bald spot would be enough.

(pinching his nose for comedic effect)

Even though you’re a faceless thug, I’m somehow going to remember you and mention this when I inevitably kill you later on.

A METRIC FUCKTON OF COPS swarms in. KANE shows what a BIG FUCKING ASSHOLE he is by SHOOTING THEM ALL.

KANE

Whew, thank God I'm such a big fucking asshole. Otherwise I might feel bad about killing all these cops.

DIPSHIT MERCENARY

Come on! The rally point is at that donut shop up ahead!

KANE

And now killing cops near a donut shop? Har har!

After an EXTENDED STREET BATTLE, everybody whose character model exceeds 5,000 polygons ESCAPES ALIVE.

INT. EMPTY MALL - DAY

KANE is brought before the remaining members of his former mercenary outfit, THE7. Because they are all CHARACTERLESS and as such completely INTERCHANGEABLE, each one has a differentiating TRAIT. ELDER BROTHER is EPIC BEARD MAN, YOUNGER BROTHER is BURNT FACE MAN, CARLOS is MEXICAN and MUTE is MUTE.

ELDER BROTHER

You betrayed us and stole the MacGuffin, Kane. We'll kill your wife and daughter unless you get it back to us. We're going to present no proof whatsoever that we have them, but we totally do.

MUTE

...

YOUNGER BROTHER

You said it, Mute. To justify this game's title, Lynch will be watching your every move. He'll be all over you like white on rice.

KANE

Great, a plot device that pairs up two people who couldn't have any less in common and forces them to reluctantly work together in such a way that they ultimately learn to respect one another through the hardships they endure.

YOUNGER BROTHER

Oh no, by the end you'll hate each other even more because this game is gritty as fuck and you get to indiscriminately shoot a whole bunch of people, thus preventing you from forming any kind of bond or even playing up this buddy shtick for zany comedy.

KANE

Carlos, help me.

CARLOS

I am generically sorry, Kane. My apparent sympathy for your predicament coupled with my current inability to do anything probably means I'll become an ally later on. But not right now.

They LEAVE.

LYNCH

Right, we're already two missions into the game, but I feel like having a little training session. So how about you teach me, and by extension yourself, the game mechanics?

KANE

Urgh, okay. This here's a gun. You point this part at whatever you want to die. Glue yourself to random walls for cover. You can order other guys around, but they'll probably run into a wall or straight through enemy fire. That's about it. Any questions?

LYNCH

Just one. Why the fuck are we swearing so much?

KANE

The developers seem to think that adult content means dropping in the f-word as much as possible.

LYNCH

Well, fuck the living fuck right the fuck out of that fucking shit!

KANE

There you go. Also, fuck.

LYNCH

So, what's our first move?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

(consulting the Heat screenplay)

You're going to fuck up a bank heist.

KANE

We're going to -- rob a bank.

INT. BANK - DAY

KANE and LYNCH infiltrate a BANK. KANE blacks out for a moment and suddenly everybody's wearing HOODS.

KANE

Whoa, where'd these come from?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

Games still haven't advanced far enough for us to properly change your attire beyond briefly cutting away while exchanging character models.

While KANE finds only HALF of the MACGUFFIN in the VAULT, LYNCH completely loses his shit and SHOOTS ALL THE HOSTAGES.

KANE

What the hell did you do that for?

LYNCH

They were making fun of my prescription glasses!

KANE

Oh Lynch, you so cray-zeh!

More COPS arrive. They must all be either NEW PARENTS or TWO DAYS FROM RETIREMENT, because they all DIE. A VAN then crashes through the FRONT DOORS and EXTRACTS KANE and LYNCH.

EXT. LOS ANGELES HIGHWAY - DAY

KANE and LYNCH make their getaway, thinning out more PRECINCTS along the way.

LYNCH

You know, for someone who wishes he were dead because of all the suffering he caused, you sure seem to be cool with staying alive and mercilessly killing all these cops.

KANE

It's alright because I'm a big fucking asshole. What's your excuse?

LYNCH

Did I not mention this? I'm a medicated paranoid schizophrenic prone to violent outbursts.

KANE

Oh right, I knew that. Hope you weren't planning on making that an interesting characterisation twist. Everybody was well aware ever since it was mentioned in the early previews.

LYNCH

That's okay, I've still got something else lined up.

KANE

The part where you may or may not have killed your wife?

LYNCH

Goddamnit.

The VAN swerves off the road and CRASHES beneath a HIGHWAY BRIDGE.

KANE

Oh fuck, I lost the MacGuffin bag! How do I pick it up again?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

Remember the hoods? Just black out for a second and it'll magically appear on you.

It DOES. Even though the VAN is now totally FUCKED, they decide to keep using it anyway only to CRASH IT AGAIN, this time into a SUBWAY STATION. They then escape aboard a SUBWAY CAR, because nobody thinks to stop these when used during a CRIME SPREE.

KANE

Despite the fact that we are now serial cop-killers and have probably triggered the largest manhunt in the history of ever for two guys who don't exactly blend in, we should have no problem travelling to Tokyo for the other half of the MacGuffin.

INT. TOKYO NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT

Combining its CROWD RENDERING TECHNIQUE with a recent viewing of COLLATERAL, DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE decides to have a NIGHTCLUB SCENE. All the people inside are wearing THE SAME GODDAMN THING. KANE and LYNCH go to the BACK OFFICE and confront the NIGHTCLUB MANAGER, YOKO.

KANE

Yoko, I need your help.

YOKO

Sure. What can I do ya for?

KANE

Let my friend here beat you up and kidnap you. And it would be swell if you could knee him in the groin on the way out so we have to go all the way through the club again.

YOKO

No problem!

LYNCH falcon punches YOKO and lifts her onto his back, which means he will now have to be PROTECTED, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. As soon as the first shots are fired, everybody PANICS and starts RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES. The CLUB is CLOSED OFF, because it's sensible to lock everybody inside a place where a FIREFIGHT is going on.

KANE

Oh dear, these randomly generated and therefore unimportant innocent clubgoers are running around like crazy! How can I tell who the bad guys are without resorting to mindlessly firing into the crowd?

NIGHTCLUB GUARD

Well, the developers decided to totally assfuck me by making me wave around a flashlight. Might as well paste a big "Shoot me!" sign on my forehead.

KANE mindlessly fires into the crowd anyway, because he is a BIG FUCKING ASSHOLE. After exiting the NIGHTCLUB, LYNCH SHOTGUNS YOKO.

YOKO

Erp!

(dies)

LYNCH

She was making fun of my receding hairline!

KANE

Well, this blows. Let's hope The7 will turn a blind eye.

(winks)

Hey-oooooo!

EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT

KANE is standing in his GRAVE while the members of THE7 talk about how he and his family are going to DIE.

ELDER BROTHER

Your family will be here soon. Now we’re going to leave, safe and worry-free in the assumption that this execution will go exactly as planned without complications.

They DO. Then MUTE brings in KANE'S WIFE AND PAIN-IN-THE-ASS DAUGHTER JENNY. KANE seems attached to them but WE ARE NOT.

KANE

Jenny!

JENNY

(pain in the ass)

You made me miss The Jonas Brothers, you fucking bum! I hate you!

KANE’S WIFE

What the fuck am I doing here? I don’t even get a name. Please kill me so I don’t have to develop this stock character any further.

MUTE complies and SHOOTS her in the HEAD. This makes KANE TOTALLY WIG OUT and he KILLS MUTE with a SHOVEL, which is supposed to be POETIC since he was about to be BURIED with it. Then, a GIGANTIC MINING TRUCK is passed off as a BOSS BATTLE. It drives around WITHOUT REALLY DOING ANYTHING. Oh wait, it's trying to SMOOSH JENNY!

KANE

Jenny, you have to get out of there!

JENNY

(pain in the ass)

I'm like obviously in shock, you inconsiderate jerk!

KANE is momentarily tempted to DO NOTHING, but eventually stops the truck by SHOOTING THE DRIVER. JENNY then STEALS A CAR and DRIVES OFF.

KANE

I need to keep my daughter safe from The7. The only way to do that is to kill them all.

LYNCH

I'm no longer obliged to come along but I will anyway. That doesn't mean I'll stop bitching and moaning about everything you do.

KANE

Fine. We're going to stage a prison break to bring in more guys so we can form a motley crew of

(looks directly at the camera)

Dead Men!

LYNCH

(bitching and moaning)

A prison break? That's a stupid idea! You're stupid.

INT. PRISON - DAY

KANE crashes the MINING TRUCK through the PRISON WALL, which is actually pretty AWESOME.

KANE

The guys we need aren't all in one block as I previously anticipated, but spread all over the place, forcing us to traverse the entire facility.

LYNCH

(bitching and moaning)

This sucks. My feet hurt. I've got sand in my clothes.

KANE

And in your vagina too, clearly.

They round up the THREE GUYS they need. One of them has FOUND GOD, but this is mercifully forgotten after a single line about DIVINE INTERVENTION. When KANE then releases ALL PRISONERS, they immediately proceed to RIOT and MASSACRE THE GUARDS, because that is obviously what always happens during PRISON BREAKS.

LYNCH

Now how do we get out?

KANE

Same way we came in. We crash a seemingly indestructible vehicle through the gates.

INT. RETOMOTO BUILDING - DAY

KANE and his motley crew are dressed as BADASS WINDOW WASHERS and make it to the roof of the RETOMOTO BUILDING in TOKYO.

KANE

I'll go down first and place a bomb on the window while getting shot at through the glass. You guys follow after and kill the living fuck out of everyone in there.

LYNCH

I thought we were going after The7.

KANE

We need Retomoto's MacGuffin to be able to do that.

KANE rappels down to the WINDOW of the MEETING ROOM and BLOWS IT THE FUCK UP, allowing the others to get inside. When everybody is THOROUGHLY DEAD, KANE takes the rest of the MACGUFFIN from RETOMOTO, who had it on him during the business meeting for convenience's sake.

KANE

Now we fight our way down to street level while desecrating 200 years of Japanese heritage.

SAMURAI COSTUMES ON DISPLAY are DESTROYED, which is A SHAME.

EXT. TOKYO STREETS - DAY

Again A CRAPLOAD OF COPS arrives. This time they're JAPANESE, but that STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY.

KANE

(killing his 100th cop)

Man, I'm starting to think the developers got pulled over a lot.

Another GETAWAY VAN picks them up. It's the SAME ONE that was used during the BANK HEIST because of SHEER LAZINESS.

KANE

Alright, we just had another tense firefight spill out into the streets. Now what?

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

Shit, we're only halfway through the story and we've run out of Michael Mann set pieces to use! Hang on -- yes! In Miami Vice, Colin Farrell took that supposedly Cuban broad to Havana!

KANE

And it's off to Havana!

EXT. HAVANA - DAY

The scene starts in the middle of the action without any INTRODUCTION, indicating that DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE has simply STOPPED CARING.

KANE

Come on, guys! Chin up! I swear the reward will totally be worth fighting our way through a goddamn civil war.

LYNCH

You're stringing these other guys along with a hollow promise of money while you only care about your daughter's safety. You really are a selfish prick.

KANE

You're only realising this now? At what point have I not been a big fucking asshole?

After STAGING A REVOLT, KANE and his crew shoot their way into the PRESIDENTIAL PALACE. They don't find any money, only CARLOS.

CARLOS

The7 betrayed me, Kane.

KANE

That does seem to be what they generally do. Where are they?

CARLOS

They are running a drug operation in Venezuela for some reason.

KANE

Let's hope there's a loading screen nearby that can take us to Venezuela.

There IS.

EXT. VENEZUELAN JUNGLE - NIGHT

KANE and LYNCH are hiking through the JUNGLE. CARLOS is tagging along FOR THE HELL OF IT.

KANE

Right, if any of these guards manage to set off a flare and warn the brothers, we're fucked. The gunfire coming out of the jungle won't alert them, only a flare will.

There is a GUN EMPLACEMENT up ahead, so KANE must AVOID DETECTION.

KANE

Wonderful, forced stealth.

(addressing his crew)

Right, I want you guys to sit down, shut up and wait for me to clear out this next part.

LYNCH

Why?

KANE

Because you're all a bunch of fuckups. What's the point of having gameplay based around teammates when those teammates are dumber than a bag of hammers and the only way to be effective is to micromanage them specifically into not getting in the way?

LYNCH

Cannon fodder?

KANE

Not when a teammate's death results in a game over scenario, you moron!

Their INCESSANT BICKERING alerts the GUARDS anyway. After a while, they reach THE BROTHERS' VILLA.

EXT. VILLA - NIGHT

CARLOS uncovers a MINE which he had hidden for JUST THIS EXACT OCCASION.

CARLOS

I'll plant this mine at the front gates as a diversion.

CARLOS ambiguously DISAPPEARS instead. KANE then overhears RADIO CHATTER in which JENNY is mentioned.

KANE

Oh no, they've got Jenny!

Everybody simultaneously GROANS. KANE moves into the VILLA and finds THE BROTHERS holding JENNY hostage. CARLOS has turned into a CORPSE and is lying in a corner next to the MINE.

ELDER BROTHER

You've sure caused us some trouble, Kane. Oh, if only we had killed you from the outset instead of letting you live to do our bidding. Now watch as I don't kill you again!

KANE SCOWLS at the MINE and it BLOWS UP. The BLAST kills ELDER BROTHER but allows YOUNGER BROTHER to escape with JENNY.

YOUNGER BROTHER

Nooo, my dearest brother whose name is not important! You'll pay for this, Kane! Instead of killing your daughter right away, I'll take her with me, thereby pissing you off even more and almost assuring my imminent death at your hands!

KANE and LYNCH get in a JEEP, because no game is complete without a VEHICLE SECTION. They drive to an AIRFIELD and stop YOUNGER BROTHER from taking off with JENNY.

KANE

Give me back my daughter, you human piece of excrement!

YOUNGER BROTHER

Who the fuck are you to say that? You kidnapped Retomoto's daughter and let a psychopath beat the shit out of her. And then he killed her! What gives you the moral high ground here?

KANE

I'm the protagonist, fuckface! And the only reason I will prevail is because I am just slightly less of a big fucking asshole than the people I go after.

KANE kills YOUNGER BROTHER by shooting him repeatedly in the FOOT.

YOUNGER BROTHER

Ow, my Achilles' heel!

(dies)

KANE

Jenny, everything's going to be alright now. Unless of course I choose to take you with me into battle and risk your life to rescue my crew to which I have no attachment whatsoever. Seriously, I can actually choose to do that.

JENNY

(pain in the ass)

I fucking hate you. I wish you were dead.

KANE

Choice made!

KANE takes JENNY along on a FIELD TRIP to a BURNING CHURCH, because that is a FUN THING TO DO. JENNY is SHOT and KANE FUCKING STABS HER with an ADRENALINE SYRINGE. REPEATEDLY.

LYNCH

Kane, this is seriously wrong. Everything you've done was for the safety of your daughter, and now that you've finally eliminated any threat to her life, you lead her straight into combat only so she might hate you a tiny bit less!

KANE

Think I should've just abandoned everyone else, including you, and gotten her out of here?

LYNCH

Like, never mind.

KANE manages to rescue the LAST REMAINING MEMBER OF HIS CREW, who thanks him by telling him to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

KANE

Just once, I'd like to hear a 'thank you'.

JENNY is SHOT AGAIN, only this time it's SCRIPTED and she DIES MAYBE.

KANE

Nooo! If only I could have avoided this somehow.

To make sure JENNY doesn't feel left out, LYNCH is SHOT AS WELL.

LYNCH

Aaaarrnnh! I can't believe the lengths they'll go to for a gritty story!

KANE

How ironic that I should be the only one to come out of this unscathed while everyone I involved ended up dead or dying, considering the fact that I started out with a death wish.

LYNCH

(vomiting blood)

Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. Thank you for getting us all presumably killed.

They get onto a BOAT and gently FLOAT AWAY. The way things are going, it'll probably SINK or EXPLODE.

DIRECTOR MICHAEL MANN

Look, I tell rich and complex stories of men trying to be morally upstanding in a world that demands increasingly immoral acts from them. These two guys are irredeemable fucktards. I should sue.

He DOESN'T, allowing DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE to PLAN A SEQUEL.

THE END

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