FADE IN:

INT. AIRPLANE - ATLANTIC OCEAN

We're inside an AIRPLANE. We know it's the SIXTIES, because the PROTAGONIST, JACK, is SMOKING. Also, it says so in the OPENING TITLE.

JACK

They told me: "Son, you're special. You were born to do great things." You know what? They were right.

(beat)

That's it. That's my only line. It's all grunting and screaming from here on in. Oh stewardess?

STEWARDESS

Yes, sir?

JACK

I have an innate feeling that we've reached a very specific set of coordinates, even though GPS has not yet been invented. This means I'm about to hijack the airplane and crash it into the Atlantic Ocean, killing everyone aboard except me. Would you mind cutting away right before this happens so I have no memory of it?

STEWARDESS

Of course, sir. Anything else?

JACK

Some complimentary potato chips would be nice. This might be the last time I get to enjoy them fresh instead of stale and filth-encrusted.

As the screen FADES TO BLACK, we hear SCREAMS followed by a CRASH. JACK surfaces amidst the BURNING WRECKAGE. He is surrounded by FIRE which neatly forms a PATH.

JACK

I hope it's not telling for the remainder of this game that, even in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I still only have one way to go. Hey, why does it feel like I'm not swimming as much as I'm gliding across the surface of the water?

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Yeah, we didn't really implement a genuine swimming mechanic.

JACK

But the game takes place in an underwater city! It better not mean that any event involving water will be statically scripted.

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Only one way to find out!

JACK glides on over to a LIGHTHOUSE. Instead of waiting there to be rescued like a NORMAL PERSON, he gets inside a BATHYSPHERE. As it DESCENDS, an expository SLIDESHOW starts.

ANDREW RYAN

I am Andrew Ryan. I somehow managed to build an entire self-sustaining city on the bottom of the ocean without the world noticing. Then I invited the best and brightest down there to be corrupted by the utter lack of moral and ethical restraints. Welcome to Rapture!

RAPTURE comes into view and slaps JACK in the face with ART DECO. The BATHYSPHERE then DOCKS.

INT. WELCOME HALL - RAPTURE

JACK sees JOHNNY, another HUMAN. He is PROMPTLY GUTTED, raising a bunch of questions regarding WHO THE HELL HE IS.

JOHNNY

Gurp! I think I'll just slide into the water here, so nobody can see my generic character model.

(dies)

ATLAS

Ahoy laddy! Me name's Atlas, 'cause the developers weren't at all sure the Randian influences on the story were explicit enough. Now, would ye koindly pick up that there radio?

JACK

Since I seemingly cannot progress until I do as I'm told, I will do just that.

ATLAS

Swell. I need to save me woif and choild. Could ye help me with that? In return, I'll generically owe ye.

JACK

Sure, I've got nothing better to do.

ATLAS

Would ye koindly go find a crowbar or somethin'?

JACK

A crowbar? I see what you did there, developers.

JACK picks up a CROWBAR, which is actually a WRENCH.

JACK

Hmm, once again I can't go further until I perform the specific act associated with a "Would you kindly" request. Something smells fishy. Eh? Eh? Fishy, because we're underwater.

ATLAS

Ye've been mentally conditioned to obey any command accompanied by the phrase "Would ye koindly." But ye're not supposed to figure that out yet, so would ye koindly forget I just said that?

JACK

Forget what?

JACK comes across a RUSTY HYPODERMIC NEEDLE with RED GOO in it.

JACK

Right, I'm very much not going to inject myself with this mysterious stuff unless I were somehow compelled to.

ATLAS

(shrugs)

Well, don't be lookin' at me!

JACK

Are you serious? Here you've got this wonderfully clever narrative justification for forced linearity, and you don't use it to justify one of the most ludicrous acts in the game, namely fucking stabbing myself with this needle? Oh never mind, now a cutscene is doing it for me.

JACK fucking STABS HIMSELF with the NEEDLE and gains the powers of FORCE LIGHTNING and TOPPLING OVER BALCONIES.

ATLAS

Roight, there are a few things ye need to know about the world o' Rapture. See, we have this thing called ADAM. It's basically a substance that can do anythin' that both the story and gameplay require of it. Want to have a vagina on yer hand that births disgustin' throwable globules? Ye can. Want to shoot wasps from yer arm? Ye can do that too.

JACK feels a TUG at his PANT LEG.

LITTLE SISTER

Excuse me, mister? Mind getting out of the way? Looking to drink some ADAM from this corpse here.

JACK

Bwuaaah! What the fuck is this?

ATLAS

That's a Little Sister. Isn't she just cute as buttons?

JACK

Sure, if you overlook the fact that she's got glowing eyes and stabs corpses. Jesus fucking Christ.

ATLAS

She's got ADAM in her which ye can obtain by harvestin' a sea slug from 'er stomach. No foolin'.

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM appears on an UNREACHABLE BALCONY so we can't make out her GENERIC CHARACTER MODEL, because the only way the CHARACTERS can differentiate themselves VISUALLY is through their RADIO HEADSHOTS.

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

Wait! You can also splice this gene tonic into your DNA on the spot which will allow you to vomit sunshine all over her and rescue her for slightly less ADAM!

JACK

Eeny meeny miny moe --

JACK decides to RESCUE the LITTLE SISTER. She does a PLIÉ while OPTIMISTIC VIOLIN MUSIC SWELLS, indicating that this is THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

Good going. I'm sending you a teddy bear which contains roughly the amount of ADAM you would have gotten if you had harvested her, thereby completely robbing your choice of its self-denying nature and cheapening the moral dilemma to the point of mockery.

INT. MEDICAL PAVILION - RAPTURE

Two minutes into the level, JACK sees the PASSAGE to the next one, but it is swiftly BLOCKED.

JACK

Is every level going to feature the exit early on only to have it closed off by some arbitrary obstacle which then needs to be lifted through a series of lengthy fetch quests and detours?

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Good God, yes.

JACK runs into a SPLICER, who looks like THAT GUY WHO DROVE INTO A VAT OF ACID IN ROBOCOP.

SPLICER

I just want to be loooooved!

ATLAS

These Sploicers are former humans that have gone batshit crazy from usin' too much ADAM. They've killed off everyone else, except of course the characters important to the plot, who all managed to lock themselves inside conveniently inaccessible rooms.

JACK

If the Splicers are all crazy, how are they being coordinated?

ATLAS

Pheromones. Anythin' we can't explain with ADAM, we explain with pheromones.

A TURRET takes a shot at JACK. He HACKS it by playing a game of PIPE DREAM.

ATLAS

Oh, and steam too. That's how all machines work. Safes and number locks too, for some reason.

JACK

On boiling water? How the hell do turrets discern between friendlies and enemies?

ATLAS

Ye're seriously wonderin' about this while ye've got fire an' electricity comin' out yer goddamn fingertips? I think we gave up on makin' sense when we started revivin' ye with all yer weapons somehow on ye.

JACK

How about the simple fact that I'm being revived. If only there was a plasmid that suspends my disbelief.

ATLAS

Sadly, no.

INT. NEPTUNE'S BOUNTY - RAPTURE

JACK comes across a ROOM where a HUSBAND AND WIFE have COMMITTED SUICIDE after realising their DAUGHTER was turned into a LITTLE SISTER.

JACK

Oh what wretchedness! The lamentable plight that befell these innocent people is veritably a -- oh hey, the husband's gruesomely decomposed corpse still has a creme-filled cake on it! Yummers!

JACK encounters more LITTLE SISTERS, but they're all PROTECTED by BIG DADDIES.

JACK

So these Little Sisters are invulnerable because of the sea slugs embedded in their stomachs? Doesn't that render the Big Daddy's purpose meaningless?

BIG DADDY

Gnnuuuurrrrrr! Someone might still kidnap her! Now back the fuck up! You touch her, you get a face full of drill!

JACK is REPEATEDLY KILLED by the BIG DADDY, but keeps being REVIVED.

BIG DADDY

Why won't you diiieeeee? Oh fuck this.

(dies)

JACK RESCUES the LITTLE SISTER, though we don't know exactly how. DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE doesn't have a clue either, so he makes the screen FADE TO WHITE as this happens.

JACK

Now that I've rescued the Little Sister by destroying the sea slug, why is she still invulnerable? And another thing, why do they all thank me when I rescue them? Shouldn't they still be weeping heartrendingly over the Big Daddy corpse because of their conditioning?

ATLAS

Would ye koindly stop askin' questions?

JACK

I WILL STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

INT. SMUGGLER'S HIDEOUT - RAPTURE

JACK listens to a few AUDIO LOGS, then takes a couple of PICTURES and finally plays around with FORCE GRIP.

ATLAS

Me family's in that sub! Stop foolin' about an' get to them!

JACK

Dude, chill the fuck out. Timelimits are meaningless here as long as I don't trigger anything by moving forward.

JACK moves forward, triggering the SUBMARINE to BLOW THE FUCK UP.

JACK

Floops!

ATLAS

Noooo! Me woife and son! Or was it a daughter? Whatever. I am now filled with a desire to kill Andrew Ryan.

JACK

Kill Andrew Ryan. Got it.

INT. FORT FROLIC - RAPTURE

JACK walks TEN FEET and sees the BATHYSPHERE to the next level.

JACK

Golly gee, I wonder what will happen.

The BATHYSPHERE gives JACK the finger and SUBMERGES.

SANDER COHEN

Greetings! I'm Sander Cohen and I'll be your obstacle for this level. I'd like you to go take some pictures of a couple of dead guys. Of course, they'll only be dead after you kill them.

JACK

Why?

SANDER COHEN

I'm insane! That allows me to set up ridiculously senseless mission objectives!

JACK takes the necessary PHOTOS, somehow develops them ON THE SPOT and completes SANDER COHEN'S CLUSTERFUCK OF AN ARTWORK. He then appears IN PERSON.

JACK

Wait, you're a Splicer? You seem relatively more in control of your actions than the usual ones. But still quite insane though, what with the murdered and plaster-coated Splicers and all.

SANDER COHEN

Some of us maintained the necessary amount of acumen according to what needs to be done for the plot. You may go now.

JACK eventually reaches ANDREW RYAN'S LOCATION.

INT. CENTRAL COMMAND - RAPTURE

Upon seeing a PLOT-TWISTING CORKBOARD, JACK realises that ANDREW RYAN is his FATHER.

JACK

Fucking hell, that means my full name is Jack Ryan.

TOM CLANCY FANS cream themselves while JACK walks up to ANDREW RYAN, who is playing a casual game of PUTT PUTT.

ANDREW RYAN

So you've come to kill me. In the end, what separates a developer from a player? A developer chooses, a player obeys.

JACK

Interestingly enough, since I had no choice but to obey Atlas and help him find his fake family, a selfless act which goes against the principle of Randian rational self-interest that you propagate, I'm diametrically opposed to your ideals beyond my will. And all of your audio logs, contrasted with Rapture's current condition, tell me you too have betrayed those ideals and even turned into the very thing you sought to escape from through building this place. Truly, ours is an ironic fate.

ANDREW RYAN

Eh, all the writers have done is warped themes of self-determination and destiny to rationalise the lack of player control from a narrative point of view, effectively limiting all purported elements of choice to a few minor gameplay mechanics. To prove this some more, I'll now order you around in a cutscene. Would you kindly sit, roll over, beg and fetch? Now beat me to death, would you kindly?

JACK

But pops, what the hell for?

ANDREW RYAN

I want to kill myself on my own terms, so why not make it a poetic and horribly painful suicide-by-bastard-son?

JACK

Alright. Play dead!

JACK KILLS THE FUCKING SHIT out of ANDREW RYAN with a GOLF CLUB.

ATLAS

Well done, boyo! Hang on a moment while me voice actor is replaced.

FRANK FONTAINE

By me! I'm so deliciously evil! Bwahahahaha! I now control Rapture, which I will demonstrate by replacing Andrew Ryan's logo with my own. Seriously, I have a logo prepared for this occasion.

JACK

Time out for a sec. You wanted to kill Andrew Ryan. So you tricked him into knocking up his mistress, acquired the embryo and growth-accelerated it into me. Then you conditioned me to do your bidding and sent me out of Rapture only to crash back into it, fortuitously leaving me as the sole survivor of said crash, all so I could ultimately track down and kill Ryan? Man, this really tops the list of pointlessly elaborate murder plots.

FRANK FONTAINE

Don't forget I also had to fake my own death and pretend to be Atlas for God knows how long. I'm surprised the whole thing even worked, considering the fact that it all hinged on a series of baffling coincidences, not to mention that Ryan apparently pieced it together and still allowed it to play out. Oh, you did need to be related to him in order for the plan to work, since Rapture's security systems are genetically coded to him. Hah!

JACK

Then why do all the security bots open fire on me? Come to think of it, why do cameras only seem to get pissed off when they see me and not any of the Splicers?

FRANK FONTAINE

There you go again with all the questions. But yeah, security bots do inexplicably open fire on you, so I'll just send in a few of those to kill you now.

JACK

But it's just been made painfully clear that you can control my every move by merely speaking a few words. And since I'm apparently not smart enough to drop this goddamn radio, why not use that to kill me?

FRANK FONTAINE

Maybe later. Right now, I'm going to go with security bots.

A bunch of SECURITY BOTS fly in and start shooting at JACK.

LITTLE SISTER

Hey mister!

JACK

Not now, kid. Kinda busy getting shot at.

LITTLE SISTER

But you can escape by knocking yourself out inside that vent shaft!

This HAPPENS.

LITTLE SISTER

Wait, how are we going to get him over to Tenenbaum's place? Clearly we didn't think this one through.

INT. TENENBAUM'S SANCTUARY - RAPTURE

JACK wakes up in BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM'S SAFEHOUSE anyway. A few LITTLE SISTERS are playing HOPSCOTCH, which makes them more ENDEARING.

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

I have broken your conditioning and given you free will. No longer will you have to take orders!

JACK

Yippee!

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

Hey, how about you go kill Fontaine?

JACK

Your wish is my command!

INT. MERCURY SUITES - RAPTURE

JACK is contacted by FRANK FONTAINE, who in the meantime GREW A BRAIN.

FRANK FONTAINE

Yeah, I kind of dropped the ball with those security bots. So, would you kindly go get stepped on by a Big Daddy?

JACK moves forward without acknowledging, something he's been doing THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME anyway.

FRANK FONTAINE

Hey you little dipshit, I told you to go get stepped on by a Big Daddy!

JACK

There is no Big Daddy in this particular area. Why are you automatically assuming that the conditioning is no longer in effect when I might just as well be on my way to find one? You could have easily asked me if I would kindly bash my head repeatedly against a wall, you know. And none of it would matter in the end, because I'd just be revived again.

FRANK FONTAINE

The stereotype of over-the-top villainy requires that I'm also an impatient prick. Whelp, I guess I'll just use plan Yellow and tell your heart to stop beating, forcing you into a lengthy quest to find the antidote which I failed to properly hide for some reason.

JACK

Good God, please stop slurring your lines in that thick Bronx drawl.

FRANK FONTAINE

It's supposed to be mockingly menacing.

JACK

Oh, it's mocking alright.

While JACK finds the ANTIDOTE, his PLASMIDS are RANDOMLY EQUIPPED every thirty seconds, including some he NEVER SPLICED IN THE FIRST PLACE. On the way, he disturbs TWO SPLICERS DANCING in SANDER COHEN'S ROOM, which PISSES HIM OFF.

SANDER COHEN

Have at you!

JACK

How the fuck did you make it over here? The bathyspheres are only accessible to Andrew Ryan and his relatives. You're not my uncle, are you?

SANDER COHEN

Stop pointing out glaring plot holes, you philistine! This is art!

JACK KILLS SANDER COHEN for trying to open up a THOUGHTFUL DISCUSSION on GAMES AS AN ART FORM.

INT. POINT PROMETHEUS - RAPTURE

JACK sees FRANK FONTAINE, who is wearing DUNGAREES. SERIOUSLY.

FRANK FONTAINE

I think I'll create this level's obstacle by shooting the lock on this door.

He DOES. JACK attempts to use FORCE LIGHTNING on the BROKEN LOCK, something which suddenly DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

You will need to transform yourself into a Big Daddy in order to have a Little Sister open the door for you. This is an irreversible process, except it's not.

JACK

Is that really necessary? I've been saving these girls all over the place. Can't they find it in their hearts to just open the door without me having to subject myself to a supposedly irreversible transformation process in order to trick them into it? Or how about you send one over from that kindergarten you're running?

BRIDGETTE TENENBAUM

Don't be such a pussy. The only permanent thing about the transformation is that it'll make you sound like Barry White having sex. Everything else we'll just gloss over.

JACK is turned into a BIG DADDY and feels in turn what it's like to constantly have to protect a LITTLE SISTER from waves of ENEMIES. This is very POIGNANT and therefore UNDERPLAYED.

INT. PROVING GROUNDS - RAPTURE

JACK sees EVERY VENDING MACHINE grouped together, indicating that an EPIC BATTLE will likely take place IN THE NEXT ROOM.

FRANK FONTAINE

I previously stated that I didn't touch ADAM myself, but I have now irrationally decided to consume bucketloads of it just so I can turn into another run-of-the-mill monster boss with a shrivelled dick. FRANK FONTAINE SMASH!

FRANK FONTAINE jumps around, occasionally going back to his ADAM PLATFORM whenever he BREAKS A NAIL. JACK then totally has his BALLS FED TO HIM when he is KNOCKED TO THE GROUND and it takes a bunch of LITTLE GIRLS with NEEDLES to STAB FRANK FONTAINE TO DEATH.

JACK

Surely I softened him up for you.

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Well done. Now let's take a look here.

(consults list)

Hmm, it seems you rescued all Little Sisters, save for three.

JACK

Yeah well, they called me assface.

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Tough luck. You get the bad ending where you apparently lead all the Splicers to the surface in a bid to take over or destroy the world.

JACK

Whoa, that majorly conflicts with the character I've been trying to mold here. This simple dualistic approach to morality really grates when it offers no middle ground between either tearjerkingly good or cocksmashingly evil.

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

Don't look at me. The marketing buzzwords these days are player choice and multiple endings, so ironically I had no choice but to shoehorn those in here.

JACK

Right. So, we've had horribly mutated humans, cameras, turrets, hacking, a wrench, magic powers ascribed to a specific resource, a story told through radio messages, audio logs and ghostly emanations --

(beat)

What is this game if not a direct copy of System Shock 2 with the cyberpunk aesthetic swapped out for a steampunk one?

DEVELOPER KEN LEVINE

True, but we preempted all those claims by specifically setting out with a design mandate of "System Shock 2 kicked ass, let's remake it." We're calling this its "spiritual successor", allowing us to completely rip it off while dumbing down its gameplay mechanics for the mainstream console crowd.

JACK

Sadly, the satirical nature of this short script will make people think that that's some kind of second-guessed observation, but it's actually accurate.

A SEQUEL is planned, capitalising on everybody's FRUSTRATION at SYSTEM SHOCK 2's inability to run on MODERN COMPUTERS.

THE END