Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare - The Movie

Kevin Spacey wows the crowd with his impersonation of Kevin Spacey.
Kevin Spacey wows the crowd with his impersonation of Kevin Spacey.

FADE IN:

INT. DROPSHIP - SOUTH KOREA

IT IS THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2054. JACK MITCHELL and WILL IRONS are TWO MARINES GEARING UP FOR COMBAT THAT'S RIGHT OORAH MOTHERFUCKERS.

JACK MITCHELL

We come into this world with our eyes closed. The most of us choose to live our whole lives that way. We blindly follow anyone that will lead us, giving ourselves over to --

WILL IRONS

Hey Jack, you're mumbling purple prose to yourself again.

JACK MITCHELL

Oh sorry, I was just reminiscing about us being best friends and having joined the military six months ago.

WILL IRONS

While we're on that topic, why'd you join up?

JACK MITCHELL

Seriously, best friend? In all our time together, this has never come up? Not even when we enlisted AT THE SAME TIME?

WILL IRONS

Apparently not! I joined to get away from my father.

JACK MITCHELL

Oh really? Is he opposed to the armed forces? Did you need an escape from a suffocating environment? Was there any sort of --

WILL IRONS

I joined to get away from my father! That's all I've got!

They meet up with their PLATOON for a briefing from SERGEANT CORMACK.

SERGEANT CORMACK

Everybody listen up! North Korea has invaded Seoul!

JACK MITCHELL

So OPLAN 5027 is in effect? Did political talks fall apart? Is there a resolution from the United Nations? Have there been any --

SERGEANT CORMACK

NORTH KOREA HAS INVADED SEOUL! Stop trying to find a deep plot in all this!

JACK MITCHELL

Threw a dart at a list of vague future conflicts, did you?

SERGEANT CORMACK

Yes. And this is indeed the future, so you've all been outfitted with exosuits. Among other things, they'll allow you to jump twenty feet in the air.

JACK MITCHELL

A double jump? Ouch, that must've played merry hell with the level designers if they could no longer use guard rails or waist-high crates as invisible walls.

SERGEANT CORMACK

Also your gun 3D prints bullets because why not.

MITCHELL and WILL join CORMACK in a DROP POD.

JACK MITCHELL

Oh fuck, drop pods? Those things never touch down without incident.

SERGEANT CORMACK

Has any vehicle ever done that in a Call of Duty game? Seriously, I don't think anyone still knows how to land anything.

EXT. SEOUL - SOUTH KOREA

The DROP POD deposits MITCHELL, WILL and CORMACK into SEOUL after AN INCIDENT DURING THE DESCENT, OBVIOUSLY.

SERGEANT CORMACK

I'll give you a proper objective in a bit, but for now, just shoot at KPA soldiers until they die from it.

JACK MITCHELL

We come into this world with our eyes closed. The most of us choose to live our whole lives that way. We blindly follow anyone that will lead us, giving ourselves over to --

SERGEANT CORMACK

Why the FUCK are you repeating that crap? Are you making an awkward reference to all the times Call of Duty games used a "Follow" marker?

JACK MITCHELL

My bad. I went to change some video settings so I had to run through the loading cinematic again. Never thought I'd say this, but now I actually miss the dry military briefings of the previous games.

On their way into THE CITY, they encounter a group of MERCENARIES working for ATLAS, a PRIVATE MILITARY CORPORATION. They are being led by GIDEON.

JACK MITCHELL

Ohoo, look what the cat dragged in! Some PMC mercenary pussies! In it for the money instead of God and country!

GIDEON

Hey, we're supposed to buck that trend and be on friendly terms here.

JACK MITCHELL

Whoops, I'm sorry! Sure is rough out there, eh? All the best to you guys!

SERGEANT CORMACK

Time for a proper objective! A demolition team was on its way to take out a heavily armoured KPA gunship in the city, but they've gone radio silent. We have to find out what happened to them.

JACK MITCHELL

I think I can guess.

They reach the KPA GUNSHIP and find the DEMOLITION TEAM DEAD NEARBY.

WILL IRONS

Sir, we can still finish their mission! I volunteer to push through heavy enemy fire and retrieve their demolition packs!

SERGEANT CORMACK

You're a brave man, Irons. Mitchell, go with him.

JACK MITCHELL

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT?

WILL IRONS

Also, I'll expect you to actually pick up the demolition packs.

MITCHELL retrieves the DEMO PACKS and hands one to WILL, who plants it INSIDE THE GUNSHIP. The ACCESS PANEL then SLAMS SHUT ON HIS ARM.

WILL IRONS

Oh no, I'm stuck and the gunship's lifting off! Mitchell, you have to go!

JACK MITCHELL

You can't do this!

WILL IRONS

You don't have a choice, Mitchell! It's a Call of Duty game!

JACK MITCHELL

No, I mean you can't expect this valiant sacrifice to have any powerful meaning! We're supposed to be best friends and I feel like I just met you! Quick, give me something!

WILL IRONS

I did say "See you on the other side" while we were in that drop pod! Perhaps I can turn that into a poignant echo?

(so poignant)

I'll see you on the other side.

JACK MITCHELL

Eh, good enough.

WILL shoves MITCHELL off the GUNSHIP right before it BLOWS UP.

JACK MITCHELL

All the subtlety of a sledgehammer over here.

DEVELOPER SLEDGEHAMMER GAMES

What the fuck did you expect? Incidentally, remember how we also made Dead Space, a game all about dismemberment? Well, we just couldn't help ourselves.

A PIECE OF WRECKAGE from the GUNSHIP PINS MITCHELL and SEVERS HIS ARM.

JACK MITCHELL

Ow! I'm used to being unarmed for cutscenes, but this is pushing it!

As CORMACK evacuates MITCHELL, he gets an ACHIEVEMENT called SEOUL MATES and VOMITS IN HIS MOUTH A LITTLE.

EXT. ARLINGTON CEMETERY - VIRGINIA

MITCHELL is attending WILL'S FUNERAL.

JACK MITCHELL

Why is one man spared, while another taken? To this day I couldn't give you an answer. But death comes for us all, eventually.

(beat)

If you were still here, you'd have cut my purple prose short by now, best friend.

CORMACK is delivering A EULOGY.

SERGEANT CORMACK

A life is only important in proportion to its impact on the lives of others, which is a really depressing thing to say if you think about it. Also, doesn't it feel kind of wrong to solemnly mourn a single death while Mitchell here just indiscriminately killed countless of soldiers in this vague future conflict? Just a thought.

(solemnly touches coffin)

JACK MITCHELL

How will I ever deal with the grief of having lost my best friend? He saved my life and I couldn't save his. I left a piece of myself back in Seoul, and I don't just mean my arm. I'll probably need years of therapy and the support of those close to me.

He gets a QUICKTIME PROMPT to PAY HIS RESPECTS by ALSO SOLEMNLY TOUCHING THE COFFIN.

JACK MITCHELL

Or we can just compact all of that into the same interaction cue used to push buttons or plant bombs, that works too.

As MITCHELL and CORMACK leave the FUNERAL, they are approached by WILL'S FATHER, JONATHAN IRONS, who is the CEO OF ATLAS.

JONATHAN IRONS

Private Mitchell, may I have a word? If you're uncomfortable speaking outside of the loading screen cutscenes, I'm sure Cormack will cover your half of the conversation.

JACK MITCHELL

Sweet Jesus, you're being played by Kevin Fucking Spacey! I guess all the jokes about his involvement were already bled dry when that was first announced, right?

JONATHAN IRONS

I believe "House of CoD" was the most prominent one.

JACK MITCHELL

Tremendous. I'm also seeing it as a good sign that I'm meeting you for the first time, even though you're my best friend's father. Guess we never had playdates when we were kids.

JONATHAN IRONS

Now, I absolutely detest the armed forces, which I will demonstrate by repeatedly being snooty to Cormack here. He can't offer you what I can, son. We have advanced prosthetics at Atlas. I can replace your lost arm, just as I can replace my dead son with you. Heck, I already called you son just then!

JACK MITCHELL

You're quite the astute businessman, Mr. Irons! How did you know my primary concern at my best friend's funeral would be the loss of my arm?

JONATHAN IRONS

I figured as much when you blatantly stared down at your stump when touching Will's coffin. Say, why are you so on edge? I'm not giving off an evil vibe, am I? This is Kevin Spacey's fatherly charm at work here!

JACK MITCHELL

No, it's just that this is a peaceful funeral scene and I was still given an exosuit loadout at the start. This might all turn into combat on a dime.

JONATHAN IRONS

Ah yes, that's because --

CUT TO:

EXT. CAMP DAVID - MARYLAND

JONATHAN IRONS

-- YOU HAVE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT! GO GO GO!

MITCHELL is suddenly at CAMP DAVID alongside ATLAS OPERATIVE JOKER.

JACK MITCHELL

Whoa wait who what where? Jeez, this fast-forward undermines the pathos of the funeral scene even more than that ill-considered quicktime event!

JOKER

Heads up, Mitchell. The President's being held hostage at the back of the residence.

JACK MITCHELL

Joker? Please don't try to live up to your horribly overused code name.

JOKER

Boy, your sudden prosthetic arm looks expensive! I bet it cost an arm and a leg!

JACK MITCHELL

Goddamnit.

JOKER

So, do you miss the armed forces at all? Har har har!

JACK MITCHELL

Please stop.

MITCHELL and JOKER enter the RESIDENCE and reach the PRESIDENT. On the way out, MITCHELL'S PROSTHETIC ARM starts GLITCHING which results in the PRESIDENT BEING KILLED by GIDEON.

GIDEON

Surprise! It was just a simulation because of course it was!

They are actually in...

INT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

IRONS drives up in a JEEP.

JONATHAN IRONS

So how'd my boy do?

JACK MITCHELL

"My boy?" Just fucking adopt me where I stand, why don't you.

GIDEON

His arm failed, but that's no excuse. A soldier's best weapon is between his ears! That might seem like I've got some aversion to fancy technological gadgets, but it'll never come up again.

JACK MITCHELL

Yes I'm sorry, I should've willed my arm into working better.

JONATHAN IRONS

That arm's worth more to me than this entire facility, Gideon. Please don't make any assumptions about this facility given the state of that arm. Come on, I'll give you the tour!

MITCHELL and GIDEON get in the JEEP with IRONS. They drive past A LOT OF EXPENSIVE MILITARY ORDNANCE.

JONATHAN IRONS

What you're seeing is, wait for it, advanced warfare! Do you like how I subtly worked the game's title into my patter there?

JACK MITCHELL

Subtle as a sledgehammer, sir.

JONATHAN IRONS

Look at this! Is it a tank on treads or legs? It's both! Drones too, I got those coming out of my ass! As a PMC, we don't hide our true strength, which I am illustrating by putting all our technological might on display. In fact, I asked some of the guys to put on their exosuits and jump around while we're driving past because I fucking well can.

JACK MITCHELL

Why am I still getting this introductory corporate spiel when I've presumably been in training for months?

They stop at a TEST LAB where MITCHELL gets HIS ARM CALIBRATED. GARRUS VAKARIAN gives a NOD OF APPROVAL.

GIDEON

Great, now let's put you through a mandatory training section and then we're going to run the Camp David simulation again.

JACK MITCHELL

Oh happy day.

EXT. LAGOS - NIGERIA

TWO MONTHS LATER, MITCHELL gets his FIRST ASSIGNMENT.

GIDEON

We need to pretend for at least a while that Atlas isn't abhorrently evil, so luckily there's a massive anti-Western terrorist organisation known as the KVA at large!

JACK MITCHELL

What does KVA stand for?

GIDEON

Nobody bothered to think of that. Anyways, the KVA are led by a former Chechen separatist known as Hades, although we never specify whether he always called himself that or whether he took up the code name we assigned him. He hates technology, but that isn't stopping him from using it a lot! Like when he used a webcast to denounce "the cancer of technology," can you believe it?

JACK MITCHELL

Even for a red herring, I would've appreciated a little more effort in the writing than this.

GIDEON

We're in Lagos because the KVA have attacked a technology summit here and taken the Prime Minister hostage. We're going in, but first use this adorable little robot fly to recon the area.

MITCHELL takes control of the ROBOT FLY.

JACK MITCHELL

Awesome, I am kicking ass with this thing! Look at me smoothly whizzing around! Think I can fit it through this vent cover? Fuck yeah I can!

GIDEON

The game's flying it for you, Mitchell. All you're doing is looking slightly to the left or right.

JACK MITCHELL

(releases controls)

Figures.

After the ROBOT FLY identifies the KVA threatening the PRIME MINISTER, MITCHELL, GIDEON and, ugh, JOKER head towards the TARGET BUILDING. IRONS chimes in through a VIDEO LINK.

JONATHAN IRONS

It's time to show the world what Atlas can do! Ignore any reservations from the local officials and just go in guns blazing already! Why should we listen to the people who pay us? Governments suck!

JACK MITCHELL

Do these video links really have to take up the entire top corner of my screen?

DEVELOPER SLEDGEHAMMER GAMES

We got Kevin Fucking Spacey for this, okay? We'd put him all over your screen if we could.

They make it to the ROOF OF THE TARGET BUILDING by using MAG GLOVES to SCALE THE WALL, which basically amounts to a FANCY LADDER.

GIDEON

Mitchell, set a mute charge. It'll cancel out any noise when I cave in the part of the roof we're currently standing on.

JACK MITCHELL

Won't the massive tremors from doing that still alert the people inside?

GIDEON

Nah.

After what passes for a SNEAKY ENTRANCE, MITCHELL, GIDEON and JOKER liberate the PRIME MINISTER.

PRIME MINISTER

I wasn't the target! The KVA were after the technologists from the summit! They made off with them in a box truck!

GIDEON

The box truck's been spotted on a nearby freeway! Let's go!

PRIME MINISTER

By the way, I actually have a name. It's Samuel Abidoyo. I was born to a fisherman and --

JACK MITCHELL

I appreciate the effort, but trust me, nobody cares.

MITCHELL and GIDEON run up to the FREEWAY after FIGHTING KVA TROOPS in the STREETS.

GIDEON

Huh, the fact that we just shot up half of Lagos apparently hasn't stopped regular rush hour traffic! Mitchell, cross the street!

JACK MITCHELL

(dodging traffic)

May I just say, Call of Duty seeking inspiration from fucking Frogger feels like the weirdest low point.

After a whole bunch of AVOIDING BUSES and then JUMPING ON BUSES and then DANGLING FROM BUSES, MITCHELL and GIDEON catch up to the BOX TRUCK, which they promptly CRASH INTO THE RIVER. They DIVE AFTER IT and manage to SAVE ONE TECHNOLOGIST.

GIDEON

Good reckless job, everyone! Drinks are on me!

JACK MITCHELL

Wait, didn't the Prime Minister say that a whole group of technologists was kidnapped from the summit? Where are the others?

GIDEON

Drinks! Are on! Me!

JOKER

(sucks)

INT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

MITCHELL, GIDEON and JOKER are joined by JONATHAN IRONS.

JONATHAN IRONS

Time for some more fatherly charm! I'm proud of you, gentlemen. Your reckless performance in Lagos has opened up a lot of opportunities for Atlas.

(piano music swells)

What? Oh yes, my son. He died. So sad.

(piano music fades out)

As I was saying, Atlas doesn't just provide the means to lay waste to entire cities, we also offer logistics to restore them afterwards. Lagos was a perfect twofer in that regard, since both the KVA and Atlas destroyed pretty much everything in their paths!

JACK MITCHELL

Speaking of twofers, thank you for giving me both an arm and something to believe in, sir. Truly, I can think of no greater virtue than having two arms and selling yourself off to the highest bidder.

JONATHAN IRONS

Gentlemen, a toast. Whatever the KVA throws at us, we'll undoubtedly be able to hit back!

The KVA then destroys NUCLEAR REACTORS on FIVE CONTINENTS, which PLUNGES THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO CHAOS.

JONATHAN IRONS

Except that.

EXT. SHELTER CAMP - DETROIT

FOUR YEARS LATER, MITCHELL and GIDEON are walking through an ATLAS SHELTER CAMP. JOKER is also there, BLEH.

GIDEON

Welcome to Detroit, Mitchell! Thanks to cozy shelter camps like this one, Atlas has been instrumental in rebuilding the world after the KVA attacks and offering a second chance to anyone willing to submit to its regulations. All very aboveboard, naturally.

JACK MITCHELL

Say, isn't it about time to introduce a new protagonist? I thought Call of Duty games used multiple viewpoints to show the larger network of an escalating crisis.

GIDEON

Nope, they wanted to streamline the story so it's just you for the whole ride. Good thing you're such a well-rounded and engaging protagonist!

They exit the CAMP and head into the DESOLATE RUINS OF DETROIT.

JOKER

Detroit hasn't changed that much, right guys? Am I right? Guys? Up high!

GIDEON

We've gotten word that Hades' right-hand man is holed up in a nearby hospital. His name is Dr. Pierre Danois and if we capture him alive, he can lead us right to Hades. Isn't it a lucky break that Danois showed up right on our doorstep after four years of fruitlessly trying to track Hades?

JACK MITCHELL

What? This couldn't be more of an obvious trap! Wait no, it could also be incredibly lazy writing and that's the likely option given what I've seen so far.

GIDEON

We'll make use of these hoverbikes to make our way into the city.

JACK MITCHELL

Cool!

GIDEON

Of course the game will drive yours for you.

JACK MITCHELL

Not at all cool!

They drive towards the HOSPITAL and leave their HOVERBIKES just outside.

GIDEON

Okay, we're continuing on foot here. Slow and steady, Mitchell. Well, you can run ahead if you want, but you'll just bump into an obstacle that only I can move out of the way and I'm going to take a fucking eternity to get there.

The OBSTACLE turns out to be a SIMPLE GIRDER. As GIDEON effortlessly MOVES IT ASIDE, MITCHELL suddenly falls TWO FLOORS DOWN.

JACK MITCHELL

I'm good! I'll just use my double jump to get back up there.

GIDEON

Actually, you're equipped with a totally different type of exosuit. No double jump and no mag gloves either. But hey, you've got a riot shield now!

JACK MITCHELL

It would be neat if I were allowed to select my own exosuit loadout at the start of every mission, but I suppose Call of Duty is deathly afraid of something like that.

MITCHELL works his way past some KVA TROOPS IN CLEANSUITS and links back up with GIDEON.

GIDEON

The hospital is just up ahead, but the KVA are everywhere and this street is too exposed. Mitchell, help me push this ambulance to the entrance so we can use it as cover!

JACK MITCHELL

So what the fuck is my riot shield even for then?

MITCHELL pushes the AMBULANCE to the ENTRANCE, which still involves GETTING SHOT AT A LOT.

INT. HOSPITAL - DETROIT

ONCE INSIDE, they find DR. PIERRE DANOIS.

PIERRE DANOIS

I'll never talk! Fuck, I just guaranteed a hefty bout of torture for myself, didn't I?

GIDEON

We'll start with punching your lights out! Okay, let's take him back to the camp.

JACK MITCHELL

We can't do that! The KVA are after us and there's innocent civilians at the camp!

GIDEON

The camp's protected by sturdy walls, Mitchell.

JACK MITCHELL

The KVA are using gunships, Gideon! Gunships that can fly right over walls if they want to!

GIDEON

If you stop whining, I'll let you take control of your hoverbike on the way back.

JACK MITCHELL

Okay fine, but the drive back better not be incredibly scripted!

IT TOTALLY IS. FUCK YOU.

INT. SHELTER CAMP - DETROIT

DANOIS is put in an INTERROGATION ROOM with ILONA, another ATLAS OPERATIVE.

PIERRE DANOIS

Hah, a woman in a Call of Duty game? She's obviously only here to serve as a damsel in distress and/or die two minutes after being introduced! Come, let's get this over with!

ILONA

Guess again, motherfucker!

ILONA subjects DANOIS to A HEFTY BOUT OF TORTURE and learns that HADES is set to meet with HIS FINANCIAL BACKERS in GREECE.

JONATHAN IRONS

Excellent work! You guys start work on an operational plan for Greece while I go tell an American army official to fuck right off.

EXT. SANTORINI - GREECE

MITCHELL and ILONA are in SANTORINI near a BUILDING where the KVA MEETING will take place.

ILONA

Okay, let's see which disposable gadget we'll allow you to make use of for this mission. You've had mag gloves. You've had the mute charge. Robot fly? No. Ah, the sniper drone!

MITCHELL takes control of a SNIPER DRONE and flies it over to the BUILDING. Just kidding, IT FLIES ITSELF.

GIDEON

Mitchell, we're ready to go in. Take out the guards in the precise order Ilona and I will dictate. If you deviate in any way, you'll have to start over.

JACK MITCHELL

It's fine, I've made my peace with it.

After MITCHELL snipes the GUARDS and then HADES, GIDEON breaches the MEETING ROOM and finds that instead it's a BODY DOUBLE.

GIDEON

It's not him, even though it's the exact same character model!

ILONA

Blast! The real Hades is bugging out in a convoy! We can still cut him off!

MITCHELL and ILONA succeed in AMBUSHING THE CONVOY.

ILONA

Hades is in the front car, Mitchell! Get to him!

JACK MITCHELL

Wait, are we about to do that typical Call of Duty boss battle where I'm immobilised while an ally fights the bad guy before I deliver the killing blow?

ILONA

Look out, another car out of fucking nowhere!

After MITCHELL is PINNED BY THE CAR, ILONA briefly FIGHTS HADES and then MITCHELL manages to SLICE OPEN HIS THROAT.

JACK MITCHELL

Right, game over! Roll credits to an inappropriate rock track!

HADES

Wait! I still have a plot point! Gurgle.

HADES passes a FLASH DRIVE to ILONA and then DIES.

JACK MITCHELL

A flash drive? This would've been a slip of paper if he wasn't such a hypocrite.

INT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

IRONS is giving an INTERVIEW to a REPORTER while MITCHELL and GIDEON look on.

JONATHAN IRONS

When the men and woman of Atlas finally killed Hades after leaving Santorini a smoking ruin, the entire KVA network came crashing down, just like when that happened with every other terrorist leader in the past!

REPORTER

With the KVA gone and Atlas now the largest corporation in the world, are we still meant to assume you're not abhorrently evil?

JONATHAN IRONS

I realise full well that PMCs haven't enjoyed the best reputation in fiction. Half the scripts on this very blog feature jokes about them being morally bankrupt! I assure you, there will be no need for new jokes regarding Atlas. There's only so many one can come up with, right?

REPORTER

There's rumours that the United Nations will offer you a seat on the Security Council.

JONATHAN IRONS

Well, I've made no secret of my disdain for politicians, so I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun rubbing elbows with them at the highest level!

As IRONS and the REPORTER leave, ILONA calls MITCHELL and GIDEON down to a MAINTENANCE ROOM.

ILONA

Guys, I've decrypted the data Hades passed on to us. In keeping with his aversion to technology, it's a goddamn holographic recording. Here, watch.

The RECORDING shows the TECHNOLOGIST FROM LAGOS warning IRONS about the KVA ATTACKS. IRONS responds by MURDERING HIS FACE, all in IMMERSIVE HOLOSCOPIC 3D©.

ILONA

Irons knew about the attacks! He ensured they would happen so Atlas could profit from the resulting chaos!

JACK MITCHELL

Not that I'm refuting this plot twist, as it was long overdue and painfully obvious right from the very first trailer, but I do have some questions. First, wouldn't it have made more sense for Irons to stop the attacks and rightly take credit for that rather than for helping out afterwards?

ILONA

I suppose, but that wouldn't have been needlessly evil, now would it?

JACK MITCHELL

Second, how did Hades even make this recording? He would have needed multiple camera angles to create this three-dimensional image.

ILONA

He probably got it from Atlas, since it was encoded with one of our own algorithms!

JACK MITCHELL

That just raises further questions!

ILONA

We don't have time for this, we have to get out of here now! Gideon, what say you?

GIDEON

Ehhhh --

ATLAS SOLDIERS suddenly RUSH IN and RESTRAIN MITCHELL and ILONA. IRONS enters and MITCHELL immediately tries to SHOOT HIM, but one of the SOLDIERS slaps the GUN out of his HAND.

JONATHAN IRONS

Four years with Atlas and you draw a gun on me right away? You're a spineless dupe, Mitchell. I guess I shouldn't have expected better from a Call of Duty protagonist who generally just goes along with the most recent thing he's told. I'm not mad, I'm disappointed.

ILONA

You are mad alright! Mad with power!

JONATHAN IRONS

Please, did you see the acting in that recording? I wouldn't even throw an Emmy at that, it's obviously a fake! Right, Gideon?

GIDEON

But why didn't you try reasoning with us instead of sending in soldiers right away?

JONATHAN IRONS

Surely you're swayed by the fact that these soldiers didn't restrain you along with Mitchell and Ilona?

GIDEON

Ehhhh -- yeah okay.

JONATHAN IRONS

Excellent. Let's go.

As soon as IRONS and GIDEON leave, MITCHELL is contacted by a MYSTERIOUS CALLER.

MYSTERIOUS CALLER

I need you to escape. I've rigged the fire suppression system to activate in three seconds. Make the most of it!

JACK MITCHELL

Hah, you should call yourself Daedalus.

MYSTERIOUS CALLER

Daedalus? Why?

JACK MITCHELL

Well, I've just been taken captive by the paramilitary organisation that I work for right after learning from a terrorist leader it's actually super evil. Now I'm being helped by an unknown individual contacting me through my video link with a voice modulator and hacking things to aid in my escape. Is this ringing any bells?

MYSTERIOUS CALLER

Oh crap, it's Deus Ex!

JACK MITCHELL

There we go.

MITCHELL and ILONA make use of the DIVERSION to KILL THE ATLAS SOLDIERS and ESCAPE OUTSIDE.

EXT. CITY CENTRE - NEW BAGHDAD

The FULL MIGHT of ATLAS bears down on MITCHELL and ILONA.

ILONA

Mitchell, follow me down these narrow corridors! I'll be sure to keep my running speed incredibly inconsistent to make navigating them alongside me an absolute nightmare for you!

They fight their way through NEW BAGHDAD and eventually reach a ROOFTOP, where the MYSTERIOUS CALLER reveals himself to be SERGEANT CORMACK.

MAJOR CORMACK

That's Major Cormack now, thank you very much. Mitchell, surely you remember your old commanding officer?

JACK MITCHELL

The only black guy in the game so far? Yeah, I remember you.

MAJOR CORMACK

I'm now the leader of a government task force investigating Atlas and their rise to power in the wake of the KVA attacks. We call ourselves Sentinel because it sounds cool. Are you with us, Mitchell?

JACK MITCHELL

Why me? Besides being the protagonist and stuff needing to happen to me, of course.

MAJOR CORMACK

I risked extracting you because you tend to change allegiance like you change your underwear.

JACK MITCHELL

Ah, the spineless dupe thing. Alright, let's go!

As CORMACK tries to EVACUATE MITCHELL and ILONA, GIDEON and JOKER show up in a WARBIRD.

GIDEON

Not so fast! I'm not quite convinced yet Irons is dirty, but I will let you guys go. Let me just radio him and tell him you were gone by the time I got here.

JACK MITCHELL

Great! We'll just conveniently overlook the fact that your warbird's pilot is looking right at us while you do that.

JOKER

(fucking sucks)

EXT. IRONS' ESTATE - THAILAND

CORMACK is leading MITCHELL on a mission to INFILTRATE IRONS' PRIVATE ESTATE in BANGKOK.

MAJOR CORMACK

We know Irons is preparing his next move and that it involves something called Manticore. We need to find out what that is, so we're going to check the files in his office. We'll have to maintain stealth to get past his security forces.

JACK MITCHELL

(sighs)

Okay, lead the way and I'll copy your every move.

MAJOR CORMACK

No no, I'll make my own way to his office. You'll have to cross the entire courtyard by yourself. Here, use this grappling hook straight out of Just Cause 2 to access higher ground.

JACK MITCHELL

Wait, I'm allowed to do this on my own? No scripting?

MAJOR CORMACK

Yes. Why are you weeping tears of joy?

JACK MITCHELL

It's just -- nothing. This is so unexpected!

MITCHELL successfully sneaks through the COURTYARD and then keeps reloading the CHECKPOINT so he can do it AGAIN AND AGAIN.

MAJOR CORMACK

Had your fill? Come on, let's see what Irons is planning. Hmm, according to these files, he's moving shipments of Manticore through a hangar in his backyard! He's either incredibly cocky or incredibly dumb.

They sneak into the HANGAR and monitor a MEETING between IRONS and DR. PIERRE DANOIS.

PIERRE DANOIS

I must warn you, Mr. Irons! Manticore is thermally unstable and highly volatile! Ah, now I see why I've been a doctor this whole time.

JONATHAN IRONS

I just got word there's been a security breach, so it's either incredibly cocky or incredibly dumb of me to still have this meeting. Just in case though, continue keeping your references to Manticore that vague.

PIERRE DANOIS

Hazard class packing groups premature exposure!

JONATHAN IRONS

Very good.

The SHIPMENT is moved onto an UNMANNED PLANE.

MAJOR CORMACK

We need to find out where that shipment is headed. Mitchell, plant a tracker on the plane! Don't worry about all the guards, just shoot them!

JACK MITCHELL

Won't that let Irons know the shipment's been compromised?

MAJOR CORMACK

Let's go with no!

MITCHELL manages to PLANT A TRACKER on the PLANE, after which he and CORMACK make their ESCAPE.

JONATHAN IRONS

Looks like incredibly dumb is winning out on this one.

EXT. DARWIN GLACIER - ANTARCTICA

CORMACK, MITCHELL and ILONA plan to INTERCEPT the PLANE over ANTARCTICA.

MAJOR CORMACK

We're going to bring down the plane right here in the ice. I know Danois said Manticore is thermally unstable and highly volatile, but I'm sure the sudden temperature drop or the plane crashing won't count.

They bring down the PLANE and are immediately captured by an ATLAS FORCE led by GIDEON.

GIDEON

Trust me. If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already.

JACK MITCHELL

That line is such a cliché, it must be true!

GIDEON eliminates the OTHER ATLAS SOLDIERS.

GIDEON

See? You have to understand, I had to find out for myself whether Irons was evil.

JACK MITCHELL

Yes, you're the absolute last one to figure that out. Also, you didn't put up much of a fuss when it seemed like Irons was going to have us killed back in New Baghdad. You had no way of knowing Ilona and I would be saved by Cormack.

GIDEON

Let's just move on, shall we? Irons is planning a preemptive strike against the U.S. with Manticore, which is a bioweapon. It targets specific DNA sequences to kill anyone who's not a main character.

JACK MITCHELL

He's going to use an engineered disease to weaken the U.S. for a hostile takeover? That's --

MAJOR CORMACK

-- Deus Ex again, yes. But we have a sample of Manticore now. Atlas is finished. We can show the world what Irons is up to.

JACK MITCHELL

Yes, he definitely seems like the okay-you-got-me type.

INT. UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY - NEW YORK

IRONS is delivering a SPEECH to the UNITED NATIONS.

JONATHAN IRONS

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for inviting me to join the Security Council. Now that I am standing on the biggest soapbox of all, I'd like to talk about the very first Modern Warfare. That game had something meaningful to say about the nature of war. It had the audacity to imply that America can't always wade in and save the day. That message has been forgotten by all Call of Duty games that followed, each of which featured the easy narrative of the noble American soldier against the foreign horde. But for every war fought and won, another emerges. Year upon year upon year, America has a new enemy to face! These wars don't work and I will no longer outsource my men to fight them!

UNITED NATIONS

(audible gasp)

JONATHAN IRONS

Instead, I will commit the full power of Atlas to dismantling America's war machine! It's the only way to stop the Call of Duty games from glorifying American interventionism instead of seeing it for the firebrand that it is! Honestly, I feel like I'm the only one who played Spec Ops: The Line!

(drops mic, leaves)

UNITED NATIONS

We must immediately condemn the actions of Irons in a strongly worded letter while letting him just walk out of the building!

INT. SENTINEL HQ

CORMACK is briefing MITCHELL and GIDEON.

MAJOR CORMACK

Irons wants to eliminate all wars by starting a war, which is like fighting fire with fire I guess. We have a list of his possible targets, but we don't know where he'll strike first. Any ideas?

JACK MITCHELL

Wait, is that the Third Fleet stationed inside San Francisco Bay? That's where he'll strike.

MAJOR CORMACK

What makes you say that?

JACK MITCHELL

It's right next to the Golden Gate Bridge and you don't put that in a work of fiction unless you're going to destroy it.

MAJOR CORMACK

Good point. I should've figured when I saw this chapter is called Collapse.

Sure enough, ATLAS succeeds in COLLAPSING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, which traps the THIRD FLEET inside the BAY.

MAJOR CORMACK

Well, that's a bummer. But at least this attack has convinced the world to turn against Irons, even though him becoming a Bond villain in front of the goddamn United Nations should have already accomplished that. Let's go to New Baghdad and kill him!

JACK MITCHELL

So Americans are going to invade Iraq to take out an American war criminal? That must be an inversion of -- no, a kind of double reversal -- I don't know what that is.

EXT. ATLAS FACILITY OUTSKIRTS - NEW BAGHDAD

CORMACK, MITCHELL and GIDEON head for NEW BAGHDAD as part of an AIR RAID through a CANYON.

GIDEON

Approach APC Romeo Victor Nought at Angels 5.

JACK MITCHELL

What? Oh, I'm in a fighter jet. Good thing I trained for this apparently.

GIDEON

Iris has the recon in our AO. Bravo Zulu.

JACK MITCHELL

I explode whenever I dare to come up over the canyon walls? Is that what you're saying?

GIDEON

Bearing three one five magnetic at cherubs four.

JACK MITCHELL

Fuck, this is the worst! What am I shooting at? Am I even shooting?

GIDEON

Crossing ACP5. Fence in and keep to 2,000 AGL or less.

JACK MITCHELL

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS!

Eventually, they pass through the CANYON and put an end to this DREADFUL HOMAGE TO INDEPENDENCE DAY.

EXT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

MITCHELL, GIDEON and ILONA join a SENTINEL TEAM in an attack on the ATLAS FACILITY, which is defended by SOLDIERS wearing HEAVILY ARMED MECH SUITS.

GIDEON

Ilona and I are going to have a cup of tea while you fight these heavy mechs. We'll be sure to incessantly urge you on for the duration of it!

ILONA

Take care of those mechs, Mitchell!

GIDEON

You must destroy the heavy mechs!

ILONA

Mitchell, we can't advance until you clear out --

JACK MITCHELL

Shut up shut up SHUT UP!

GIDEON

Calm down, it's not all bad! Remember how cool that open-ended bit in Bangkok was? You've got your grappling hook here as well, so you can make full use of the verticality of this entire square! You can even harmlessly drop from great heights by grappling ledges because fuck physics! Also, if you can get behind the mechs, you can grapple them and yank out the pilots!

JACK MITCHELL

Really? I want to do that forever now.

MITCHELL manages to DESTROY THE HEAVY MECHS, but then IRONS retaliates by SATURATING THE SQUARE WITH MANTICORE. Anyone who is not a MAIN CHARACTER DIES.

INT. ATLAS PRISON CAMP - NEW BAGHDAD

MITCHELL, GIDEON and ILONA have been CAPTURED by ATLAS and taken to a PRISON CAMP.

PRISON GUARD

Follow me and do exactly as you're told! I will punch you to death if you so much as look the wrong way!

JACK MITCHELL

Kind of feels like I've been similarly constrained for the entire game.

They are led past PRISONERS being BRUTALLY BEATEN, used for MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS and locked up in CAGES the size of KENNELS.

JACK MITCHELL

Okay okay, Atlas is abhorrently evil. We don't really need this excessive and tasteless allusion to concentration camps on top of everything. At this point I'll take even one guard being slightly squeamish about the depths he's sunk to.

GIDEON

This is a Call of Duty game, did you honestly expect any nuance?

JACK MITCHELL

No, but this blatant exploitation does undercut any legitimate concerns about the rise of military contractors. I mean, who really bears the responsibility for the crimes of PMCs? What happens when they alienate local communities? Can they be considered --

PRISON GUARD

NO TALKING!

(punches Mitchell evilly)

They are RESTRAINED and brought before IRONS, who has CORMACK at GUNPOINT.

MAJOR CORMACK

Guys, you're alive! Manticore wiped out my entire squad! I only survived because I've had lines so far!

JONATHAN IRONS

Quiet you.

IRONS shoots CORMACK in the SPLEEN because he FUCKING WELL CAN.

JONATHAN IRONS

You may be a main character but you're not a protagonist, so forget about sweating out that bullet.

(turns to Mitchell)

Ah, the prodigal son returns.

JACK MITCHELL

Still with the son thing?

JONATHAN IRONS

That was the last one, considering you've so utterly failed me. We don't tolerate failure here at Atlas. You did sort of help me out in that regard though. By killing all the men I've sent after you, you've punished them for failing to kill you! Now how shall I punish you?

JACK MITCHELL

Man, I figured the CEO of a military contractor played by Kevin Fucking Spacey would be ruthless, but this is WAY over the top. I swear you're seconds away from just letting rip with an evil cackle.

JONATHAN IRONS

I've made some valid points about American interventionism, DON'T YOU DENY IT, so I need to counter that with monstrous methods to make my villainy palatable. That's why I'm going to launch a bunch of rockets loaded with Manticore at military bases all over the world. The first one's ready to go in two hours!

JACK MITCHELL

It's also pretty obvious you're acting out of spite towards me. That helps too.

JONATHAN IRONS

I HAVE NO SURROGATE SON!

IRONS uses a LUG WRENCH to SMASH MITCHELL'S PROSTHETIC ARM. As soon as he LEAVES, GIDEON and ILONA overpower the GUARDS and free MITCHELL and CORMACK.

GIDEON

Ilona, take Cormack with you and secure us some evac! There's a scripted sequence up ahead that's meant to separate us, but I'm just getting ahead of that.

ILONA

Right! I guess a woman taking care of the dead weight is slightly better than the woman being the dead weight!

ILONA takes CORMACK outside while GIDEON tends to MITCHELL.

GIDEON

You won't be able to reload weapons with only one arm, so be sure to pick up fresh ones as you go. Good thing all the guards suddenly decided to use extended magazines!

JACK MITCHELL

But Call of Duty protagonists have always been able to reload weapons one-handed! They just move it offscreen for a second and make clicking noises! I even did that when I was dangling from the bus in Lagos!

GIDEON

Look, just be glad there's finally some variety to the shooting mechanics, okay?

MITCHELL and GIDEON fight their way through some LABS, which are littered with VACUUM-PACKED CORPSES HANGING FROM THE CEILINGS.

JACK MITCHELL

Oh my God, Irons has been using innocent people as test subjects for Manticore! What horror!

GIDEON

Hey, I think these corpses are physics objects.

JACK MITCHELL

(poking corpses like piñatas)

WHEEEEEEEE! LOOK AT 'EM GO!

GIDEON

Speaking of things flapping around, you should thank your lucky stars this isn't a third-person game. You look absolutely ridiculous running around with that dead arm slapping the air.

Eventually, they make it over to a TRUCK secured by ILONA and DRIVE OFF.

EXT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

GIDEON parks the TRUCK outside the ATLAS FACILITY.

GIDEON

We have to stop that rocket launch.

JACK MITCHELL

But Atlas has an entire army down there. Not that I don't routinely slaughter entire armies for breakfast and clear the red goop from my eyes over lunch, but it might be slightly more of a grind with only one arm.

GIDEON

Easy, we'll just put on some armoured suits to make it seem somewhat more plausible.

JACK MITCHELL

The ending to Modern Warfare 3, got it. But where will we get our hands on some?

GIDEON

We'll use those two heavy mech suits we picked up back at the prison camp. We didn't really do that, but now that I've said we did, here they are!

ILONA

I'll help by -- being the voice in your ear? Oh well, I had a relatively good run.

MAJOR CORMACK

And I'm supposed to have a slow and poignant death scene right now, but I'll just expire quickly so you don't have to linger.

(dies)

INT. ATLAS FACILITY - NEW BAGHDAD

MITCHELL and GIDEON don the MECH SUITS and EXPLODE THEIR WAY into the ATLAS FACILITY.

JACK MITCHELL

We're in! Now how do we stop the launch?

GIDEON

Keep pushing forward!

JACK MITCHELL

Okay good, but where are we going exactly? The control room?

GIDEON

Don't stop, Mitchell!

JACK MITCHELL

If you've got a plan, I'd like to be made aware of what it is, please!

GIDEON

There's the hatch! Let's open it!

JACK MITCHELL

Hatch? There's a hatch now?

GIDEON

Great, it's open! Now jump down the shaft!

JACK MITCHELL

That is a 30-storey drop! WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING?

GIDEON

Jump, Mitchell! I'm right behind you!

MITCHELL relents and JUMPS DOWN. Luckily, he figures out he can DROP SAFELY by CLAMPING DOWN ON THE SIDES OF THE SHAFT.

JACK MITCHELL

Gideon, the rocket is going to fucking launch! I'm begging you, tell me what the plan is! Where are we?

GIDEON

We're in the exhaust vent underneath the rocket. Look, those are the thrusters up there. Brace yourself, they're about to fire!

JACK MITCHELL

What? Brace myself for being boiled alive, you mean? There's no amount of fireproof these mech suits can be to withstand that kind of heat!

The ROCKET FIRES and BATHES THE EXHAUST VENT IN AN INFERNO UPWARDS OF 2,000 KELVINS.

GIDEON

(scratching his nose)

Okay, now fire everything you've got at the thrusters.

JACK MITCHELL

No words. I have no words.

MITCHELL shoots at the THRUSTERS, which DETONATES ALL THE NITROGEN GAS AND RENDERS THE AIR UNBREATHABLE.

GIDEON

(light cough)

That did it! We stopped the launch, Mitchell! Let's head back upstairs.

JACK MITCHELL

(still no words)

GIDEON helps MITCHELL back up to the FACILITY, where they suddenly run into IRONS.

GIDEON

Shit, he's remotely locked down our exosuits! We can't move!

JACK MITCHELL

You can do that? Why didn't you use that when Ilona and I were escaping from Atlas after learning the truth about the KVA attacks?

JONATHAN IRONS

You're still trying to poke holes in all this after surviving a rocket launch to the fucking face?

IRONS takes MITCHELL'S GUN and POINTS IT AT HIM.

JONATHAN IRONS

I could easily kill you now. But I've suddenly decided I don't want to be seen as a monster. Whelp, time to go monitor the other rocket launches!

(leaves)

GIDEON

Mitchell, see if you can hit the release on your exosuit! If you can do that, it also means you could have pulled the trigger when Irons was facing you!

JACK MITCHELL

Fuck, I totally can!

After GETTING FREE of his EXOSUIT, MITCHELL chases after IRONS.

JONATHAN IRONS

I kind of regret not killing you now! I also regret having already forgotten about your gun, which I still have right here in my pocket!

MITCHELL tackles IRONS, who goes over the EDGE OF THE BUILDING but ends up DANGLING from MITCHELL'S DEAD ARM. SENTINEL GUNSHIPS then START A BOMBARDMENT, which stops the REMAINING ROCKET LAUNCHES and creates a POOL OF FIRE BENEATH IRONS.

JONATHAN IRONS

I'm not letting go, Mitchell! You'll have to pull me up!

JACK MITCHELL

I do have a knife right here. I could just stab you in the hands. Or even in the face!

JONATHAN IRONS

Not my face, you don't even want to know what it cost to put that in the game! Don't do it, Mitchell! You think Atlas will die with me? I'm nothing like Hades! If you kill me, you'll just be setting the stage for a sequel!

JACK MITCHELL

Like Advanced Warfare 2 isn't already a sure thing!

MITCHELL edges his KNIFE closer.

JONATHAN IRONS

Mitchell, I gave you something to believe in! Also an arm!

JACK MITCHELL

Oh right, my arm! That's much more symbolic!

MITCHELL uses the KNIFE to CUT OFF HIS ARM, which sends IRONS PLUMMETING INTO THE FIRE.

JONATHAN IRONS

Up yours, the Hague!

(dies)

JACK MITCHELL

Well, I'm stumped.

JOKER

Hahaaah! Up high!

As the CREDITS ROLL, INFINITY WARD and TREYARCH start SWEATING BULLETS as they scramble to BOOK BIG CELEBRITY NAMES and find ways to WORK DOUBLE JUMP INTO MULTIPLAYER.

THE END

Further reading: 

Comments

I just want to tell that this is UNGODLY AMAZING, WONDERFUL AND A FREAKING JOY TO READ. I mean it. Please do game review series from this. And thank you a whole lot.

Hahaha! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this! It's possibly the worst game I've played in years. It's so heavily scripted it's like watching a movie, except throughout they throw in random 'PUSH THIS NOW!' and if you take longer than 1 second they rewind the movie by 5 minutes. Yeah, no thanks.

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