Uncharted 4: A Thief's End - The Movie

Half-Hearted Bore: A Rear End
"Human skeet" is one of the less desirable professions out there.

FADE IN:

EXT. OCEAN

TREASURE HUNTER NATHAN DRAKE and SOME GUY are being CHASED by SPEEDBOATS.

SOME GUY

Nathan, drive the boat! Shoot the guys! Drive the boat AND shoot the guys! OH NO BOAT CRASHING INTO OTHER BOAT!

NATHAN DRAKE

(hurled into ocean)

What the fuck is happening? Goddamn in media res bullshit! Go back to the beginning, for crying out loud!

CUT TO:

INT. ORPHANAGE

NATHAN is suddenly TWELVE YEARS OLD and living in an ORPHANAGE staffed by STRICT NUNS.

NATHAN DRAKE

No, not that far! Damnit, I thought that whole “Nathan’s troubled childhood” thing from Uncharted 3 was going to be a one-off. I guess Naughty Dog’s gone past the point of no return when it comes to arty-fartiness.

STRICT NUN

I’ve had it with your unspecified shenanigans, Nathan! At this rate you’re gonna turn out just like your brother!

NATHAN DRAKE

My WHO?

STRICT NUN

Your older brother? You know, the guy whose relationship with you is possibly the most important in your life?

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh! Oh SURE, Sam Drake, the guy who totally existed all along! We sure as hell didn’t pull him completely out of our asses this second, no sir!

NATHAN sneaks out to meet up with his OLDER BROTHER SAM, whose FRANK WHALEY-ESQUE SMIRK immediately identifies him as the BOAT GUY from the PROLOGUE.

SAM DRAKE

Come on kid, we’re going on a secret mission to find some of mom’s old stuff. And because streets are for weak puny mortals, we’ll be leaping across rooftops like a pair of suicidal Auditores to get there!

(pulls out rope)

It’ll give us a chance to show off the new main mechanics for the game. One involves swinging from ledge to ledge with this grappling hook, feeling like fucking Spider-Man.

NATHAN DRAKE

Sweet!

SAM DRAKE

Make the most of it, because the other one involves sliding around on your butt, feeling like a rejected cast member of Jackass.

NATHAN DRAKE

Dang.

They CLIMB, SWING and SLIDE across town.

SAM DRAKE

Now before we go do this thing, I should let you know I’ve gotten a job that involves leaving town for a while.

NATHAN DRAKE

Aw man! I’m guessing that “a while” will turn into several decades of unexplained disappearance, leaving me alone and adrift until Victor Sullivan takes me under his wing?

SAM DRAKE

That would certainly fit the continuity we firmly established in the last game. But instead, how about -- THIS!

CUT TO:

INT. PANAMANIAN PRISON

Fifteen years later, NATHAN and SAM are still CLOSE-KNIT PARTNERS IN CRIME who have ALWAYS WORKED TOGETHER AND FUCK WHATEVER WAS SAID BEFORE.

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh wonderful. So not only is this final, conclusive instalment in a beloved franchise going to focus on resolving character arcs and dynamics which we only just now invented, but we’re actually pitching my existing backstory overboard to do it.

SAM DRAKE

Alright, so here we are in our grand quest to find the treasure of legendary British pirate Henry Avery. And here with us is our extremely rich financier Rafe Adler, who slicks his hair back, talks in a slimy drawl, constantly levels dead-eyed Kubrick stares at everyone, and is rich and named Rafe.

RAFE ADLER

(reptilian glare)

NATHAN DRAKE

This is confusing. On the one hand, this guy might as well have come straight from a ninety-percent-off sale at the Main Bad Guy Cliché Store. On the other hand, he's not a foreigner, so how could he POSSIBLY be evil?

SAM DRAKE

We’ve broken into this scuzzy, violent prison so you can find a secret in an ancient prison tower.

NATHAN DRAKE

And what have you two put yourselves into this dangerous hellhole for?

SAM DRAKE

To, uhh, provide moral support?

RAFE ADLER

You can do it, Nate!

SAM DRAKE

We believe in you!

CORRUPT PRISON GUARD VARGAS sneaks NATHAN out back so he can go climb a PRISON TOWER that sits atop a VERTIGINOUS SPIRE OF ROCK.

NATHAN DRAKE

One thing that surprisingly few people appreciate about archaeology is the amount of climbing involved. Seriously, it’s like one part research to eight parts mountaineering.

He gets into the TOWER and finds a WALL FULL OF PROTRUDING BRICKS covered in ROMAN NUMERALS.

NATHAN DRAKE

Okay, by examining certain other markings on the walls and cross-referencing with a cryptic letter from Avery, I can determine that the correct brick to press is this one!

(presses brick)

Sweet! I’d feel like a pretty smart solver of puzzles right now, if it weren’t for the fact that that particular brick is also the one with A GIANT ARROW POINTING AT IT.

He retrieves a HOLLOW CROSS OF ST. DISMAS.

NATHAN DRAKE

This suggests we have to go to the church of St. Dismas in Scotland. Thus begins the traditional Uncharted plot structure of “each new clue just reveals the subsequent clue until we’ve padded the game out enough, then climax!”

VARGAS escorts NATHAN back into the PRISON.

VARGAS

I’ve figured out that you guys are after something really valuable, so now I demand a one-quarter share!

NATHAN DRAKE

(laughing)

What, one quarter of a treasure you don’t even know the worth of in the slightest? Sure. It’s actually about four hundred million dollars, but we could tell you it was literally one half of one percent of that and you’d be happy, so fuck it.

SAM DRAKE

(laughing even harder)

Besides, once we’re out looking for the treasure, with an ocean between us and this prison, you’ll have absolutely no leverage over us! So pfft, let’s just make this verbal agreement and --

RAFE shoots VARGAS dead.

RAFE ADLER

Clearly that was the only solution!

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh REAL smart. Fine, let’s do the runny-shooty thing, executing numerous guards, at least a few of whom are probably non-corrupt guys just doing a job.

They AMSCRAY, but as they’re about to get away, SAM gets SHOT and FALLS TWENTY FEET!

NATHAN DRAKE

SAM, NOOO! Since none of the other games have happened yet, I totally believe that something as piffling as that could kill a Drake!

NATHAN and RAFE escape.

EXT. OCEAN (ACTUALLY A RIVER IN NEW ORLEANS)

It is now YEARS AFTER UNCHARTED 3. NATHAN has a job salvaging SCRAP METAL from SUNKEN TRANSPORTS.

NATHAN DRAKE

Sure, because gamers clearly didn’t get enough salvage experience playing the most tedious side missions of Grand Theft Auto V.

He finishes up, does some PAPERWORK and heads home to his WIFE-AGAIN, ELENA FISHER.

NATHAN DRAKE

Holy crap, an American villain, AND Elena and I didn’t break up between games? Are we sure this is even an Uncharted game?

HE AND ELENA eat some DINNER and make SMALL TALK. Then NATHAN plays the first level of CRASH BANDICOOT. YOU PLAY CRASH BANDICOOT INSIDE UNCHARTED 4 I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

NATHAN DRAKE

Wow. Even this game doesn’t want to be playing this game right now.

ELENA FISHER

You miss the old days of murder-filled adventure, don’t you.

NATHAN DRAKE

(strained smile)

No honey, I love this domestic David Cage shit, I swear! I look forward to a game of mowing the lawn, doing my taxes, bridge night with the Goldfarbs --

SAM DRAKE

Nate! I’m alive and it’s desperately important that you come on a pirate adventure with me!

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh thank FUCK. Where the hell have you been all these years?

SAM DRAKE

The prison wanted revenge for that fat corrupt warden, so instead of just beating me to death, they opted for the more costly and inconvenient route of housing and feeding me for the rest of my life. I remember it as though it was a playable flashback.

NATHAN DRAKE

Hold on there, we’ve never had a playable character other than me! You can’t just throw in something that inconsistent partway into the fourth and final instalment of --

INFURIATING CUT TO:

INT. PANAMANIAN PRISON

Earlier, SAM is in a prison cell with DRUG LORD HECTOR ALCAZAR.

SAM DRAKE

Hector Alcazar, huh? Is that the most original name for a Latin American drug lord they could come up with? That's like calling me John Smith.

HECTOR ALCAZAR

Shhh, it’s time for my gangland cronies to break me out of prison. You’re fine to help out with some guard shooting, yes?

SAM DRAKE

(sighs)

At some point we get to kill actual non-innocent people, right?

They SHOOT their way out of the PRISON.

HECTOR ALCAZAR

Okay, I got you out. In return you’re going to find that pirate treasure you keep banging on about and give me half. Otherwise I kill you.

SAM DRAKE

Fair enough. Since we’re talking hundreds of millions of dollars worth of loot, you’ll give me some men and finance me so as to ensure this actually comes off without a hitch, right?

HECTOR ALCAZAR

Nope, just sending you off with all the resources of a middle-aged fugitive who just rotted in prison for fifteen years. That’s a totally plausible thing for a guy like me to do! There’s no reason at all to doubt whether this flashback actually happened! Don’t even give it any critical thought.

CUT TO:

EXT. DOCK

We’re BACK in the PRESENT DAY.

SAM DRAKE

So now I need your help finding that treasure or I’m dead.

NATHAN DRAKE

Okay, I’ll come with you, but we can’t tell Elena I’m going on an illegal treasure-hunting mission.

(snaps fingers)

I know, I’ll tell her I’m going on that illegal salvage mission that earlier she was not only completely fine with, but actively encouraging me to do!

SAM DRAKE

It sounds like maybe lying isn’t entirely necessary?

NATHAN DRAKE

It is if we want to jam in some relationship drama, which we apparently do.

EXT. ROSSI ESTATE - ITALY

NATHAN and SAM are sneaking into a SWANKY AUCTION.

SAM DRAKE

It turns out they’re auctioning off a cross just like the one we found in Panama, only this one hasn’t been emptied out and should have an extra clue inside. We’re here to steal it, because every other game in this franchise puts “thief” in the title and we have to awkwardly pretend we’re thieves, not treasure hunters.

(shrugs)

NATHAN DRAKE

For a job this complicated we could need some help, so I’ve called in Victor Sullivan. Sully, you ready to roll?

VICTOR SULLIVAN

Sure, kid. Oh, thanks for inviting me to this climactic resolution to the series, which explores your relationship with an older treasure hunter/thief who has been your mentor since you were a kid. I can see why you had to make up a whole new character for that, because it’s not like you already had one just sitting here, DID YOU?

NATHAN DRAKE

Er, let’s go then!

They head into the AUCTION where they find that RAFE is there to bid on the CROSS.

VICTOR SULLIVAN

Rafe Adler! So after fifteen years of searching fruitlessly for Avery’s treasure, you’ve happened upon this valuable next clue at the exact same time as us?

RAFE ADLER

(smarmy grin)

SAM DRAKE

(on walkie-talkie)

Ha ha yes what a coincidence nothing the least bit suspicious going on here WHOOPS OUR THEFT HAS TRIGGERED AN ALARM LET’S GOOO.

NATHAN, SAM and VICTOR all run for it with the CROSS. NATHAN finds himself impeded by NADINE ROSS, who runs a PRIVATE MILITARY CORPORATION named SHORELINE.

NADINE ROSS

That’s right, instead of hiring any one of the many skilled security outfits his home country has to offer, Rafe has hired me and my band of psychotic South African mercenaries! Because, try as we might, we can’t ever seem to break out of that whole “kill foreigners” mindset.

NATHAN DRAKE

So I’m supposed to get into a fight with you right now? Just punch a woman in the face, that’s my current objective?

NADINE ROSS

Yeah, so? It’s not like I’m some fragile flower, I’m a ruthless ex-military death dealer! It’d be pretty condescending for them to not let you hit me just because I’m a girl.

(beat)

Although that’s exactly what they’ve done, as for this fight all of your punches and kicks will be conveniently blocked and parried.

NATHAN DRAKE

Ah, so it’s one of those boss fights where you’re trying to get your ass kicked in the one correct way that allows the game to continue.

NATHAN succeeds at having the STUFFING BEATEN OUT OF HIM. Nevertheless, he manages to ESCAPE.

EXT. CHURCH - SCOTLAND

NATHAN and SAM have arrived in the SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS.

NATHAN DRAKE

That clue in the cross told us precisely where in the vicinity of that Scottish church to look, which gives us an edge over Rafe.

SAM DRAKE

Wait, get down! The place is swarming with Nadine’s mercenary goons, who Rafe has tasked with finding the next clue for him!

NATHAN DRAKE

So after fifteen years of trying to locate Avery’s next clue without success, he’s turning this archaeological expedition over to a bunch of heavily-armed combat specialists? I mean, what are they gonna do, just keep blowing up parts of the island until they find what they’re looking for?

SAM DRAKE

Yes. That is, no fooling, what they’re doing, and what Rafe is allowing to happen.

NATHAN DRAKE

That’s idiotic. Oh well, I’ll just take these guys out using this game’s slightly-more-sophisticated-than-before stealth mechanics.

SAM DRAKE

NATE NO DON’T --

NATHAN SAM FISHERS dozens of SHORELINE MERCENARIES to DEATH.

SAM DRAKE

Oh great. You do realise that, using a clue that we stole when Rafe was prepared to purchase it legally, on land which is Rafe’s private property, we’re now killing people before they attack or threaten us in any way? We are OFFICIALLY THE VILLAINS. Any time these guys shoot at us on sight from here on out is entirely justified.

NATHAN DRAKE

Whatever, we’ve reached the graveyard the clue mentioned. Now we just have to identify Avery’s fake grave, which will have a skull and swords on it. Hmm, this one has a skull, but no swords. This one has swords, but no skull. This one has swords AND a skull, but the swords are pointing the wrong way.

SAM DRAKE

Okay seriously, in fifteen years of searching, how did Rafe not think to pay special attention to the single most pirate-y graveyard on the face of the planet?

They find the correct GRAVE and OPEN IT, revealing a SUBTERRANEAN CHAMBER.

NATHAN DRAKE

And now that beloved adventure trope, elaborate mechanisms which still function after centuries of neglect!

SAM DRAKE

Neat, this one involves opening a particular door by correctly aiming candlelight at it. I didn’t even know they’d invented photodetectors in the 17th century!

NATHAN DRAKE

And through this door we get a hint to go search -- a big fucking cave within spitting distance of the church itself? Which Rafe never discovered? What has he been DOING for the past decade and a half?

They enter the CAVE.

NATHAN DRAKE

Hey, check out this sign! Apparently this cave is part of a series of tests to select worthy pirates for some mysterious purpose. It was set up by Avery and his partner, Thomas Tew!

SAM DRAKE

We’re claiming this was after Avery amassed his fortune, right? In other words, also after Thomas Tew was shot in half by a cannonball in --

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh, like you didn’t have to Wikipedia who Tew even was, you faker.

They make their way through the CAVE and its PUZZLES.

NATHAN DRAKE

(nearly dies)

Whoops, bridge collapsed! That was close!

(nearly dies)

Whoops, handhold gave way! That was close!

(nearly dies)

Whoops, giant puzzle mechanism disintegrated! That was close! You know, maybe I should finally consider buying actual climbing equipment instead of relying on these ancient crumbling structures that always fail on me? Couple anchors, cams, an axe, anything.

SAM DRAKE

Ooh, rope! I got rope!

(pulls out grappling hook)

NATHAN DRAKE

(slaps forehead)

Grappling hook! Right! Man, I wish I’d remembered about that thing at any point in the past fifteen years, that would have made things MUCH easier. Oh well, thanks for reminding me that rope exists.

They make it to the last test, a SCALE with some COINS in it.

NATHAN DRAKE

Be careful, take only one coin or the entire room will collapse! This is clearly a test of greed.

SAM DRAKE

A test of greed? For people in the “nautical murderer/thief” trade? Well, good thing not a single one of the people who made it this far failed that test, otherwise the entire cave would have been made pointless for anybody who followed.

They take ONE COIN.

NATHAN DRAKE

All right, we have our next clue, and as usual finishing all the puzzles in an area will trigger --

Suddenly, a HUNDRED MERCENARIES attack! NATHAN and SAM scramble back to their BOAT and FLEE.

EXT. KING’S BAY - MADAGASCAR

NATHAN, SAM and, oh yes, VICTOR are driving towards a DORMANT VOLCANO on the coast of MADAGASCAR.

NATHAN DRAKE

That’s right, the clue from the cave sent us to Madagascar. So, back in the day, not only would a pirate have to sail eight thousand miles across the Atlantic to get from their first clue in Panama to their second in Scotland, they then would have to sail from Scotland all the way round the horn of Africa to make it to Madagascar for the next clue.

SAM DRAKE

Fuck, people must have died of old age doing this thing.

Inside the VOLCANO they find a WALL MAP denoting the location of a DOZEN TOWERS.

NATHAN DRAKE

Each tower is marked with the sigil of a famous 17th-century pirate! Christopher Condent, Edward England, Anne Bonny --

(Google)

Yep, not a one of these guys is a decent historical fit. Avery retired several years before Bonny was born, for fuck’s sake. This game sure is relying on general ignorance about pirate history.

VICTOR SULLIVAN

And look, the back of that Scottish coin has a sigil which tells us which tower to go to! 

SAM DRAKE

Wait, exactly two of the sigils bear a rough resemblance to each other, and the one on the coin is one of those, worn down so that it just happens to be visually halfway between them! One way it’s a trident, turn it upside down and it’s a set of scales. We’ll have to split up and search both towers.

NATHAN DRAKE

Erm, shouldn’t we be able to determine the “up” side of the coin by the image on the other --

SAM DRAKE

BYE BYE MEET YOU LATER FOR THE ACTION SET PIECE!

(leaves)

NATHAN and VICTOR go to a CHURCH TOWER and solve an ELABORATE PUZZLE in a fashion which also completely destroys the TOWER.

NATHAN DRAKE

This next clue points us to an island off the coast. And holy crap, that island appears to be Libertalia! The mythical town that was home to hundreds, maybe thousands of pirates!

VICTOR SULLIVAN

Thousands of pirates? Thousands of pirates who all managed to pass these rigorous tests, right? Who were all expert climbers, had advanced puzzle-solving skills, had encyclopaedic knowledge of pirate lore AND obscure religious figures, weren’t greedy, and had the resources and patience to follow these clues all over the globe?

NATHAN DRAKE

Apparently ancient pirates were all Amazing Race contestants at heart.

But then they get a PHONE CALL from RAFE.

RAFE ADLER

(on phone)

Hey Nate, guess what? I’ve hacked your phone! Now I know where you and your brother are, and everything you’ve learned about Libertalia! Gonna kill you now, har har!

NATHAN DRAKE

Umm, why? Why even tell me any of this? If you hadn’t mentioned the hacking, you could have just kept tracking me and Sam until we finally found the treasure for you, then just stepped in at that point and blown our brains out.

RAFE ADLER

(on phone)

Nah, I’m far too stereotypical a villain not to gloat whenever I have the chance.

NATHAN and VICTOR run out of the CHURCH to find dozens of SHORELINE MERCENARIES waiting for them. They fight across town to meet up with SAM, in an elaborate FOOT/JEEP/TANK/MOTORCYCLE SHOOT-EM-UP, BLOW-EM-UP RACE of DEATH and MAYHEM.

NATHAN DRAKE

I can’t tell if it’s to our advantage or detriment that this city seems positively devoid of any police. You’d think they’d have been waiting for us ever since the church imploded.

INT. HOTEL

As NATHAN, SAM and VICTOR get back to their HOTEL, they find ELENA WAITING FOR THEM. RUH-ROH!

NATHAN DRAKE

Fuck, you found me out! Am I dumped? I should have known we couldn’t make it through one of these games with us being together the whole time.

ELENA FISHER

You bastard! I can’t believe you’d do this to me, forcing me to complete my gradual transition over the course of these games from thrill-chasing adventure journalist to stereotypical wronged spouse!

(storms out)

NATHAN DRAKE

Oh well, I guess all I can do is keep adventuring and hope that that situation resolves itself without my having to do anything.

EXT. ISLAND

NATHAN and SAM arrive at an ISLAND.

NATHAN DRAKE

Wait, we didn’t crash in a storm during our trip to this island? We still have to go to a whole other island just to catch up with the prologue? This game is taking forever!

SAM DRAKE

Look, let’s just do this thing. We need to follow those big arrows on the ocean floor, which somehow have neither been buried with sand nor eroded to unreadability after three hundred years of being washed over by the waves.

They follow the ARROWS, eventually discovering a PUZZLE ROOM where they have to rotate GIANT GRANITE SPHERES around the WALLS.

NATHAN DRAKE

I have to ask, what the SHIT? Huge underground puzzle caves in Scotland, a dozen towers in Madagascar, this elaborate structure on a desert island. Usually when I come across this kind of stuff it’s some whole ancient culture building stuff to protect a huge cursed city or something. How are a bunch of drunken pirates creating the eighth through fourteenth wonders of the world?

SAM DRAKE

As I understood it, our explanation is that Avery used his fortune - but not all of it, somehow - to hire brilliant engineers and pay for all this construction.

NATHAN DRAKE

So people wanting to find Libertalia could either run all over the world completing elaborate tests of worth, or they could just ask Doug, some labourer who laid bricks for a Libertalia grain silo?

SAM DRAKE

Well, maybe the builders were allowed to live there afterwards, to keep them from going around telling everybody? Which would make it less "Libertalia, secret pirate paradise" and more "Libertalia, island home to a thousand surveyors, architects, engineers, carpenters, stonemasons, ironmongers, glaziers, and general construction workers (also some pirates)."

NATHAN DRAKE

Kind of a half-assed explanation, is I think what we’re realising.

The PUZZLE ROOM yields directions to ANOTHER, EVEN MORE REMOTE ISLAND.

NATHAN DRAKE

This time it’s the one with the boat crash, right?

(crashes boat)

Fucking finally!

EXT. LIBERTALIA

After WASHING ASHORE and REGROUPING, NATHAN and SAM manage to find LIBERTALIA.

NATHAN DRAKE

Here we are! This small village of rotting old houses is kind of underwhelming after the magnificent hidden cities of the last games, but what the hell, we made it.

SAM DRAKE

Not so fast! These signs of battle and revolt suggest that Avery and his fellow pirate leaders wound up stealing all the treasure from all the other pirates and retreating to a different, fancier town on the same island!

NATHAN DRAKE

At least we’re missing by smaller and smaller increments, even if it’s starting to feel like Achilles and the fucking tortoise up in here.

But then they run into RAFE and NADINE.

NATHAN DRAKE

Aw geez, these assholes again. Why are you so determined to get this treasure, Rafe? You’ve already got basically all the money on the planet!

RAFE ADLER

It’s not about the money, it’s about achieving something with my life so I don’t feel like a useless trust fund douche anymore!

NATHAN DRAKE

If the whole point is just to make your mark, couldn’t you have told the world about the dozens of amazing archaeological finds you’ve already made in chasing down this treasure? This empty pirate town alone would be enough to make you the most famous historian of your generation.

RAFE ADLER

I’m allowed to have arbitrarily narrow criteria for what constitutes an achievement if I want! NOW YOU DIE!

NATHAN DRAKE

Don’t kill us, man! We’re just here to get that stereotypical crime lord off of Sam’s case!

RAFE ADLER

You idiot, that crime lord thing was a lie. Alcazar’s been dead for months, which means it wasn’t even a lie Sam bothered to Google first.

NATHAN DRAKE

What? That’s not true, is it Sam? That prison break must have happened! It was PLAYABLE! What kind of cheating horseshit is that?

SAM DRAKE

Sorry Nate, he’s telling the truth. Rafe was the one who freed me from that hellhole. In exchange I was supposed to help him find Avery’s treasure, but after getting all his intel and learning about the new cross, I betrayed him.

(sighs)

And then I lied to you so you’d feel you had no choice but to risk your life and marriage to come help me snatch this treasure away from the guy who gave me my life back, through a systematic campaign of theft and murder.

NATHAN DRAKE

HOLY. FUCK. That is all pure irredeemable evil! This is the point where you’re supposed to become the new main bad guy, right? Tell me they don’t still expect me to consider you a sympathetic character after this.

RAFE ADLER

Uh, maybe some more sentimental flashbacks can help fix all this?

RAFE shoots NATHAN off a CLIFF and straight into the rest of that DRAKE BROTHERS FLASHBACK.

CUT TO:

EXT. STATELY MANOR

NATHAN and SAM break into an OLD LADY’S HOUSE.

NATHAN DRAKE

Look at these old notebooks of mom’s! “Here’s how I started tracking down the treasure of Henry Avery”. “Here’s how I found evidence that Francis Drake faked his death.” Man, apparently I never had ANY original treasure-hunting ideas.

But then they’re RUMBLED by the OLD LADY, whose name is EVELYN.

EVELYN

What are you ruffians doing? I’ve called the police!

SAM DRAKE

Don’t hurt us! We just wanted to look at notebooks that were kept by our mother who used to be an explorer with you, and now that I think of it, there’s absolutely no reason why we couldn’t have just knocked on your door and explained that in the first place.

EVELYN

Oh! Well then, I’ll just tell the police it was a misunderstanding, and all will be fine. Unless some inconvenient circumstance were to suddenly HUURRRK!

EVELYN dies of a POORLY TIMED HEART ATTACK. As the COPS burst in, NATHAN and SAM run for it.

SAM DRAKE

We’re fucked now! I guess our only choice is to drop off the grid, adopt new identities, and live off crime from here on out.

NATHAN DRAKE

Why? All the cops saw was a couple of silhouettes disappearing into the night. Plus they’ll quickly realise Evelyn died of natural causes and lose interest in us, so throwing our entire lives away is --

The FLASHBACK ends hurriedly.

CUT TO:

EXT. LIBERTALIA

NATHAN has been found by ELENA, who got a lift with VICTOR to come HELP OUT.

NATHAN DRAKE

Hey, you haven’t dumped me after all! Shit, I guess we have a lot of relationship drama to work through now.

ELENA FISHER

Let’s break it up by interspersing our brooding dialogue with action scenes as we go save your asshole brother.

NATHAN DRAKE

Good idea!

(shoots mercenaries)

I’m sorry about what I did, but I thought I didn’t have a choice.

ELENA FISHER

(speeds jeep away from gunfire)

I’m not angry that you went adventuring, I’m angry that you lied to me!

(runs bad guys over)

NATHAN DRAKE

(pushes sniper off cliff)

I only lied because I was afraid you would leave me if you knew the truth!

(grapple-hooks away)

ELENA FISHER

(leaps away from grenade)

You should have trusted me to understand! I know you have abandonment issues since --

NATHAN DRAKE

OKAY! We’ve reached the other pirate town, that’ll do for melodrama.

ELENA FISHER

Look, all the head pirate captains except Avery and Tew are sitting dead around a dinner table! And look, a letter!

(reads letter)

“Dear other main pirates, Avery here. Sorry about all the recent plotting, betrayal and general loss of trust. Come to my friendly best pals reunion party and unsuspectingly drink the wine I serve you! P.S. Not a trap!”

NATHAN DRAKE

So Avery and Tew killed them and took all the treasure, which I’m guessing means the treasure isn’t here either, which makes for yet another layer of “your princess is in another castle” bullshit.

They find a SECRET PASSAGE down to a SUBTERRANEAN ESCAPE ROUTE.

NATHAN DRAKE

They took Sam through these tunnels! Past all these ancient corpses rigged to explode at the slightest disturbance --

(blown up)

OW. Which are still functional after hundreds of years --

(blown up)

FUCK. And didn’t go off when the others went past --

(blown up)

BUT WILL GLADLY BLOW OUR FACES OFF IF WE SO MUCH AS BREATHE IN THEIR PRESENCE GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!

Finally they manage to FIND and RESCUE SAM.

NATHAN DRAKE

Alright, I forgive you for some reason. Now let’s just get the fuck out of here.

SAM DRAKE

No! We’re so close! You guys can go, I’m gonna go find the treasure!

NATHAN DRAKE

Look Sam, everybody who’s touched this treasure so far has gone nuts and murdered each other. Not because it's cursed, it's just greed. Considering that the other games in this franchise have involved ACTUALLY cursed treasure which makes people become insane and violent, as a METAPHOR for greed surely, we should probably just turn back and --

SAM DRAKE

That’s the point! We need to find another metaphor at the end of all this! Some evolved pirate scurvy or mythical kraken ooze or whatever! Anything that amounts to a great evil we can safeguard humanity from, because doing that in the other games sort of excused the mass genocides you committed! We can’t have it be JUST treasure after again murdering scores of people, right? Imagine what callous psychopaths we’d be!

(runs off)

NATHAN DRAKE

SHIT! We better go after him. I’ll just get up on this cart to climb onto this ledge, and now you guys can follow WHOOPS THE CART ROLLED AWAY. Oh well, guess I’m saving Sam by myself!

ELENA FISHER

Or you could pull us up with the length of rope you’ve been carrying around the whole game?

NATHAN DRAKE

Come on, just play along and get conveniently brushed aside for the climax, okay?

VICTOR SULLIVAN

Way ahead of you!

(continues to not matter)

NATHAN goes after SAM.

INT. PIRATE SHIP - CAVE

NATHAN finally reaches a PIRATE SHIP containing a BUTTLOAD OF TREASURE, the MUTUALLY-MURDERED corpses of HENRY AVERY and THOMAS TEW, a homicidal RAFE, a bunch of DEBRIS pinning SAM, a whole lot of FIRE, and NADINE and her few remaining MERCENARIES.

NADINE ROSS

(surveying clusterfuck)

You know what? I’m gonna do the only relatable thing any character has ever done in any of these games.

(gets the fuck out of there)

RAFE ADLER

That leaves us! I’ll enjoy killing you, Nate! My entire character motivation stems from being jealous of your impressive treasure-hunting reputation!

NATHAN DRAKE

What? We’ve never even remotely hinted at such a --

RAFE ADLER

SHUT UP!

(grabs sword)

I hope you’ve gotten real good at the swordfighting mechanic!

NATHAN DRAKE

Whoa! I’m sorry, the what now?

RAFE ADLER

We -- we did some swordfights at some point, right? We’re not making the final boss fight consist entirely of a new type of gameplay we’ve only just introduced this second, have we?

NATHAN DRAKE

We kind of are. But fuck it, we can’t back out now. After four games and thousands of murders, here in the last fight in the entire franchise it’s finally time to KILL A SINGLE FUCKING AMERICAN!

NATHAN swords RAFE to DEATH, then he rescues SAM by USING A LOOSE CANNON INSTEAD OF BEING ONE, and they ESCAPE.

SAM DRAKE

So it was just treasure and greed then? No great evil to avert?

NATHAN DRAKE

Nope. We are callous psychopaths. But don't worry about it. Just rub some quips on it and we'll be fine. Helps with the PTSD too.

EXT. DOCK

NATHAN is back at his BORING JOB.

NATHAN DRAKE

So the people who were hoping I’d get killed off in this final instalment will have to live with disappointment. As it turns out, the titular “thief’s end” is just me saying I’m going to not be a thief anymore.

ELENA FISHER

That’s not conclusive enough! Sam managed to grab some coins before the treasure ship exploded, and I’ve used them to buy the salvage business off your boss, bribe enough people to arrange permits for that salvage job you didn’t do earlier, and buy film equipment so you and I can go do a legal, non-life-threatening TV show about salvage and stuff!

NATHAN DRAKE

This game has a weird idea of how much you can buy with a handful of old coins.

(frowns)

But why the salvage job? We could do an amazing show about Libertalia instead. Retrieve that massive fortune just sitting there at the bottom of a cave.

ELENA FISHER

Do you want to be the one who explains the piles of corpses on the way there?

NATHAN DRAKE

Salvage job it is then! So is that convincing enough? We can all just trust that you and I become legit television personalities and never again get involved in treasure and curses and whatnot?

ELENA FISHER

I don’t want to take any chances. Let’s add on one more scene to lock this shit right down.

CUT TO:

INT. BEACH HOUSE

MANY YEARS LATER, NATHAN and ELENA’S TEENAGE DAUGHTER CASSIE is hanging at their BEACH HOUSE.

CASSIE DRAKE

Well well, would you look at all these news clippings which clearly demonstrate what a button-down, non-adventuring lifestyle my parents have led over the past couple of decades. No justifiable room for any more games in this franchise. No sir!

(opens closet)

But what’s this? Look at all this continuity porn! Mom, dad, what kind of wild treasure-hunting existence did you lead before I was born?

NATHAN DRAKE

(chuckles)

All right, I think you’re old enough to know this now. It all started when your mother and I shot like forty Indonesian pirates to death and --

CASSIE DRAKE

NEVER MIND I THINK I’LL GO PLAY SOME NICE NOSTALGIC JAK AND DAXTER!

(flees)

THE END

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