Splinter Cell: Blacklist - The Movie

And then, in a moment of beautiful irony,  the old wooden door gave Sam a splinter.
And then, in an ironic twist of fate, the old wooden door gave Sam a splinter.

FADE IN:

EXT. ANDERSEN AIR FORCE BASE - GUAM

SAM FISHER is speaking with VICTOR COSTE, his OLD WAR BUDDY.

VICTOR COSTE

I'm glad you decided to come work for my private security company after that whole business with Third Echelon, Sam.

SAM FISHER

Of course, I couldn't pass up the chance to work for the one PMC that isn't atrociously evil.

Right before they TAKE OFF IN A HELICOPTER, they are met by COMPUTER TECHNICIAN CHARLIE COLE, who hands SAM a SATPHONE.

CHARLIE COLE

I just finished putting the final bits of awesome on this little puppy. That's how computer people talk, right?

SAM FISHER

One day a game will include a hacker character that isn't horribly annoying, but today is clearly not that day.

CHARLIE COLE

Wait, I've got more! Sam, remember how your daughter's death was faked to gain leverage over you? Which I'm sure has made you really protective of her?

(beat)

Soooo is she still single? Maybe we can work a little Meet the Parents dynamic into this?

(smirks insufferably)

SAM FISHER

Just for that, I'm gonna call you Charcoal for the rest of the game.

As SAM and VICTOR TAKE OFF, HALF THE BASE is suddenly DESTROYED by an EXPLOSION. The HELICOPTER crashes JUST OUTSIDE THE PERIMETER.

VICTOR COSTE

Sam, hurry up! We have to move!

SAM FISHER

Just a second, these light splotches in my vision aren't going away. Oh no, they're part of the art direction, aren't they? Damn you, J.J. Abrams!

VICTOR COSTE

Good thing I'm here so I can teach you the basics of gameplay and phrase it as if you only need a quick reminder. As you know, you should stick to the shadows, Sam!

SAM FISHER

Like I've been doing for years, yes. On that note, how old am I supposed to be right now? I was already 47 during the first Splinter Cell and I'm still accomplishing athletic feats like I weigh about ten pounds. At some point, salt-and-pepper hair doesn't cut it anymore. I'm just aging backwards, aren't I?

VICTOR COSTE

It seems your personality has regressed as well. What happened to the dark sense of humour you use to cope with the stresses of the job?

SAM FISHER

Don't put that on me, all the writing has been entirely humourless so far. And no, I'm not counting Charcoal's poke about my daughter as a joke.

As they're trying to DISABLE A RADIO JAMMER, VICTOR is CRITICALLY WOUNDED while SHIELDING SAM from an errant GRENADE BLAST.

SAM FISHER

Victor! Hmm, perhaps a light sense of humour will help me cope with this. I swear this will Coste them dearly!

(winks)

EXT. AIRFIELD - GUAM

SAM meets with PRESIDENT PATRICIA CALDWELL.

SAM FISHER

Ah, I see they gave you a haircut that makes you resemble Hillary Clinton even more than in the last game.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

Glad you could make it, Mr. Fisher. I hope you're not too pissed off that I used your injured friend to track you down.

SAM FISHER

No, my face just seems to be locked to smouldering rage all the time. At first I figured the facial expression system forgot about me.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

The attack on our base in Guam was engineered by a group of Middle Eastern terrorists conveniently calling themselves the Engineers. They're threatening the US with the Blacklist, a countdown to a series of escalating attacks unless we withdraw all our troops currently stationed in foreign countries.

(beat)

That's it, that's the entire premise. Fuck you if you were hoping for a return to properly nuanced Tom Clancy political intrigue.

SAM FISHER

So basically the fourth season of 24? One of the more reviled seasons? Got it.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

I want you to take point on stopping the Engineers, Mr. Fisher. You're the only one who can do this. To that end, I've decided to reform Third Echelon around you and call it -- Fourth Echelon.

SAM FISHER

Good to hear you're naming America's secret spy agencies like they do successive cash-in Hollywood sequels.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

I'm granting you the Fifth Freedom. You'll be able to call the shots and assemble your own team however you see fit. Except for Anna Grímsdóttir, she has to be on the team or the deal's off.

SAM FISHER

We're off to a great start on that Fifth Freedom thing then. Can I at least bring in one of my own guys?

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

Victor is in a coma and nobody else besides Charlie Cole was introduced, so I guess you're stuck with him. You'll also be working with CIA operative Isaac Briggs, because obviously Ubisoft shoehorned in a bunch of co-op missions and we need a guy who can do everything you can.

SAM FISHER

We're off to a great start on me being the only one who can do this too.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

For your base of operations, we've repurposed a cargo plane. It's called the Paladin and you can use it to stay mobile and talk to your team mates between missions.

SAM FISHER

Subtle. Next you'll be telling me it still needs some calibrations.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

You can also buy upgrades for the Paladin that you'll have to research through each team mate.

SAM FISHER

Not helping.

INT. PALADIN

SAM enters the PALADIN and gets acquainted with HIS TEAM.

CHARLIE COLE

Sam, I want to introduce you to the Strategic Mission Interface, or SMI for short. It's a digital platform that taps into every available intelligence database and consolidates the information in real-time for us.

SAM FISHER

Sounds good! Fire it up and let's see what we can find on the Engineers and the attacks they're planning.

CHARLIE COLE

Uhh -- we can't right now.

SAM FISHER

Why not?

CHARLIE COLE

Well, the SMI only works when it has a steady connection to all the servers and they seem to be down right now. For maintenance or something.

SAM FISHER

Come fucking on!

CHARLIE COLE

Oh wait, they just came back online!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Looks like our first and only lead is an arms dealer who's been supplying the Engineers. It's -- Andriy Kobin.

SAM FISHER

(beat)

What? Were you keeping that as a dramatic reveal or something? His name already popped up in the loading screen. But fine, I'll make my rage a bit more smouldering. Growl.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

He turned himself in to the CIA right after Guam and I don't think we can trust them with the interrogation.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Thanks for taking a big dump all over my agency when I'm standing right here, guys.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

We need to extract Kobin alive. Sam, please assure me that you won't kill him.

SAM FISHER

How about instead I keep my intentions needlessly ambiguous by ignoring your concern altogether? In fact, I'm gonna ask Briggs to pack a sniper rifle and not tell him what for.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

(smouldering rage)

EXT. BAZAAR - BENGHAZI

SAM arrives in BENGHAZI and changes into his TRADEMARK BLACK CATSUIT, which is REALLY HELPFUL in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, the safehouse is on the other side of the bazaar. To give you things to do on the way through, the local militia has occupied it.

SAM FISHER

Looks like I'll be leaving a lot of bodies in my wake then.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

If you want, but you can also employ non-lethal takedowns again.

SAM FISHER

Whoa, I was almost blown away by the collective sigh of relief there.

After working his way through THE BAZAAR, SAM enters A POLICE STATION where KOBIN is being TORTURED.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Hurry up, Sam! He's in agony and won't last much longer!

SAM FISHER

Just a minute. I need to carefully assess the situation before I make my move.

(ponders for a good while)

Eventually, SAM takes down KOBIN'S INTERROGATORS.

ANDRIY KOBIN

Thanks for rescuing me, man! Wait, why are you dramatically staring at me like that? Am I supposed to recognise you or something?

SAM FISHER

I'm Sam Fisher. Growl.

ANDRIY KOBIN

No you're not. Sam Fisher could shrivel my balls with his voice alone.

SAM FISHER

Oh yeah, I'm no longer being voiced by Michael Ironside. Ubisoft wanted a full motion capture process so they replaced him with a younger actor. Hah, I suppose I really am aging backwards!

ANDRIY KOBIN

Guess I'll have to work with that.

(beat)

oh my god it is you I do not believe it noooo

SAM frees KOBIN and escorts him to A VAN driven by BRIGGS.

ISAAC BRIGGS

I am helping!

INT. PALADIN

SAM questions KOBIN about THE ENGINEERS.

ANDRIY KOBIN

I never dealt with the Engineers directly, but I can point you to the bank account they used to pay me for my services.

SAM FISHER

Thanks. Wait no, not thanks. Fuck you for being helpful.

ANDRIY KOBIN

Great, I'm gonna be the guy everyone constantly shits on, right?

BRIGGS escorts KOBIN to a HOLDING CELL while SHITTING ON HIM SOME MORE.

SAM FISHER

Hmm, if Kobin is involved, there's a good chance Megiddo might be behind all this. Anna, let's trawl the net for any references to Megiddo.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Megiddo? What's that?

SAM FISHER

Uhh, the mysterious and powerful shadow group that was behind the events of the last two games? The way they were being worked up, I figured it was a clear setup for this game.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Oh right. No, we're just going to ignore all that.

SAM FISHER

But Kobin does get to come back? Swell.

EXT. TERRORIST CAMP - MIRAWA

After ANNA traces KOBIN'S MONEY back to A TERRORIST CAMP in MIRAWA, SAM infiltrates it and confronts THE LEADER, JADID HAIDOS.

SAM FISHER

Jadid! You're a high-value target with information I need, so please remain coherent after I shoot you and brutally kick your ass up and down this room!

JADID HAIDOS

Ow! I want to talk to the man in charge and file an official complaint!

SAM FISHER

(so intense)

You're talking to him!

JADID HAIDOS

What? You run Fourth Echelon? That doesn't make a lick of sense! Why would the leader of a special operations group be the one risking his life in the field?

SAM FISHER

You think the fans would have accepted anyone but me as the player character? Come on. Now tell me who's behind the Engineers and what they're planning!

JADID HAIDOS

How about instead I use the gun you've so conveniently pressed up against my face to commit suicide? Hah!

JADID KILLS HIMSELF.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, they're streaming large amounts of data from a location further up the camp. You'll have to use some parkour straight out of Assassin's Creed to get there.

SAM reaches THE LOCATION and finds it to be A KILL ROOM.

SAM FISHER

Anna, they executed an American soldier and now they're broadcasting footage of his death to the world.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Ooh, how very topical! Wait a second. The drone we have in the air is being hijacked and it's currently locking on to your location!

SAM FISHER

Ooh, how very topical!

The DRONE blows up THE CAMP, but SAM manages to NARROWLY ESCAPE.

INT. PALADIN

SAM confers with HIS TEAM.

SAM FISHER

So that was obviously a trap.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

The codename for the first Blacklist attack is American Consumption. At first we figured they were going after McDonald's, but now it would appear the likely target is Dallas.

SAM FISHER

How do you figure?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

ONYX satellites from NRO and ELINT sources all confirm Dallas.

CHARLIE COLE

Yeah, but the NCTC data I cross-referenced with what I pulled from the TSA leads me to believe it might be Chicago instead.

SAM FISHER

Enough with the acronyms, Jesus! I hate to think that there are actually people who get off on that military jargon. Let's just go to Chicago.

INT. WATER TREATMENT PLANT - CHICAGO

SAM sneaks into A WATER TREATMENT PLANT taken over by THE ENGINEERS.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, they're planning to infect Chicago's water supply with a biological weapon!

SAM FISHER

Oh no, that means I only have a precious few minutes to stop them! That'll surely be a chore.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Don't worry, there won't be a time limit until you reach the last part of the level.

SAM FISHER

Whew, that's a fucking relief.

SAM manages to AVERT THE ATTACK, but the ANNOYING CHECKPOINT PLACEMENT makes it A CHORE NONETHELESS. He then returns to the PALADIN.

INT. PALADIN

BRIGGS approaches SAM.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Hey, I've got a side mission involving a nuke being smuggled out of Iraq. It sounds like it's quite time-sensitive!

SAM FISHER

Okay, let's go.

ISAAC BRIGGS

It's a co-op mission though, so you can only play it with a friend.

SAM FISHER

Okay, fuck that. Anna, I hear you have a side mission I can undertake on my own?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Yes, it seems the Engineers are using a communications hub in an old seafort. You'll need to tap three routers without being spotted, otherwise you'll have to start the whole thing over again.

SAM FISHER

Okaaay. Will this mission at least have a positive effect on what ending I get?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

No, there's only one ending. These missions will only unlock some additional gear for you. Oh, did I mention that the seafort has alternate pathways that are only available when you're playing in co-op?

SAM FISHER

Let's just -- let's just focus on the main campaign, shall we?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Fair enough. I've uncovered a possible lead by using Kobin as bait. A man called Reza Nouri has been fielding manpower to the Engineers and he's currently holed up in his private estate in Paraguay.

SAM FISHER

I'm assuming he'll have a bunch of trigger-happy guards and security measures in place?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

"Ring the doorbell" doesn't make for a very engaging mission objective, Sam.

INT. NOURI'S ESTATE - PARAGUAY

SAM enters the ESTATE and forces NOURI to CORNER HIMSELF in his PANIC ROOM.

CHARLIE COLE

Sam, before you enter the panic room, I see here that you'll get a 10,000 dollar bonus if you knock out two more guard dogs.

SAM FISHER

I've been meaning to ask about that. Why the fuck is the amount of funding Fourth Echelon gets tied to how many guards I take down and what equipment I use? You'd think the President would provide us with whatever we need regardless of how many dogs I knock out.

CHARLIE COLE

Honestly, it's really just an achievement system and an in-game economy rolled into one.

SAM FISHER

Okay, I'll do it. But only because punching dogs is absolutely hilarious.

After PUNCHING TWO ADDITIONAL POOCHES, SAM breaks into NOURI'S PANIC ROOM.

SAM FISHER

Hey, you kind of look like a young Rowan Atkinson and now I can't unsee that.

REZA NOURI

What do you want?

SAM FISHER

Give me everything you've got on the Engineers! If you resist, I guess I'll just have to torture you a bit.

REZA NOURI

Oh hey look, Iranian special forces have arrived to kill me! If you keep me out of their hands, I'll tell you everything I know.

SAM FISHER

Urgh, fine! But you better not start running around like a headless chicken.

Thankfully, he DOESN'T and SAM escorts him to SAFETY. ANNA then analyses THE DATA HE PROVIDES.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Using vague terminology like travel heat maps and backbiting analytics, I've made the SMI put some random wireframes on a map and determined that the Engineers are running an operation in London.

INT. ABANDONED MILL - LONDON

SAM sneaks into AN ABANDONED MILL occupied by VERY BRITISH MERCENARIES.

MERCENARY #1

Ya catch the footy last night mate?

MERCENARY #2

Yeh, we wos bloody robbed!

SAM FISHER

Oh man, I obviously won't be getting the bonus for leaving hostiles undisturbed in this level.

MERCENARY #1

WOT WOS DAT NOISE?

After taking down ALL THE MERCENARIES, SAM comes across MYSTERIOUS CANISTERS being loaded into VANS.

SAM FISHER

We're dealing with nerve gas! Just like in the fifth season of 24! I'm going to plant a tracker on one of the canisters so we can find out what the target is.

As SAM plants THE TRACKER, a bit of NERVE GAS WAFTS OUT.

SAM FISHER

Erp, I think I've been infected! But just like Jack Bauer in the seventh season of 24, I'll keep insisting that I'm still capable of doing my job in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary!

Instead, SAM COLLAPSES into A COUGHING HEAP and is CAPTURED by MAJID SADIQ, LEADER of THE ENGINEERS.

SAM FISHER

(vomits)

Hey, you're being played by Carlo Rota, who was Morris O'Brian on 24!

MAJID SADIQ

Would you give it a rest with pointing out the parallels to 24? There's only so many terrorism plotlines in the barrel and everybody's scraping at this point.

SAM FISHER

(convulses)

Tell me why you're doing this! You obviously don't expect the US to actually withdraw its troops!

MAJID SADIQ

Oh no, I'm not going to smugly elaborate on my motives now that I have you captured! That's such a horrible cliché! Instead, I'll just point out how we both kill for a purpose. Yes, we're not so different, you and I.

SAM FISHER

(slipping into a coma)

Oh, and that's not a cliché?

MAJID SADIQ

Speaking of clichés, I wonder which one you'll use to get out of this situation.

ISAAC BRIGGS

SUDDEN INTERVENTION!

BRIGGS busts into THE ROOM. SADIQ flees and BRIGGS elects to STABILISE SAM instead of GIVING CHASE.

SAM FISHER

Briggs, what are you doing? The mission comes first! We're both expendable!

ISAAC BRIGGS

Jeez, I wouldn't have saved your life if I'd known you were going to be such a dick about it.

INT. PALADIN

SAM and BRIGGS enter the PALADIN.

SAM FISHER

Briggs, you're off the active duty roster. You and me, we're done professionally, man.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Then it really doesn't make sense that you can still launch my co-op mission at this point.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, we've uncovered evidence that ties Iran to the Blacklist. I think it's a misdirect, but the President is gunning for war.

SAM FISHER

Right, then we better not do anything to aggravate an already very volatile diplomatic situation.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Ooorr we could break into the headquarters of Iran's Quds Force and obtain definitive proof one way or the other?

SAM FISHER

Oh right, no nuanced political intrigue. Fuck yeah, let's do it!

EXT. QUDS FORCE HQ - TEHRAN

SAM enters the CAR of GENERAL ALI ROHANI and presses a GUN TO HIS HEAD.

SAM FISHER

General! As you can see, I've just knocked out your driver. Now take a look at this video feed. Yup, that's a drone pointed right at your wife and child. And hey, remember your favourite pet dog? Yeah, he didn't run away, your father accidentally ran him over and covered it up.

GENERAL ROHANI

Way to introduce yourself, you ruthless American! What do you want?

SAM FISHER

Get me inside Quds HQ. And no funny stuff!

GENERAL ROHANI

There hasn't really been much stuff that I would classify as funny so far.

GENERAL ROHANI guides SAM into THE BUILDING, but then leads him into AN AMBUSH.

GENERAL ROHANI

I would rather my family die than have them live as traitors. Ruthless, no? Perhaps we're not so different --

SAM FISHER

Oh, don't even go there. Anna, kill the power!

SAM takes advantage of THE SUDDEN DARKNESS to escape THE AMBUSH and eventually makes it over to THE SERVER ROOM.

SAM FISHER

Why isn't this room absolutely plastered with guards? Did they just forget about the American spy loose in the building?

CHARLIE COLE

You'll need to physically pull the data from the servers, Sam. That'll take some time, so I guess guards will come rushing in as soon as you start the process.

After doing that whole AREA DEFENCE THING, SAM manages to RETRIEVE THE DATA and escape in A VAN driven by BRIGGS.

SAM FISHER

Briggs, what are you doing here? I want you to know I resent the way you're helping me get out of Tehran right now!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, the data you've recovered absolves Iran of any involvement with the Blacklist!

SAM FISHER

Really? I figured different when I came across a Blacklist laptop in the building, but I suppose that was just another collectible.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Now let's get you out of there in a way that won't increase tensions between our countries.

SAM FISHER

Uh oh, we've got multiple enemy vehicles in pursuit!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

DRONE STRIKES! DEATH FROM ABOVE!

ANNA uses A DRONE to eliminate ALL THE PURSUIT VEHICLES.

INT. PALADIN

PRESIDENT CALDWELL is speaking with ANNA.

PRESIDENT CALDWELL

I'm going to cover up your actions in Tehran as an unfortunate drone malfunction. Yes, we'd prefer Iran to believe that our drones can accidentally take out speeding cars with pinpoint accuracy.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

That sure fits this game's stubborn refusal to address the irony that we keep doing the very things that have prompted the Engineers to plan the Blacklist.

SAM FISHER

Everything we do is fine as long as it's for national security. Your decisions just can't be personal. That might humanise you and Lord knows we can't have any of that!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Oh, this coming from the guy who's only here because of a close personal attachment to someone!

SAM FISHER

Okay, I do have a daughter I'm worried about, but come on! She's basically been reduced to a phone at this point.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

I wasn't talking about Sarah, I was talking about Victor! He's still in and out of a coma because of the Blacklist attack on Guam!

SAM FISHER

Oh right, Victor! Sorry, I'm just so used to women being used as emotional motivators. This is a Ubisoft game after all.

CHARLIE COLE

Guys, that tracker Sam put on the nerve gas bomb in London? It just showed up at a transit yard in Philadelphia!

SAM FISHER

That must be the second Blacklist attack! Why is it called American Freedom though?

CHARLIE COLE

Maybe when they're releasing the nerve gas, they're also setting it free?

EXT. TRANSIT YARDS - PHILADELPHIA

SAM and BRIGGS intercept a bunch of ENGINEERS moving into THE TRANSIT YARD.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, there's four nerve gas bombs in place. You can disarm them using cutscenes, it won't involve some lame minigame or anything.

SAM FISHER

I've just disarmed the first one. Briggs, we better split up so we can cover more ground.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Got it. Hey, what if the player plays as me for the bombs I'm going after?

SAM FISHER

Sure, I don't see a problem with that.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Great! To change things up a bit, my sections will be played as a shitty approximation of a first-person shooter! Variety!

SAM FISHER

I see many problems with that.

After BRIGGS disarms TWO BOMBS, SAM heads for THE LAST ONE.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Be careful, Sam. The Engineers have mined this entire area.

SAM FISHER

Doesn't mining an area imply actually burying the mines? The Engineers just left them on the ground for anyone to see. Honestly, that's just lazy.

SAM easily navigates THE MINES and disarms THE LAST NERVE GAS BOMB.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

One of Sadiq's commanders is on site, Sam. If you grab him, he may be able to tell us about the next attacks.

SAM chases down THE COMMANDER, who is then KILLED by a TRIGGER-HAPPY COP.

SAM FISHER

Ooh, how very topical!

INT. PALADIN

SAM and BRIGGS return to the PALADIN.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

As retaliation for the two attacks we've averted, the Engineers have moved up their timeline. The remaining attacks will now take place within a day of each other instead of a week.

SAM FISHER

Years of planning and their schedule is changed that easily?

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

There's another thing. The CIA has sent Reza Nouri to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation and we're completely locked out.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Of course! Sam's arrogant lone wolf behaviour has alienated every intelligence agency out there! You might even say we've been -- blacklisted.

SAM FISHER

In light of that, I'm sure you won't mind risking your own career at the CIA by getting us access to Nouri, right?

ISAAC BRIGGS

Fine, I'll see what I can get out of him.

SAM FISHER

No no, you misunderstand me. You're going to help ME break into Gitmo so I can interrogate Nouri.

ISAAC BRIGGS

(smouldering rage)

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Breaking into a prison? Come on, that's ridiculous. And so overplayed.

SAM FISHER

Relax, it's going to be even more ridiculous when Watch_Dogs does it.

INT. GUANTANAMO BAY - CUBA

After getting himself INCARCERATED in GITMO, SAM is visited by BRIGGS.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Okay Sam, try not to blow my cover.

SAM FISHER

Then maybe we shouldn't be suspiciously whispering to each other while there are other guards around? Just a thought.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Don't worry. You of all people should know how deaf guards can get. Now let's go.

SAM FISHER

What, no quips about the current reversal of our power dynamic? I figured you'd be eating up this little piece of theatre for all it's worth.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Oh, I'd love to dish out some barbs, but you know, entirely humourless writing and all.

BRIGGS leads SAM to NOURI'S CELL and then LEAVES to go ARRANGE SOME EVAC.

SAM FISHER

Hey Nouri! Looks like I do get to torture you after all! Good thing it's so ingrained in popular culture that nobody really questions it anymore!

REZA NOURI

I swear, if you start talking about 24 again --

SAM traps NOURI'S WRISTS between the legs of a FOLDING CHAIR and then starts FOLDING IT in the hope that NOURI WILL FOLD TOO.

REZA NOURI

This is supposed to break me? Give me a break.

SAM FISHER

Well, what if I start folding the chair A LITTLE HARDER?

REZA NOURI

Argh, you absolute monster! Okay, I'll talk! Sadiq ordered me to get myself locked up here so I could distract America by pointing fingers at Iran!

SAM FISHER

Yeah, everyone and their mother figured that one out already. Tell me about the next Blacklist attack!

REZA NOURI

They're planning to blow up a tanker in Louisiana and set the entire south coast on fire! You may have gathered since it's called American Fuel.

SAM FISHER

Oh, just like the final conspiracy in the first and only season of Rubicon, which starred James Badge Dale, who had a supporting role in the third season of 24!

REZA NOURI

Okay, now you're reaching.

SAM knocks out NOURI and leaves HIS CELL.

SAM FISHER

Five minutes in and I've completed my objective using nothing but cutscenes. Escaping Gitmo is going to take a long fucking time, isn't it?

After LABORIOUSLY working his way past ELEVEN OR SO DETAINMENT YARDS, SAM finally reaches BRIGGS and they both ESCAPE.

INT. PALADIN

As soon as the PALADIN is AIRBORNE, all its systems FAIL and it goes into A DIVE.

CHARLIE COLE

Sam, the Engineers have uploaded a virus into our systems which resulted in our pilot being knocked out! Don't ask how!

SAM FISHER

Co-pilot! Can you keep this bird in the air?

CO-PILOT

(actual line)

Yes. I mean, no.

SAM FISHER

What? Was that some lame attempt at a military deadpan or did your voice actor just flub a one-word line in the worst possible way and Ubisoft didn't bother to correct him?

CO-PILOT

I may be able to keep us in a glide if I had another pilot up here.

SAM FISHER

Hang on, I'll go get Kobin.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Kobin? He doesn't know how to fly a plane! If he does, that really should have been established.

SAM FISHER

Nope, he totally does. I have a feeling he'll also have a better idea of getting our systems back up than Charcoal does.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

That doesn't make any sense!

It REALLY DOESN'T, but KOBIN still SAVES THE PLANE. He then GETS SHIT FOR IT.

SAM FISHER

Close one. Charcoal, how'd they get into our systems?

CHARLIE COLE

Um -- err -- ah --

SAM FISHER

Okay look, if you're being cagey about this attack, it either means you're an Engineer mole or you fucked up somehow. Since you being a mole would come out of an even further brand of nowhere than when Kobin saved the plane just now, I'm guessing you fucked up?

CHARLIE COLE

Yes, when I tapped that data stream in Mirawa, I --

SAM FISHER

Not interested, Charcoal. The law of character arcs dictates you won't fuck up again and we haven't really been bucking any trends so far.

CHARLIE COLE

It's cute that you think I have a character arc.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

We have a problem, Sam. While we were offline, American Fuel went through. The Engineers used a hijacked tanker to blow up a liquid natural gas facility in Sabine Pass!

SAM FISHER

Well, it doesn't look like there's anything we can do about that now.

CHARLIE COLE

Wait! They used the same virus they hit us with to disable the facility's failsafes and now all the other facilities along the coast are vulnerable!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

And the Engineers are actively hindering emergency services in their work by shooting at them!

SAM FISHER

Or all those things could make me go down there, I guess.

CHARLIE COLE

I have prepared a recommended loadout for you, Sam.

SAM FISHER

Alright, let's see here. Wait, incendiary grenades? At this point, I don't think they need any MORE fire!

EXT. LNG TERMINAL - SABINE PASS

SAM parachutes into the FACILITY.

CHARLIE COLE

If you can get to the main terminal, I can patch in and regain control of the facility!

SAM FISHER

This is just a token nod to the information warfare themes of the more interesting Splinter Cell games, isn't it?

After SAVING THE FACILITY, SAM manages to CORNER A BLACKLIST COMMANDER.

BLACKLIST COMMANDER

Help! I've been impaled by an ambulance and now I'm choking on the irony of that!

SAM FISHER

Oh, you're not using this situation to commit suicide like Jadid? Great, tell me about Sadiq's plan!

BLACKLIST COMMANDER

It's too late! Denver bunker President your people Sadiq!

SAM FISHER

I'm sure all that will make sense soon enough.

INT. PALADIN

SAM boards the PALADIN and speaks with HIS TEAM.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

The attack in Louisiana has triggered continuity of government. The entire top brass was sent to a secure bunker in Denver and Sadiq was already there. He took everyone hostage and now the President is willing to negotiate like a total wuss. She's ordered Fourth Echelon to stand down.

SAM FISHER

Negotiating with terrorists? Unacceptable! I suggest, nay, demand we defy her orders and take out Sadiq ourselves.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Fuck yeah, let's do it!

EXT. SITE F BUNKER - DENVER

BRIGGS arrives at the OUTSKIRTS of the BUNKER.

ISAAC BRIGGS

No no, I'm not Briggs! See this mask concealing my entire face? You can't be sure who I am, so let me just assure you that it's Sam Fisher you're looking at!

URGH, OKAY. SAM arrives at the OUTSKIRTS of the BUNKER.

ISAAC BRIGGS

Yep, totally Sam Fisher doing Sam Fisher things. You can tell I'm not Briggs because this mission isn't being played as a crappy first-person shooter!

SAM infiltrates THE BUNKER and knocks out A GUARD three feet from ANOTHER GUARD, who just DOESN'T HEAR THAT.

ISAAC BRIGGS

See? I used exactly the same punching animation as Sam Fisher would have, so I must be Sam Fisher! The mission comes first! Growl.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, Briggs, I'm addressing you both simultaneously to keep up this incredibly flimsy charade. Sadiq is torturing the Secretary of Defence to gain access to our government's classified files, which he's intending to expose to the world. You must stop that from happening, because we don't need an unfortunate reference to WikiLeaks on top of all this.

ISAAC BRIGGS

(grunt of acknowledgement)

After SABOTAGING the BUNKER, BRIGGS -- I MEAN, SAM allows himself to be CAPTURED by SADIQ.

MAJID SADIQ

Hmm, a super spy simply walking in with his hands in the air? This is obviously part of some larger ploy, but I'll go along with it and pretend I just beat you.

(removes mask)

Gasp! You're not Sam Fisher!

ISAAC BRIGGS

Psych! Bet you nobody saw that one coming!

MAJID SADIQ

Well then, now you can bear witness to the Secretary spilling all of your country's secrets! I obviously need him alive for that, so let's get you within grabbing range of him.

(beat)

Mr. Secretary! If you don't want to lose another body part, I suggest you unlock those files. I'll even echo a line Sam Fisher used earlier when he was torturing Nouri so it'll seem like Ubisoft does have something deep and meaningful to say on the topic. Or maybe it just rehashes that "we're not so different" cliché, whatever.

BRIGGS then grabs THE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE and puts him in A HEADLOCK.

MAJID SADIQ

I didn't think that one through, did I? But I bet you're too chicken to actually kill him. Chicken! Bawk bawk baaawk!

ISAAC BRIGGS

Fifth Freedom, motherfucker!

BRIGGS breaks THE SECRETARY'S NECK.

MAJID SADIQ

No! He was somehow the only one who could access the files! Bluuurgh!

SADIQ brutally BEATS UP BRIGGS and takes him TOPSIDE along with THE OTHER HOSTAGES.

EXT. SITE F AIRSTRIP - DENVER

SADIQ and the remaining ENGINEERS are escorting the HOSTAGES to the PALADIN. But wait, SAM is masquerading as ONE OF THE HOSTAGES!

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

Sam, I've got snipers trained on the Engineers. You can tell they're on our side because their laser sights are green instead of red.

As the SNIPERS take out THE ENGINEERS, SAM rushes forward to see SADIQ SHOOTING BRIGGS and RUNNING OFF.

SAM FISHER

Briggs! You're bleeding out!

ISAAC BRIGGS

Finish the mission, Sam!

SAM FISHER

Hah. Do you see what just happened here?

ISAAC BRIGGS

What?

SAM FISHER

Back in London, I was the one in need of medical care and you chose to save my life instead of chasing down Sadiq and now here we are on opposite sides of --

ISAAC BRIGGS

OH MY GOD I GET IT! Just go already!

SAM FISHER

It's ironic is what I'm trying to say.

ANNA GRÍMSDÓTTIR

You can't let Sadiq get to the Paladin, Sam! Well you can, since it's currently occupied by Delta Force, but we need to pretend like this is between you and him!

SAM FISHER

I'm sure that's why those snipers didn't bother to take him out too when they had a clear shot.

SAM catches up to SADIQ.

SAM FISHER

It's over, Sadiq!

MAJID SADIQ

No Fisher, it's only just begun!

(beat)

Good grief, what a cliché that was. Mind if we try that again?

SAM FISHER

Yeah sure.

(clears throat)

This ends here!

MAJID SADIQ

We are just getting started!

(beat)

Much better.

After realising that HIS GUN IS EMPTY, SAM sneaks up on SADIQ.

MAJID SADIQ

I know you're out there somewhere! I'm sure I'll be able to see you coming if I cover a 180° arc in front of me!

Eventually, SAM defeats SADIQ thanks to the power of QUICKTIME EVENTS.

MAJID SADIQ

You think you've won? Phah! Twelve nations will rise up against the US if I'm killed and I'll spill everything I know if you let me live!

SAM FISHER

There's always another option! I'll just take you into custody for interrogation while telling the world you're dead!

MAJID SADIQ

Didn't -- didn't you hear what I just said? Whether I'm actually dead or not, those nations will retaliate as long as they think I am!

SAM FISHER

We're just going to sweep all that under the rug. It's over!

MAJID SADIQ

No, it's really not!

But apparently, IT IS.

THE END

Further reading: 

Comments

I don't recall that being part of Stephen Saunders' demands, but I was more referring to a steady stream of escalating attacks against America orchestrated by a single individual of Middle Eastern origin. That's what the entire fourth season of 24 was about; Majid Sadiq is basically Habib Marwan.

I know he wanted Palmer to give him the list of undercover operatives but I think Saunder's mentioned he was warming up to a US withdrawal. Anyway yeah, when I played through Blacklist I thought it was pretty much Splinter Cell: 24 Edition to the point I was waiting for Chloe to show up.

This was outstanding, obviously from a true fan of the series. I like the little nod to the obnoxious always-on requirement, which Ubi needs to drop sometime yesterday. Are you doing Shadow of Mordor? :D

Thanks for the compliment! Sadly, I don't think I'll be doing Shadow of Mordor. I've already got a rather sizeable backlog of games built up after my gaming PC crapped out on me a while back. I only just got my new one, so now I'm playing catch-up. Also, I'm one of those weird people who really doesn't take to Lord of the Rings at all. The game and its Nemesis system do seem really interesting, so perhaps it'll see a Short Script through a contribution one day :) Oooorrr if you want to see the game lampooned in a different format, Richard Cobbett has you covered right here: http://www.richardcobbett.com/codex/therichardperspective/middle-earth-shadow-of-mordor-abridged/

This was awesome. Which coming from me means nothing, because I am easily contented and I enjoyed the game very much in spite of the weird stuff. Still, I read it all through. Twice.And I couldn't stop laughing. I may not be very demanding when it comes to videogames, but can spot talent when I see it. Awesome. Thanks.

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