FADE IN:

EXT. HIGHWAY - AMERICAN MIDWEST

LEON S. KENNEDY, a rookie cop with hair that COULDN'T BE MORE NINETIES BOYBAND IF IT RELEASED THE HIT SINGLES “BYE BYE BYE” AND “IT'S GONNA BE ME,” is driving his BOMB-ASS 4x4 towards RACCOON CITY. He checks himself in the REAR VIEW MIRROR and brushes back his HAIR.

LEON KENNEDY

Everything's coming up Leon.

He points a PRETEND PISTOL at himself in the mirror and WINKS. The car speeds on towards a city that is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FULL OF ZOMBIES

CUT TO:

EXT. SIMILAR HIGHWAY - AMERICAN MIDWEST

CLAIRE REDFIELD, a university student from NEW YORK, is riding her MOTORCYCLE, also towards RACCOON CITY. She pulls over for A BREAK and takes out a FAMILY PHOTO FROM THE BREAST POCKET OF HER VEST. It is of herself and CHRIS REDFIELD, her brother.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Chris, if I don't find you tonight, I swear to God, I am going to go to the brother shop and just buy myself a new brother.

She puts the photo BACK IN HER POCKET and speeds off again on the MOTORBIKE. The LICENSE PLATE says “FUKZOMBS.”

CUT TO:

EXT. YET ANOTHER SIMILAR HIGHWAY - AMERICAN MIDWEST

A TRUCK DRIVER is sat in the CAB of his TRUCK. He is clutching a BLOODY WOUND on his ARM.

TRUCK DRIVER

That guy bit me! Agh, it really hurts.

He laughs to himself for a second.

TRUCK DRIVER

I guess you could say the pain is “jawful.”

He laughs some more, then COUGHS UP BLOOD.

TRUCK DRIVER

Urrrrr. Christ, I feel ill.

He starts the ENGINE and the TRUCK LURCHES ONTO THE HIGHWAY, ALSO TOWARDS RACCOON CITY.

EXT. STREET - RACCOON CITY

LEON'S 4x4 screeches to a HALT in front of a DEAD BODY LYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. He GETS OUT.

LEON KENNEDY

Well, look at this sorry sack of spuds.

He walks over to the BODY and checks for a PULSE. Behind him, out of DOORWAYS and ALLEYS, several ZOMBIES shamble down the STREET. LEON doesn’t notice.

LEON KENNEDY

She's been bitten. Hey, where is everyone?

He turns around and sees all the ZOMBIES. They GROAN.

LEON KENNEDY

No, I mean the living people, not the zombies.

(thinks for a second)

Wait a minute. Zombies?

They are ALMOST ON HIM. He pulls out his GUN and starts SHOOTING. The BULLETS make bloody marks on the ZOMBIES’ CHESTS AND STOMACHS, but none of them fall over. Suddenly the BODY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD GRABS LEON'S BOOT. It is a ZOMBIE also.

LEON KENNEDY

Boots aren't food!

He SMASHES THE FUCK out of its HEAD WITH HIS SIZE 11 DOC MARTEN. The ZOMBIES continue to LURCH FORWARD.

LEON KENNEDY

This is turning into a hell of a first day!

He winks at the CAMERA. Because it is the 90s and that FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS HAIR CURTAIN BULLSHIT IS IN STYLE, everyone watching thinks he's MEGA THE COOLEST.

INT. DINER – RACCOON CITY

CLAIRE is looking around a DESERTED DINER with an “I DON’T THINK MY BROTHER IS GOING TO APPEAR IN THIS GAME” kind of look on her face.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Chris?

There is NO ANSWER. She rounds the corner of the COUNTER and GASPS when she sees a BLOODIED ZOMBIE CHEF chomping on the remains of a HUMAN BODY. The ZOMBIE stands up and WALKS TOWARDS HER.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Aaah, now I get it.

CUT TO:

INT. CLAIRE’S ROOM

A FLASHBACK shows CLAIRE sat on her BED talking into a PHONE.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

What? Chris, you're breaking up. What did you say? You were attacked by -- donkeys?

CUT TO:

INT. DINER – RACCOON CITY

CLAIRE REDFIELD

God, do I feel stupid.

The ZOMBIE is almost on her. She SPINS AROUND and sees DOZENS MORE clawing at the WINDOWS.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I gotta get out of here!

CLAIRE looks around quickly and sees the FIRE EXIT. She bolts towards it, flings it open and sees LEON there, pointing a GUN directly at her HEAD. He is COVERED IN SWEAT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Wait, don't shoot!

LEON KENNEDY

But there's a zombie!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

No, I mean don't shoot me!

LEON KENNEDY

But I can shoot the zombie?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Yes!

LEON KENNEDY

Yeah? I can do it? I can shoot the zombie?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Yes! Shoot it!

LEON KENNEDY

Okay, okay, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna --

The ZOMBIE is SO CLOSE to biting CLAIRE she’s practically WEARING IT AS A HAT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Shoot it!

LEON KENNEDY

Okay! Okay!

He takes a BIG BREATH. He's so PANICKED.

LEON KENNEDY

AAAAAAAAARGH!

He shoots EVERY BULLET in his GUN. When the SMOKE CLEARS, he sees the ZOMBIE is UNHARMED AND STILL ALIVE. Or, uhh, STILL UPRIGHT?

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God I'm sorry!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Run!

She GRABS HIM and they both STUMBLE AWAY.

LEON KENNEDY

I'm a policeman. Do you think that's sexy?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

There!

She's spotted an ABANDONED POLICE CAR in the middle of the STREET. They both RUN TO IT.

LEON KENNEDY

I have a badge and a uniform. Pretty sexy, right?

They get in. LEON is in the DRIVER'S SEAT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Let's go, let's go!

LEON KENNEDY

Buckle up!

(under his breath)

For lovin’.

He backs the CAR into a WALL, then shoves it into GEAR and smacks into ANOTHER WALL. He hits the SIREN and they SPEED AWAY into the CITY.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Where are you going? Spin it around! We can drive out of the city!

LEON KENNEDY

HUH?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I said turn around! We can drive right out of --

LEON KENNEDY

I can't really hear you because the siren is on!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Turn it o--

LEON KENNEDY

I put it on really loud because I'm a policeman!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I SAID TURN AROU--

LEON KENNEDY

If you open the glove box, it should be full of guns!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

What?

LEON KENNEDY

Huh?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE OF THE SIREN!

LEON KENNEDY

No, I'm not seeing anyone right now. Are you?

The CAR speeds through the CITY. Trailing behind, unbeknownst to LEON and CLAIRE, is the TRUCK FROM EARLIER.

LEON KENNEDY

(shouting)

I don't just want to sleep with a girl, you know? People see the uniform and they think he must be a stone cold badass who blazes his own trail and gathers no moss but I've watched Dirty Dancing about fifty times and I always cry at the end. That bit where he's behind her making the pot? Man.

CLAIRE unbuckles her SEAT BELT and reaches out the WINDOW to the ROOF. She SMASHES the SIREN with her FIST. The NOISE stops suddenly.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Turn the car around! We can drive right out of the city!

LEON KENNEDY

No can do, sweetcheeks. I gotta get to the police station.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Those monsters are everywhere! Look!

She points out the WINDOW. There are THREE ZOMBIES hanging onto the WING MIRROR.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

We have! To get! Out of here!

LEON KENNEDY

If I don't report for duty, I'll be letting down the people of this city and my fellow officers. I'm a cop if you hadn't noticed. A grizzled, sexy, uniformed, sexy, shoot first ask questions later even when it comes to love, sexy cop. I'm not about to let this city go to hell just because you're too chicken to get the job done!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

The city's already gone to hell! Look around you! There's nothing left to --

LEON KENNEDY

I don't want to hear it!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

We have to --

LEON KENNEDY

I'm a policeman.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

We've got to go and get --

LEON starts making the SIREN NOISE.

LEON KENNEDY

Nee-nar nee-nar nee-nar!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Oh my God, fine. We'll drive past the police station once, but if it looks like the rest of this place, we get out of here.

LEON KENNEDY

Heh. You'd make a fine officer, Miss --

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Redfield. Claire Redfield.

LEON KENNEDY

Leon Kennedy. I'm a policeman.

The CAR continues to SPEED THROUGH THE CITY. The TRUCK is still GAINING on them.

LEON KENNEDY

Pop the glovebox.

CLAIRE opens the GLOVEBOX. Dozens of GUNS spill onto the FLOOR.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

It's full of guns.

LEON KENNEDY

Told you. Take a couple, you might need them. And pass me one. I used all my bullets protecting you from that massive crowd of zombies in the diner.

She passes him a GUN.

LEON KENNEDY

Hey, this might seem a bit forward, but how about we pull over and hop in the back seat? I know the city's gone to hell, but there are no monsters back there.

(winks)

A ZOMBIE jumps out from the BACK SEAT and GRABS LEON.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God get it off me GET IT OFF ME!

He loses control of the CAR. CLAIRE grabs the ZOMBIE and hurls it onto the BACK SEAT. She's about to SHOOT IT when it LEAPS UP AGAIN AND ATTACKS HER.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Kill it!

LEON KENNEDY

I can't! I'm scared!

The CAR bounces side to side down the ROAD, crashing off one line of PARKED CARS and then into another. CLAIRE is still struggling with the ZOMBIE.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

OH FUCK IT THEN!

She GRABS THE WHEEL out of LEON'S HANDS and TURNS IT HARD AS SHE CAN. The CAR screeches into a 180 and smacks TAIL END FIRST into a LAMPPOST. The ZOMBIE goes flying out of the BACK WINDOW and his LITTLE SHORTS COME DOWN and you can see his UNDERWEAR and he LOOKS AN IDIOT.

LEON KENNEDY

Are you okay?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Suck my dick, Leon.

Suddenly, they both see the TRUCK hurtling towards their CAR. The DRIVER WHO WAS BITTEN EARLIER is now a ZOMBIE. Inside the CABIN we can hear his DISPATCH RADIO.

RADIO

Don't Call Me Baby, this is James Brown's Worst Ever Wednesday. Have you delivered that massive truck full of bombs and gasoline to Raccoon City yet?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Run!

CLAIRE jumps out of the CAR on the PASSENGER SIDE. LEON checks his hair in the REAR VIEW MIRROR and then DIVES OUT OF HIS SIDE. The TRUCK piles into the SQUAD CAR and blows up like FUCKING KANYE WEST AFTER HE RELEASED THE COLLEGE DROPOUT. CLAIRE and LEON are separated by the WRECKAGE.

LEON KENNEDY

Claire?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Are you okay?

LEON KENNEDY

I, err --

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Just head to the police station, I'll meet you there.

LEON KENNEDY

Erm --

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Leon?

LEON KENNEDY

I have a confession to make, Claire! I'm not really a policeman! I mean, I am, but this was supposed to be my first day. I've never actually been a policeman. I just wanted to look cool because you're super hot!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Just get to the station! It'll be okay!

LEON KENNEDY

I'm sorry! I just --

The TRUCK BLOWS UP AGAIN.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I'm running away now, Leon!

LEON KENNEDY

Okay! I'll run away as well! I love you!

They both DASH down their RESPECTIVE STREETS. CLAIRE dodges around ZOMBIES and gives a few of them THE FINGER. She arrives at the REAR GATE OF THE POLICE STATION.

EXT. POLICE STATION - RACCOON CITY

CLAIRE grabs a KEY from inside a SMALL HUT. It is added to her BOMB ASS INVENTORY SCREEN. She unlocks the BACK GATE of the POLICE STATION and dodges more ZOMBIES and heads up some STAIRS to the HELIPAD where she witnesses the FUCKING DUMBEST SHIT EVER.

A FAT COP is trying to summon a HELICOPTER that is FLYING OVERHEAD but he is PURSUED BY A COUPLE OF ZOMBIES. Even though he has a BLOODY MACHINE GUN FOR FUCK'S SAKE, he is UNABLE TO KILL THEM even though if you're actually playing the GAME and you have a MACHINE GUN you can DROP ZOMBIES LIKE THEY'RE HOT. CLAIRE watches this scene and DOES NOTHING because -- UMM -- HUH.

FAT COP

Stay back! I'm warning you! Even though you're obviously zombies!

He LETS RIP with the MACHINE GUN and YEAH, IT DOES FUCK ALL.

FAT COP

I'm just a big fat dumbass I suppose.

The ZOMBIES GRAB HIM and FUCK HIM UP. As he falls over, the MACHINE GUN, which is STILL FIRING, shoots up into the HELICOPTER COCKPIT.

HELICOPTER PILOT

(on his radio)

Control, this is Bullshit Contrivance 109-er. Preparing to land at ARGH!

He is SHOT TO BUGGERY. The HELICOPTER spins out of control and CRASHES INTO THE GROUND right on top of THE FAT COP AND TWO ZOMBIES. CLAIRE is still STOOD THERE IN DISBELIEF.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Oh, nice work. You took out the zombies. Now we can get out of here.

She heads inside the POLICE STATION wondering if every COP in this town can be THAT STUPID.

EXT. STREET - RACCOON CITY

LEON is trying to PUSH OPEN A DOOR that says “PULL." There are ZOMBIES coming up behind him.

LEON KENNEDY

Whatever's making these people act crazy, it's affecting doors too!

He gives up, bends over at the WAIST and CHARGES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE GLASS PANE IN THE DOOR using his HEAD. After standing back up and POSING FOR A FEW PHOTOGRAPHS FOR SMASH HITS MAGAZINE, he is startled by a VOICE.

SHOP OWNER

Who are you? What are you doing here?

It's the OWNER of this GUN SHOP. He is pointing a SHOTGUN at LEON, who throws up his HANDS.

LEON KENNEDY

I'm a sexy cop! My name's Leon!

SHOP OWNER

Oh sorry about that. I thought you were one of them.

LEON KENNEDY

Really? Is it my acne? I use concealer, but it really flares up when I'm nervous.

SHOP OWNER

We'll have to get this door boarded up.

LEON KENNEDY

What's going on in this town?

SHOP OWNER

(actual line)

I don't have a clue. By the time I noticed something was wrong, the entire city was infested with zombies.

There is NO WAY to turn that LINE into a BIGGER JOKE than it already is. The thought of THIS GUY serving CUSTOMERS every day, visiting his DOCTOR and going on a DATE with his GIRLFRIEND and not noticing that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS NOW A ZOMBIE speaks for itself.

LEON picks up some AMMO from around the GUN SHOP. When he is about to LEAVE, he turns around and sees that the GUN SHOP is now FULL OF ZOMBIES and they are all around the OWNER.

LEON KENNEDY

Holy shit man, look out!

SHOP OWNER

Huh?

LEON KENNEDY

Zombies!

SHOP OWNER

What? Where?

He looks around the SHOP across ALL THE ZOMBIES and doesn't seem to notice ANYTHING. They JUMP HIM and he is KILLED like a SHOP OWNING CHUMP. LEON waits until the ZOMBIES are FINISHED before TAKING THE GUY'S SHOTGUN as a sign of RESPECT.

EXT. POLICE STATION - RACCOON CITY

LEON shoots some HOOPS with some ZOMBIES on a BASKETBALL COURT, HITCHES a RIDE with a few more on a BUS, and then KICKS IT RPD STYLE with a bunch of COP ZOMBIES. Eventually, he arrives at the POLICE STATION COVERED IN BLOOD AND TERRIFIED.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God, I hope red is in this season.

He PULLS THE DOOR to the POLICE STATION, but it doesn't OPEN.

LEON KENNEDY

Man, what's going ON in this town?

He gives up and decides to STRIKE ANOTHER POSE, this time for a PHOTOSHOOT WITH MOJO. He tries to LEAN ON THE DOOR to look NONCHALANT AND COOL, but his WEIGHT PUSHES IT OPEN and he falls ARSE FIRST into the HALL of the POLICE STATION.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God, this place is massive! I bet it's really echo-y in here.

(chuckles)

Heh.

He sucks in a BIG LOAD OF BREATH and lets out a MASSIVE YELL.

LEON KENNEDY

LEON IN THE HOOOOOOUSE!

It echoes throughout the MAIN HALL.

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - RACCOON CITY

CLAIRE is trying to SNEAK AROUND SOME ZOMBIES on her TIPPY TOES.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Just -- need to be -- quiet.

They haven't noticed her, but then LEON'S VOICE reverberates down the CORRIDOR.

LEON KENNEDY (O.S.)

LEON IN THE HOOOOOOUSE!

The ZOMBIES suddenly TURN AROUND and SPOT CLAIRE.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Oh for the love of --

She draws her GUN and starts SHOOTING AT THEM.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN HALL - POLICE STATION

LEON KENNEDY

That was dope.

He enters a SMALL SIDE ROOM and suddenly sees AN INJURED MAN sitting on the floor. He is NOT MODELLED AFTER WILL SMITH WE SWEAR TO GOD EVEN THOUGH THIS IS 1998 AND WILL SMITH IS AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS HOLLYWOOD SUPERFAME.

MARVIN BRANAGH

You must be the new guy, Leon. I'm sorry but it looks like your party has been cancelled.

LEON KENNEDY

That's okay. It's a non-stop party anyway when you're the L-Meister. Oh hey, you're really hurt. I've got to be honest, dude, I don't really like blood so do you mind if I --

MARVIN BRANAGH

Hey, what are you doing?

LEON lifts up MARVIN and ROLLS HIM ON HIS FRONT so he can no longer see the WOUND ON HIS ABDOMEN.

LEON KENNEDY

That's better. Now, what's going on in this town? There are dead people walking around and the doors are all screwy.

MARVIN'S VOICE now comes through MUFFLED as his FACE is smooshed to the FLOOR.

MARVIN BRANAGH

About six months ago there was an incident in a mansion involving zombies. When Chris and the other STARS members came back they were all super hype to tell everyone, like “Oh em gee there were totally zombies and monsters and shit,” but nobody believed them. Not long after that, all this started to happen.

LEON KENNEDY

Don't die, dude. The world needs Enemy of the State.

MARVIN BRANAGH

Don't worry about me. Just rescue the survivors in the other rooms.

LEON KENNEDY

Okay, but I have to save my super hot girlfriend Clara first. Have you seen her? She thinks policemen are hot and she loves sirens.

MARVIN BRANAGH

Just go! Rescue the survivors!

LEON KENNEDY

Okay, okay. But I'm coming back for you. Unless you die. Which I guess you might?

He tries to push open the DOOR to get out.

LEON KENNEDY

URGH! THIS TOWN!

MARVIN BRANAGH

Pull it, you idiot.

LEON KENNEDY

Ooooh! Sorry, it's just, I don't have doors in my house. My mom took them all out because I kept getting my hair caught in the hinges.

LEON leaves and TITS AROUND THE POLICE STATION for a while. He finds a bunch of PUZZLE PIECES AND KEYS AND SHIT, but, because he is a NUMBNUTS, instead of using them to UNLOCK THE MATCHING DOORS, he just RUNS INTO THEM ALL HEAD FIRST UNTIL THEY SMASH OPEN.

INT. OFFICE - POLICE STATION

CLAIRE is rifling through a PILE OF BOOKS on her BROTHER'S DESK.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

How To Disappear And Not Tell Your Family. Convincing People You Totally Saw Zombies. Little Dorrit. Ah, here we go, his diary.

She opens it up and starts to READ, which is narrated by CHRIS. He is played by AL PACINO because WHY NOT.

CHRIS REDFIELD (V.O.)

Hoo-wah! Gotta get RIGHT OUTTA TOWN, RIGHT NOW! Zombies RIGHT UP THE ASS! Hoo-WAH!

CLAIRE drops the DIARY and looks FORLORN. After a moment, LEON charges into the room HEAD FIRST, smashing the DOOR into SPLINTERS. CLAIRE screams and shoots, but the BULLET bounces off LEON'S IMMACULATELY CHISELLED ABS.

LEON KENNEDY

Clarissa! Thank God you're okay!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Leon! What the fuck are you doing?

LEON KENNEDY

I was walking down the corridor and then I thought I'd just, heh, head in here. Did you find your brother? Or some lingerie?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

He already skipped town. Look.

She shows him the DIARY. The FINAL PAGE says "FUCK THIS. WE OUT!" in big letters.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I'm not sending him a Christmas card this year. Fuck him. We should get out of here.

LEON KENNEDY

I found all this stuff.

He tips a MASSIVE BAG OF KEYS AND GEMS AND WHATEVER on the DESK.

LEON KENNEDY

I think it, you know, makes the police

station go.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

It does what?

LEON KENNEDY

It makes it go. You know, it makes it turn on. Makes it work.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

You mean, it opens a way out?

LEON KENNEDY

(shrugs)

Ha! That diary said "fuck."

CLAIRE picks up all the PUZZLE ITEMS.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Look, let's split up. Here, I found these radios. You take one and I'll take one. That way we can keep in touch.

LEON KENNEDY

(looks at the radio)

You're giving me your number? Heh, sweet.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I'll deal with all this stuff. You head to the lower levels, see what you can find.

LEON KENNEDY

Maybe we should stick together. If you get in trouble, you might need me to rescue you.

He smiles and winks. Several of his TEETH have been knocked out from HEADBUTTING DOORS and a thin line of BLOOD is tracing down his FOREHEAD.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I think we'll cover more ground separately. Besides, I'm just gonna be solving puzzles. You don't wanna stick around for that boring old stuff, do you?

LEON KENNEDY

And I bet there are guns in the basement.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I bet there are.

LEON KENNEDY

Yeah well, fuck it then. Sorry Karen, I know you want me to stay and protect you, but puzzles are for nerds. I'm gonna go get guns. Later, hot stuff.

He runs HEAD FIRST through the EMPTY DOOR FRAME back out into the CORRIDOR.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Thank Christ for that.

CLAIRE gathers the REST OF THE PUZZLE ITEMS and heads out. She also spends a while TITTING AROUND THE POLICE STATION. Because she is not a total FUCKWIT, she manages to unlock SEVERAL PUZZLES AND DOORS and find a way into an OFFICE previously blocked by HELICOPTER WRECKAGE.

INT. IRONS' OFFICE - POLICE STATION

CHIEF BRIAN IRONS, a FAT BLOKE with a MOUSTACHE who looks like he's being played by DENNIZ FRANZ, is sat behind his DESK looking over the BODY OF A WOMAN.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Fucking hell, what now?

BRIAN IRONS

Oh, hello. I didn't hear you come in. My name is Chief Irons. I'm in charge of this police station. It's all gone to bollocks though because I'm totally mental.

He RIPS OFF HIS MOUSTACHE and EATS IT.

BRIAN IRONS

See? I'm halfway to the moon with my balls in my ears. Ha ha ha. Oranges.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Right.

BRIAN IRONS

You probably noticed the dead woman. She was the mayor's daughter. Now I'm using her as a paperweight. Ferrero Rocher?

He holds out a plate of RAW ONIONS.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

No, I'm okay, thank --

BRIAN IRONS

THERE'S A SECRET DOOR BEHIND MY DESK!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Is there now?

BRIAN IRONS

IT'S WHERE ALL THE TUESDAYS LIVE!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I see.

BRIAN IRONS

Bye bye!

He slams his FIST on a BUTTON ON HIS DESK and it spins round into the WALL, like a BOOKSHELF FROM FRANKENSTEIN. CLAIRE is about to walk away when the DESK spins back round into view. IRONS is still sat down, only now his SHIRT is off and he is SMILING. The DESK doesn't stop moving and spins back into the WALL, where it now STAYS.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

So that's how Leon got hired.

She hears A SCREAM from ANOTHER ROOM.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

What was that?

INT. TAXIDERMY ROOM - POLICE STATION

Adjacent to IRONS' OFFICE is a room for TAXIDERMY. CLAIRE hits the LIGHTS and among all the STUFFED ANIMALS is a LITTLE GIRL HIDING. Her name is SHERRY BIRKIN.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Hey! You!

SHERRY runs away, but CLAIRE grabs her.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Get off me, you zombie bitch!

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Woah, hey there! Watch the language!

SHERRY BIRKIN

Watch my balls.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Where did you learn to speak like that?

SHERRY BIRKIN

From my dad.

When she finally STOPS RESISTING, CLAIRE lets her go.

SHERRY BIRKIN

He's a scientist. Do you know where he fucking is, ho?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

How old are you?

SHERRY BIRKIN

Fucking twelve.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

You really shouldn't know all these words at your --

SHERRY BIRKIN

Oh whatever, shitnipples. Do you know where my dad is or not?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

No, I haven't seen your dad.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Pisslamps. There's a monster after me. I don't know what to do.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

You mean the zombies?

SHERRY BIRKIN

No, arsebrain. Something bigger. It's --

Just then, an ALMIGHTY, INHUMAN ROAR thunders from a NEARBY ROOM.

SHERRY BIRKIN

That's it! It's coming! You better fucking hide!

(runs away)

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Hey, wait!

CLAIRE chases after her. As she leaves, she glances around the TAXIDERMY ROOM and notices that, among other things, CHIEF IRONS has dressed and posed a SQUIRREL like MICHAEL JACKSON IN THE THRILLER VIDEO.

INT. CORRIDOR - POLICE STATION

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Where the hell is she?

The DOOR at the other end of the HALL opens. Through it steps MR. X, a GIANT, HUMANOID MONSTER wearing a BIG LEATHER COAT. The back of the COAT has a GIANT DISCO STAR MADE OF SEQUINS. CLAIRE shoots him a few times, but to NO EFFECT. She then tries to CHARGE INTO HIM with the BUTT of her GUN, but it doesn't BUDGE HIM AN INCH and he throws her back onto the GROUND.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Where's Leon's head when you need it?

MR. X advances on CLAIRE when there's a SUDDEN BANG from another ROOM.

SHERRY BIRKIN (O.S.)

Fucking bollocks! Stubbed my fucking toe!

MR. X hears her VOICE and turns around to go after it. CLAIRE waves her ARMS to try and DISTRACT him.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Hey! Don't go after her! Go after me! Go after -- oh whatever. Foul-mouthed little bastard deserves it.

She PICKS HERSELF UP and heads back into the POLICE STATION proper.

INT. BASEMENT - POLICE STATION

LEON is in the WEAPONS ROOM looking at all the GUNS while flexing his OWN.

LEON KENNEDY

Chicks dig guns.

He picks up a MACHINE GUN and examines it. When it accidentally FIRES, he GIGGLES.

LEON KENNEDY

Heh. Guns.

He collects several GUNS and then stands in front of a MIRROR pretending to DRAW FROM THE HIP like JOHN WAYNE. A PHOTOGRAPHER FOR GQ MAGAZINE snaps a few PHOTOS and LEON signs another MODELLING CONTRACT FOR CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR.

LEON KENNEDY

If only the guys back at Sigma Pi could see me now. Then they'd let me in.

He leaves the ROOM and walks down a CORRIDOR. A NOISE FROM ABOVE disturbs him. He looks up and sees a CREATURE crawling along the CEILING. It has NO SKIN and a massive, long, KNIFE-SHARP TONGUE. It is called the LICKER.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God.

The LICKER lands on the FLOOR and GROWLS AT LEON.

LEON KENNEDY

Such a big tongue. I guess you could call it -- the Taster.

It leaps into the AIR. LEON SHRIEKS and RUNS AWAY. Using its TONGUE, the LICKER whips him on the ARSE like he's BEING CHASED AROUND A LOCKER ROOM IN A TOWEL FIGHT.

LEON KENNEDY

Ow! Ow!

He runs through a DOOR into the UNDERGROUND CAR PARK. The LICKER is almost on him.

LEON KENNEDY

I'll put the guns back! I'm sorry!

Just then, a BARRAGE OF HANDGUN FIRE sounds from the other side of the CAR PARK. The LICKER is hit several times, falters, screeches and DIES. LEON is stunned and RUBBING HIS SORE BUM. Out of the shadows steps SECRET AGENT ADA WONG, wearing a RED COCKTAIL DRESS, which is absolutely a TACTICAL NECESSITY. LEON imagines her swishing her HAIR from side to side and staring at him as the CHORUS OF GEORGE MICHAEL'S “CARELESS WHISPER” plays loudly.

ADA WONG

Are you a cop?

LEON stares at her, OBVIOUSLY IN LOVE.

LEON KENNEDY

Buh?

ADA WONG

ARE YOU A COP?

LEON KENNEDY

Me cop. Yes. Cop. Me.

ADA WONG

Where are the others?

LEON KENNEDY

You're Leon. I'm pretty.

ADA WONG

What?

LEON KENNEDY

I mean, I'm pretty. You're Leon.

ADA WONG

Are you okay? Did that thing bite you?

LEON KENNEDY

No, it just licked my bottom.

(clears his throat)

My name's Leon.

ADA WONG

I'm Ada. Ada Wong.

LEON KENNEDY

How did you know I was a cop?

ADA WONG

The front of your uniform says RPD.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh, that doesn't stand for Raccoon Police Department.

ADA WONG

No?

LEON KENNEDY

That stands for Really Perfect Dude.

HE shoots her with a PRETEND PISTOL. She begins to VIOLENTLY DRY HEAVE.

ADA WONG

Sorry, I just --

(heaves again)

Jesus Christ.

LEON assumes this means SHE LIKES HIM.

LEON KENNEDY

Hey, I bet you like sirens, huh?

ADA WONG

We need to get out of the city. There's a secret tunnel hidden in the sewer. Are you coming?

LEON KENNEDY

Well, there is this girl who I was supposed to rescue, but she'll be fine.

ADA WONG

Then let's move.

ADA heads off. LEON collects the RADIO FROM HIS BELT and calls CLAIRE.

LEON KENNEDY

Hey Chloe. There's this secret cool tunnel in the basement that I found so I'm gonna head out. You can come too, I guess, but listen. I don't think we should see each other any more. I just don't wanna be tied down right now, you know? You're still hot though. Okay, later babe.

(runs after Ada)

This is the best job ever.

INT. POLICE STATION - RACCOON CITY

CLAIRE spends a little longer arsing around in the POLICE STATION. She finds MARVIN BRANAGH, who has unfortunately turned into a ZOMBIE, and KILLS HIM. At least that means he won't have to make MEN IN BLACK 2.

After a while, she finds all the TRINKETS AND SHIT that she needs to unlock the DOOR behind CHIEF IRONS' DESK. On the other side, as well as big GRAFFITI SIGN that says “DON'T EAT SANDWICHES THEY ARE USED TO CONTROL YOUR MIND! SIGNED CHIEF IRONS,” she finds SHERRY BIRKIN.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Oh. You're alright then?

SHERRY BIRKIN

Of course. Why the fuck shouldn't I be, dumbguts?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Nothing.

They descend an ELEVATOR to IRONS' PRIVATE SANCTUM.

INT. IRONS' PRIVATE SANCTUM - POLICE STATION

IRONS is stood in the middle of the ROOM wearing SHIRT, TIE, UNDERWEAR AND SOCKS WITH SOCK SUSPENDERS. NO TROUSERS, THOUGH.

BRIAN IRONS

Well, what do we have here? Come to try and stop me, have you?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

We just want to get to the sewer.

BRIAN IRONS

I bet you do. That's where the Bookshelf People and the Thursday Boys live. Which one are you?

He pulls a STRING attached to his COLLAR and his TIE rolls up and down like a CLOWN.

BRIAN IRONS

NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT I HAVE EIGHTY CARS!

He does a FORWARD ROLL.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Look fruitcake, just let us shitting past.

BRIAN IRONS

Oh I can't do that. If I let you go, my legs will turn into bastards.

He holds out a plate of DEAD MICE.

BRIAN IRONS

Ferrero Rocher?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Forget it, we're going.

BRIAN IRONS

No!

(pulls a gun)

You're not going anywhere! You're going to stay and help me finish my masterpiece!

He rips a CURTAIN off a TABLE and reveals a SMALL UNFINISHED MODEL OF A SPITFIRE.

BRIAN IRONS

So close to perfect. All it needs is the finishing touch. Help me find it. It's one of the wings. I dropped it down here somewhere.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

You're insane!

BRIAN IRONS

Not as insane as your mo--

(starts to cough)

Oh no! No! AAAARGH!

His CHEST suddenly BURSTS OPEN!

BRIAN IRONS

WHO PUT THAT IN THERE?

A SMALL HIDEOUS CREATURE emerges from his CHEST CAVITY. Somewhere in NEW YORK CITY, A COPYRIGHT LAWYER telephones RIDLEY SCOTT and tells him he'll be able to AFFORD THAT NEW CAR AFTER ALL.

IRONS drops DEAD. The CREATURE runs down into the SEWER HATCH.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Fucking hellfire.

CLAIRE and SHERRY run after the CREATURE. By the time they've reached it in the SEWER, it has grown into an ENORMOUS LEECH-LIKE MONSTER. But even on HARD MODE, this BOSS FIGHT is a PIECE OF PISS because you have the GRENADE LAUNCHER already and, let's face it, YOU'VE COMPLETED THIS GAME A BILLION TIMES. DON'T LIE.

INT. SEWER - RACCOON CITY

LEON and ADA are trudging through the SEWER.

LEON KENNEDY

So then I was all like “We should just turn around and drive out of the city,” and she was like “No, let's go to the police station, it'll be safe.” Can you believe it? But heh, at least it means I got to meet you.

ADA WONG

Right. Sure.

LEON KENNEDY

What did you say you were doing here again?

ADA WONG

I came to find my boyfriend. His name's John.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh. Boyfriend? But I thought --

ADA WONG

Hm?

LEON KENNEDY

Nothing. Hang on, did you say John?

ADA WONG

Yeah.

LEON KENNEDY

I think he's dead. I shot a zombie and it had a name tag on that said John. That must have been him, right? I mean, how many Johns can there be?

ADA WONG

Come on, it's this way.

LEON KENNEDY

How do you know where you're going? It's almost like you're a secret agent who had maps, blueprints, and keys to the entire Raccoon sewer system because you were trying to access a secret underground lab and steal a sample of the virus that is causing all this chaos.

ADA WONG

(stunned)

What? How did you --

LEON KENNEDY

Sorry. My mind wanders. I'm not really a right brain type, you know?

(strokes his chin)

Or is it the left brain? Or both? Anyway, the doctor said I shouldn't use any dangerous machinery.

He uses the BARREL of his MACHINE GUN to scratch his EYEBROW.

ADA WONG

Listen, Leon. Maybe we should --

LEON spots SOMETHING over ADA'S SHOULDER.

LEON KENNEDY

Hey look, a lady!

ADA WONG

Huh?

She spins around to see ANNETTE BIRKIN running off down a CORRIDOR. ADA gives chase and LEON jogs after her.

LEON KENNEDY

Ada, I think we should break up. See, I've met someone else.

ADA freezes at the MOUTH of the CORRIDOR. ANNETTE'S GUN rings out.

LEON KENNEDY

You're still hot and everything, it's just -- WOOAAH!

He trips over his own SHOELACES and flies in front of ADA, catching one of ANNETTE'S BULLETS in his SHOULDER in the process. He struggles to sit up against a WALL.

ADA WONG

Oh my God, Leon. You -- you saved my life.

LEON KENNEDY

I think she likes me.

ADA WONG

Listen, I'll be right back, okay? Don't die.

LEON KENNEDY

Give her this.

It's a SIGNED PHOTO OF HIM WITH NO TOP ON. ADA takes it and runs after ANNETTE. After following her through the SEWERS, she eventually rounds a corner and BANG! ANNETTE somehow manages to SHOOT ADA'S GUN right out of her HAND. She has her DEAD TO RIGHTS.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

You! You're here to steal my husband's research!

ADA WONG

I --

ANNETTE BIRKIN

You can't have it! I already sold it on eBay!

ADA WONG

I'm just here to find my boyfriend, John. He works at Hooters.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Ha! Exactly the kind of lie I'd expect from an Umbrella spy!

ADA WONG

Umbrella?

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Yes. They totally ballsed this whole thing up.

An EXTENDED FLASHBACK shows WILLIAM BIRKIN, ANNETTE'S HUSBAND, working in his LAB late one night. Then his EYES behold an EERIE SIGHT. For UMBRELLA OPERATIVES begin to rise. And suddenly, to his surprise, they do the MASH. They do the MONSTER MASH.

By which I mean they SHOOT HIM TO FUCK AND STEAL ALL HIS VIRAL RESEARCH. But as he sits there DYING, he swallows a BIG GOBFUL OF HIS OWN POTION and transforms into a MASSIVE MONSTER and KILLS THEM ALL, causing the VIRUS SAMPLES they were carrying to SPILL INTO THE RACCOON WATER SYSTEM. Hence the CURRENT CRISIS. It was a GRAVEYARD SMASH.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Not only is William still wandering around this place, his virus, the G-Virus, gives him the ability to implant embryos into anyone with his DNA.

ADA WONG

So you're saying --

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Yes. If I don't find my daughter, she might get all embryo'ed up, and I'd have social services on my ass faster than you can say --

ADA WONG

Hi-ya!

ADA lunges at ANNETTE with a KARATE CHOP.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Exactly. Hi-ya.

The CHOP catches ANNETTE in the NECK and she rolls over the RAILING down into the SEWER below. She probably stinks of SHIT AND PISS NOW.

ADA WONG

Feces you later.

(laughs to herself)

Ur-ine trouble.

(another laugh)

Shit happens.

(small laugh)

Okay I should probably get back to HOLY HELL!

A MASSIVE ALLIGATOR inexplicably emerges from the WATER and ATTACKS ADA.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL - RACCOON CITY

LEON stands up, still WOUNDED. He struggles but nonetheless manages to pose for ESQUIRE, then limps after ADA.

LEON KENNEDY

Chicks dig scars.

He emerges into a ROOM and sees ADA fending off the GIANT ALLIGATOR.

LEON KENNEDY

Ada! Did you give her the photograph?

She looks at LEON incredulous. The ALLIGATOR turns to him.

LEON KENNEDY

Ru-roh!

He RUNS AWAY and the ALLIGATOR gives chase. LEON tries SHOOTING it but to no avail. Eventually, he sees a GAS CANISTER on the wall marked “HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE. DO NOT DAMAGE EXTERNAL CASING.” LEON suddenly has a BRILLIANT IDEA. He detaches the CANISTER and starts HITTING THE ALLIGATOR OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.

LEON KENNEDY

Take that, and that, and that!

ADA rounds the corner and sees what's GOING ON.

ADA WONG

Put it in its mouth!

LEON KENNEDY

Huh?

ADA WONG

Put it in its mouth and shoot it!

LEON KENNEDY

But then it'll blow up and I won't have anything to hit it with!

ADA WONG

Just do it!

LEON wedges the CANISTER into the ALLIGATOR'S MOUTH, steps back, and SHOOTS IT. The ALLIGATOR'S HEAD EXPLODES. Somewhere in NEW YORK CITY, STEVEN SPIELBERG'S COPYRIGHT LAWYER (who also represents RIDLEY SCOTT) telephones him to say he'll be able to AFFORD THAT HOUSE EXTENSION AFTER ALL.

LEON looks down at the DESTROYED CORPSE of the ALLIGATOR.

LEON KENNEDY

Heh. See you later, crocodile.

ADA picks LEON up and helps him walk to a TRAM that goes directly to the SECRET UNDERGROUND UMBRELLA LAB. Whilst she's patching up his BULLET WOUND, he asks her if she likes MEXICAN FOOD. She says NO and LEON is out of CHAT UP LINES, so they just ride the TRAM in silence.

INT. TRAM STATION - RACCOON CITY

Later, CLAIRE and SHERRY are trying to get the TRAM working.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

I bet Leon's already there. He probably messed with the controls.

SHERRY BIRKIN

The fuck is Leon? He sounds like a total doucheplunger.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

You have no idea.

She hits some BUTTONS and the TRAM whirs into life.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Got it. Okay, let's --

The DOOR to the TRAM STATION suddenly EXPLODES. In strides MR. X to the pounding beat of DMX'S “X GON' GIVE IT TO YA.”

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Sherry! Run!

She looks over to see that SHERRY has long since run away towards the TRAM.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Charming.

CLAIRE shoots at MR. X a few times, but it has LITTLE EFFECT. She then runs towards the TRAM also. MR. X gives chase. SHERRY is trying to OPEN THE TRAM DOOR.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Move! Your stupid little girl hands are useless!

SHERRY BIRKIN

They've got one use, be-atch.

She gives CLAIRE the FINGER. After struggling with the DOOR a little longer, it eventually OPENS, and SHERRY and CLAIRE dive in. As they try to SHUT IT, MR. X jams his ARM in and BLOCKS IT OPEN.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Sherry! Go start the tram!

CLAIRE shoots the ARM while SHERRY goes to the TRAM CONTROLS. After almost an ENTIRE CLIP OF BULLETS, CLAIRE gives in and just SINKS HER TEETH IN MR. X'S FINGER. He groans and pulls his HAND BACK. The TRAM starts to move. As it travels, the MUSIC gets fainter.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Ha! That showed him! West Coast for life, you know what I'm saying?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

What the fuck is wrong with you?

The TRAM descends to the UMBRELLA LAB. CLAIRE and SHERRY exit into a HUGE METAL ROOM full of NAKED, ESCAPED TEST SUBJECT ZOMBIES. CLAIRE shoots most of them, but one is getting REALLY CLOSE. SHERRY tries calling it a “COCKDRINKER,” but nothing happens. It's about to BITE when, because it's all DECOMPOSING, one of its BALLS drops off and it SLIPS ON IT like a MARBLE, and FALLS OVER like a FUCKING PENGUIN and bangs its HEAD. CLAIRE and SHERRY head into the LAB to investigate.

INT. LABORATORY - UMBRELLA FACILITY

ADA and LEON are searching for a way to activate the TRAIN used to transport UMBRELLA STAFF out of RACCOON CITY.

ADA WONG

It says here the train runs right under the streets and comes out just shy of the mountains near the highway. We can use that to escape!

LEON KENNEDY

Good. I'm supposed to be home by seven. Mom's making fish sticks.

They explore the LAB some more, killing ZOMBIES, LICKERS and THESE STUPID PLANT MONSTERS which even the PEOPLE MAKING THE GAME must have known were STUPID. They eventually find a CONSOLE WITH TWO BIG RED BUTTONS ON IT. One says “TRAIN ACTIVATION” and the other says “SELF DESTRUCT INITIATION.”

LEON KENNEDY

Oh my God, she'll be so impressed.

He calls to ADA, who is busy reloading her GUN and looking at some other COMPUTERS.

LEON KENNEDY

Guess who found the train button!

He winks, fires another PRETEND PISTOL and nonchalantly hits the TERMINAL while smiling at her.

LABORATORY PA SYSTEM

Self-destruct sequence has been activated. All employees, evacuate immediately. This facility will self-destruct in 20 minutes.

ADA WONG

What did you do?

She runs over to the CONSOLE and tries to DISABLE THE SYSTEM, but it's STUCK.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh whoops! I meant to press this one!

(hits another button)

LABORATORY PA SYSTEM

This facility will self-destruct in 18 minutes.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh. No, this one.

LABORATORY PA SYSTEM

17 minutes.

LEON KENNEDY

No, THIS one.

LABOROTORY PA SYSTEM

16 minutes.

ADA WONG

Stop!

She hits the TRAIN ACTIVATION BUTTON.

LABORATORY PA SYSTEM

Train is now activated. Please board on the bottom platform.

ADA WONG

We have to go! Now!

They run out of the ROOM and through the LAB.

INT. LARGE METALLIC ROOM - UMBRELLA FACILITY

CLAIRE and SHERRY are LOOKING AROUND when they hear the SELF-DESTRUCT ALARM BEGIN TO SOUND.

SHERRY BIRKIN

I bet that's your dickhead mate.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

We have to find a way out of here. Come on!

SHERRY stubs her CIGARETTE out on her TONGUE and FOLLOWS CLAIRE. As they near the DOOR, a LARGE OBJECT lands in front of them with a HUGE THUD. The DUST CLEARS, revealing the object to be MR. X. DMX starts BLARING IN THE BACKGROUND again.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Fuck this.

SHERRY tries to RUN, but MR. X SMACKS HER SHIT. She goes FLYING across the ROOM and in the process the LOCKET SHE WAS WEARING AROUND HER NECK goes soaring to the FLOOR. It CRACKS OPEN revealing a SAMPLE OF THE G-VIRUS hidden by WILLIAM BIRKIN in addition to a couple of Es and a JOINT SHERRY was saving for her trip to AYIA NAPA. MR. X is closing in on CLAIRE, but when he sees the SAMPLE, he turns suddenly and HEADS TOWARDS IT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Sherry! The locket! Throw it to me!

SHERRY BIRKIN

Alright, but don't drop it! That's real gold.

She HURLS IT over MR. X'S HEAD and into CLAIRE'S HANDS. He turns again to FOLLOW IT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Over here, ya dumb bald bitch!

She leads him towards a RAILING and throws the LOCKET over the side, into a POOL OF MOLTEN METAL THAT IS INEXPLICABLY JUST THERE. MR. X reaches for it, but falls over the RAILING like a CHUMP. He lands in the MOLTEN METAL and is SUBMERGED UNTIL NOTHING BUT HIS ARM, REACHING UP, IS STICKING OUT. As he descends, MR. X flips CLAIRE and SHERRY the BIRD. Somewhere in NEW YORK, JAMES CAMERON'S COPYRIGHT LAWYER (who also represents RIDLEY SCOTT and STEVEN SPIELBERG) telephones him to say he will be able to AFFORD THAT NEW WATERBED AFTER ALL.

SHERRY BIRKIN

My dad gave me that locket. You owe me 200 bucks, brownstain.

Fed up with all her SHIT, CLAIRE knocks SHERRY out with ONE MASSIVE PUNCH. She picks up her UNCONSCIOUS BODY and adds it to her BOMB ASS INVENTORY SCREEN, then heads for the ESCAPE TRAIN.

INT. LABORATORY - UMBRELLA FACILITY

LEON and ADA are headed for the TRAIN as well.

LEON KENNEDY

Can trains give you jetlag?

ADA WONG

Leon, for the last tim--

She is CUT SHORT as a GUNSHOT RINGS OUT. Standing behind LEON and ADA is ANNETTE BIRKIN. She is COVERED IN FILTH FROM THE SEWER.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Hold it right there you two!

LEON KENNEDY

Hey, I'm sorry, you can have your bullet back if you want, I was just --

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Shut up! You -- you killed my husband!

ADA WONG

What are you talking about?

LEON KENNEDY

Yeah, what are you talking about? Husband? I thought we were on.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Umbrella! Umbrella killed William! And now they've sent you to finish the job by stealing his research!

LEON KENNEDY

Woah, hang on, rewind. Does this mean I was right all along?

ADA WONG

Leon, I --

LEON KENNEDY

Because that whole “accusing you of being a secret agent” thing, that's just a chat up line I use on everyone. I say “you're a secret agent” and they're like “how can you tell?” and I'm like “because you look like you'd be good under covers.” And then we make out and it's totally hype. But you're actually a secret agent?

ADA WONG

(beat)

Yes.

LEON KENNEDY

Wow. I can't believe it! Oh hey, that means that John guy you're looking for, he's totally made up, right? So we can bang.

He turns to ANNETTE.

LEON KENNEDY

Listen, about your husband, you can totally just stay with him 'cos I'm with Ada now and she's way hotter. Plus, babe, I didn't want to say this but you really need a shower.

ANNETTE cocks her GUN.

ADA WONG

Leon. Shut. Up.

LEON KENNEDY

Ooooh I get it! Because if I keep talking, she might notice that you're slowly reaching for the other gun that you've got tucked behind your back.

ANNETTE BIRKIN

WHAT?

LEON KENNEDY

It's okay, your secret's safe with me.

ANNETTE shoots ADA, who goes TUMBLING OVER A RAILING. She manages to HOLD ON, but only barely.

LEON KENNEDY

Ada! She didn't shoot your boobs, did she?

ANNETTE BIRKIN

Now it's your turn.

LEON KENNEDY

Oh, I don't think so. Boys?

Suddenly, an ENTIRE ARMY OF PHOTOGRAPHERS, from MOJO, GQ, ESQUIRE, SMASH HITS, MEN'S HEALTH, and EVERY OTHER MAGAZINE THAT FOLLOWS AROUND LEON AND HIS AWESOME STYLE, appears and starts SNAPPING PHOTOGRAPHS. The FLASHES BLIND ANNETTE and she STAGGERS BACKWARDS over the RAILING and to her DEATH.

LEON KENNEDY

Chay seese, bitch.

LEON looks puzzled for a second, not sure if he GOT THAT RIGHT. He rushes to HELP ADA.

LEON KENNEDY

Hang in there!

ADA WONG

I'm sorry Leon. About everything. I should have told you the truth.

LEON KENNEDY

Don't die, Ada! I'm -- I'm pregnant!

ADA WONG

Get out of here, Leon. I'm sorry. Goodbye.

She LETS GO and falls a BILLION FEET into a SOLID METAL FLOOR. Her REAPPEARANCE IN RESIDENT EVIL 4 and the fact that she has gained FUCKING MATRIX POWERS will NEVER BE EXPLAINED because NOBODY PLAYING THESE GAMES REALLY GIVES THAT MUCH OF A SHIT.

LEON falls to his KNEES and holds his HEAD in his HANDS. After a few moments, he TAKES OUT HIS RADIO.

LEON KENNEDY

Claudia, it's Leon. Listen, can we go out again?

CLAIRE REDFIELD

(on the radio)

Leon! Where the hell are you? We're on the train out of here! You have to come find us!

LEON KENNEDY

But I don't know the way. I guess I should have paid more attention during training.

He fires a PRETEND PISTOL at the CAMERA. There is STATIC ON THE RADIO. SHERRY'S VOICE then comes through VERY CLEARLY.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Cut the bullshit, fuckdesk. Get down here now, or not only will I leave here without you, I'll park this train up your dad's cock.

LEON KENNEDY

Okay, mister. Whatever you say.

LEON heads through the LAB, dodging MONSTERS on the way.

LEON KENNEDY

Woah! This place is filled with Tasters!

He arrives at the ELEVATOR down to the TRAIN PLATFORM, hits the CALL BUTTON, and WAITS. Suddenly, a VAGUELY HUMANOID MONSTER wearing the tattered remains of a WHITE LAB COAT and SOME PRETTY FUCKING SICK LEVI 501s jumps down from the CEILING. He is WILLIAM BIRKIN.

LEON KENNEDY

A scientist, huh? See, this is what happens when you think too much.

BIRKIN attacks. LEON opens fire with ALL OF THE GUNS HE GOT FROM THE POLICE STATION. BIRKIN swings for him with a BIG PIPE like FUCKING HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN, but MISSES. LEON continues firing while the ELEVATOR is ticking its way up. Meanwhile, the BIRKIN CREATURE has collapsed and begins PAINFULLY TRANSFORMING. Its LEGS AND ARMS ALL SHOOT OFF and its SPINE SNAPS IN HALF LIKE A FUCKING BREADSTICK. The ELEVATOR still hasn't ARRIVED.

LEON KENNEDY

More like “ele-LATOR.”

His PRETEND PISTOL is interrupted as the BIRKIN CREATURE, now resembling SOME GIANT FUCKED UP DOG-WITH-TEETH-FOR-A-HEAD BULLSHIT, attacks. LEON ducks and dives and RETURNS FIRE. The BATTLE is still raging when the ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN.

ELEVATOR VOICE

18th floor. Monster room.

LEON continues SHOOTING as he backs towards the ELEVATOR. The BIRKIN-DOG is HURT and LIMPING by this POINT.

LEON KENNEDY

What's the matter, huh? I thought dogs liked -- uhm -- getting shot?

With one massive final effort, the CREATURE hurls itself at LEON, who catches it with a BIG SHOTGUN BLAST right in the FACE. He calmly walks into the ELEVATOR as the CREATURE crumples to the FLOOR. He hits the BUTTON.

LEON KENNEDY

Going down?

The CREATURE DROPS DEAD as the doors SLIDE SHUT. LEON smirks. The ELEVATOR continues UP because he pressed the WRONG BUTTON.

LEON KENNEDY

Ugh. Buttons are dumb.

He presses the DOWN ONE and descends to the PLATFORM as the SELF-DESTRUCT ALARM BLEATS.

INT. TRAIN STATION PLATFORM - UMBRELLA FACILITY

SHERRY and CLAIRE are standing on the EDGE OF THE TRAIN as it pulls away from the PLATFORM.

SHERRY BIRKIN

He's not coming. Stupid ballsmoker must have got himself killed.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Well, he was pretty stupid so I guess you're ri--

LEON charges HEAD FIRST through the CLOSED ELEVATOR DOORS.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Leon!

LEON KENNEDY

More for room one?

He jumps onto the MOVING TRAIN.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Hey jizzsalad, nice hair.

LEON KENNEDY

Thanks. It was my granddad's.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

This is Sherry. I'll explain later.

They all enter the CABIN OF THE TRAIN and SIT DOWN.

LEON KENNEDY

Are you okay? I'm sorry I wasn't around to protect you, babe. First day on the job, you know? Being a cop -- tough gig, babe, tough gig. You're gonna have to get used to the long hours. But just know that every night I don't come home, it's another night spent making the streets safe for our baby.

He looks at SHERRY. She looks back at him, BAFFLED. Suddenly, the TRAIN IS ROCKED VIOLENTLY. LEON looks up at a SECURITY MONITOR and sees the BIRKIN CREATURE, now transformed into a HIDEOUS GREAT BLOB, oozing its way up the REAR OF THE TRAIN.

LEON KENNEDY

Cassandra! Take Shirley to the control room and lock the door! I'll deal with this.

He pulls the SLIDE back on his GUN and it TRAPS HIS FINGER. He says OW and starts to SUCK IT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Ugh. Sherry, wait here. Leon, follow me.

LEON KENNEDY

You got it, hotness.

After they have gone, SHERRY looks up at the MONITOR and sees that the MONSTER still has WILLIAM BIRKIN'S IDENTITY BADGE hanging off it.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Dad?

The MONSTER is OOZING ITS WAY FORWARD. LEON and CLAIRE start to SHOOT IT.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

What the hell is this thing?

LEON KENNEDY

I don't know. It used to be a dog. And before that it was wearing jeans. It's weird.

They keep SHOOTING. It seems to be working until ONE OF THE CREATURE'S TENTACLES reaches out and GRABS LEON BY HIS FOOT, lifting him UPSIDE DOWN INTO THE AIR. CLAIRE keeps shooting, but is ALSO GRABBED and held UPSIDE DOWN. She drops her GUN on the FLOOR. The MONSTER lifts the two towards its MOUTH and is about to KILL THEM when SHERRY bursts through the DOOR.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Hey, dad!

The MONSTER freezes and turns its attention to SHERRY.

SHERRY BIRKIN

Smoke my fucking fat one.

She FIRES OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH CLAIRE'S GUN until the MONSTER DIES and shrinks into a TINY PILE OF GOO.

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Sherry, you saved us!

SHERRY BIRKIN

Yeah yeah, don't shit your pants about it.

(lights up a cigarette)

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Come on, we've got to steer the train.

LEON KENNEDY

Does it have a siren?

DAYLIGHT is just ahead but behind, the UMBRELLA LAB IS EXPLODING. For a second it looks as though the TRAIN IS DONE FOR, but it bullets out of the TUNNEL JUST IN TIME, into the SUNSHINE, away from RACCOON CITY. IT SLOWS DOWN. LEON, CLAIRE AND SHERRY STEP OUT. THEY ARE SAFE.

LEON KENNEDY

Hey.

CLAIRE looks up at him.

LEON KENNEDY

Thanks for helping me out back there. I know I -- just thanks.

She SMILES AND HUGS HIM. He is STUNNED.

LEON KENNEDY

Erm --

CLAIRE REDFIELD

Yes?

She looks almost HOPEFUL.

LEON KENNEDY

What do you say we ditch the kid and go get crazy?

CLAIRE pushes him away.

LEON KENNEDY

There's a little bunk bed at the back of the train. We can just throw a blanket over the monster goo.

She is walking away with SHERRY.

LEON KENNEDY

Or not? Maybe you're into that. I am if you are.

She is almost out of EARSHOT. LEON looks back at the ESCAPE TUNNEL, back at RACCOON CITY. He sees THE GHOSTS OF ANNETTE AND ADA. They are BOTH IN BIKINIS with their ARMS AROUND EACH OTHER, waving at him, smiling and blowing KISSES.

LEON KENNEDY

Heh. Chicks.

He runs after CLAIRE and SHERRY.

THE END