FADE IN:

INT. BUSINESS MEETING - ELECTRONIC ARTS

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

(lighting a cigar with a $100 bill)

Yes?

DEVELOPER DICE

I know you guys want us to make infinitely more Battlefield games. But in the meantime, how about you let us try something fresh and interesting?

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Like what?

DEVELOPER DICE

A first-person platformer focused on free running and jumping rather than gunplay.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Ha ha ha, who the fuck would want to play Xen as a full game?

(beat)

Oh wait, you're serious.

DEVELOPER DICE

Yes. We actually have most of our assets ready. All we need is a writer to loosely string them together with a story.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Alright then. But you get right back on the Battlefield when you're done! What number are we on again?

DEVELOPER DICE

2142.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Which is it, 21 or 42?

DEVELOPER DICE

No no, this one is set in the year 2142.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Oh.

FADE TO:

EXT. GENERIC CITY

After the BLOOM CLEARS, we see an UNNAMED FUTURISTIC CITY which looks like it was designed entirely by APPLE.

FAITH CONNORS (O.S.)

Boy, things sure haven't been the same since the government became totalitarian and started monitoring all electronic communications. Good thing there's runners like me hand-delivering clandestine items and messages for faceless revolutionary groups.

MERCURY contacts FAITH over a RADIO FREQUENCY which the GOVERNMENT apparently can't monitor.

MERCURY

Nice expository voice-over, Faith, but it's time to get to work. That injury you had a while back totally warrants a mandatory tutorial level.

FAITH plays tag with CELESTE, a FELLOW RUNNER.

CELESTE

Hey, Faith! What's up?

FAITH CONNORS

Your hair, obviously. Why do you look like the cheerleader skank in any given teen comedy?

CELESTE

Catch me, Faith! Tee-hee!

CELESTE trains FAITH, who then has to deliver a PACKAGE.

MERCURY

You do realise you have no idea what you're carrying, right? It could be vials of anthrax for all you know. Maybe the government has a right to be totalitarian.

FAITH CONNORS

No, I am helping freedom because an opinion said so!

A TRAINING PROMPT tells FAITH to RUN AWAY FROM HOSTILES. This informs her that there are HOSTILES up ahead, even though they're actually COPS.

FAITH CONNORS

I mean, look at these authority figures! No individuality among them, they all look the same!

MERCURY

I think that's because there's only two different character models between them.

FAITH CONNORS

No, they're all conformists!

FAITH outruns the COPS, delivers the PACKAGE and ESCAPES.

INT. GENERIC CUTSCENE

FAITH returns to MERCURY'S HIDEOUT, where she builds a HOUSE OF CARDS as a METAPHOR for the GOVERNMENT, surely.

DEVELOPER DICE

Did you notice how we rendered this beautiful and mesmerising cityscape? Well, we're going to throw it all out in favour of bland, two-dimensional cutscenes!

FAITH CONNORS

So now I lack depth in more than one way.

A POLICE SCANNER mentions a DISTRESS CALL from her SISTER, KATE.

FAITH CONNORS

I must get to her before the police does!

MERCURY

Isn't your sister a cop herself?

FAITH CONNORS

EXACTLY!

INT. GENERIC OFFICE

FAITH arrives at an OFFICE where she finds KATE all alone next to a CORPSE.

FAITH CONNORS

Whoa, the police around here must be really inept if I'm the first to actually respond to your distress call. Which I had to intercept.

KATE CONNORS

Faith, you shouldn't have come. This guy's been shot with my gun. I'm being set up!

FAITH CONNORS

Who is he?

KATE CONNORS

Don't you read the news?

FAITH CONNORS

It's not news anymore, it's advertising.

KATE CONNORS

Wow, thanks for being all supportive with that remark about media outlets being mere tools of the totalitarian government.

FAITH CONNORS

So totalitarian.

KATE CONNORS

Anyway, he's Robert Pope, the only one who could politically stand against our evil, evil mayor!

FAITH CONNORS

You have to run, Kate. Run! RUUUUUUN! WHY ARE YOU NOT RUNNING AS WE SPEAK?

KATE CONNORS

I'm not like you, Faith! The way our parents named us pretty much guaranteed we'd end up on different sides of the law!

FAITH CONNORS

Then I'll help you by running all over the place. Anything to keep from having to deliver more packages.

KATE CONNORS

Thanks, Faith. If you don't feel like doing an interior monologue, you can always talk to my superior, Lieutenant Miller. He can be trusted.

The POLICE arrives. FAITH escapes by FALLING 50 FEET THROUGH A GLASS CEILING and walking away UNHARMED.

FAITH CONNORS

Mercury, I need a plot point.

MERCURY

Our old friend Jacknife probably knows more about this.

INT. GENERIC STORM DRAIN

On her way to find JACKNIFE, FAITH enters a STORM DRAIN.

MERCURY

Careful, Faith. A sniper team has entered the storm drain, because using long-range weapons inside a sewer makes complete sense.

SNIPER

Think I can shoot that bird as it flies away right in front of you, thereby indicating both my presence and my prowess with a sniper rifle?

(he does)

Fuck yeah I can!

FAITH CONNORS

There was no need for that. Your laser sight gives away your position more than enough.

SNIPER

Yeah, we can't seem to ever turn those off.

FAITH evades the SNIPER TEAM, exits the STORM DRAIN and finds JACKNIFE on a ROOFTOP.

JACKNIFE

Hello Faitheeeeeee. I'm the smarmiest douchebag you've ever met. Every line I utter will test your resolve to not shove me off this ledge.

FAITH CONNORS

What do you know about Pope's murder?

JACKNIFE

Oh no, it's not that easy. First you have to chase me around for no particular reason. But don't worry, I'll happily wait around if you fuck up anywhere.

She DOES, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

JACKNIFE

Now I'll point you in the direction of the next arbitrary plot point. Pope's head of security was involved in his murder. He calls himself Ropeburn.

FAITH CONNORS

Rather than question where you got that information, I will blindly follow up on it. But first there's someone else I need to go talk to.

INT. GENERIC PARKING GARAGE

FAITH sneaks up on LIEUTENANT MILLER.

FAITH CONNORS

Lieutenant Miller?

LIEUTENANT MILLER

(draws sidearm)

Bwuaah! Yes, I'm in the habit of pulling my weapon when someone simply calls out my name. Shot three secretaries that way.

FAITH CONNORS

Kate said you could be trusted, even though you're a cop and I despise everything you stand for.

LIEUTENANT MILLER

Okay, I get that the government is supposed to be evil, but all we have to go on is your incessant whinging.

FAITH CONNORS

Let's keep the opinions about the government to those who are opposed to it, shall we? Will you help me by keeping your true allegiance entirely ambiguous until the very end of the game?

LIEUTENANT MILLER

Maybe I will, maybe I won't!

FAITH CONNORS

Excellent. Now could you look over at that disturbance for a second? I'd like to employ Batman's trick of simply vanishing into thin air.

(disappears)

LIEUTENANT MILLER

Holy sudden disappearance!

EXT. GENERIC OFFICE BUILDING

FAITH goes to find ROPEBURN and sees him meeting with MILLER.

FAITH CONNORS

Miller! His allegiance is so ambiguous right now!

MILLER leaves. FAITH is then attacked by ROPEBURN, who throws her off a roof FIFTEEN FUCKING TIMES before she finally manages to FIGHT HIM OFF.

FAITH CONNORS

Why did you set up Kate? Did you kill Pope? Why were you meeting with Miller? Is any of this still making sense?

ROPEBURN

Look, we're only halfway through the game, so obviously I was taking orders from someone higher up.

FAITH CONNORS

Give me a plot point, you bastard!

ROPEBURN

Fine. I'm meeting Pope's killer tomorrow, even though it makes absolutely no sense for me to do that.

ROPEBURN is then SHOT by a MYSTERIOUS SNIPER.

MERCURY

Since you've completed your objective for this level, the police has arrived to chase you. Get down into that subway station!

FAITH escapes by riding the top of a SUBWAY TRAIN. She is forced to DODGE RAILWAY SIGNALS.

FAITH CONNORS

Why does being hit by one of these signals have no more effect on me than when I stub my toe? These are the things that lobbed off Dennis Hopper's head in Speed.

The POLICE then tries to get FAITH by rerouting other SUBWAY TRAINS to CRUSH her.

FAITH CONNORS

Aha, maybe this will finally wake up these sheeple! Because if citizens won't band together over a totalitarian surveillance society, they definitely will over a single subway train that's even slightly late!

EXT. GENERIC CUTSCENE

FAITH and CELESTE are sitting right in front of MERCURY'S HIDEOUT in a CITY that's been repeatedly established as having CAMERAS EVERYWHERE.

CELESTE

You know, even though we're BFFs, I don't know anything about your past.

FAITH CONNORS

Oh right, I forgot that most of my character development has been relegated to a tie-in comic book.

CELESTE

Again? Just bottomline it for me.

FAITH CONNORS

My mom was killed during the protest riots. That left my dad bitter and resentful, so I left and met Mercury, who trained me to be a runner.

CELESTE

Wait, your response to your mother's death was abandoning your younger sister? What a dick move.

FAITH CONNORS

So I guess it's my fault for making her a constant damsel in distress. Whelp, time to go meet Pope's killer.

INT. GENERIC SHOPPING MALL

FAITH heads inside the NEW EDEN MALL, where the SAME FIVE STORES keep repeating. This indicates that THE FUTURE IS STARBUCKS.

FAITH CONNORS

I can see Pope's killer! Wait, I've reached my objective way too early --

(beat)

IT'S A TRAP!

The POLICE arrives and starts SHOOTING. FAITH runs through the MALL while an ATTACK HELICOPTER fires at her through the GLASS.

FAITH CONNORS

Whoa, isn't this a little drastic? The only way the government could be any more totalitarian now is if it started calling itself that.

HELICOPTER PILOT

Good thing the government has mandated that all streets must be empty, or I'd have to worry about raining deadly glass on pedestrians!

FAITH CONNORS

And even so, as I've repeatedly demonstrated, glass is completely harmless around here.

Eventually, FAITH escapes.

MERCURY

Maybe Jacknife can help, Faith.

FAITH CONNORS

There's no way I'm chasing that douchebag across a shitload of rooftops again. I'll just find him in a cutscene.

INT. GENERIC CUTSCENE

FAITH corners JACKNIFE.

JACKNIFE

What happened?

FAITH CONNORS

A bad case of the blues. And yes, we call them that so we can make that joke.

JACKNIFE

Out of plot points again, eh? Well, allow me to introduce the next one in a needlessly roundabout way.

JACKNIFE walks past a SIGN advertising PIRANDELLO/KRUGER, a PRIVATE MILITARY COMPANY.

FAITH CONNORS

A PMC? If any media product from the last decade can be believed, they must be horrifyingly evil.

INT. GENERIC FACILITY

FAITH enters PIRANDELLO/KRUGER and runs up to an ARMED GUARD.

GUARD

You've gotten close to me! I obviously can't shoot you in the face now, so I'll resort to hitting you with my gun.

FAITH knocks out the GUARD by PUMMELLING his BODY ARMOUR with her TINY, TINY FISTS.

FAITH CONNORS

Why is every building I enter populated only by armed guards? There's not even any maintenance workers here, even though pretty much everything is still under construction.

In the centre of the FACILITY, FAITH accesses a COMPUTER and sees LIVE VIDEO FOOTAGE of POPE'S KILLER at a SHIPYARD.

FAITH CONNORS

There he is! Wait a second, there's more than one plot point here.

MERCURY

What do you got?

FAITH CONNORS

Looks like Pirandello/Kruger was part of the plan to set up Kate! They want to discredit the police force and take over the city's security responsibilities! They're coming after us runners by training their forces to be just like us!

MERCURY

What, reckless and bordering on suicidal?

FAITH then runs into some RUNNER COPS, whom she OUTRUNS easily because all they do is DANCE AROUND LIKE IDIOTS.

FAITH CONNORS

I'm going to that shipyard. I have absolutely no reason to assume that Pope's killer will move from the spot where I just saw him.

EXT. GENERIC SHIPYARD

While waiting for the level to load, FAITH sees herself performing TOTALLY BADASS MOVES that she can't ever do.

MERCURY

You can get on the ship by sneaking into that utterly unguarded truck down there.

FAITH CONNORS

Man, for all the effort the government puts into cracking down on subversive elements, there's a frightening lack of security around here.

FAITH makes it aboard the SHIP and then has to get past UNAVOIDABLE ARMED GUARDS through TIGHT CORRIDORS, completely defeating the purpose of a FREE RUNNING GAME.

MERCURY

Find a way out of there, Faith. Reinforcements are on the way.

(beat)

Hurry, Faith! You've got incoming guards!

(beat)

GET OUT OF THERE, FAITH! THEY'RE ALMOST ON YOU!

FAITH CONNORS

I can see the way out, for fuck's sake! I just keep screwing up this one goddamn jump to get to it!

Eventually, FAITH reaches the UPPER DECK, where she finds and confronts POPE'S KILLER. It turns out to be CELESTE OMG LIKE WTF.

FAITH CONNORS

Celeste? Why did you do this?

CELESTE

I don't want to just survive, I want to live, Faith! WON'T YOU LET ME LIVE? WON'T YOU PLEASE?

A platoon of GUARDS arrives. They start SHOOTING and manage to hit ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. CELESTE escapes FOREVER.

MERCURY

Faith, your sister's been found guilty of Pope's murder. I suggest you ambush the prison convoy and break her out in order to make her seem more guilty.

INT. GENERIC CONSTRUCTION SITE

FAITH approaches a BUILDING that overlooks the CONVOY'S ROUTE.

MERCURY

Work your way to the top floor, Faith. The convoy's been instructed to wait until you're there.

She takes FUCKING FOREVER to get to the TOP FLOOR. Once there, she arms a SNIPER RIFLE.

MERCURY

Here comes the convoy now. Put a round in the van's engine block, Faith. That should crash it horribly and maximise the risk of your sister being killed.

FAITH CONNORS

Of course, because I am clearly a crack shot with a heavy sniper rifle.

FAITH snipes the VAN and it CRASHES HORRIBLY.

MERCURY

Get to her, Faith! Hurry!

FAITH CONNORS

Relax, I've got plenty of time. Remember how long it took for the police to get to Kate when she actually called them? I don't even have to worry about any bystanders, since there aren't any.

FAITH casually saunters down to STREET LEVEL while fighting ARMED GUARDS. She reaches KATE.

KATE CONNORS

Faith, why did you do all this?

FAITH CONNORS

You're my sister.

KATE CONNORS

But this got the entire police force on your back, not to mention --

FAITH CONNORS

YOU'RE MY SISTER! Now let's split up for no apparent reason.

FAITH sends KATE to MERCURY'S HIDEOUT.

INT. GENERIC CUTSCENE

When FAITH arrives, she finds MERCURY'S HIDEOUT has been DESTROYED.

FAITH CONNORS

I'm almost positive this didn't happen because I sent a recently escaped high-profile fugitive here.

MERCURY

They took Kate to the Shard, the mayor's place. Oh, and I'm dying. My facial expression is supposed to be mournful, but it's not really coming across in this art style.

FAITH CONNORS

I know, I have the same problem.

MERCURY

(dies)

FAITH CONNORS

oh no you are dead

INT. GENERIC EVIL HEADQUARTERS

FAITH enters the SHARD and is captured by LIEUTENANT MILLER and TWO GUARDS. MILLER suddenly SHOOTS THEM.

LIEUTENANT MILLER

Relax, they weren't cops, their texture job is slightly different. They're from Pirandello/Kruger.

FAITH CONNORS

Then why were they still taking orders from you? What are you even doing here? And why were you meeting with Ropeburn earlier when you knew he was the one who set up Kate?

LIEUTENANT MILLER

There's no time to explain, more guards are coming. Run, Faith!

FAITH CONNORS

We're the only ones here.

LIEUTENANT MILLER

RUUUUUN!

In the next room, there is a LATIN MOTTO everywhere, which makes the developers LOOK SMART. FAITH heads for the ROOF and finds JACKNIFE holding KATE at gunpoint.

FAITH CONNORS

Jacknife! So it was you all along!

JACKNIFE

Yes, I was randomly selected from the pool of available characters to be the traitor, bwa ha ha!

FAITH CONNORS

To be fair, there really wasn't anyone else left at this point.

JACKNIFE takes KATE onto a HELICOPTER.

JACKNIFE

You can't keep living on the edge, Faith. Sooner or later you have to jump! Preferably without kicking me out of this helicopter, though! Because that would totally suck for me!

FAITH kicks JACKNIFE out of the HELICOPTER and saves KATE.

KATE CONNORS

So now the rest of the building's security is probably converging on this rooftop. How will we get out of here?

FAITH CONNORS

Maybe if we just stand here and contemplate for a while, the screen will fade to white and our escape will be mentioned in an epilogue.

Unsatisfyingly, this HAPPENS.

THE END