Mass Effect - The Movie

I'm sorry, I take it back. You don't have a vagina on your forehead.
I'm sorry, I take it back. You don't have a vagina on your forehead.

FADE IN:

INT. BUSINESS MEETING - ELECTRONIC ARTS

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Right, Star Wars: Knights Of The Old Republic was alright, but I'd like to do something new. An original intellectual property. I'm thinking the space opera genre. You know, with a wide variety of alien races and a mystical --

(beat)

force, if you will, that only a select few can sense and manipulate.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

How utterly original. If it catches on, could you claim it was planned as a trilogy?

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Sure. We'll just work some overarching threat into the story for any sequels to deal with.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

And what about tie-in comic books, novels and mobile games?

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

We can relegate any secondary characters and plotlines to those.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

I smell franchise!

FADE TO:

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Shepard, choose your gender, first name, appearance, background, abilities, and service record.

SHEPARD

My first name too? Anything I want?

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Anything.

SHEPARD

Sweet. I shall henceforth be known as Stallion Shepard, decorated war hero!

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Oh come on.

SHEPARD

Silence! Stallion Shepard demands it!

SHEPARD walks around the SHIP, asking everybody PERSONAL QUESTIONS. He then goes into the BRIEFING ROOM where he finds NIHLUS KRYIK, whose surname sounds like AN AUSTRALIAN trying to pronounce CRAIG.

SHEPARD

Where's Captain Anderson?

NIHLUS KRYIK

He couldn't make it. His voice actor is stuck at the recording studios of Bungie. Anyways, we're headed for Eden Prime. Our objective is to retrieve a Prothean beacon. I'll also be evaluating your candidacy for the Spectres.

SHEPARD

You should've told me about this earlier! You suck!

NIHLUS KRYIK

The mission is too sensitive, Shepard.

SHEPARD

I completely understand!

(beat)

Whoa, apparently I can just switch back and forth between pompous prick and dutiful do-gooder without raising any eyebrows.

NIHLUS KRYIK

I don't have eyebrows. I emote using my mandibles, which I will demonstrate while watching this distress call from Eden Prime.

The DISTRESS CALL shows EDEN PRIME being attacked by a GIANT CUTTLEFISH.

NIHLUS KRYIK

My mandibles are tingling. We have to get down there.

SHEPARD

Wait, let me first ask you a bunch of questions about the Protheans that I logically should know the answer to already.

NIHLUS KRYIK

I realise we need to work in some exposition here, but wouldn't that undermine your character?

SHEPARD

That's why I'll phrase my questions so it'll seem like I only need a quick reminder rather than a lengthy discourse.

NIHLUS rambles off a LENGTHY DISCOURSE anyway.

EXT. OUTSKIRTS - EDEN PRIME

SHEPARD is dropped on EDEN PRIME along with PRIVATE JENKINS and KAIDAN ALENKO, whose name is just as ridiculous as that of his VOICE ACTOR, RAPHAEL SBARGE.

NIHLUS KRYIK

Even though I'm meant to assess your performance, I'll scout ahead by myself where I won't be able to see at all how you do.

SHEPARD

Right. Private Jenkins, rush forward carelessly!

PRIVATE JENKINS

Yes sir!

PRIVATE JENKINS is SHOT by FLYING ROBOTS, whose WEAPONS sound like those LASER GUNS from the TERMINATOR MOVIES.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Ripped straight through his armour. Never had a chance.

SHEPARD

What do you mean, ripped straight through his armour? Aren't our kinetic barriers specifically designed to protect us from mass accelerator weapons?

KAIDAN ALENKO

Yeah, but earlier he seemed overly eager to see combat. And his name was Jenkins, for fuck's sake. JEEEEEEENKINS!

SHEPARD

Oh well, he was obviously doomed from the start then. Let's hope someone'll come along shortly to unceremoniously take his place.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS comes running. Her ARMOUR has a DISTRACTING AMOUNT OF PINK in it.

SHEPARD

Hi there, possible love interest. I can hear death and destruction all around us, but I'm just going to take a moment and ask you some personal questions. So, how did you end up on this colony?

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Well, I was blackballed by the military and sent here to protect a bunch of farmers from what I assumed would be pretty much nothing.

SHEPARD

So you've had little combat experience? And your camouflage pattern would only be effective if this were Lollipop Fields. I see no reason why you shouldn't join our squad immediately. Welcome aboard.

Meanwhile...

EXT. SPACEPORT - EDEN PRIME

NIHLUS runs into SAREN ARTERIUS, another TURIAN SPECTRE.

NIHLUS KRYIK

Saren? What an odd coincidence which I will not find suspicious in the slightest.

SAREN ARTERIUS

Good. Say, is that a turian female I see over there? Check out the mandibles on her.

NIHLUS KRYIK

Where?

NIHLUS turns around and SAREN shoots him in the BACK.

SAREN ARTERIUS

Hah, I tricked you! There was no development time left to implement turian females.

NIHLUS KRYIK

What the hell? I've got my own character model and voice actor! I shouldn't be killed in the first mission!

(dies)

SAREN walks off as SHEPARD arrives FASHIONABLY LATE.

SHEPARD

Oh look, the geth are turning the colonists into mindless husks! Clearly, what this game needed was bum rushing zombies.

SHEPARD fights his way to the BEACON and defuses a couple of BOMBS by LOOKING AT THEM INTENTLY.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Look, the beacon is glowing. I'll just gently approach it, which is the normal thing to do when confronted with alien technology. Oh no, it's unexpectedly doing something to me!

SHEPARD hugs ASHLEY out of the way, after which the BEACON RAPES HIS BRAIN and EXPLODES.

INT. SICKBAY - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD wakes up in the NORMANDY'S SICKBAY.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

What happened?

SHEPARD

I had a horrible vision. I couldn't make sense of it. My very existence subject to the whims of countless others. Drawn out somehow.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

It's my fault. I must've triggered something.

SHEPARD

In the interest of having sex with you later on, I'm going to be nice and say that you had no way of knowing what would happen.

The NORMANDY heads for the CITADEL, the heart of the GALACTIC COMMUNITY.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

SHEPARD and his SQUADMATES are brought before the CITADEL COUNCIL.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Big place!

CITADEL COUNCIL

We see no evidence that Saren was in any way involved in the geth attack on Eden Prime. But don't take our word for it. Here's a giant hologram of him.

SAREN ARTERIUS

This is preposterous! Even though my body looks like it was pretty much designed by the geth, I refute these baseless accusations!

CITADEL COUNCIL

See? Ironclad. This meeting is adjourned.

SHEPARD meets AMBASSADOR UDINA, who is obviously A DICK.

AMBASSADOR UDINA

Hello, I'm an obnoxious bureaucrat, as you can tell from my permanent scowl. Allow me to relentlessly berate you for the utter failure on Eden Prime, even though all the bad things happened in cutscenes beyond your control. Now go find proof of Saren's involvement while simultaneously running errands for various individuals.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Big place!

SHEPARD runs around while EVERYBODY asks FAVOURS of him.

SHA'IRA

I'm a consort, but that's basically a fancy word for a really expensive hooker. So there's this turian general, right? He's like, totally into me, but I'm like, no way, and now he's saying all this stuff about me that isn't true! Could you go talk to him? To imply how I'll reward you, let me just awkwardly brush up against you.

SHEPARD goes to the GENERAL and tells him to MAN THE FUCK UP. Or TURIAN THE FUCK UP, WHATEVER.

SHA'IRA

Thank you, Shepard. I will now offer you a gift of words.

SHEPARD

Words? You really are a tease, you know.

SHA'IRA

Oh alright, if you want, you can plow me.

SHEPARD proceeds to have ELBOWY, OFF-SCREEN SEX with SHA'IRA, who is an ALIEN, by the way.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Uhh, hello? We're standing right here. Guys? At least give us a fall back order or something.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Big place!

INT. WARDS - CITADEL

After solving EVERYBODY'S PETTY PROBLEMS on the CITADEL, SHEPARD meets GARRUS VAKARIAN, a TURIAN who is also looking to implicate SAREN.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Shepard, I want to help you.

SHEPARD

Sure. I can only take two people at a time with me, though. Kaidan, take a hike.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Big place! Wait, what?

KAIDAN disappears into thin air as GARRUS joins SHEPARD's squad.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

We should also go ask this krogan Wrex to join us, because he's a lovably gruff character and his dry wit will surely liven up this otherwise drab squad. I think he's at C-Sec. The elevator is over there.

SHEPARD

An elevator? Oh boy, anybody up for a game of Monopoly?

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Dibs on the racecar!

The ELEVATOR RIDE takes long enough for SHEPARD to buy all of MAIN STREET.

INT. C-SEC - CITADEL

SHEPARD finds WREX BADASSING a few C-SEC OFFICERS into submission.

URDNOT WREX

Shepard. You're lucky you selected a background that partially endears me to you. Can I join your squad too?

SHEPARD

Depends. Are you constantly going to talk as if you have a hot potato in your mouth?

URDNOT WREX

Yeah, I don't know what my voice actor is up to. And they apparently have the flanging dial turned up to eleven.

SHEPARD

Well, you can join as long as I never have to pronounce your first name. Say, Ashley?

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Fine, I get it. But that part later on where we have sex? Yeah, totally not happening. Asshole.

SHEPARD

All because I chose to replace you with someone who is more capable, which is a sound tactic that'll increase chances of survival?

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

What? No, you had sex with that alien consort. Her head looked like a human face taped to the flying spaghetti monster. Ick.

SHEPARD is now accompanied by TWO ALIENS, which is NOT AT ALL WEIRD. Eventually, they track down ANOTHER GODDAMN ALIEN who has an AUDIO RECORDING of SAREN blatantly boasting about the EDEN PRIME ATTACK. There is also mention made of the REAPERS, which SHEPARD takes way too seriously despite knowing NOTHING about them.

CITADEL COUNCIL

This audio recording is irrefutable evidence, especially in this age of digital reproduction and manipulation. Saren's Spectre status is revoked.

SHEPARD

Now make me a Spectre and I'll go after him.

The three COUNCIL MEMBERS all push a BUTTON that says MAKE THIS GUY A SPECTRE.

CITADEL COUNCIL

There you go. Any questions?

SHEPARD

Yeah, isn't it interesting that Spectre is a nice acronym for Special Tactics and Reconnaissance when considering that the branch presumably existed long before humanity joined the Citadel and introduced the English language?

CITADEL COUNCIL

Did you seriously just broach the topic of alien races consistently speaking in pleasant North American accents?

SHEPARD

I'm so sorry. Right, off to go catch Saren.

On his way out, SHEPARD meets ADMIRAL KAHOKU, who looks a lot like GENERAL BISON.

ADMIRAL KAHOKU

Commander Shepard? I know you're real busy saving the galaxy and all, but I dropped my handkerchief somewhere on the distant planet of Agony. Could you go get it for me?

SHEPARD

What's in it for me?

ADMIRAL KAHOKU

A sense of accomplishment.

SHEPARD

I'm choosing a neutral response, which doesn't commit me to anything.

SHEPARD takes command of the NORMANDY.

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD consults the GALAXY MAP.

SHEPARD

Look at all these sidequests I can take on. They really help to drive home the impression that the main quest to track down Saren has absolutely no pressure to it, even though it's apparently called Race Against Time. I don't even want to know how much starship fuel we'd expend if I chose to complete them all.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Well, the same thing applies to the three main missions you can undertake, because you can complete them in any order with no consideration for the dire situations that set up each one. Basically, nothing happens until you get there.

With his eyes closed, SHEPARD randomly places his finger on the MAP.

SHEPARD

Looks like we're going to Feros first!

EXT. ZHU'S HOPE - FEROS

SHEPARD saves the COLONY from the GETH. The COLONISTS then all act AS ERRATIC AS POSSIBLE.

SHEPARD

Do you have any idea why the geth attacked you?

FAI DAN

Not a clue. This shithole is worthless even to us. Although it might be because of a mind-controlling sentient plant called the Thorian that lives beneath the colony.

(sudden intense pain)

Ow! I'm sorry, I meant to say that it might have something to do with whatever's going on at the shady corporation that built the colony.

SHEPARD

Rrrrrright.

SHEPARD uncovers the entrance to the THORIAN'S LAIR.

FAI DAN

Wait, don't go in yet! I first need to dramatically kill myself in front of you!

He DOES. SHEPARD moves down into the RUINS and finds the THORIAN.

THORIAN

Because I'm basically an overgrown cauliflower, let me just clone an asari to communicate with you and also kick your ass.

The THORIAN vomits a fully developed ASARI CLONE.

SHEPARD

Thanks for also cloning her a set of clothes. And a gun too, apparently.

ASARI CLONE

Groooooss! Did I just come out of that thing's mouth? Anyways, the Thorian controls everyone by releasing spores into the atmosphere.

SHEPARD

Then why have neither me nor my squad been affected after spending a considerable amount of time here?

ASARI CLONE

I think it's time for a fight now!

SHEPARD is forced to REPEATEDLY KILL the ASARI CLONE along with a fuckload of ZOMBIES THAT LOOK DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST ONES.

SHEPARD

It was mentioned earlier that the Thorian has a network of meandering tendrils that spread out over several kilometres, but I'm pretty sure shooting four of them should kill it just fine.

THORIAN

Luckily I was also dumb enough to suspend myself over a deep pit. Down I go!

(dies)

The original ASARI is EXPUNGED from a SLIMY SAC on the WALL.

ASARI

Ugh, why do I keep oozing out of things? Anyways, thank you for freeing me. I was forced to mind-meld with the Thorian to learn its secrets.

SHEPARD

Subtle. Did you want to do the Vulcan salute as well?

ASARI

The Thorian was around when the Protheans still inhabited this planet and it absorbed their knowledge and culture. I can mind-meld with you and pass it on to you, allowing you to make slightly more sense of that vision you had. Not much more though.

This HAPPENS.

INT. CARGO HOLD - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD walks around the SHIP, talking to his SQUADMATES who NEVER MOVE BETWEEN MISSIONS. WREX bemoans the GENOPHAGE which is KILLING HIS SPECIES, while ASHLEY keeps yammering about her FAMILY.

SHEPARD

Whew, that's more than enough exposition and character development for now. Let's go to Therum to find Liara T'Soni so she can help us in a very roundabout way.

EXT. DIG SITE - THERUM

SHEPARD navigates the planet surface and fights GETH ARMATURES in the MAKO, which handles as if it were made entirely out of RUBBER. A narrow ROCK FORMATION forces him to continue ON FOOT. Then a SINGLE GETH ARMATURE drops in.

SHEPARD

You know, now that we've had to abandon the Mako because of some arbitrary obstacle, the geth could really screw us by flying in a crapload more of you guys.

GETH ARMATURE

Yeah, but they're hoping one of me will be enough to frustrate you to death, since failing to kill me means you have to watch the cutscene of me dropping in over and over again.

The GETH ARMATURE start SHOOTING at them.

URDNOT WREX

Ow, I got a paper cut! I think I'll go have a lie down until the fight's over.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Good idea, I'm going to do that too.

SHEPARD kills the GETH ARMATURE all on his own.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Is it gone?

(gets up)

IT'S JUST A SCRATCH!

SHEPARD

Thank you, helpy helper!

They move into the DIG SITE and find LIARA T'SONI trapped in a field of HARRZDGNTSFGRT.

LIARA T'SONI

Help! I randomly pressed some buttons when the geth attacked and now I'm stuck here!

SHEPARD

You'd think someone who's spent her life studying Prothean technology would know better than that.

LIARA T'SONI

There's a krogan with the geth! He's been trying to find a way in here.

SHEPARD

And he didn't notice the giant mining laser which is fortuitously aimed to burn right through to the other side? The one that can be hacked by playing a quick game of Memory?

LIARA T'SONI

Have you ever heard of a krogan scientist?

URDNOT WREX

Hah, that's so true. We're idiots.

SHEPARD releases LIARA T'SONI. In the process, he causes the DIG SITE to START COLLAPSING.

LIARA T'SONI

Nice job, hero.

The KROGAN struts in, along with a few GETH.

KROGAN

Hand her over. If you don't, I'll force you to sit through an unskippable cutscene and elevator ride every time I kill you.

SHEPARD

Oh God, not again.

SHEPARD is now extremely motivated to KILL the KROGAN, going so far as to SHOOT HIS CORPSE. Then everybody ESCAPES while the CAMERA CONTROLS have an EPILEPTIC SEIZURE.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

LIARA T'SONI

Thank you for rescuing me, Commander Shepard. I've concluded from my research that the Prothean's extinction wasn't the first time a galaxy-spanning race completely died out. It seems to be a cycle that repeats itself every 50,000 years.

SHEPARD

How would you know the cycle takes 50,000 years if there's no evidence that dates back twice that far? Scratch that, how do you know it's a cycle at all? And what about humans? We began to exhibit intelligent behavioral modernity some 50,000 years ago. And since it's been implied that the Protheans influenced human evolution and culture, why are we still around? There's just so much wrong with this premise.

LIARA T'SONI

Forget I said that. How about I mind-meld with you instead so your horrific vision becomes just a tiny bit more clear?

SHEPARD

I'm good, thanks. We've just gotten word that Saren has a secret base on Virmire.

LIARA T'SONI

But what about the mission on Noveria? That's where my mother, Matriarch Benezia, is.

SHEPARD

We're still doing that, but I'm not taking you with me. Meeting your mother might turn you into more of a whiny brat than you already are. Seriously, did your character sheet have "teenage angst" highlighted?

LIARA T'SONI

Good luck trying to sleep with me now, dickhead.

SHEPARD

I'll pass. I still got blue balls from having sex with that asari consort.

LIARA T'SONI

You mean you stopped having blue balls.

SHEPARD

I know what I said. Have you noticed your skin colour lately? Well, I'm off to Noveria where I might just kill your mother. Wish me luck!

INT. RESEARCH STATION - NOVERIA

SHEPARD arrives on NOVERIA, is immediately stuck to the wall by RED TAPE and has to go through SIX DIFFERENT PEOPLE to be allowed entrance to the GARAGE, where the MAKO already sits somehow.

SHEPARD

Man, I thought Spectres couldn't be bogged down by bureaucracy and regulations. Yet I still have to do favours and complete inane tasks to get people to do the things I ask of them. Let's hope things will be better at Peak 15.

They are NOT. SHEPARD is forced to constantly run back and forth between rooms before getting inside the LABS. Once there, he encounters lots of INSECT-LIKE CREATURES.

SHEPARD

These things are called rachni? I guess we're not being subtle about ripping off Starship Troopers.

SHEPARD finds MATRIARCH BENEZIA and MATRIARCH BENEZIA'S MASSIVE CLEAVAGE tending to a RACHNI QUEEN.

MATRIARCH BENEZIA

The rachni were wiped out by the krogan long ago, but a queen egg survived in stasis.

SHEPARD

Oh, now we're ripping off Ender's Game as well.

MATRIARCH BENEZIA

The rachni queen knows where the mass relay to Ilos is, a long-forgotten Prothean world.

SHEPARD

So ultimately we're here for an ancient creature which possesses knowledge relevant to the Protheans and takes control of an asari to communicate? Isn't this exactly what we did on Feros?

MATRIARCH BENEZIA

You also fought that asari on Feros, didn't you? Let's do that again, too.

SHEPARD fights some ASARI COMMANDOS and ultimately kills MATRIARCH BENEZIA a couple of times because she KEEPS GETTING BACK UP to deliver MORE EXPOSITION.

SHEPARD

That was fun. Sort of. On to the next one.

EXT. SAREN'S BASE - VIRMIRE

The NORMANDY drops the MAKO and SHEPARD drives it through an ANKLE-DEEP RIVER to show off the game engine's WATER EFFECTS.

SHEPARD

Apparently Saren is using the base to breed an army of krogan. He's found a cure to the genophage.

URDNOT WREX

What? That means we can start breeding like rabbits again!

SHEPARD

No. We have to destroy the base. We can't even risk poking around for the cure while we're in there.

WREX goes off to SULK IN A CORNER.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

We need Wrex on the team. So go convince that savage rhino that the only means of saving his entire species needs to be destroyed.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Yeah, I've seen krogan porn on the extranet. We don't need any more of that.

SHEPARD tentatively approaches WREX.

SHEPARD

Hey, Mr. Grumpy. Remember that time I helped you find your old battle armour?

URDNOT WREX

And then you converted it into omni-gel!

SHEPARD

I did? Whoops. Guess I'll have to charm my way out of this one. Say, have your shoulder humps gotten bigger? You've been storing more fluids and nutrients, haven't you? I can tell.

URDNOT WREX

Why yes, they --

(beat)

Don't sweet-talk me!

SHEPARD

Is that a smiiiiile?

URDNOT WREX

No.

(smiling)

Yeah okay, let's go.

INT. SAREN'S BASE - VIRMIRE

SHEPARD works his way inside the BASE and finds a HOLOGRAM of the GIANT CUTTLEFISH that attacked EDEN PRIME. It turns out to be a REAPER called SOVEREIGN.

SHEPARD

So you're not a ship but an actual sentient being? Doesn't it feel totally weird to have people walking around inside of you? Hell, you've even created chairs for them.

SOVEREIGN

It just tickles a bit. So yeah, we're very much going to wipe out all of you, as we have done countless times before.

SHEPARD

Why?

SOVEREIGN

We have no fucking idea.

SHEPARD

Don't you mean our minds are too inferior to comprehend your magnificence?

SOVEREIGN

Yeah, that.

SHEPARD

Well, I'm going to stop you.

SOVEREIGN

You cannot hope to stop the cycle. Our numbers will darken the sky of every world. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.

SHEPARD

I'm going into a tunnel! Fzzzzzrt!

(cuts off Sovereign)

Nag nag nag. Let's blow this place up already.

SHEPARD has KAIDAN arm a NUKE while he goes off to assist ASHLEY. Halfway there, more GETH swarm in.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Shepard, I need your help holding off the geth!

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

No, you need to come assist us here, Shepard!

SHEPARD

I can't split up my team, so I can only save one of you! Alright, make your cases.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Fine, I'll sleep with you.

SHEPARD

A very good start. Kaidan?

KAIDAN ALENKO

Uhh -- does this game allow same-sex relationships?

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Only if it's a mono-gendered but obviously female alien. And I can only come out of the closet in the third game, sorry.

KAIDAN ALENKO

Then I got nothing.

SHEPARD saves ASHLEY. SAREN drops in for a FIGHT but it changes NOTHING WHATSOEVER. KAIDAN DIES and is remembered by a SCHMALTZY PIANO TUNE. Then the NORMANDY returns to the CITADEL for no particular reason.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

SHEPARD is once again ROYALLY SCREWED OVER by the CITADEL COUNCIL and AMBASSADOR UDINA.

AMBASSADOR UDINA

You're a loose cannon, Shepard! I've got the Council breathing down my neck! I'm locking down the Normandy!

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

I'm here! I couldn't get a message out to you to warn you about the Council.

SHEPARD

Really? Plenty of people have been sending messages to the Normandy just fine.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Yeah, but my voice actor only just got in. I'll unlock the Normandy for you. You can choose how I go about it, but it'd be nice if you picked the one where I don't get shot in the ass.

SHEPARD

Sorry, I really want to see you headbutt a turian.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON releases the NORMANDY while AMBASSADOR UDINA'S FACE remains UNPUNCHED. SHEPARD heads for ILOS.

INT. PROTHEAN BASE - ILOS

SHEPARD moves into a PROTHEAN BASE and finds a PLOT-EXPLAINING COMPUTER called VIGIL.

VIGIL

I've been monitoring your communications, which allowed me to extrapolate an understanding of the English language.

SHEPARD

I was unaware we'd used every English word in the brief exchanges you've managed to intercept.

VIGIL

Neat, huh? So the Protheans were wiped out by the Reapers, but a small group managed to hide from them here. They found a way to stop them from appearing again, but it took so long that I was forced to cut off life support to some of the less important people.

SHEPARD

I'm morally outraged by your actions, even though you're a machine and I can't fault you for taking rational and ultimately necessary decisions which were even programmed by those very people themselves.

VIGIL

Whatever. Up ahead is a way to the Citadel, which is actually a huge mass relay that can bring back the Reapers. So, y'know, you might want to go stop them. Hurry up!

SHEPARD first asks a bunch more QUESTIONS, reads the CODEX a bit, then IDLES in an ELEVATOR, and finally BOUNCES AROUND in the MAKO. He manages to travel to the CITADEL, which is being ZERG RUSHED by SOVEREIGN and GETH SHIPS.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

SHEPARD pushes through to CITADEL CONTROL where he finds SAREN.

SHEPARD

It's over, Saren.

SAREN ARTERIUS

No, Shepard. It's only just begun.

SHEPARD

Oh, you didn't just say that. Good Lord, if I caught myself using such a clichéd line, I'd just shoot myself on the spot.

SAREN ARTERIUS

You're right! Thank you, Shepard.

SAREN shoots himself in the HEAD.

SHEPARD

Did I really just talk the bad guy to death? What a novel and refreshing change.

SOVEREIGN

Oh, we can't have that!

SOVEREIGN resurrects SAREN'S CORPSE so there can still be a BOSS FIGHT.

SOVEREIGN

Now I will slowly start the process that will open the Citadel relay and allow the Reapers to annihilate every sentient being in the galaxy.

SHEPARD

Yeah well, last time you missed a small group of Protheans who managed to stop you from appearing again. And the Thorian who had the Prothean knowledge. And that rachni queen who knew where the relay to Ilos was. You guys weren't exactly thorough, were you?

SOVEREIGN

Come on, what were the odds of those three disparate entities each holding on to information that, when combined, gave you everything you needed to find and stop us?

SHEPARD

It's a stretch, I'll give you that.

SHEPARD kills the resurrected SAREN, which causes SOVEREIGN to FAINT. Despite several BATTLESHIPS firing heavy ordnance at SOVEREIGN, the puny NORMANDY delivers the KILLING SHOT.

CITADEL COUNCIL

Thank you for saving us, Shepard. We were kind of worried back there, seeing as how we've pretty much hamstrung you every step of the way.

SHEPARD

Despite obvious implications to the contrary, choosing to save you had no impact whatsoever on the fight against Sovereign. So I figured, what the hell. But the Reapers are still an overarching threat. Now I'm just going to blow you off and walk away for emphasis.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Now if you'll just move over there and stand in front of that space background with a purposeful gaze.

A CHEESY AND INAPPROPRIATE ROCK TRACK starts BLARING over the END CREDITS. Everybody UNINSTALLS the game right before learning that the SEQUEL will import SAVED GAMES.

THE END

Further reading: 

Comments

Hilarious script! Looking forward to your ME2 stuff, and I'm wondering if you would put some of the stuff you cut out as outtakes or something?

Ha, that was great. Yeah it was so awkward when that Asari hooker chick rubs up against your face. I'm all, "This is supposed to entice my character?" But I did think it was adequately explained was the Reapers returned. So they could come and see what developed over 50,000 years that they might assimilate (I know, I know, Borg) and consume? And I even just assumed that with humans being on Earth at the time, and possibly other intelligent species, that if they were not advanced enough for the Reapers to really gain anything from harvesting them, that they would spare them that particular cycle and be checking on them after another 50,000 years. Anyway, great read. Though I always played with the female Shepherd.

Overall a pretty funny description. A few bits are a bit weak, it could use some editing, but I found the vast majority of it hilarious. Also shame on you for neglecting the comedy goldmine which is the reporter falcon punch.

Hey there! Well done. A hilarious read with wonderful observations and piss-takings! I liked your MW2 script a little better, but so did I the game. ME was a little stale and repetitive for me. Too much dialogue and nowhere leading "favours". But this was a fun way of remembering it all again in a plain and unconvoluted manner. *up thumbs*

An entertaining read. I certainly admire the effort. :) You missed one of the cardinal rules for writers in the Mass Effect universe, however. That is "any character we want the player to like has to bad mouth the government at every possible opportunity." What an oh-so-subtle commentary there, BioWare. That shit got boring in a hurry, especially since there were so few in-game cases of government incompetence to justify this Don't care about my dreams? Gov't suxx! I think it just got ramped up in the sequel.

SHEPARD fights his way to the BEACON and defuses a couple of BOMBS by LOOKING AT THEM INTENTLY. LMAO.

Since I am currently playing this for the third time, just would like to add a description to a short mission which has some problems in terms of logic, but somehow I never realized this earlier: SHEPARD massacres almost A WHOLE GROUP OF BIOTIC TERRORISTS for ONE HOSTAGE, whom he rescues by convincing his captors that VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE SOLUTION. Honestly, I never realized how stupid this game can be sometimes because otherwise it'sa really great. And Stallion Shepard? Awesome. :-)

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