FADE IN:

INT. SHITTY APARTMENT - NOT NEW YORK

VITO SCALETTA leafs through a PHOTO ALBUM that causes FLASHBACKS, because DEVELOPER 2K CZECH doesn't know how to tell a STORY any other way.

VITO SCALETTA (V.O.)

My name is Vito Scaletta, which sounds like I ought to weigh about 400 pounds. The fact that I'm recalling my life in organised crime up to this point from inside a cheap, run-down apartment should be enough of an indication that the moral of this story will be the well-trodden "crime doesn't pay." Let's start with that time I underwent a tutorial level during World War II.

FADE TO:

EXT. SICILY - WORLD WAR II

VITO is part of a PARATROOPER UNIT on a mission to KILL FASCIST SCUM.

ITALIAN SOLDIER

Quattro formaggi! Gnocchi di semolino e risotto alla milanese!

VITO SCALETTA

What are they saying? I know I'm supposed to speak Italian, but my subtitles are out of sync.

PARATROOPER

They're going to kill civilians. I suggest you place your crosshair over that soldier's head and press the left mouse button.

He DOES. After fighting his way to a TOWN SQUARE, VITO is KNOCKED OUT by a TANK SHELL. An ITALIAN SOLDIER walks up to him and stops short of KILLING HIM.

DEVELOPER 2K CZECH

Now, instead of actually using this whole elaborate setup to explain why you were sent home, we're going to awkwardly end it and skip ahead two years with a single throwaway voice-over line.

VITO SCALETTA (V.O.)

A few years later, the nazis put an underwhelming and unsatisfying bullet in me.

INT. TRAIN STATION - NOT NEW YORK

VITO is sent back to the STATES. He is greeted by his CHILDHOOD FRIEND, JOE BARBARO.

JOE BARBARO

Veedough! Whaawgruughofwooah!

VITO SCALETTA

Whoa, are you chewing on a piece of chicken?

JOE BARBARO

No, I'm being voiced by Robert Costanzo, who sounds like he's constantly throwing up in his mouth. Boy, it sure has been a while since I hung you out to dry after that botched robbery and got you sent overseas to fight a war, eh?

VITO SCALETTA

You're lucky our friendship was established in a cutscene, because I can't see why anyone would otherwise want to be associated with a disgusting and immoral pig like you.

JOE BARBARO

Sorry, what? I was busy making obscene masturbation gestures at my landlady.

JOE arranges for VITO to be DISCHARGED from the ARMY.

VITO SCALETTA

And to think the war in Europe is close to an end at this point! Using implied history for ironic purposes is hilarious!

DEVELOPER 2K CZECH

It doesn't stop there! We'll also be inserting a bunch of incidental conversations and radio announcements in which upcoming technologies are written off as mere passing fancies, knowing full well they're commonplace in the future!

JOE BARBARO

Haha, recording moving images sucks, it'll never take off! Now Vito, do you want to join me and descend into a life of crime?

VITO SCALETTA

Sure thing. I'm just going to go see my family first so they can provide me with a relatable motive for that.

VITO visits his SISTER and MOTHER.

FRANCESCA SCALETTA

Oh Vito, we are so deep in debt ever since our father borrowed money from a loan shark right before dying under circumstances that won't be cleared up until your character arc needs to be redirected!

VITO SCALETTA

That'll do, I guess.

MARIA SCALETTA

And I don't want you hanging around with Joe for reasons that should be painfully obvious by now.

VITO SCALETTA

Even though you make pretty much the most amount of sense so far, I'm still going to act like a recalcitrant teenager. STOP SMOTHERING ME, MOM! JEEZ!

VITO starts sleeping over at JOE'S.

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NOT NEW YORK

JOE is entertaining TWO WOMEN DRESSED IN CORSETS.

VITO SCALETTA

Holy fuck, why does nearly every woman in this game amount to little more than a walking pair of breasts? Even if it is just a reflection of the period mindset, it's undermined by the fact that these women actually act like the objects they're considered to be. I mean, I just helped some lady with her car and she immediately implied sexual favours as a reward.

JOE BARBARO

And this sexist outlook is only worsened by having all other women depicted as helpless damsels or landladies that sound like Harvey Fierstein.

VITO SCALETTA

Or as overbearingly worrisome mothers! She wants me to get a job down at the docks, can you believe it?

JOE BARBARO

Why make a meaningful contribution to society and break your back with honest work when you can break other people's backs for your own selfish gain?

VITO SCALETTA

Let's go do that right fucking now!

EXT. CITY STREETS - NOT NEW YORK

VITO and JOE are driving over to MIKE'S JUNKYARD.

VITO SCALETTA

I notice that the optimal route to my objective is neatly pointed out to me. Doesn't that kind of discourage any form of exploration?

JOE BARBARO

That's why the first couple of objectives are spaced out really far, so you can get the lay of the land. Don't worry, I'll liven up these long drives with witty banter, starting with a collection of corny pick-up lines that would only work on the type of woman we've seen so far.

VITO SCALETTA

That almost makes me want to drive like a maniac just so you'll switch over to your "What are you doing?" lines.

JOE BARBARO

Won't work, the worst I'll do is scoff at you for running a red light. Now, let's introduce you to a bunch of gameplay mechanics that'll make this seem like an open world game, but won't ever be necessary unless they're specifically made into mission objectives.

(beat)

Like right now, so steal a car, get chased by the cops and smash it up, have it fixed at a body shop, and then store it in my garage.

After doing ALL THAT, VITO meets with MIKE BRUSKI and is asked to STEAL A CAR. AGAIN.

MIKE BRUSKI

You can crush any car you steal in the compactor for a cash reward. Another car will always spawn right beside it so you can drive off and do it again.

VITO SCALETTA

Some genuinly inspired objectives here, guys. I sure hope I won't have to murder innocent people while I'm at it.

JOE BARBARO

Oh, you only have to kill a bunch of moolies who are stereotyped even further than that ethnic slur by all wearing the same sports jacket.

VITO SCALETTA

I'll do all that, but just to placate my mother, I'm also going to look for a job.

EXT. CITY PORT - NOT NEW YORK

VITO heads for the DOCKS to look for WORK. He goes to see DEREK PAPALARDO, whose SURNAME couldn't be more appropriate.

DEREK PAPALARDO

In between smacking my food and threatening you, I will generously offer you a job moving crates.

VITO SCALETTA

Moving crates? That was such a tedious chore in the last game! Fuck that.

DEREK PAPALARDO

Wait, your association with Joe leads me to assume you wouldn't be averse to some dirty work. How about you intimidate a bunch of dock workers and muscle them for protection money they can scarcely afford?

VITO SCALETTA

Hah, to think my mom sent me over here to get an honest job.

VITO beats up some DOCK WORKERS, thereby doing the very thing that likely led to HIS FATHER'S DEMISE. He then meets up with JOE.

INT. FREDDY'S BAR - NOT NEW YORK

JOE introduces VITO to HENRY TOMASINO.

HENRY TOMASINO

I work for one of the three Dons in the city. Don't ask me which one, because frankly, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, if you want to make some money, you can steal ration stamps from the government. After that, you can rob a jewellery store with Joe, which is exactly what got you sent off to the war last time. Uhh, ignore that.

VITO SCALETTA

So working for the mafia basically comes down to petty theft over and over again.

HENRY TOMASINO

Pretty much. Every time you take a job that entails an objective of any more significance, something beyond your control will happen that'll put you right back at square one.

VITO SCALETTA

Like what?

HENRY TOMASINO

You'll find out after you kill a guy for me. I feel comfortable asking this of you, since your background as a war hero means you shouldn't have a problem, moral or otherwise.

VITO kills a GUY and is later ARRESTED and sentenced to PRISON for SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

VITO SCALETTA (V.O.)

I was ratted out by one of the gas station attendants I sold ration stamps to. I never knew which attendant it was, because they all had the same character model!

INT. PRISON - NOT NEW YORK

VITO is led into the PRISON from a FIRST-PERSON PERSPECTIVE, so he doesn't have to be ANIMATED.

DEVELOPER 2K CZECH

Because our research for this level consisted mainly of watching every prison movie ever, we've included abusive guards on a power high with some of them bought off by influential inmates, implied shower rape scenes, an emotional visitor, a chess-playing old guy who everybody leaves alone, and a shitload of fist fights.

VITO is treated like SHIT, learns that his MOTHER has DIED, and eventually falls under the protection of THE CHESS-PLAYING OLD GUY, LEO GALANTE.

LEO GALANTE

I'm the advisor to one of the two Dons you weren't working for. My jovial and agreeable demeanour surely serves as a counterpoint to the general vulgarity you've thus far been confronted with, no?

VITO SCALETTA

Yeah, and your prison cell is more akin to an expensive hotel suite. Hmm, rather than feel any sort of remorse for my actions which clearly contributed to my mother's death, I'll just assume that I approached a life of crime the wrong way and you can show me the right one.

Thanks to LEO'S INFLUENCE, VITO is released EARLY ENOUGH to make the FIFTIES contain plenty of ANACHRONISMS.

EXT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NOT NEW YORK

VITO takes up with JOE again, indicating that he is a MORON.

JOE BARBARO

While you were in prison, I played the lead role in a piece of downloadable content. As a result, I'm now working for that Don that looks like Robert De Niro, right down to his unsightly mole.

VITO SCALETTA

I'm overly eager to once again engage in criminal behaviour. Fuck you, correctional system!

JOE BARBARO

I want you to meet my new boss, Eddie Scarpa.

EDDIE SCARPA

Hey Vito! Want to get shitfaced at a brothel and call the whores cumdumpsters after being publicly serviced by them?

VITO SCALETTA

Do I ever!

JOE and EDDIE change into their DRUNK CHARACTER MODELS.

EDDIE SCARPA

We're stumbling, belching, and vomiting everywhere! That's fucking comedy gold right there!

JOE BARBARO

Let's use Vito's unwillingness to partake in our debauchery as a pretext to make jokes about him getting assraped in prison, even though that actually almost happened to him!

When driving home, VITO discovers that EDDIE has a TWO DAY-OLD CORPSE in the trunk of his CAR that has only just now begun to SMELL.

EDDIE SCARPA

Oh yeah, that guy was an informant. But judging by my personality, I probably would've just as easily killed him if he had corrected my grammar.

VITO BURIES the CORPSE while JOE and EDDIE stagger comically.

VITO SCALETTA

Doing other people's dirty work can't get more literal than this. How fitting.

EDDIE SCARPA

Exactly how is none of this turning you off to the kind of life that's already cost you dearly?

VITO SCALETTA

I guess I'm a total pushover.

EDDIE SCARPA

In that case, I'm going to totally forget you helping me out here and snap at you if you fuck up the next job I give you. Also,

(vomits)

EXT. CITY STREETS - NOT NEW YORK

VITO wakes up to his PHONE RINGING.

VITO SCALETTA

Why do you insist on calling me up every fucking morning?

JOE BARBARO

Hey, you're lucky cell phones haven't been invented yet, or I'd be incessantly calling you to go bowling or something. Eddie wants us to illegally sell cartons of cigarettes.

VITO SCALETTA

Oh come on, we're halfway through the game and still I'm being forced to run low-level errands that are basically the equivalent of moving crates! Colour-coded crates this time, but crates nonetheless.

The CIGARETTES are then DESTROYED by a PLOT CONTRIVANCE.

JOE BARBARO

Fine, let's begin a cycle of revenge that will escalate way beyond this trivial feud and ultimately culminate in all the Dons gunning for each other. That way, everything can be blamed on you in the end.

VITO and JOE are ordered to kill whichever DON they used to work for. JOE brings along MARTY SANTORELLI.

MARTY SANTORELLI

I'm young, annoyingly overzealous, and eager to follow in Joe's footsteps! Fuck, I shouldn't even bother developing this character beyond the first impression I give off, right?

JOE BARBARO

Nope, you're only here so your death can momentarily give my character depth.

MARTY predictably DIES which allows JOE to RAGEKILL the DON and then feel CONFLICTED.

JOE BARBARO

I'm so conflicted. I think I'll tragically kill a bartender in a drunken stupor and then revert back to the two-dimensional dope I am.

EXT. VITO'S HOUSE - NOT NEW YORK

VITO is visited by HENRY.

HENRY TOMASINO

Vito, it's been a while. Let's go for a drive and have a philosophical talk about the nature of what we do. Speaking of which, can I come work with you?

VITO SCALETTA

Okay, I'll introduce you to Eddie, but you'll probably have to work your way up again by performing all kinds of dull, meaningless tasks.

HENRY meets with EDDIE and is immediately given the HIGH-PROFILE JOB of KILLING LEO GALANTE.

VITO SCALETTA

No fair!

(beat)

Wait, killing Leo? Am I morally conflicted about that?

A MISSION OBJECTIVE prompts VITO to WARN LEO.

VITO SCALETTA

Guess I am.

VITO intercepts HENRY and allows LEO to FLEE.

VITO SCALETTA

Surely no harm can come of making people disappear instead of killing them if the previous game is anything to go by.

EXT. VITO'S HOUSE - NOT NEW YORK

When returning HOME, VITO finds his SISTER sitting on his FRONT PORCH.

FRANCESCA SCALETTA

Oh Vito, I just found out my husband is cheating on me because there's no character model of me in a corset!

VITO SCALETTA

I will solve this problem the only way I know how. With VIOLENCE!

VITO goes to see his BROTHER-IN-LAW and BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

VITO SCALETTA

Everything's alright now. I threatened your husband into maintaining a sham of a marriage that's based only on fear. And if he ever hurts you again, I will hunt him down and kick his ass!

FRANCESCA SCALETTA

Did you just use one of the worst Friends quotes? Get out of my life, Vito! Boo hoo!

VITO SCALETTA

Hmm, with my mother dead and my sister wanting nothing more to do with me, I have no relatable motivation left. I guess I'll just resort to blatant materialism. I NEED MORE STUFF!

DEVELOPER 2K CZECH

In that case we're going to reset your progress again by digging up a random plot thread from six missions ago.

A group of IRISHMEN set VITO'S HOUSE on FIRE because he killed one of their own while in PRISON.

INT. JOE'S APARTMENT - NOT NEW YORK

VITO goes to JOE for HELP. His APARTMENT now looks like AN AUSTIN POWERS FEVER DREAM.

VITO SCALETTA

Joe, I need your help and holy fuck, what happened to your apartment?

JOE BARBARO

Constantly poking fun at my general idiocy apparently wasn't enough for the developers, now they have to give me poor taste as well. Anyways, what's up?

VITO SCALETTA

My house was just burned down by a bunch of Irishmen.

JOE BARBARO

A bunch of what?

VITO SCALETTA

Oh sorry, micks.

JOE BARBARO

LET'S GO FUCKING KILL THEM ALL!

That HAPPENS.

VITO SCALETTA

Great, I'm once again left with nothing, which was neatly illustrated by having me running down the street in my underwear. Even my money's gone, since I apparently didn't think to put any of it in the bank.

HENRY TOMASINO

I warned you about what happens after taking jobs that are anything more than petty theft. Now, would you and Joe like to come in on a massive drug deal that I'm setting up outside of Eddie's knowledge?

VITO SCALETTA

Striking out on our own doesn't seem like a good idea, considering it's what caused all the trouble at the end of the previous game.

HENRY TOMASINO

Don't be such a pussy, Vito. Working for Eddie will either earn us money piecemeal or get us killed. I know I came to you begging for exactly that kind of job, but I'm a walking contradiction, so there.

VITO SCALETTA

I will display a modicum of reluctance but quickly cave in to peer pressure.

HENRY TOMASINO

Good. To front the money for this deal, we'll need to go see Bruno, a loan shark who is also a Jew -- I mean, a Yid.

VITO SCALETTA

Because they're good with numbers, right? You know, the only thing worse than everyone's constant racism is the fact that all minorities in this game insultingly conform to the limitations of their respective stereotypes.

HENRY TOMASINO

We'll be able to test that theory soon enough, since the drugs are being supplied by the Chinese -- I mean, the chinks.

VITO, JOE, and HENRY go see MR. WONG.

MR. WONG

(courteous bow)

Eet ees preasure doing business weet you. Chop suey!

(courteous bow)

VITO SCALETTA

Oh, you're not even trying.

HENRY TOMASINO

Now we just have to distribute the drugs to the buyers, who are all black -- I mean, moolies.

VITO SCALETTA

And now you've included every single minority in your drug deal. That's like a blanket stereotype, right? Now I sense yet another tedious set of errands coming up.

AN EIGHTIES MONTAGE takes care of it instead. Everything goes SMOOTHLY, but then everything gets ROYALLY FUCKED UP when HENRY is killed by the CHINKS.

EXT. CHINATOWN - NOT NEW YORK

VITO and JOE go after WONG, who heads into his RESTAURANT.

JOE BARBARO

Even though Wong clearly saw us taking out the guys that killed Henry, he somehow has no idea that we followed him. Do you want to visit a gun shop before we go in?

VITO SCALETTA

No need, I'm still packing an entire arsenal from every mission before this one.

They enter the RESTAURANT, KILL FUCKING EVERYONE, and CONFRONT WONG.

VITO SCALETTA

Why did you have Henry killed?

MR. WONG

That gwai lo was informant! He dishonour our famiry!

JOE BARBARO

Are you going to substantiate that claim in any way, or just leave it hanging in the air?

MR. WONG

Go eat dog!

JOE shoots WONG.

VITO SCALETTA

And once again I'm in a situation where I don't have the money to pay off a large debt. Did the developers just write one setup and then repeatedly copy it to fill out an entire script?

JOE BARBARO

Maybe we can still get a job from Eddie, even though we've been openly working behind his back and he has just expressed his discontent about that.

EXT. ENDING FROM MAFIA

EDDIE SCARPA

Okay guys, here's a copy of the previous game's script. You're gonna act out the last two pages. Joe, you're thug_01 and Vito is thug_02.

VITO and JOE walk up to TOMMY ANGELO.

VITO SCALETTA

Mr. Angelo? I got a question for you.

JOE BARBARO

(whispers)

Psst, your line is "Mr. Salieri sends his regards."

VITO SCALETTA

This'll only take a second. Mr. Angelo, have you noticed that, despite your background as a taxi driver, you got into a shitload of shootouts, whereas my background as a war hero has ironically resulted in me driving around for most of the time?

TOMMY ANGELO

Uhh -- yes?

JOE shoots TOMMY with a DIFFERENT TYPE OF SHOTGUN, inciting RAGE from MAFIA FANBOYS.

TOMMY ANGELO

You know, the world isn't run by the laws written on paper. It's run by people. Some according to laws, others not. It depends on each individual how his world will --

(trails off)

VITO SCALETTA

Whoa, why is he still talking?

Then the COPS arrive.

JOE BARBARO

Oh no, to needlessly pad this emotional scene, they've included a frantic chase right after it!

VITO fools the COPS by walking into a CLOTHES STORE and changing into the EXACT SAME ATTIRE.

EXT. SHITTY APARTMENT - NOT NEW YORK

VITO SCALETTA

Ah, the story has caught up to my voice-over narration. I'm curious to see if the final mission will lend some direction and purpose to what has as yet been a jumbled collection of archetypical mafia scenes.

VITO is pulled into a CAR in which LEO and SOME CHINESE GUY are sitting.

LEO GALANTE

Vito, I'm back and pissed off! As promised, we're blaming everything on you. If you kill Robert De Niro Don, we won't kill you.

(beat)

What, are you waiting for the chink to provide any more closure? That's all. Now get out.

VITO is left on the SIDEWALK. The POLICE catch him trying to STEAL A CAR, but he PAYS THE FINE and then DRIVES OFF in it anyways.

INT. OBSERVATORY - NOT NEW YORK

After shooting his way into the OBSERVATORY, VITO finds ROBERT DE NIRO DON, who orders JOE to KILL him.

JOE BARBARO

I am doublecrossing you, Vito!

VITO SCALETTA

Oh, would you stop trying to give your character depth? It took Marty dying just to briefly give you a tiny bit, and Henry tried by being an informant maybe, which got him killed. The shallower your character, the more likely you are to survive. Now look at me, no discernible personality whatsoever. I'm just a hollow shell who does as he's told.

JOE BARBARO

Then let's kill this guy together.

VITO SCALETTA

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA LET'S DO THAT!

VITO and JOE kill the DON. When they head outside, they are met by LEO.

LEO GALANTE

Nice job, fellas. Joe, why don't you get in the car that will ambiguously drive off in a different direction? Vito, you come with me to end the game.

VITO SCALETTA

Wait, that's it? Christ, it's like it was suddenly 5 PM on the last day of development and everybody just got up and left.

VITO has a BIG POUT before the CREDITS ROLL. EVERYONE desperately waits past them to see if there is still an EPILOGUE.

MAIN MENU

Hah, it's me again! Suck it!

THE END