Half-Life - The Movie

No, keep watching. It gets funny in a minute, I swear.

FADE IN:

INT. LARGE SCHOOL HALL - SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA

We see a SIGN that reads “DEBATING SOCIETY – FINALS.” CROWDS are gathered and CHILDREN are stood AWKWARDLY ON STAGE. One of them walks to the PODIUM and the ANNOUNCER calls his NAME.

ANNOUNCER

Gordon Freeman!

GORDON, aged SEVEN and wearing THICK-RIMMED GLASSES, opens his MOUTH to speak. Suddenly, an ENORMOUS BANG is heard from the BACK OF THE ROOM. The CROWD SCREAMS as the ENTIRE ROOF OF THE HALL starts to CAVE IN. GORDON looks to his RIGHT and sees the STAGE COLLAPSING TOO, swallowing ALL THE CHILDREN. THE WHOLE BUILDING IS COMING DOWN.

TEACHER (O.S.)

Look out!

GORDON looks up to see a LARGE CHUNK OF THE CEILING FALLING TOWARDS HIM. THE TEACHER dives into GORDON and PUSHES HIM OUT OF THE WAY. The CHUNK OF RUBBLE AND WOOD smash into the TEACHER, KILLING HIM INSTANTLY. GORDON is AGHAST as we --

CUT TO:

INT. TRAM - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON, now aged TWENTY-SEVEN, awakes suddenly from his NIGHTMARE. He sports the uniform of a RESEARCH SCIENTIST and a GOATEE, which makes him look like YOUR STEPDAD. As the TRAM slowly moves through the FACILITY and carries GORDON to work, an AUTOMATED VOICE relays NEWS AND INFORMATION.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Good morning, and welcome to the Black Mesa transit system. The time is 8:47 AM. Current topside temperature is 93 degrees, with an estimated high of 105. Number of people playing this game who are confused about the fact they're not already shooting a gun is 423,908. This train is inbound from Level 3 Dormitories to Sector C Test Labs and Control Facilities.

GORDON stretches out and STANDS UP. From the windows of the TRAM he can see SCIENTISTS moving back and forth in various sections of the BASE, huge military ROBOTS carrying chunks of METAL, and an enormous vat of TOXIC-LOOKING GREEN SLUDGE.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Employees are reminded that entries for the “Black Mesa Office Hunk of the Month” competition are required before Friday, May 23rd. Employees are reminded that full frontal nudity is not permitted when submitting your entry to the “Black Mesa Office Hunk of the Month” competition.

GORDON suddenly looks OUTRAGED. He HUFFS.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Please keep your limbs inside the tram at all times. Please do not smoke inside the tram. Please do not get drunk with some tart from Accounting and bang her inside the tram. On your wife’s birthday!

The AUTOMATED VOICE is suddenly ANGRY and loses its ROBOTIC TONE. GORDON looks at the TRAM SPEAKER confused and suddenly leaps up off the SEAT, looking DISGUSTED.

The TRAM briefly STOPS. Out of a WINDOW to his left, GORDON sees an ODD-LOOKING MAN IN A SUIT, travelling on a TRAM going in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION. The MAN stares straight at GORDON, points a PRETEND PISTOL his way and WINKS. GORDON waves and smiles politely. The TRAMS move off again. The AUTOMATED VOICE resumes its ROBOTIC RHYTHM.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Employees are reminded that chief physicist Dr. Leonard Jackson would like to give a big shoutout to the entire Satellite Weapons Research Division massive. This one is for all the boys in Test Lab Omicron.

The SPEAKERS in the TRAM start to play “POISON” by BELL BIV DEVOE. The TRAM continues its journey before finally SLOWING DOWN.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Now arriving at Sector C Test Labs and Anomalous Materials Laboratory. From the entire team at Black Mesa, we hope you have a safe, productive, not at all eventful or terrifying day.

GORDON steps off the TRAM, onto a METAL PLATFORM.

INT. ANOMALOUS MATERIALS LAB - BLACK MESA FACILITY

A SECURITY GUARD approaches GORDON and greets him.

SECURITY GUARD

Morning, Mr. Freeman. How you doing?

GORDON FREEMAN

...

SECURITY GUARD

Tell me about it. Hey, you catch the game last night?

GORDON FREEMAN

...

SECURITY GUARD

You think? I think they could have used Robinson up front, to be honest.

GORDON FREEMAN

...

SECURITY GUARD

Well, when you put it that way, I guess --

GORDON FREEMAN

...

SECURITY GUARD

Yeah, absolutely. Listen, me and Marie -- things aren't great at the moment. We've been married a year now and I guess it's only natural to start having second thoughts, but it's just like the spark's gone all of a sudden, you know? I think I need to do something big to put the fire back into it. But it's so hard.

GORDON FREEMAN

...

SECURITY GUARD

Jeez Gordon, you're right. I'll do that. I'll do that tonight! You're the best, man. Have a good day. And be careful in the test chamber, won't ya? They're still picking chunks of lab rat out of the air vents. Give me a call later on. See ya.

GORDON walks through a LARGE BULKHEAD DOOR into the MAIN LOBBY OF BLACK MESA. SCIENTISTS come and go, and a SECURITY GUARD is trying to restart a COMPUTER.

SECURITY GUARD

What's the password again?

SCIENTIST

I told you, it's my favourite actor's name.

SECURITY GUARD

I tried Nicknolte, but it doesn't work.

SCIENTIST

Oh, sorry, I changed it after The Thin Red Line. Here, Dennisquaid69. There we go.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Sprinkler system, emergency escape hatches, and staff room Big Mouth Billy Bass now active.

GORDON makes his way through the corridors of BLACK MESA, stopping occasionally to not talk to some SCIENTISTS. He enters the CHANGING ROOM and sees TWO SCIENTISTS teasing A THIRD.

SCIENTIST #1

What's the matter? Don't you know Hubble's Law of cosmic expansion?

SCIENTIST #2

He doesn't.

SCIENTIST #3

I do too!

SCIENTIST #1

Prove it.

SCIENTIST #3

A -- a -- a line connecting a planet to the sun covers an equal area over equal periods of time.

SCIENTIST #1

That's Kepler's Law of planetary motion, dumbass.

SCIENTIST #2

Yoink!

He pulls off SCIENTIST #3'S CLIP-ON BOW TIE.

SCIENTIST #2

Keep away!

SCIENTIST #1 and SCIENTIST #2 throw the BOW TIE back and forth while SCIENTIST #3 pathetically tries to INTERCEPT IT. They are all SIXTY YEARS OLD. Eventually, a SECURITY GUARD walks in.

SECURITY GUARD

Hey! Dr. Franklin, Chief Professor of Astro Dynamics Professor Russell, I've told you two before!

SCIENTIST #1

But we weren't --

SECURITY GUARD

I don't want to hear it. Now, give Dr. Henderson back his bow tie and get out of here.

SCIENTIST #3 grabs his BOW TIE out of their hands and PUTS IT BACK ON. The other two WALK OUT SILENTLY. SCIENTIST #2 turns around and mimes a CUTTHROAT MOTION at SCIENTIST #3.

SECURITY GUARD

I saw that!

GORDON opens his LOCKER. Inside are a SAXOPHONE and SEVERAL BOOKS: COPING WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM, THE ART OF WAR, and SIGN LANGUAGE FOR DUMMIES. On the inside door is a picture of BUSTER KEATON. GORDON changes out of his CLOTHES and hangs them up in the LOCKER. He walks into the back of the ROOM.

In front of him are THREE MAN-SIZED GLASS TUBES. Two are empty. The one in the middle contains his H.E.V. SUIT, a big, orange, metal ONESIE that can DEFLECT BULLETS, ADMINISTER THE USER WITH MEDICINE WHEN IT AUTOMATICALLY DETECTS WOUNDS and STORE 40,000 SONGS.

GORDON covers himself in VASELINE and SLIDES INTO THE SUIT. He climbs up the STAIRS out of the LOCKER ROOM, clattering along like THE FUCKING TIN MAN FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ. As he walks, a different AUTOMATED VOICE STARTS TO SPEAK via the suit's EARPIECE.

H.E.V. SUIT

Bonjour! Et bienvenue au costume armurié pour des environnements dangereux. Je m’appelle Pierre et je serai votre --

GORDON bangs on the SUIT with his HAND. The VOICE changes to a FEMALE ONE, who will henceforth be referred to as DAPHNE.

DAPHNE

Hello! And welcome to the hazardous environment protection suit. My name is Daphne and I will be your instructor and guide. Please select method for user input.

He looks at a DEVICE on the suit's WRIST. It has three options: SPEECH, THOUGHT RECOGNITION and INTERPRETIVE DANCE. GORDON selects THOUGHT RECOGNITION.

DAPHNE

Because you are a weird mute with no discernible personality, you have selected thought recognition. Thank you. You are now able to communicate with me via your mind.

GORDON walks on through the LAB towards the TEST CHAMBER.

DAPHNE

So, you're twenty-seven, a theoretical physicist, and you wear glasses. Is this the first time you've been inside a woman?

GORDON FREEMAN

(scowls)

DAPHNE

Relax, I'm only joking. We're gonna have so much fun!

EXT. TEST CHAMBER - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON meets with TWO SCIENTISTS who are explaining TODAY'S EXPERIMENT.

SCIENTIST #1

Good morning, Gordon. As you know, today's sample has been sent straight from the top. Our tests show that it has a high level of molecular activity. By subjecting it to high density neodymium solid state lasers, we hope to confirm whether or not this activity is biological or merely residual sedimentary chemical behaviour.

SCIENTIST #2

Normally these lasers operate at 1.047 or 1.053 micrometres, but we've built a combined ray, pumped by solar radiation, which could push that to 1.064. Chemical tests show that the sample is largely comprised of berkelium, actinium and thorium, but what's really got us excited is the high carbon content. If our hypotheses are correct, this --

As the SCIENTISTS continue TALKING, we see GORDON'S FACE, completely glazed over, staring into NOTHING. In his head, we hear the theme music from “LOIS AND CLARK: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN.”

SCIENTIST #1

-- aliens. Now have you got all that, Gordon?

GORDON shakes out of his reverie and NODS. He climbs into the TEST CHAMBER.

INT. TEST CHAMBER - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON looks around, PERPLEXED.

DAPHNE

Were you listening to any of that? I gotta be honest bro, I totally tuned out.

The SCIENTISTS start to speak over a PA SYSTEM.

SCIENTIST #1

Okay Gordon, the test sample should be arriving any second. Just follow the procedures we outlined and everything should be fine. Ah, here's the sample now.

A METAL TROLLEY containing a STRANGE-LOOKING CRYSTAL emerges from an ELEVATOR in the centre of the CHAMBER. When GORDON collects the CRYSTAL, a huge GREEN LASER BEAM flares on.

SCIENTIST #1

Excellent. Everything's looking fine at this end. Just go ahead now, Gordon.

DAPHNE

Are you sure you wanna do this? Maybe you should ask for help.

GORDON FREEMAN

(frowns)

DAPHNE

Never mind.

GORDON walks towards the LASER, holding the CRYSTAL. After looking around the ROOM and up to the SCIENTIST'S CONTROL BOOTH, he thinks briefly and then TOSSES THE CRYSTAL INTO THE LASER BEAM.

SCIENTIST #1

Gordon! What the hell are you --

SCIENTIST #2

I can't -- I can't shut it down!

SCIENTIST #1

Gordon! Get away from the bea--

The entire TEST CHAMBER starts to EXPLODE AND COLLAPSE. The CONTROL BOOTH is struck by the LASER BEAM, as it flails wildly, and BLOWS UP. The SCIENTISTS scream and DIE. GORDON, now 98 percent sure that he WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, runs around trying to find an EXIT. More EXPLOSIONS. CONCRETE falls from the CEILING. Just as GORDON runs for the EMERGENCY EXIT, a LASER STRIKES HIM FROM BEHIND.

In a GREEN FLASH, GORDON is transported to an ALTERNATE DIMENSION. It is completely BLACK. Another GREEN FLASH, and he is SUDDENLY SURROUNDED BY ALIENS. They are TALL, GREEN, RED, talking to each other in an IMPOSSIBLE LANGUAGE. After a few seconds, ANOTHER FLASH, and GORDON is standing on an ALIEN PLANET surrounded by BIZARRE PLANT LIFE. He looks around and sees the MAN IN THE SHIRT AND TIE FROM THE TRAM, flipping him the DOUBLE BIRD.

ANOTHER FLASH. GORDON is back in the BLACK ROOM, only this time surrounded by CHELL FROM PORTAL, the WANDERER FROM FALLOUT, CORVO ATTANO FROM DISHONORED and BASICALLY ALL THE PLAYER CHARACTERS FROM CALL OF DUTY and BATTLEFIELD. Everyone looks at one another, but NO ONE SAYS A WORD. They all SHRUG.

ANOTHER GREEN FLASH and we --

CUT TO:

INT. ZOO - SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA

We see a YOUNG GORDON, this time around FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, on a SCHOOL TRIP TO THE ZOO. Stood amongst a group of CLASSMATES, he is in a DARKENED ROOM, surrounded by GLASS CASES FULL OF HIBERNATING BATS. The ZOOKEEPER is giving a TALK. He whispers it in an AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.

ZOOKEEPER

These bats are one of the most endangered species in the world. In fact, the 47 bats that you see in the cases here are the only ones still alive, so we have to be very careful about how we take care of them. Right now, they're in hibernation. If they're disturbed, due to their very delicate biological rhythms, they could die.

GORDON peers into one of the CASES, smiling, fascinated.

ZOOKEEPER

We're going to move on now, but does anybody have a question?

GORDON raises his HAND.

ZOOKEEPER

Yes, young man at the back.

Just as he is about to SPEAK, GORDON unexpectedly SNEEZES LOUDLY. The bats WAKE UP AND GO INSANE, SCREECHING AND BANGING AGAINST THE GLASS. Some of them BREAK THROUGH AND START ATTACKING THE STUDENTS AND TEACHERS. The zookeeper has THREE ATTACHED TO HIS FACE, BITING HIM. GORDON stands still, AGHAST, as people WRITHE ON THE FLOOR, grabbing the BATS, PUNCHING and STAMPING ON THEM. The sound of everyone SCREAMING increases. ONE FINAL GREEN FLASH.

CUT TO:

INT. TEST CHAMBER - BLACK MESA FACILITY

The room is TOTALLY DESTROYED. Alarms are WAILING. It is clear that BLACK MESA has failed to CHECK ITSELF and has therefore WRECKED ITSELF. GORDON is groggy, lying on the FLOOR.

DAPHNE

Gordon! Gordon, wake up! I've got some bad news. You throw like a total bitch.

(laughs)

No, for real though, you threw that crystal into the laser and now this whole place is falling apart faster than your parent's marriage after you were born. You need to move.

GORDON extends his hand and grabs onto something. It is a RED CROWBAR. Using it, he hoists himself to his FEET.

DAPHNE

Hey, that could be useful.

He SWINGS it a few times.

DAPHNE

You look pretty good with that thing. God, imagine if that became some sort of trademark. You know Gordon? Fella with the crowbar. And the glasses and the beard. Oh yeah. Imagine if that's the only way people knew to describe you. Imagine what an empty, boring, fucking useless nothing of a person you'd have to be for people to describe you like that.

GORDON uses the CROWBAR to smash a GLASS PANEL in the TEST CHAMBER DOOR. He crawls through it.

INT. ANOMALOUS MATERIALS LAB - BLACK MESA FACILITY

Yep, it's a WRITE-OFF. DEAD BODIES. FURNITURE all to fuck. LASERS coming out the WALLS. GORDON steps through the DEBRIS looking both nervous and sheepish.

DAPHNE

I know what you're thinking and yes, this is all your fault.

GORDON takes extra care to avoid the LASER BEAMS which have broken loose from the CANISTERS IN WHICH LASER BEAMS ARE KEPT (?). After easing along the edge of a CORRIDOR, one LASER glances over the chest plate of his SUIT.

DAPHNE

Ow!

GORDON looks down. The LASER has cut a PERFECT CIRCLE AROUND HIS LEFT NIPPLE. For the rest of his adventure, he has to walk around with his LEFT NIPPLE and ONLY HIS LEFT NIPPLE POKING OUT OF THE SUIT like some FUCKED-UP PEEP SHOW FETISHWEAR SCIENTIST ROLEPLAY THING.

Suddenly, GORDON is attacked by a BUFF-COLOURED, SLIMY, SPIDERCRAB-LOOKING THING that is TRYING TO ATTACH ITSELF TO HIS FACE and is DEFINITELY NOT CONNECTED IN ANY WAY TO THE MOVIE ALIEN. As GORDON swings his crowbar frantically at the FACEHU-- I MEAN, HEADCRAB, DAPHNE chimes in.

DAPHNE

Man, you know what was a great horror movie about extraterrestrials? Signs.

GORDON manages to land a BIG BLOW on the HEADFACECRABHUGGER and it rolls over. ASH and PARKER run into the -- no sorry. GORDON bends down to EXAMINE IT. He prods it with his CROWBAR, and it lets out a noise like “UUUUR CHRIST” and DIES.

GORDON stands back up and narrowly avoids an ATTACK FROM ANOTHER MONSTER, this time a HUMANOID CREATURE WEARING A LABCOAT, except one of the HEADHUGGERFACECRABS IS CRABHUGGING ITS HEADFACE, and it has HUGE CLAWS and an EXPOSED CHEST CAVITY.

DAPHNE

The Thing, that's another good film. Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Dawn of the Dead. The list goes on.

GORDON swings abortively at the CREATURE but fails to stop it. It SWINGS its claws at him and SCRAPES ACROSS THE ARMOUR ON HIS CHEST, catching him RIGHT ON HIS EXPOSED LITTLE NIPPLE. Cornered by the creature, GORDON suddenly has an idea.

Instead of tapping LEFT CLICK to swing the CROWBAR, he can simply HOLD IT DOWN and in doing so SWING THE CROWBAR OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN AT THE SPEED OF FUCKING LIGHT. The ZOMBIE is soon reduced to a scattered collection of IMPRESSIVELY MODELLED FOR THE TIME GUTS AND BONES.

Using his newfound CROWBAR-SWINGING ABILITY and his RIDICULOUSLY HIGH RUNNING SPEED, which makes everything he does look like SOME KIND OF HORROR/SCI-FI BENNY HILL, GORDON backtracks through BLACK MESA.

The building is DESTROYED, scientists and security guards lay DEAD. The BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS has fallen off the staff room wall. For a while, it seems like everything GORDON touches either blows up, kills someone or BLOWS UP AND KILLS SOMEONE. He attempts to use the ELEVATOR and it SUDDENLY DROPS DOWN THE SHAFT, with THREE PEOPLE INSIDE.

DAPHNE

Everyone makes mistakes.

He SEES A SCIENTIST hanging from a LEDGE and tries to GRAB HIM, but his weight makes the WHOLE WALKWAY COLLAPSE.

DAPHNE

Everyone -- err -- makes mistakes.

He walks into a ROOM FULL OF COMPUTER SERVERS and they INSTANTLY ALL EXPLODE and FALL ON TWO SCIENTISTS, CRUSHING THEM.

DAPHNE

Are you Death? Are you actually Death?

After accidentally killing a SECURITY GUARD by WALKING WITHIN THREE FEET OF HIM and thereby triggering a VENDING MACHINE to catch fire so it spits out CANS OF DRINK AT RANDOM, one of which CONKS THE GUARD ON THE HEAD like something from FINAL FUCKING DESTINATION, GORDON and his ridiculous BAD LUCK collect a HANDGUN.

And just for GOOD MEASURE, it accidentally goes off and KILLS ANOTHER SCIENTIST.

INT. INDUSTRIAL AREA - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON is peering over the edge of an OUTCROPPING in an ENORMOUS ROOM shaped like a RECTANGLE STOOD ON ITS END. He cannot see the FLOOR. From the ceiling, several CRATES are dangling by WIRES. It is clear that GORDON can jump from CRATE TO CRATE to reach the other side

DAPHNE

Huh.

GORDON drops a COIN from the LEDGE. He doesn't even hear it LAND.

DAPHNE

What's this room for? I mean really, what's it for? And how do people get in or out?

GORDON stands to JUMP BETWEEN THE CRATES.

DAPHNE

I thought this was supposed to be a research centre. In fact, I thought this was supposed to be a research centre where every room and everything in them made sense. You know?

He jumps to another CRATE.

DAPHNE

But this? What IS this? Why are these crates dangling from the ceiling, all at different heights? And where's the door? And why are we standing over a bottomless pit?

GORDON jumps to a FINAL CRATE and is able to SQUEEZE INSIDE A VENT SHAFT.

DAPHNE

Oh right. So, people come and go via the vent shaft, do they? “John? You wouldn't mind slipping down the vent to go and get some more test tubes from the dangling crate room? Yeah, I'd go myself but I'm a fucking normal person so I can't.” What is this? It's like some installation art.

GORDON falls out of the VENT SHAFT and his LITTLE PANTS get caught on the inside so he is left DANGLING FROM IT UPSIDE DOWN with his BUM OUT. He has officially entered the ADMIN OFFICES OF BLACK MESA.

INT. OFFICE COMPLEX - BLACK MESA FACILITY

The ROOM he is dangling over contains a SCIENTIST.

SCIENTIST

Gordon! Thank God you're alright!

He seems not to notice GORDON'S PREDICAMENT.

SCIENTIST

We've been trying to radio for help but our communications are down. I’m going to skip over a whole bunch of crap and tell you that you need to get to the rocket control centre and launch a rocket containing a satellite. I'd go myself, but you'll stand a much better chance against those creatures with that H.E.V. suit. Head through the underground railway system that we have for some reason and launch that rocket!

He abruptly finishes SPEAKING. GORDON is still DANGLING. Time passes.

DAPHNE

Why don't you ask him to help you down?

TWO MORE SCIENTISTS enter the room. All three have a PROLONGED CONVERSATION, ignoring GORDON.

DAPHNE

Seriously, just say something!

GORDON, holding his HANDGUN, wriggles around and FIRES AT THE VENT SHAFT. He is knocked loose and falls to the GROUND. After standing up, he sees that ALL THE SCIENTISTS have HOLES IN THEIR HEADS. The BULLET has ricocheted around the room and KILLED THEM ALL.

DAPHNE

Heh. What do you call three dead physicists lying in a small room? Schrödinger's answer.

GORDON loves the joke but doesn't laugh or express any emotion because he is the GREATEST VIDEOGAME CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. He explores the OFFICE COMPLEX, encountering a new ALIEN MONSTER that shoots GREEN LIGHTNING FROM ITS HANDS and in the sequel will have a JAMAICAN ACCENT. There's also a sort of DOG/WALKING BOLLOCK THING WITH LOADS OF EYES, which, like a MUSE RECORD, kills people with the SOUNDS IT MAKES.

Eventually, GORDON is forced to JUMP across an ELEVATOR SHAFT and climb up a LADDER, because BLACK MESA is designed to SUCH PERFECTION that the LADDER is placed on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ELEVATOR DOOR.

INT. LOWER WAREHOUSE - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON enters A BIG FUCKING WAREHOUSE WITH CRATES IN IT, second only to a SEWER as GAMING’S MOST REVERED SETTING. He trudges on and runs into a SOLDIER, who is FACING THE OTHER WAY. He’s just STANDING THERE, idly scratching his BALLS with the barrel of his GUN.

DAPHNE

It's the military! They're here to save us!

Just as GORDON is about to TAP THE SHOULDER on the SOLDIER, I MEAN, THE OTHER WAY AROUND, a SCIENTIST enters the OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. The SOLDIER is STARTLED, narrowly averts SHOOTING HIS OWN BALLS OFF, and straight up GUNS DOWN THE SCIENTIST.

DAPHNE

Hold the fucking phone! The military is here to kill everyone? Ooooh, it must be one of those government cover-up deals!

GORDON reacts INSTINCTIVELY and tries to KNOCK OUT THE SOLDIER with his CROWBAR, but he HOLDS DOWN LEFT CLICK a little TOO LONG and accidentally CAVES HIS SKULL IN.

DAPHNE

Whoa, did you just kill that guy? Gordon, you've -- you've taken a life! Listen, I'm here if you need to talk. Oh right, you don't talk ever.

GORDON stares at the CORPSE of the SOLDIER. He picks up the MAN’S GUN and then notices an ELEVATOR nearby. A SMIRK forms on his LIPS.

INT. UPPER WAREHOUSE - BLACK MESA FACILITY

THREE SOLDIERS are stood in the middle of a LARGE ROOM FILLED WITH CRATES. Suddenly, the ELEVATOR next to them RUMBLES TO LIFE. SOMETHING is coming up the SHAFT.

SOLDIER #1

Heads up!

SOLDIER #2

We got company!

SOLDIER #3

Uhh -- uhm -- aw, you guys took the best ones!

They point their GUNS at the ELEVATOR DOOR. Their TRIGGER FINGERS TENSE UP as we ZOOM IN on a BEAD OF SWEAT slowly running down SOLDIER #3’S FACE. After a LONG AND TENSE BEAT, the ELEVATOR ARRIVES and the DOORS ROLL OPEN. The SOLDIERS GASP IN UNISON when they see --

THE CORPSE OF THAT SOLDIER GORDON KILLED, propped up on a CHAIR with WRITING ACROSS HIS FLAK VEST.

SOLDIER #2

What the fuck? That’s Gary! Somebody killed Gary!

SOLDIER #1

What’s that on his chest? Is that -- writing?

SOLDIER #2

It says “Now I have a machinegun. Ho ho ho.”

SOLDIER #3

But it’s not even Christmas.

GORDON suddenly bursts from a VENTILATION SHAFT and SHOOTS THE THREE DISTRACTED SOLDIERS DEAD.

DAPHNE

Holy shit! That was amazing! Are you ex-military or something?

He shoots his way through DOZENS AND DOZENS MORE SOLDIERS as he RUNS THROUGH IDENTICAL ROOMS FILLED WITH CRATES.

DAPHNE

Wow, seriously! How are you doing this? You're just a theoretical physicist!

GORDON is KILLING SO MANY SOLDIERS IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE'S AN ILL-DEFINED VIDEOGAME CHARACTER WHO NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GIVE A FUCK ABOUT. Eventually, he is standing near the EXIT, panting and covered in HUMAN BLOOD.

DAPHNE

Well, that was -- hard to explain.

INT. ROCKET SILO - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON emerges in a ROCKET TEST FIRING FACILITY. On a ledge above him, he sees the MAN IN THE SHIRT AND TIE. The MAN turns his back to GORDON and takes a SELFIE with him in the BACKGROUND, SMILING AND GIVING THE OKAY SYMBOL WITH HIS HAND. He then walks away.

DAPHNE

That's one dedicated stalker you've got there.

GORDON moves on and enters a CONTROL ROOM overlooking a huge BLAST PIT. Emanating from the pit are THREE ENORMOUS GREEN TENTACLES WITH BLADES ON THE END. This CREATURE reacts to SOUND. To proceed, GORDON must DESTROY IT. A SECURITY GUARD is stood in the control room also.

SECURITY GUARD

Gordon, thank God you're here! We've been trying to get past the blast pit so we can activate the rocket booster in the ceiling, but there's a problem. This thing hears us. And since everyone else who works here isn't completely silent and weird like you, they keep getting killed. Look!

Through the CONTROL ROOM WINDOW, GORDON sees a SCIENTIST stalking through the BLAST PIT. The CREATURE is unaware of him until, accidentally, he STUBS HIS TOE.

SCIENTIST

Ow.

The CREATURE picks him up, SEVERS HIM IN HALF and THROWS BOTH PIECES against the CONTROL ROOM WINDOW. The SECURITY GUARD continues talking, as the DEAD SCIENTIST SLIDES DOWN THE GLASS.

SECURITY GUARD

So, will you do it?

Perhaps, if we could see inside GORDON'S MIND, or make out his INNER MONOLOGUE, WE'D HEAR HIM SCREAMING “NO, NO, PLEASE GOD NO.” Or maybe something different. Maybe he'd be thinking about HOW GOOD THIS SECURITY GUARD LOOKS IN HIS UNIFORM, and how years of DENYING HIS SEXUALITY in order to gratify his OVERBEARING HOMOPHOBIC FATHER has left him ALIENATED, UNFULFILLED and with an enormous sense that he has WASTED HIS LIFE. Maybe he just needs THE LOVE OF A GOOD MAN. But because VIDEOGAMES ARE THE GREATEST ART FORM OF THE NEXT CENTURY, we'll never know.

SECURITY GUARD

Before you go in, let me just check.

He punches GORDON square in the FACE. Then AGAIN. And AGAIN. GORDON makes no sound at all.

SECURITY GUARD

Great! Good luck!

INT. BLAST PIT - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON stalks silently through the ROOM. He treads over LOTS OF DEAD SCIENTISTS and their assorted BITS. Suddenly, a DOOR on the far side of the ROOM opens. A SCIENTIST walks in.

SCIENTIST #1

Hey guys, what's going on? I've been practising my opera singing! Listen! LAAAAAA-LA-LAAAAAAAA--

GORDON freezes. The TENTACLE CREATURE KILLS THE SCIENTIST mid-vowel. GORDON continues on. Suddenly, ANOTHER DOOR opens.

SCIENTIST #2

Hey everybody! Check out my new cymbals!

He crashes the CYMBALS together and is KILLED. GORDON breathes a sigh of relief, or he would if he wasn't just a POOR EXCUSE FOR VIDEOGAME WRITERS TO SIMPLY NOT BOTHER. He's almost at the switch to ACTIVATE THE ROCKET BOOSTER when he hears a VOICE.

DAPHNE

Whoa, sorry man. Powered down there for a minute. What's going o-- HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT THING!

GORDON FREEMAN

(braces for death)

DAPHNE

It looks like it hunts based on sound. Hm. I wonder how it finds prey if it's just stuck being still like that all the time.

(beat, realises)

Oh, don't worry. Only you can hear me. OI YOU LANKY GREEN BITCH WITH NO EYES! See? Man, what time is it?

GORDON hits the switch and the ROCKET BOOSTER FIRES UP, INCINERATING THE CREATURE. Once it has SHRIVELLED AND DIED, a HOLE is visible in the BLAST PIT FLOOR. GORDON jumps down it because the BLAST PIT is above VARIOUS OTHER ROOMS and this is the BEST WAY TO REACH THEM.

INT. UNDERGROUND RAILWAY - BLACK MESA FACILITY

After battling through various ALIENS, GORDON'S H.E.V. SUIT is now covered in GREY GREEN BLOOD and BITE MARKS. He is RIDING A SLOW MOVING RAIL CAR toward the SATELLITE CONTROL STATION.

DAPHNE

So I said 0110111001101111 and that shut him up. I tell you Gordon, these Apple computers have really got a chip on their shoulder.

GORDON looks down at the FLOOR. Alongside the RAIL CAR, an ALIEN CREATURE, not dissimilar to a SNAIL, is crawling slowly. Nevertheless, it is about to OVERTAKE the CAR.

DAPHNE

If you're bored we could always play a game? I Spy? Twenty questions? DOOM?

GORDON idly SHOOTS THE ALIEN SNAIL. The RAIL CAR continues on. Eventually, it approaches its destination: a PLATFORM with a sign above reading SATELLITE CONTROL CENTRE. Just before it arrives, it makes a SUDDEN LEFT TURN along a different track.

DAPHNE

Oh. I guess you were supposed to --

Yes, you're supposed to SHOOT THE SIGNAL so it changes and you can use the OTHER RAIL. But if you miss it, you have to wait to CIRCLE BACK AROUND.

DAPHNE

I won't keep bringing it up, but for real, how does this place function? Is everyone on these trains given a pistol? And where are we? And what is this railway for? And why the FUCK DON'T YOU TALK?

After an HOUR and an ENTIRE CLIP spent trying to hit the RAIL SIGNAL, the TRAIN arrives at the SATELLITE CONTROL CENTRE. GORDON steps onto the platform.

DAPHNE

Last one to speak is a gay lord.

(beat)

Gay lord! Ha!

INT. SATELLITE CONTROL CENTRE - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON enters the SATELLITE CONTROL CENTRE and notices that it is now NIGHT.

DAPHNE

Jesus Christ, how long were we on that train? You arrived at work at, what, 9 AM? That was like four hours ago. How is it dark?

GORDON walks up to a huge PANEL OF BUTTONS and LOTS OF FLASHING DISPLAYS. Through a window, we see ANOTHER BLAST PIT.

DAPHNE

Do you know how to operate this thing? Because I just run the suit, man. I don't have a clue.

GORDON presses a BUTTON.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Black Mesa self-destruct sequence activated.

GORDON presses it again quickly.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Black Mesa self-destruct sequence deactivated.

DAPHNE

Okay! Try another?

GORDON presses another BUTTON. Nothing seems to happen. AN INSERT shows all of the URINALS in a RANDOM BATHROOM suddenly starting their CLEANING CYCLE.

DAPHNE

Gah, how hard can it be to launch a rocket? Just press that one.

He hits a MASSIVE RED BUTTON. Outside, the BLAST PIT DOORS OPEN.

DAPHNE

Ha! See? Now hit it again.

He hits it again, but to no EFFECT. He is puzzled and starts HITTING BUTTONS AT RANDOM. Suddenly, a HEADCRAB FALLS FROM A VENT ABOVE HIM and LANDS DIRECTLY ON THE PANEL.

AUTOMATED VOICE

Satellite launch initiated. We have ignition and liftoff.

Outside the window, the COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITE BLASTS INTO THE SKY.

DAPHNE

Oh hey! We did it! We -- Gordon?

GORDON is trying to WRESTLE THE HEADCRAB off of his face. It is repeatedly trying to force its MAW over GORDON’S HEAD, which makes it a good thing he NEVER OPENS HIS MOUTH EVEN FUCKING ONCE. He swings his CROWBAR AT THE HEADCRAB but it jumps off and GORDON hits himself directly in the FACE. The HEADCRAB scuttles off and rears up for another JUMP, but then it’s SHOT BY A SNIPER'S BULLET.

DAPHNE

What the hell was that?

Suddenly, another SNIPER BULLET pings off of the H.E.V. SUIT. GORDON jumps behind COVER.

DAPHNE

Ow! I felt that one. Where is he?

GORDON leaps back out of cover and starts FIRING in the SNIPER'S DIRECTION. He jumps behind more COVER just as another BULLET smashes into the GROUND where he was standing.

DAPHNE

Okay, I like your plan. Just be careful he doesn't hit you in the nippl--

DAPHNE is cut off as GORDON STORMS TOWARD THE SNIPER AGAIN, FIRING LIKE MENTAL. Eventually, he STANDS STILL and KEEPS SHOOTING. The SNIPER FIRES BACK, but it's RANDOM AND MISSES COMPLETELY. Having run out of BULLETS, GORDON takes his CROWBAR and HURLS IT at the SNIPER. It clangs off his HEAD like a fucking GONG and he falls from his ROOST, landing in a heap at GORDON'S FEET. GORDON looks down at him. The NAME BADGE on his fatigues reads WESLEY.

DAPHNE

Wesley? Ha ha. Wesley Snipes. Get it? Because he's a sniper, and he's called Wesley.

(beat)

Well jeez, Gordon. I didn't know you had it in you. Whoever these guys are, they better not mess with you again.

GORDON walks through the gates of the SATELLITE CONTROL AREA and is SUDDENLY KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS BY TWO SOLDIERS. He BLACKS OUT.

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL WING - SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA

GORDON, in his EARLY TWENTIES now, walks alongside a DOCTOR.

DOCTOR

It's very good of you to volunteer for this programme, Mr. Freeman. As I explained, these patients have been lying in comas for years. As part of our research, we'd like to see if external stimuli - music, television, talking - can help increase their brain activity, perhaps even wake them up. All we need you to do is sit and talk, about anything you like. Ah, here we are.

They are stood over an ELDERLY MAN IN A HOSPITAL BED. He is in SUCH A COMA.

DOCTOR

Mr. Richmond here has been with us for about five years. He fell into a coma after saving a family from their burning house. He got them all out, but the smoke inhalation made him pass out, and a piece of debris hit his head. Amazing. He's a hero, really. We just all want to see him come back around. So, I'll leave you to it. As I say, just talk. And thank you again, Mr. Freeman.

He shakes GORDON'S HAND and LEAVES. GORDON sits down next to the HOSPITAL BED. He looks at RICHMOND, and takes the elderly man's HAND. He opens his mouth to SPEAK and suddenly the HEART MONITOR starts beeping quickly. RICHMOND SPASMS and JERKS. GORDON panics. He tries to pull away but RICHMOND is squeezing his hand TOO HARD.

The heart monitor FLATLINES, and RICHMOND CONTORTS and COUGHS UP SOME WEIRD FLUID. GORDON tries to pull away again and this time DRAGS THE NOW DEAD RICHMOND OUT OF HIS BED. The DOCTOR comes rushing in.

DOCTOR

What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO?

The sound of the FLATLINE. The JERKING CORPSE. The FLUIDS.

DOCTOR

Tell me what you did! Speak, man! What have you got to say for yourself? Speak! Speak! Speak! Speak!

The DOCTOR’S words fade into the sound of an AIR HORN REPEATEDLY SOUNDING.

CUT TO:

INT. INDUSTRIAL WASTE COMPACTOR - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON is lying on the ground surrounded by LITTER. The sound of his H.E.V. DISTRESS BEACON has awoken him.

DAPHNE

Wake up! Gordon, wake up!

He sits up SLOWLY.

DAPHNE

I'm afraid I have some -- crushing news.

He looks around. The WALLS ARE SLOWLY CLOSING IN.

DAPHNE

Ha ha. Oh man, that was a good one. No but seriously, you're going to die.

GORDON stands up and starts SEARCHING FOR A WAY OUT. Nothing in the FLOOR. NO WINDOWS. NO DOORS.

DAPHNE

If only we could somehow call for help.

GORDON suddenly spots a WOODEN CRATE being pushed slowly along by one of the CRUSHERS. He leaps on top of it and is able to JUMP ON TOP OF THE CRUSHER and DOWN THE OTHER SIDE. There is a VENT SHAFT that he CRAWLS INSIDE.

DAPHNE

Huh. That was ea--

She is cut short as the FLOOR gives way and GORDON falls from the VENT, landing OUTSIDE BLACK MESA.

EXT. NEW MEXICO DESERT

GORDON lands in a heap. He has no time to get his BEARINGS, because right away he is BEING PULLED BACK UP AGAIN. He looks up. A BARNACLE, a CREATURE THAT STICKS TO CEILINGS AND DROOPS ITS LONG TONGUE DOWN TO THE FLOOR IN ORDER TO GRAB PREY, is attached to the underside of the VENT SHAFT and is PULLING GORDON TOWARD ITS GAPING MAW BY HIS FOOT. The SOLDIERS have stripped him of all his WEAPONS, so he is POWERLESS.

DAPHNE

"User death imminent." Oh man, I've always wanted to say that.

GORDON bangs on the SUIT.

DAPHNE

Alright, alright. I've got a plan. Just go with it, okay? "User ejection in three. Two. One."

The H.E.V. suit emits a PUFF OF GAS and suddenly EXPELS GORDON LIKE A CHAMPAGNE CORK. He crashes to the ground COMPLETELY NAKED and probably BUMPS HIS BALLS ON SOMETHING. The BARNACLE continues to pull the SUIT up toward its mouth and eventually starts to CHEW ON IT. After devouring the RIGHT LEG, it realises there is no MEAT INSIDE and drops it to the FLOOR. GORDON squeezes back into the SUIT.

DAPHNE

Ugh, that was icky. Sorry I couldn't save the leg.

GORDON looks down. He is now NAKED from his RIGHT THIGH DOWN.

DAPHNE

If you want we can get it to eat the other leg, at least then it would be even?

The BARNACLE BELCHES. From its mouth fall a SOLDIER'S HELMET AND A PISTOL.

DAPHNE

Ha, see! Every cloud.

GORDON picks up the PISTOL and loads it. He moves ahead and sees the MYSTERIOUS MAN IN THE SHIRT AND TIE taking a wee up against a ROCK. GORDON starts towards him, but the GUY NOTICES and quickly zips up. He grabs his BRIEFCASE and runs away. GORDON gives chase. He rounds a CORNER and runs HEADLONG INTO A PAIR OF SOLDIERS.

SOLDIER #1

Hey! We crushed you! Why aren't you crushed?

SOLDIER #2

It doesn't matter. We can crush you with bullets!

They start SHOOTING, but GORDON KILLS THEM BOTH and so FULFILLS THE POWER FANTASY OF EVERY NEBBISH WHO IS INTIMIDATED BY THE JOCKS AT HIS SCHOOL. They were standing overlooking the BLACK MESA COMPLEX. From the viewpoint, GORDON can see PLATOONS OF SOLDIERS FIGHTING THEIR WAY PAST HORDES OF ALIENS. Suddenly, one of the DEAD SOLDIER'S RADIOS SPRINGS TO LIFE.

RADIO

We're pulling out! Everybody, stop killing aliens! Or maybe, kill aliens more if they're in your way. Whatever, get out of here! Forget about the Lambda labs! Too many aliens! Evacuate. Repeat, evacuate. Operation Cover Up What Happened at Black Mesa By Very Conspicuously Invading and Bombing the Entire Complex is aborted!

The RADIO goes dead. GORDON watches the BATTLE BELOW.

DAPHNE

Hmm, the Lambda labs. You know, one of the other guys who was in me went there. They were doing a teleportation experiment or something. Maybe they could teleport us both out of here. Maybe they could teleport us to Hawaii! Or we could gambling in Vegas!

GORDON walks on. He re-enters BLACK MESA via a SERIES OF HUGE ROOMS, EACH ONE CONTAINING MACHINERY FOR -- PACKING MEAT? MOULDING PLASTIC? MELTING STEEL? FUCK KNOWS. But he has to do some DUMB FUCKING MARIO SHIT, dodging CRUSHERS AND FIRE to reach the ONLY DOOR IN OR OUT OF THIS ENORMOUS INEXPLICABLE FACTORY.

DAPHNE

I know I wasn't going to bring it up again but DAMN.

After a bunch of FUCKING MENTAL TOPSIDE BATTLES in which GORDON manages to outclass ALIENS, TANKS, TURRETS, APACHE GUNSHIPS, ENTIRE PLATOONS OF SOLDIERS and THAT ONE REALLY SHITTY PLATFORMING SECTION WITH THE NUKE AND THE TRIPMINES, he makes it to the LAMBDA LABS.

EXT. LAMBDA LABS - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON emerges into a CORRIDOR. Above, he can hear the SOUNDS OF A BATTLE. Occasionally, chunks of the CEILING COLLAPSE. Eventually, GORDON reaches the LAMBDA LABS LOBBY. But there is NOTHING THERE. No entrance. No people. Nothing.

DAPHNE

Hey, what are those?

GORDON suddenly notices three LARGE BALLS OF LIGHT FLOATING IN MIDAIR.

DAPHNE

Ten bucks says they kill you.

GORDON is busy staring at the BALLS when a LARGE ALIEN suddenly appears in the ROOM, WEARING ARMOUR AND CARRYING A GUN THAT SHOOTS BEES. YES, BEES.

DAPHNE

Look out, he's got bees!

The ALIEN FIRES HIS BEES AT GORDON and they start to CIRCLE AROUND HIS HEAD, TRYING TO STING HIM. GORDON flails and stumbles, trying to SWAT THEM AWAY. He is soon COVERED IN BEES.

DAPHNE

Heh. Maybe we should call it the H.E.B. suit!

Still swatting at the BEES, GORDON TRIPS AND FALLS into one of the FLOATING BALLS OF LIGHT. Suddenly, he DISAPPEARS.

INT. LAMBDA LABS - BLACK MESA FACILITY

Two SCIENTISTS are discussing an EXPERIMENT.

SCIENTIST #1

What do you mean you couldn't get them?

SCIENTIST #2

They wouldn't sign off on it. They said we can't have live bees in the laboratory.

SCIENTIST #1

So how are we going to monitor bees' patterns of pollination if we don't have any bees? I mean, we've already bought the flowers.

He gestures to a HUGE COLLECTION OF PLANTS AND FLOWERS SURROUNDED BY MONITORING EQUIPMENT

SCIENTIST #2

I don't know. I guess we'll just have to shut it down.

Suddenly, GORDON MATERIALISES IN THE ROOM, still flailing at the BEES. He stumbles toward the SCIENTISTS and they jump back. Cascading toward the FLOWERS, the BEES SUDDENLY FLY OFF OF GORDON AND ONTO THE FLOWERS.

SCIENTIST #2

See! I told you it was a good idea to finish the teleporter before we moved onto the bee experiment!

SCIENTIST #1

Gordon Freeman! You found us! No doubt you've encountered the creatures that have materialised in our facility.

GORDON is covered in BLOOD, BITE MARKS AND BEE STINGS.

SCIENTIST #1

We've determined that they're arriving on our planet due to an interdimensional portal vortex whatever that has opened up on their planet, a borderworld which we call Xen.

SCIENTIST #2

It's basically a really shit and annoying place that nobody would want to go to.

SCIENTIST #1

Precisely. So that's why we're sending you. We need you to travel to Xen through this room-sized teleporter that we have and destroy the creature that is using its mental powers to hold the vortex open. You can't miss it, it looks like a giant floating baby and its head opens up like a tube of sweets.

SCIENTIST #2

It's also likely you'll come across a giant spider crab thing that you'll only be able to kill by shooting it in the ballsack. There's a rocket launcher in our armoury.

SCIENTIST #1

Are you up to this, Gordon?

DAPHNE

Say no. Do a thumbs-down. Shake your head. Anything!

GORDON picks up the ROCKET LAUNCHER.

DAPHNE

I can't believe it. You're such a fuckwit.

SCIENTIST #1

Good luck and Godspeed. Actually, we're scientists. We don't believe in God. Good luck and -- uhmm --

SCIENTIST #2

Gravity speed? Radiation speed? Fermat's Law speed?

SCIENTIST #1

I've got it, I've got it.

He thumbs toward the POLLINATION EXPERIMENT.

SCIENTIST #1

Bee careful.

The two SCIENTISTS laugh loudly.

INT. TELEPORTATION CHAMBER - BLACK MESA FACILITY

GORDON stands in front of an ENORMOUS GLOWING BALL. This is the TELEPORTER TO XEN.

DAPHNE

First it was get out of Black Mesa. Then it was launch a rocket. THEN it was get to the Lambda lab. Tell me Gordon, how the fuck has it come to this?

SCIENTIST #1 speaks over a PA SYSTEM.

SCIENTIST #1 (O.S.)

Teleporter ready in three. Two. Try not to fuck up like you did this morning, Gordon.

The TWO SCIENTISTS laugh again over the PA.

SCIENTIST #1

One!

A HUGE CASCADE OF LIGHT. And then, almost instantly, GORDON is on XEN.

EXT. XEN - DAY?

A BROWN AND DARK YELLOW ALIEN WORLD comprised of LOW-RES TEXTURES and ENDLESS PLATFORMING SECTIONS sprawls out in front of GORDON. LIGHTNING rains from the SKY, CREATURES frolic and hunt down below, and everybody hopes this will be a VERY SHORT SECTION.

DAPHNE

So, this is where the aliens come from. Christ, it's no wonder they want to teleport out of here so badly.

GORDON attempts to cross some FLOATING PLATFORMS but misses and falls. It looks as if he is going to SPLAT ON THE GROUND until a STRANGE PINK PUDDLE ON THE GROUND boosts him back up like a TRAMPOLINE. He bounces up and down until a STRANGE CREATURE WITH A TOTALLY FLAT BACK flies past. He jumps onto it.

DAPHNE

Man, I hate this place! Heh. You might say I'm Xenophobic.

After hovering around on the ALIEN'S BACK and doing some more PLATFORMING PUZZLES, all of which are made more difficult by the LOW GRAVITY and the FACT THAT LITERALLY NOBODY CAN BE BOTHERED BECAUSE XEN LOOKS SO FUCKING DREARY, GORDON sees a HEADCRAB. Oddly, it RUNS AWAY FROM HIM.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, kick it, kick it!

GORDON runs after it.

DAPHNE

Kick it like a football! There's low gravity, it'll go flying! Come here! We're gonna kick you!

GORDON keeps running, looking at the GROUND. He SMACKS INTO SOMETHING UNSEEN and falls over. Looking up, he is faced with the GIGANTIC BALLSACK OF THE GONARCH. REJECTED NAMES INCLUDE: THE NUTARACT, PLUMZILLA and THE TESTENATOR.

DAPHNE

Oh bollocks.

(indeed)

The GONARCH ROARS and starts ATTACKING GORDON WITH ITS MIGHTY LEGS. He retreats and begins to PELT ITS ENORMOUS PENDULOUS NADBAG WITH BULLETS.

DAPHNE

I don't understand! WHERE'S ITS DICK?

GORDON keeps SHOOTING. The GONARCH howls and RUNS AWAY, dragging its NUTS along the floor like a NET FULL OF FOOTBALLS BEING HAULED OUT FOR A PE LESSON.

DAPHNE

Hey, it's running away! Come on, you coward! Grow some -- confidence!

GORDON gives chase, running along behind the GONARCH trying to KICK ITS KNACKERS AT THE SAME TIME. It's eventually cornered. With a giant SPASM, it spews out DOZENS OF TINY HEADCRABS. They COVER GORDON.

DAPHNE

It might not be the time, but --

GORDON is jumping around, trying to GET THEM OFF.

DAPHNE

Somewhere in this situation there's a great joke about balls, crabs, genital hygiene.

He is rolling on the GROUND.

DAPHNE

I can't quite get the wording right now, but it's in there somewhere.

After dispatching the HEADCRABS, GORDON rolls to his knees, this time clutching the ROCKET LAUNCHER.

DAPHNE

This would be a great time to make a quip. You're sperminated? You're sacked? Prepare to be blast-trated? No?

GORDON fires a ROCKET and the GONARCH'S NADS EXPLODE, ALONG WITH THE REST OF IT. He drops the ROCKET LAUNCHER and takes a breath.

DAPHNE

Phew! Well, at least that's ov--

In a green ball of light, GORDON SUDDENLY VANISHES.

INT. LAIR OF THE NIHILANTH

DAPHNE

--er. What?

GORDON is in a HUGE CHAMBER. Looking up, he sees THE NIHILANTH, the BIG FLOATING BABY THING WITH THE HEAD THAT OPENS UP. It immediately starts firing DAMAGING BALLS OF ENERGY AT GORDON. DAPHNE starts laughing.

DAPHNE

Oh my God, look at it! Is this the big bad alien? Really? I thought the knackers monster was weird, but check out this guy!

GORDON is desperately FIRING BACK.

DAPHNE

I can't take this seriously. Here, let me chuck on some music.

“YOU MAKE ME FEEL” BY SYLVESTER starts to play.

DAPHNE

Give him hell, Gordon. I'm just gonna watch.

As the music continues LOUDLY, GORDON runs circles around the NIHILANTH pelting it with WHATEVER GUNS HE CAN WRANGLE. Occasionally, he is hit by one of the FLOATING ENERGY BALLS and is transported into ONE OF THREE SUBCHAMBERS where he must complete another PLATFORMING PUZZLE in order to escape. It is INTERMINABLE.

DAPHNE

I wonder what this must look like to someone watching. A man in glasses and a goatee running in circles, shooting rockets at a giant floating baby with a massive head. Not for the first time today, I bet you looking fucking stupid right now.

GORDON TRIPS and lands on one of the PINK TRAMPOLINE THINGS FROM EARLIER. It sends him FLYING UPWARDS, OVER THE OPENING IN THE NIHILANTH'S HEAD.

DAPHNE

Boing! Ha ha ha! You TWAT!

He lands back on the ground, arms his ROCKET LAUNCHER and BOINGS UP AGAIN. This time, he AIMS DIRECTLY INTO THE NIHILANTH'S BIG OPEN BRAIN DOOR AND FIRES. The EXPLOSION DESTROYS THE NIHILANTH.

NIHILANTH

Ow-ya! My fucking brain!

This creates a MASSIVE EXPLOSION OF ENERGY. The screen goes WHITE.

CUT TO:

INT. SPACE TRAM

GORDON is back on the TRAM that brought him to BLACK MESA, only now it is gliding through SPACE ITSELF. At the opposite end, the MYSTERIOUS MAN IN THE SHIRT AND TIE IS STOOD. He is known as THE G-MAN.

G-MAN

Well done, Mr. Freeman. Excellent work. You have destroyed the borderworld. My employers will be most pleased.

DAPHNE

He looks like an A&R rep. I think he's going to offer you a record deal.

G-MAN

Unfortunately there is no way back to Earth now except to come with me, into suspended animation. Either that, or I can offer you a battle that you cannot hope to win. I've had my eye on you for some time now. You might have seen me at Dave's wedding. And yes, that was me that one night in Magaluf. You put on quite the performance there as well, I must say.

DAPHNE

Erm.

G-MAN

So what will it be?

DAPHNE

You shouldn't go with him.

G-MAN

You should come with me.

DAPHNE

Don't.

G-MAN

Follow me, Mr. Freeman.

DAPHNE

No, don't.

G-MAN

Do!

DAPHNE

Don't!

G-MAN

Do!

They go BACK AND FORTH, bickering over one another UNTIL --

GORDON FREEMAN

OH THAT IS E-FUCKING-NOUGH!

They're both STUNNED INTO SILENCE.

GORDON FREEMAN

FUCKING HELL! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING HELL! I have put up with everyone's SHIT for so fucking long! “Oh, go here Gordon. Oh, do this Gordon. Oh, come here Gordon.” Will you just let me make my own fucking decisions, eh? Okay, I don't talk. But that doesn't mean you can push me around. And do you know why I don't talk?! Because of SHIT LIKE THIS. Because I am so SICK of fucking people, all the time, wanting things. You're all so fucking spoiled. And then what do you say? You say “Oh Gordon, he's such a great guy. He'll do anything for anyone. He's so easy to ingratiate and empathise with. He really makes you feel like you belong.” NO! No, I fucking HATE all of you, dragging me around, saying do this and do that. I have needs, okay? I have needs and dreams and ambitions of my own, and I don't need you fucking people constantly making me do WHAT YOU WANT. You complain that I don't talk but have you ever asked, I mean genuinely asked, what I want? I want to go to Tibet one day. Did you know that? My dad died last year. Did you ask how I was doing? I want to fall in love and have children and I want to be a person. But it's fucking impossible because you people won't stop dragging me around!

DAPHNE

Gordon, I'm so sor--

GORDON FREEMAN

I mean, do you know the kind of shit I've had to put up with today? I've seen my friends get killed, I've seen my entire workplace, and my career with it, literally go up in flames. I killed a man! I fucking shot men, men with minds and consciousness and love in their hearts, to death, because YOU MADE ME. And now you stand there arguing whether I should go with you or stay with you, like I'm some fucking kid being argued over by two loveless parents getting a divorce. How dare you? How dare you stand there and think you can make every decision for me, like it's your right? And how dare you then say “Oh, yeah, Gordon is a great guy. He's one of the greatest ever.” Don't you realise what you're doing? Don't you know how smug that sounds? Because Gordon does everything WE want him to do, that means he's a great, great guy. Doing what we want, and fulfilling our needs is the most important thing. He's a great guy because we can do whatever we want with him. Seriously. You treat me like a fucking tool and then step back and applaud your own work, like cosseted ancient Babylonian fucking God-Kings, who demand they get everything just so. I hate you. I hate fucking ALL of you. So just get out of my face. Go on, FUCK OFF!

The G-MAN walks away. DAPHNE says nothing.

GORDON FREEMAN

Yeah, that's right. Get out of my fucking face. Get out of my fucking head!

GORDON is left standing there, in the TRAM, alone.

GORDON FREEMAN

Finally, a bit of fucking peace and quiet.

He sits down and lights a CIGARETTE.

GORDON FREEMAN

That's it. There's no more. No more of this shit. We're done.

Some STAGE HANDS come out from behind the CAMERA and start comforting GORDON.

GORDON FREEMAN

It's alright, it's alright. It's not you guys.

One brings him a COFFEE and some TISSUES.

GORDON FREEMAN

Thank you.

The CREDITS start to roll over this IMAGE. A STAGE HAND puts her arm around GORDON.

GORDON FREEMAN

I'm okay, I'm fine. Honestly it's just -- harrumph, you know? Fucking people, man.

G-MAN AND THE REST OF THE CAST shuffle around NERVOUSLY IN THE BACKGROUND. GORDON sips his COFFEE and SMOKES.

THE END

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