FADE IN:

INT. MARS CITY - UAC RESEARCH BASE

The PROTAGONIST, who is a MARINE and NOTHING ELSE, arrives at the UAC CORPORATION on MARS.

MARINE

Hang on a second, let me adjust my brightness settings. I can't see shit.

(beat)

Wait, they're already all the way up!

DEVELOPER ID SOFTWARE

This game is very dark, you see.

MARINE

No, I don't see. Anything. At all.

DEVELOPER ID SOFTWARE

No, I mean the themes and content are really dark.

MARINE is accompanied by COUNCILOR ELLIOT SWANN. As they enter MARS CITY, MARINE overhears a CONVERSATION between SWANN and UAC SCIENTIST MALCOLM BETRUGER.

ELLIOT SWANN

Dr. Betruger, we've been getting reports that you've become obviously evil. And now that I see for myself, I can't help but agree.

MALCOLM BETRUGER

I resent these ludicrous accusations!

ELLIOT SWANN

Come on, you look exactly like Hannibal Lecter and you're trying desperately to be just as sinister!

MALCOLM BETRUGER

Preposterous!

MARINE is ordered to report to SERGEANT KELLY.

SERGEANT KELLY

You sure took your sweet time getting here, Marine.

MARINE

Sorry, there were all these people and things to interact with on my way over here.

SERGEANT KELLY

One of our scientists has recently gone missing. Go find him and stop whatever he's doing. Here's a PDA that can absorb other ones, a pistol that looks too much like the one from Blade Runner for that to be a coincidence, and a flashlight that's so heavy you couldn't possibly use it in conjunction with something else. Like, say, a gun.

MARINE sets off to find the SCIENTIST and locates him in an OLDER PART of the BASE. His name is JONATHAN ISHII, in case anyone CARES.

JONATHAN ISHII

Please! You have to let me warn Earth! Dr. Betruger has turned evil!

MARINE

Yeah, he couldn't make it more obvious if he were constantly chewing on a kitten.

Suddenly, a SHOCKWAVE hits the entire BASE. DR. ISHII is turned into a ZOMBIE, whom MARINE is forced to KILL.

MARINE

Whoa, why did that guy get turned into a zombie but not me?

DEVELOPER ID SOFTWARE

Please don't make us come up with something reasonable for that. The original game's explanation was that "you were outside when it happened."

MARINE

Hey, that's what you get when you take a serious approach to an overblown shooter from the 90s. You have to follow through or not do it at all. I bet you're not even going to acknowledge what BFG stands for.

On his way back to MARS CITY, MARINE encounters MORE ZOMBIES.

MARINE

Look at these poor people. Stilted gaits, dead eyes, mindlessly wandering around like they have no free will. And then they got turned into zombies.

SERGEANT KELLY

Marine, you're alive! That means I can keep giving you objectives that will be cancelled the moment you reach them! I need you to send a distress call to Earth.

MARINE

Yeah, that's what the guy you sent me to find was trying to do.

SERGEANT KELLY

PICK UP THE PACE, MARINE!

INT. ALPHA LABS - UAC RESEARCH BASE

MARINE enters the ALPHA LABS and encounters an IMP.

IMP

Bwaaah! I am an Imp, by far the most common enemy in this game! Fear my annoyingly pervasive ubiquity! I will also constantly jump in your face, which should exemplify the type of horror elements employed here!

In one of the LABS, MARINE learns that the UAC has developed a way to DISTILL CLEAN ENERGY AND WATER from MARTIAN DIRT.

MARINE

Wait, so the UAC has effectively resolved the energy crisis, with ending all drought as a byproduct? And why are they the typically evil corporation again?

ELLIOT SWANN

It's because of that really crappy introductory voice-over mentioning "research outside of moral and legal obligations," which is universal code for evil. Actually, the only poor decision the UAC has made was putting an obviously evil scientist in charge of their Mars base, and they sought to remedy even that by sending in me.

MARINE finds an AUDIO LOG on a PDA belonging to a CORPSE.

AUDIO LOG

This is the audio log of a frightened and overworked employee. Lately we've been hearing strange whispers in some of the hallways.

MARINE

Sounds like these employees were having a much more interesting horror experience than the one I'm having right now.

AUDIO LOG

I don't think I'm going to make it. Please tell my wife that the code to the nearby ammunition locker is 527. There, now that I've mentioned that, someone is sure to listen to this!

MARINE

You know, audio logs are pretty atmospheric storytelling devices, but they were really a stopgap solution to the inability of earlier games to render believable human characters. Haven't we evolved beyond them now?

(takes a look in the mirror)

Never mind.

SERGEANT KELLY

MARINE, YOU NEED TO PICK UP THE PACE!

INT. ENPRO FACILITY - UAC RESEARCH BASE

The ENPRO FACILITY is suffering from a DAMAGED REACTOR CORE which must be MANUALLY REPLACED.

MARINE

So I just passed through a factory level that was entirely automated, but this overheating reactor can't replace itself? Swell.

MARINE finds a MONSTER CLOSET with the appropriately named TRITE in it. He REACTS to this SHOCKING ABOMINATION by SLIGHTLY FURROWING HIS BROW.

MARINE

Look at that, an upside-down human skull on spider legs made of fingers! I'm sure nothing can top that.

DEVELOPER ID SOFTWARE

Wait, here come some dragonflies mashed together with infants with claws for hands! They are fueled by the cries of countless neglected children of developers pulling constant all-nighters during crunch-time!

MARINE

This feels more like vengeful overcompensation for never being allowed to put children in games.

Eventually, MARINE replaces the DAMAGED REACTOR.

SERGEANT KELLY

Excuse me, I think you dropped something.

MARINE

Oh, what?

SERGEANT KELLY

THE PACE! PICK IT UP!

INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE - UAC RESEARCH BASE

MARINE passes a ROOM with SATANIC MARKINGS, PENTAGRAMS, A WALL MADE OF FLESH, AND A SACRIFICIAL CORPSE OR TWO.

DEVELOPER ID SOFTWARE

From now on, your enemies can also teleport in. We can't seem to stop them from always coming in right in front of your gun or facing away from you, though. Or maintain any consistency in which enemies can teleport and which can't.

Eventually, MARINE reaches a COMMUNICATIONS CONSOLE.

SERGEANT KELLY

Good job, Marine. Now send out the distress call so we can call in reinforcements.

ELLIOT SWANN

Wait! I know you just spent half the game laboriously fighting your way over here, but don't send that distress call! It's too much of a risk!

MARINE

I'm being given a choice?

MALCOLM BETRUGER

Not really, because I want the distress call to go out, so if you decide not to send it, I'll do it anyway. I'm evil, obviously.

(beat)

BWA HA HA HA!

ELLIOT SWANN

Meet me in the Delta Labs, Marine.

INT. DELTA LABS - UAC RESEARCH BASE

MARINE traverses the DELTA LABS. He finds a MONSTER CLOSET INSIDE A MONSTER CLOSET, which means the GAME is already PARODYING ITSELF. Eventually, he meets IAN MCCORMICK.

IAN MCCORMICK

I am one of the scientists who was working on teleportation. One of our experiments went bad and opened a fissure to another dimension, allowing the creatures that inhabit it to invade the base and wreak havoc.

MARINE

That doesn't sound very familiar at all!

IAN MCCORMICK

When we analysed this dimension, we concluded that it was Hell. And those creatures? Demons.

MARINE

So basically a bunch of scientists were confronted with a new plane of existence that happened to have fire and brimstone in it, and you all flocked to a religious concept. "Clearly this is Hell, my fellow men of science!"

IAN MCCORMICK

It was convenient! Some of the demons have horns! Now, to end the invasion, you'll have to find the Soul Cube.

MARINE

What's that?

IAN MCCORMICK

It's an artifact we dug up from these ancient ruins we found on Mars. We've discovered that if you wield the Soul Cube, you can power it up by killing exactly five demons of any shape or size with your regular weapons. It will then tell you it's ready to take the life of whatever demon you point it at. And to top it off, it will transfer the life energy from that demon back to you!

MARINE

Wow, that's amazing!

IAN MCCORMICK

Yes, it's our most valued find.

MARINE

No, I mean it's amazing you managed to keep a straight face while saying that!

IAN MCCORMICK

Are you kidding? It took my voice actor thirty takes to finally nail it. Anyways, I've got one of the teleporters warmed up. You'll need to go through it to get to the main portal and find the Soul Cube.

MARINE

There's no fucking way I'm going through. I've heard plenty of audio logs detailing the horrific effects of teleportation.

IAN MCCORMICK

Remember last time when you thought you had a choice?

MARINE

Goddamnit.

MARINE is TELEPORTED through A COLON OF SCREAMING BLOOD.

MARINE

I sure wouldn't want to be the PR guy who needs to market this technology.

Eventually, MARINE reaches the MAIN PORTAL, which is being controlled by DR. BETRUGER.

MALCOLM BETRUGER

I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

(beat)

Yeah okay, fight these two Hell Knights.

TWO HELL KNIGHTS emerge from the PORTAL.

MARINE

Since I have no idea what's going to come after this, I better save up my BFG ammunition and kill these demons with my shotgun.

(he does)

MALCOLM BETRUGER

Now prepare yourself for Hell!

MARINE

Whew, good thing I saved my BFG for this.

The PORTAL expands and engulfs MARINE.

INT. A DIMENSION THAT RESEMBLES ONE SPECIFIC CONCEPT OF HELL

MARINE finds that ALL HIS WEAPONS ARE GONE.

MARINE

MOTHERFUCKER!

MALCOLM BETRUGER

I control this domain and I will impede your progress by putting a lot of enemies on your path to the Soul Cube! You will never reach it!

MARINE

If you control this domain, why not just trap me on a floating rock? I mean, you just had me in a cage suspended over what I assume was a pit of lava.

MALCOLM BETRUGER

A LOT OF ENEMIES BWA HA HA HA!

After finding a few WEAPONS, MARINE battles his way to the SOUL CUBE, which is being guarded by a GUARDIAN. MARINE kills it.

SOUL CUBE

Come on, I'll transport you back to Mars.

MARINE

And how are you going to do that?

SOUL CUBE

Look buddy, I'm a floating cube with knives that talks. Does it even matter at this point?

The SOUL CUBE teleports MARINE back to the UAC RESEARCH BASE.

INT. DELTA LABS - UAC RESEARCH BASE

When he ARRIVES, MARINE sees that the MAIN PORTAL has been DESTROYED. He finds ELLIOT SWANN, who is MORTALLY WOUNDED.

MARINE

Why am I back here? I just killed that Guardian thing and got the Soul Cube. With the main portal gone, isn't the invasion over?

ELLIOT SWANN

No, there's another portal. A bigger one in the old ruins. The religious term would be a Hellmouth, but for some reason they decided not to use that fucking awesome name.

MARINE

And off we go. Figures that I've lost all my weapons again.

MARINE heads over to the OLD RUINS.

INT. SITE 3 - UAC RESEARCH BASE

In an OFFICE, MARINE finds PIERCE ROGERS.

MARINE

Oh fuck, another zombie!

PIERCE ROGERS

Don't shoot, I'm human! This goddamn lighting engine is just making my face look really emaciated.

MARINE

Right, sorry.

PIERCE ROGERS

In these ruins, we've uncovered evidence of an advanced civilisation that was wiped out ages ago. These Martian Ancients apparently sacrificed themselves to fight back the demons, which they did by placing their collective souls into the Soul Cube and --

MARINE

Wait, please don't tell me that humanity descended from Martians. Because that was the twist in Mission To Mars, and that movie sucked ass.

PIERCE ROGERS

Sorry, but yes. We've also found out that the Ancients unleashed the demons when they were experimenting with teleportation. They inscribed the science behind it on these tablets.

MARINE

So they knew that teleportation invariably led through Hell. Which means that these Ancients tried to safeguard future generations from this by flat-out telling them how teleportation works, but then asking them to please not use it.

PIERCE ROGERS

Well, that explains everything, doesn't it? Humanity descended from morons.

MARINE

I need to find and close the Hellmouth.

PIERCE ROGERS

Yes, of course. Take my keycard, which is bigger than my head, apparently.

MARINE pushes through to the CAVERNS.

INT. CAVERNS - UAC RESEARCH BASE

MARINE finds the HELLMOUTH, which is being guarded by the CYBERDEMON.

CYBERDEMON

Tremble and fear at the sight of my mighty crotch!

The CYBERDEMON attacks MARINE. During the FIGHT, a steady stream of IMPS keeps spawning in.

CYBERDEMON

Guys, stop! His weapons can't hurt me! All you're doing is allowing him to charge up the Soul Cube, which can kill me!

IMP

No, clearly you need help with this! You weren't smart enough to smoosh him when he casually strolled in between your legs!

MARINE

So this is the final battle. Killing goddamn Imps in sequences of five.

Eventually, the SOUL CUBE kills the CYBERDEMON and closes the HELLMOUTH.

MARINE

Well, that's that.

MALCOLM BETRUGER

Wait, I'm also a demon now! A big fucking gargoyle demon!

MARINE

Fuck that. I'll let some other guy take care of you in an expansion pack that maybe three people will buy.

That HAPPENS.

THE END