FADE IN:

INT. USG KELLION

We're inside the USG KELLION, a SPACESHIP. Just to make sure people know it's THE FUTURE, the PROTAGONIST is named after not one, but TWO SCIENCE-FICTION WRITERS.

ISAAC CLARKE

Isaac Clarke, eh? I guess I should be thankful they didn't settle for Isaac Dick.

ISAAC is accompanied by ZACH HAMMOND, KENDRA DANIELS, and TWO EXPENDABLE NPCS. He is watching a DISTRESS CALL from NICOLE BRENNAN.

KENDRA DANIELS

How many times have you watched that thing? Guess you really miss her.

ISAAC CLARKE

Thank you for flagrantly pointing that out to me. Yes, I do dearly miss my wife.

KENDRA DANIELS

Girlfriend.

ISAAC CLARKE

Right, girlfriend.

The USG KELLION emerges from GENERIC HYPERSPACE and heads for its objective, the USG ISHIMURA.

ZACH HAMMOND

There she is, the USG Ishimura. And to stop you from going crazy about it for the entire game, my voice and likeness are being provided by Peter Mensah, who was kicked into a pit by Gerard Butler in 300.

KENDRA DANIELS

I've never heard of a complete communications blackout on one of these massive mining vessels sent out to extract valuable materials from entire planets.

ZACH HAMMOND

I will also insert contrived exposition in casual conversation by mentioning that the blackout started after the colony on the planet Aegis 7 uncovered a strange artifact.

An ASTEROID strikes the USG KELLION and it CRASHES into the USG ISHIMURA.

INT. FLIGHT DECK - USG ISHIMURA

The GROUP recovers from the CRASH and moves into the ISHIMURA.

ZACH HAMMOND

Curse this sudden yet predictable setback!

They head for the FLIGHT LOUNGE.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, you're our engineer.

ISAAC CLARKE

Yes, what needs fixing? Tell me, and I'll fix it.

ZACH HAMMOND

Open this door which is already unlocked and in perfect working order, and then separate yourself from us in that room over there.

ISAAC activates a CONSOLE which causes a QUARANTINE ALERT. A THING drops in and KILLS the TWO EXPENDABLE NPCS.

ZACH HAMMOND

Whoa, really sensible of the security system to lock us inside a room with a walking hedge trimmer.

KENDRA DANIELS

Run, Isaac!

ISAAC CLARKE

Aah! What are these things?

KENDRA DANIELS

It looks like something is reanimating and morphing necrotic flesh! I think these are --

(beat)

space zombies!

DEVELOPER VISCERAL GAMES

Actually, we ran a survey which showed that "Necromorph" is considered a much cooler name by our core demographic.

ISAAC escapes from the NECROMORPHS and finds a PLASMA CUTTER, which is really a FANCY PISTOL. In the next room, there are MESSAGES WRITTEN IN BLOOD everywhere, because HORROR GAMES simply will not let that idea die.

ISAAC CLARKE

You know, if someone is wounded enough to lose this much blood, I doubt they could still get up that high to write a message.

DEVELOPER VISCERAL GAMES

You try making a Post-it dramatic then!

One of the MESSAGES tells ISAAC to CUT OFF THEIR LIMBS.

ISAAC CLARKE

Right, so I kill these things by cutting off their limbs. I already gathered from all the previews using strategic dismemberment as a marketing tool.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, don't bother shooting them in the head! Go for the limbs!

ISAAC CLARKE

Limbs, cutting off, thanks.

AUDIO LOG

Everybody, shoot off their limbs! It's the only way to kill them! Rip them off completely, like this game does to Event Horizon!

ISAAC CLARKE

Yeah okay, I think I --

TRAINING MESSAGE

Conserve ammo by dismembering enemy limbs and doing extra damage.

ISAAC CLARKE

JESUS FUCK, I GET IT!

ISAAC DISMEMBERS several SLASHER NECROMORPHS, who all drop ITEMS when they die.

ISAAC CLARKE

Ugh, how are these things still carrying around ammunition and health packs? Between their skin folds?

KENDRA DANIELS

There's no point in looking too much into that. Even those tentacle babies somehow have supplies on them. But on the upside, you can use that to see when enemies have actually died, because some of them tend to fake it.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, repair the tram system so we can get around the ship. Once you do, I'll help you find Nicole.

ISAAC CLARKE

I'm an engineer, it's my job to fix problems. You don't have to leverage my anxiety over my wife's safety to blackmail me into doing it.

KENDRA DANIELS

GIRLFRIEND!

ISAAC fixes the TRAM SYSTEM.

KENDRA DANIELS

Now I'll need the Captain's login to gain access to the ship's systems. He's in the morgue.

ZACH HAMMOND

What's he doing there?

KENDRA DANIELS

Oh I don't know, being dead? Idiot.

ZACH HAMMOND

Don't worry about our constant bickering, Isaac. It's just our way of providing the character drama you seem incapable of creating for yourself.

INT. MEDICAL DECK - USG ISHIMURA

ISAAC enters the MEDICAL DECK.

ZACH HAMMOND

Look, there's a kinesis module. It allows you to pick up and throw heavy objects.

ISAAC CLARKE

Oh neat, a gravity gun.

ZACH HAMMOND

No, kinesis module! It's a kinesis module.

The ENTRANCE to the MORGUE has been crudely BARRICADED.

ZACH HAMMOND

You'll have to MacGyver some kind of bomb to punch through this barricade.

ISAAC CLARKE

Really? It has holes big enough for me to crawl through. And I'm carrying industrial cutting tools that function exactly like weapons! AND I JUST GOT A KINESIS MODULE!

ZACH HAMMOND

No, there's clearly a transparent outline of a bomb attached to the barricade, so we'll go with that.

ISAAC heads into the CLINIC. He fashions a THERMITE BOMB, which burns its way through the BARRICADE while he stands RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

ISAAC CLARKE

Well, that's not how thermite works at all.

Eventually, ISAAC finds the CAPTAIN'S BODY, but a FLESH BAT flies in and turns it into a SLASHER NECROMORPH.

DEVELOPER VISCERAL GAMES

Note that you can hear your own heartbeat. This means you have to be scared out of your mind.

ISAAC CLARKE

I'm more startled, really.

ISAAC kills the SLASHER and retrieves the LOGIN.

ZACH HAMMOND

Good, now we can access the ship's systems. Oh wait, this computer is printing out a list of problems to fix. Better take a tram over to the engineering deck.

INT. ENGINEERING DECK - USG ISHIMURA

The ENGINEERING DECK has WALLS lined with PROTRUDING SPIKES, which makes for a REALLY SAFE WORKING ENVIRONMENT.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, somebody shut down the Ishimura's engines and now her orbit is decaying! You need to reconnect the fuel lines!

ISAAC CLARKE

Wait, if I know my horror movies, then I'm assuming that we're blundering in and fixing things which were intentionally disabled or otherwise sabotaged in order to stop this invasion from spreading. That means we're the people that audiences tend to actively boo.

ZACH HAMMOND

Use your kinesis module to activate the fuel pumps.

ISAAC CLARKE

Why would they limit the operation of the pumps to those who have kinesis modules when any set of working hands would do the trick?

ZACH HAMMOND

I wouldn't bother asking questions about the work ethics on a ship where the employees have to buy their own equipment.

ISAAC starts up the ENGINES.

ZACH HAMMOND

Good. Now meet me on the bridge.

INT. BRIDGE - USG ISHIMURA

ISAAC meets with HAMMOND.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, the asteroid field will destroy this ship unless you can activate its defences! You'll have to reroute the power through three junction boxes that couldn't be located any further apart from each other.

When ISAAC heads back across the BRIDGE, a BRUTE NECROMORPH crashes through a DOOR from a ROOM that has NO OTHER EXIT.

BRUTE NECROMORPH

I AM HUGE AND LOUD AND THEREFORE INTIMIDATING AND SCARY! ALSO, I COULDN'T PUNCH THROUGH THAT WINDOW EARLIER BUT THIS METAL DOOR WAS NO TROUBLE AT ALL!

After killing the BRUTE, ISAAC engages the first two JUNCTION BOXES.

ZACH HAMMOND

The last junction box is on the other side of this deck. You'll have to head out into the vacuum of space to get to it.

ISAAC CLARKE

Right, I won't even bother to ask how my suit is still pressurised after it's been repeatedly ripped, punctured, torn, and slashed.

ISAAC opens the AIRLOCK and finds himself on the OUTSIDE of the ISHIMURA.

TRAINING MESSAGE

The counter on your back indicates your oxygen reserves depleting. I will momentarily hold you in place to illustrate this.

ISAAC CLARKE

LET ME GO! HNNNNUH!

After making it across, ISAAC approaches the third JUNCTION BOX.

ISAAC CLARKE

Wait, I've now cornered myself at the far end of a room with loads of death traps. I just know pushing this button will magically send in a bunch of Necromorphs.

He DOES, and it DOES.

SLASHER NECROMORPH

RRRAAAAAAHHH DID YOU JUST PUSH A BUTTON BECAUSE WE HATE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT!

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, the asteroids have just decided to simultaneously fling themselves at the ship! Manually operate the one defence cannon that didn't come on-line!

ISAAC CLARKE

How does that work?

ZACH HAMMOND

Haven't you ever played Asteroids? Shoot at the rocks to break them up in smaller chunks, then shoot at the chunks to make them disappear completely.

ISAAC does this until the CANNON takes over for him.

ZACH HAMMOND

Right, I'm all out of problems that need fixing.

KENDRA DANIELS

It's my turn now? Alright, let's see here.

(beat)

A huge creature is infecting our oxygen supply! There's some poison on the medical deck you can use to kill it. Go there now.

ISAAC CLARKE

But I've already been there.

KENDRA DANIELS

I know, but every locked door you came across the first time will now be opened, and vice-versa.

INT. MEDICAL DECK - USG ISHIMURA

The MEDICAL DECK now has SCENTED CANDLES all over the place.

KENDRA DANIELS

Double back across this level five or six times to formulate the poison.

ISAAC meets CHALLUS MERCER.

CHALLUS MERCER

Hello there. If the array of candles everywhere hasn't tipped you off yet, I'm batfuck crazy. Your struggle is futile! The Necromorphs are humanity's divine retribution and the next stage of evolution!

ISAAC CLARKE

Wait, which is it? Those two are sort of mutually exclusive.

CHALLUS MERCER

I don't know, the developers just cobbled together some generic dialogue to give my insanity a background. Now fight a Necromorph that I designed. It will constantly regenerate every limb you cut off!

ISAAC CLARKE

Wouldn't that make it smaller every time it regenerates?

CHALLUS MERCER

Hah, that'd be hilarious! But no.

MERCER releases the HUNTER NECROMORPH, which immediately chases ISAAC. He EVADES it and eventually FORMULATES the POISON.

KENDRA DANIELS

Now head for the hydroponics deck, which no spaceship would be complete without.

INT. HYDROPONICS DECK - USG ISHIMURA

KENDRA DANIELS

The creature has holed up in food storage. Introduce the poison to the ventilation system to kill it.

ISAAC CLARKE

The entrance seems to be locked.

KENDRA DANIELS

Oh right, then there's probably a drawn-out set of lesser objectives you have to complete first.

After doing that, ISAAC injects the POISON.

KENDRA DANIELS

Oh no, it didn't work! Please ignore the fact that the objective that warranted the previous level has now been rendered utterly meaningless. Get in there and kill it!

ISAAC enters FOOD STORAGE, which contains a HUGE SPHINCTER with TENTACLES that shoots HEMORRHOIDS at him.

ISAAC CLARKE

Grody.

After KILLING the SPHINCTER, ISAAC heads for the MINING DECK.

INT. MINING DECK - USG ISHIMURA

The DOOR to the MINING DECK is on STAND-BY, because there is still EXPOSITION being delivered.

KENDRA DANIELS

We need to send out a distress call.

ISAAC CLARKE

Yes, let's disregard the fact that it was a distress call that started this whole mess for us. Alright, just point me to the nearest communication remote signal console network grid array.

KENDRA DANIELS

Actually, you'll have to find a distress beacon, attach it to an asteroid in storage, and then jettison it into space.

ISAAC CLARKE

Right, because why go for simple when you can have needlessly complicated?

ISAAC heads into the MINING DECK.

KENDRA DANIELS

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

ISAAC CLARKE

Did you just seriously fucking say that? Tell me, are you comfortable in your little office where you're not being regularly confronted with horrors that would reduce a man to a mere shadow of his former self?

Along the way, ISAAC suddenly runs into NICOLE.

ISAAC CLARKE

Honey, you're alive! I will react in no meaningful way to this!

NICOLE BRENNAN

Isaac. Make us whole again.

ISAAC CLARKE

I love you too? Was that what you were saying?

NICOLE BRENNAN

Don't worry, I'll be making plenty more of these mystifying appearances. So bye for now!

ISAAC recovers the DISTRESS BEACON and glues it to an ASTEROID. After JETTISONING it into SPACE, ISAAC takes a TRAM back to the BRIDGE.

INT. BRIDGE - USG ISHIMURA

The FLOOR is covered with an ORGANIC GROWTH. ISAAC carefully walks over it.

ISAAC CLARKE

Who did the motion capture for this walking animation? A woman in high heels tiptoeing through mud?

KENDRA DANIELS

A military ship, the USM Valor, has just responded to the distress beacon. They should be here any minute.

ISAAC CLARKE

Imminent rescue? Again, if I know my horror movies --

The USM VALOR appears and CRASHES into the side of the ISHIMURA.

ISAAC CLARKE

There we go.

ZACH HAMMOND

Isaac, the Valor wasn't on a rescue mission! These soldiers are here to Black Mesa us to death!

ISAAC CLARKE

Ah, fighting soldiers instead of Necromorphs. That'll be a refreshing change.

ZACH HAMMOND

Oh no wait, a single Slasher has somehow infected the entire crew of the Valor, even though only those flesh bats have been shown to do that.

ISAAC CLARKE

Well, that's probably for the best. Those soldiers wouldn't have presented much of a challenge if one Slasher managed to kill them all, even when they were prepared for battle. I suppose this eliminates any need for me to go into the Valor?

ZACH HAMMOND

There's a shuttle we can use to get off the Ishimura, but it's missing a flux capacitor. We can probably salvage one from --

ISAAC CLARKE

-- the Valor, got it.

INT. USM VALOR

Once aboard the VALOR, ISAAC is contacted by TERRENCE KYNE.

TERRENCE KYNE

Mr. Clarke, there isn't much time, but still enough to specifically state that there isn't much time. I'm a scientist who has studied the Necromorphs. You need to find the Marker and return it to the pedestal! It's an artifact that can suppress the Hive Mind, the being that is controlling them!

ISAAC CLARKE

The who in the what now? Why does everything have to be so fucking convoluted?

TERRENCE KYNE

Trust me, this is just the start. In a couple of hours, you'll be wishing we kept things this simple. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to talk to my wife Amelia who isn't there.

Eventually, ISAAC finds the FLUX CAPACITOR. He then runs into HAMMOND, who is being chased by a BRUTE NECROMORPH.

ZACH HAMMOND

Even though I specifically instructed you on how to deal with this type of Necromorph, I'm going to fight it off by doing the exact opposite! BLUUUURGH!

HAMMOND is KILLED. ISAAC gets off the VALOR and heads for the SHUTTLE BAY.

INT. CREW DECK - USG ISHIMURA

Upon entering the CREW DECK, ISAAC finds a ROOM filled with CORPSES.

ISAAC CLARKE

I will honour the memories of these poor souls by painstakingly stomping off all their limbs so they can't be turned into Necromorphs.

(stomp)

Rest easy, friend.

(stomp)

This hurts me more.

(stomp)

I do what I must.

KENDRA DANIELS

How exactly are you doing that?

ISAAC CLARKE

No idea. Apparently my engineering degree has also taught me exactly where to stomp on a limb in order to cleanly shear it off.

ISAAC attempts to access the SHUTTLE BAY, but it is LOCKED.

CHALLUS MERCER

Hah! To thwart your progress, I have disabled the shuttle by removing its three navigation cards! And instead of, say, destroying them, I've scattered them in three remote locations! Engineer your way out of that one.

ISAAC CLARKE

Will each location feature a unique hazard of some sort?

CHALLUS MERCER

Of course! It was no problem for me, since I can somehow move around the ship without being killed by Necromorphs.

ISAAC laboriously retrieves the THREE NAVIGATION CARDS.

CHALLUS MERCER

Goddamnit. I guess I'll just sic my experiment on you again. Go get 'em, boy!

HUNTER NECROMORPH

Growl.

ISAAC test fires the SHUTTLE'S ENGINES and INCINERATES the HUNTER.

CHALLUS MERCER

Goddamnit! I'll let myself be turned into a Necromorph then.

ISAAC kills the FLESH BAT before it can turn MERCER into a NECROMORPH.

CHALLUS MERCER

GODDAMNIT!

(dies)

TERRENCE KYNE

Good work, Mr. Clarke. Now I will pilot the shuttle while you retrieve the Marker. What's that, Amelia? No, I know where I'm going, I don't need to stop and ask for directions!

INT. FLIGHT DECK - USG ISHIMURA

ISAAC finds the MARKER and loads it onto the SHUTTLE. KYNE gets out and is suddenly SHOT by KENDRA, who then steals the SHUTTLE.

TERRENCE KYNE

(arms outstretched)

Alas, I die. Amelia! Don't go! Stay with me, my love.

ISAAC CLARKE

Yeah, you can make your death scene as tragic and dramatic as you want, I'm still going to make your corpse flop around comically when I walk over it.

KYNE FLOPS OVER.

KENDRA DANIELS

Hah, I have betrayed you! And even though there's absolutely no need for me to do so, I'm still going to conveniently explain the backstory and summarise the plot up to this point!

(deep breath)

The Marker is a reverse-engineered copy of the original that was uncovered on Earth hundreds of years ago. Scientists placed it on Aegis 7 to test its effects, which created the Necromorph outbreak. There's also some shit about the Marker causing mass dementia and being worshipped as a divine relic by a church called Unitology, but I'm not going to draw another breath for all that.

ISAAC CLARKE

Jeez, this whole story comes across as the result of a contest where the writers constantly had to top each other with increasingly ridiculous revelations.

NICOLE BRENNAN

Isaac! I have recalled the shuttle! Oh and make us whole again and all that crap.

ISAAC and NICOLE get aboard the SHUTTLE and fly it down to the COLONY.

EXT. COLONY - AEGIS 7

NICOLE BRENNAN

Return the Marker to the pedestal, Isaac. And don't mind the fact that I want the same thing as the guy who was hallucinating his dead wife.

ISAAC drags the MARKER onto the PEDESTAL. It does SOMETHING which kills all nearby NECROMORPHS.

NICOLE BRENNAN

Thank you, Isaac. We are whole again.

NICOLE vanishes into THIN AIR. KENDRA appears.

KENDRA DANIELS

The Marker is alive, Isaac. It wants to suppress the Hive Mind, and it does this by creating hallucinations of people's dead loved ones to manipulate them into doing it. Nicole's been dead all along. Here's the other half of her distress call which you never watched for some reason.

The DISTRESS CALL shows that NICOLE had already COMMITTED SUICIDE before ISAAC'S ARRIVAL.

KENDRA DANIELS

Now I will remove the Marker from its pedestal, even though it's the only thing keeping the Necromorphs at bay.

ISAAC CLARKE

Wait, I had to drag that thing while manually operating doors and bridges. How the fuck are you making it move all on its own?

KENDRA DANIELS

Probably the same reason I made it here using only a tiny pistol while you've had to dismember Necromorphs all over the place. Convenience.

ISAAC CLARKE

Ow, I think I just broke my hand from facepalming so hard.

When ISAAC returns to the SHUTTLE, the HIVE MIND uses its TENTACLE to pick off KENDRA with GREAT ACCURACY and SMOOSH her. It then reveals itself IN FULL.

HIVE MIND

Now I could do the same thing to you, but instead I'm going to smash my tentacles at you in easily predictable intervals and locations. All while exposing the luminescent organs I'm not already wearing on the outside of my body, naturally.

ISAAC kills the HIVE MIND, gets aboard the SHUTTLE and TAKES OFF. Once in OUTER SPACE, he removes his HELMET.

ISAAC CLARKE

Whew, what an ordeal. Now that my face is visible, I'll have to do some genuine emoting.

ISAAC sets his FACE to WISTFUL REFLECTION. He is then attacked by a SEQUEL HOOK.

THE END