Condemned: Criminal Origins - The Movie

Must...not...punch...reflection!
Must...not...punch...reflection!

FADE IN:

EXT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT OFFICE BUILDING

ETHAN THOMAS, a CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR, arrives at a CRIME SCENE which he has to INVESTIGATE.

ETHAN THOMAS

Hey, I'm being voiced by Greg Grunberg.

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

Yeah, we thought we'd throw some work his way. It's been a while since J.J. Abrams needed to cast a lovable oaf.

ETHAN enters the BUILDING and finds a DEAD WOMAN opposite a MANNEQUIN.

ETHAN THOMAS

Ah, a dramatically staged murder scene drenched in symbolism. Clearly we're just waiting for Morgan Freeman to come along.

ANGEL ROSA

I'm also black!

(beat)

Hello, I'm a lab geek. I'll use jargonistic mumbo jumbo to analyse the clues you send me. You can then repeat back my findings in layman's terms so everyone will understand.

ETHAN THOMAS

I actually have to do the forensic work?

ANGEL ROSA

Don't worry, the whole thing comes down to nothing more than a game of point-and-click.

ETHAN highlights some MARKS on the victim's NECK.

ANGEL ROSA

Trauma point indicates bruise intensity around the cervical region.

ETHAN THOMAS

Meaning she was strangled! Hmm, this looks to be the work of the Match Maker. Luckily there's never a shortage of serial killers with a flair for the theatrical so we can give them fitting names.

During his INVESTIGATION, ETHAN hears NOISES.

ETHAN THOMAS

The killer might still be in the building! I'm going after him.

ANGEL ROSA

Wait, you're a forensic investigator! You have no business chasing after people with a gun!

ETHAN THOMAS

Sorry, but I've seen all the CSI shows, and those guys get to do everything.

ETHAN is CORNERED by SOME GUY who STEALS his GUN, uses it to KILL TWO POLICEMEN, and then THROWS him out of a WINDOW.

ETHAN THOMAS

Damn you, CSI!

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT APARTMENT

ETHAN wakes up in his APARTMENT, where an OLD MAN was watching him as he SLEPT.

ETHAN THOMAS

Okay, weirded out over here. Who the hell are you?

MALCOLM VANHORN

I am Malcolm Vanhorn. You have been framed for the murders of those policemen. I suggest you prove your innocence by finding the real killer.

ETHAN THOMAS

Cool, being wrongfully accused pretty much gives me a blank cheque to commit all sorts of crimes only to clear my name.

MALCOLM VANHORN

Also, those visions you've been having are part of your preternatural instincts that you'll have to come to terms with over the course of the game. It's the easiest way of giving a character depth: superpowers he doesn't want.

ETHAN THOMAS

How do you know all this?

MALCOLM VANHORN

I have no idea. I'm just trying to come off as mysterious because the developers neglected to properly explain my role in all this. Now run!

ETHAN evades the COPS and heads into a SUBWAY STATION.

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT SUBWAY STATION

ROSA contacts ETHAN by PHONE.

ANGEL ROSA

I'll help you find the Match Maker, Ethan. They haven't suspended your lab access yet. They'll only get to that once there's absolutely no more crime scenes to investigate.

ETHAN THOMAS

It doesn't matter, since I'm getting these visions that blatantly point out exactly what I need to know.

ANGEL ROSA

Nonsense, you still need a sounding board for your findings. What, were you thinking of going for an inner monologue?

ETHAN THOMAS

Fuck no, I'll leave that to Max Payne.

ANGEL ROSA

Good. Also, be careful around here. All the people in this part of town have recently been going into wanton murderous rages.

ETHAN THOMAS

And somehow they all still manage to single me out.

ANGEL ROSA

They've also forgotten how to speak, allowing the developers to forgo writing any secondary dialogue and just madly scream into a microphone.

ETHAN comes across a PADLOCKED DOOR.

ANGEL ROSA

You'll need to find a sledgehammer to bash open that padlock.

ETHAN THOMAS

But I have a crowbar right here. Isn't it easier to just pry it off?

ANGEL ROSA

No. You clearly need a sledgehammer.

ETHAN THOMAS

You know, dressing up the whole "gold key silver key" thing is all well and good, but this level of specificity actually calls attention to it.

ANGEL ROSA

Here comes a sledgehammer now! It's in the hands of a crazed hobo who wants to beat you to death with it!

CRAZED HOBO

Aaaarrnnhh! Gruugh hffrooah aaagroowp!

ETHAN THOMAS

Good thing that self-defence is such an elastic rationalisation for mass murder.

ETHAN SELF-DEFENDS the HOBO to DEATH and gets past the DOOR. He finds a ROOM that overlooks his APARTMENT.

ETHAN THOMAS

There's all these newspaper articles and photographs of me here.

ANGEL ROSA

(CSI)

Pressure has been applied with a stylus.

ETHAN THOMAS

That means somebody wrote on them! What kind of sick, twisted freak are we tracking?

ANGEL ROSA

Collect a DNA sample so we can find out. I'll rush it through the lab so we should have a result in a couple of days. Hopefully it'll be conclusive enough to build a case.

ETHAN THOMAS

You want to try that one again?

ANGEL ROSA

Oh -- I mean, I instantaneously have the irrefutable results! It's not the Match Maker!

The KILLER flees into the SUBWAY TUNNELS. ETHAN chases him.

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT SUBWAY TUNNEL

The KILLER gets onto a SUBWAY CAR. ETHAN hops on a PLATFORM that's dragged along RIDICULOUSLY FAST, yet manages to HOLD ON SOMEHOW. Then he FALLS OFF anyways.

ETHAN THOMAS

I am suspiciously unharmed. Probably another superpower I should scoff at.

The TUNNELS are inhabited by a bunch of ZOMBIES AND WITCHES FROM LEFT 4 DEAD who use CRAZY ACROBATICS to get around.

ETHAN THOMAS

Man, why are you guys skulking in dark tunnels? You could make a killing in Cirque Du Soleil with those contortionist moves.

Eventually, ETHAN finds some MANNEQUIN PARTS.

ANGEL ROSA

It seems our killer is going after the Match Maker.

ETHAN THOMAS

Now where might one find an abundance of mannequins?

ANGEL ROSA

How about a department store that was abandoned during the holidays, allowing its Christmas cheer to contrast with its current state of decay?

ETHAN THOMAS

That'll do!

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT DEPARTMENT STORE

ETHAN enters the DEPARTMENT STORE and hallucinates that the MANNEQUINS are GANGING UP ON HIM.

ETHAN THOMAS

Truly, horror is at its most effective when inserted into the familiar workaday world.

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

Hey, we made F.E.A.R., remember? You should be lucky to walk down a corridor that we don't immediately turn into walls of blood.

ETHAN finds a DRAMATICALLY POSED CORPSE and determines it to be the MATCH MAKER.

ETHAN THOMAS

Meet me at the library, Rosa. We need to look up some information that isn't otherwise available to you, even though you're sitting in an FBI lab. On that note, I hope you've got a character model lying around.

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT LIBRARY

ETHAN meets up with ROSA.

ANGEL ROSA

Everything alright, Ethan?

ETHAN THOMAS

Oh sure. Just having visions of some nightmarish creature assaulting you.

ANGEL ROSA

That'll be your anxiety about my inability to defend myself, indicating that you'll have to protect me while we search for clues.

ETHAN THOMAS

Oh God no.

ETHAN and ROSA traverse the LIBRARY and find that the SERIAL KILLERS that ETHAN has investigated are DEAD.

ETHAN THOMAS

That means our guy is a serial killer killing other serial killers. He's killing them in the same way they kill their victims! Killing killer kill killed!

ANGEL ROSA

It looks like a gym teacher at a local high school is involved in this.

ETHAN THOMAS

I trust it's an abandoned and decrepit school?

ANGEL ROSA

Did you even pay attention to this game's title? At least it puts less strain on the level designers. They can pretty much run with putting dirty_wall.png everywhere.

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT SCHOOL

When approaching the SCHOOL, ETHAN randomly runs into MALCOLM VANHORN.

ETHAN THOMAS

What are you doing here?

MALCOLM VANHORN

Oh you know. Just being mysterious. Please, carry on.

ETHAN enters the SCHOOL.

ETHAN THOMAS

Ah, the first environment that actually excuses the occasional firearm lying around. Hey-oooooo!

He is accosted by LUNCH LADY DORIS. After KILLING HER, he finds that the GYM TEACHER has been MURDERED.

ANGEL ROSA

Poor guy. Now, using a set of clues completely unrelated to him, I've determined that the killer is operating from an apple orchard outside of town.

MALCOLM VANHORN

Come on, I'll drive you there mysteriously!

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT FARMHOUSE

ETHAN enters the FARMHOUSE.

ANGEL ROSA

It seems the killer has left an elaborate series of cryptic clues for no reason other than to lead you right to him.

Using his UV LIGHT, ETHAN traces a bunch of SQUIGGLY LINES.

ETHAN THOMAS

I'm sorry, but there's nobody who doesn't think I'm following trails of semen right now.

The LINES eventually lead ETHAN to the KILLER, who turns out to be LELAND VANHORN.

MALCOLM VANHORN

Come to your senses, Leland who is my nephew!

LELAND VANHORN

No, it's not fair! I've channelled my homicidal urges to kill only other killers, and I'm still the villain! How the fuck does that Dexter guy get away with being so goddamn sympathetic?

LELAND knocks out MALCOLM and ETHAN.

INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT BARN

ETHAN is TIED UP with LELAND facing him.

ETHAN THOMAS

I guess this is where you tell me that we're not so different, you and I?

LELAND VANHORN

I think I'll just go with an overly smug elaboration on my actions and motives instead. So I was watching you in order to track and kill the serial killers you were investigating. You do know that means I've beaten the FBI to all of them, despite indirectly working off the exact same evidence, right?

ETHAN THOMAS

Please, the FBI can't even find me, and I've been incessantly using my phone. To call the FBI.

LELAND VANHORN

Now, even though I cut off the Match Maker's right index finger, I'm going to cut off your left index finger instead! You know, just in case you still need to pull a trigger later on.

He DOES.

ETHAN THOMAS

AAAH I WILL HOLD OUT MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT MY FINGER HAS INDEED BEEN CUT OFF!

MALCOLM then tackles LELAND and frees ETHAN.

MALCOLM VANHORN

Hurry, Ethan! You must end all this evil by destroying its convenient physical manifestation!

ETHAN chases A REJECT FROM THE TEKKEN ROSTER and KILLS IT.

ETHAN THOMAS

So it's over now, right? That eskrima guy was what's been haunting me in my visions?

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

Uhmm -- no. Fight that same guy a couple more times and then there's this totally different guy with more metal bits taped to his face. That one you'll have to fight in a creepy forest backdrop.

ETHAN THOMAS

If these things can warp my sense of reality, why do they still fight me by hitting me with sticks?

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

What, you'd rather have an entirely new gameplay mechanic just for a final battle? Like what, shouting him to death? Please, that'd be fucking ridiculous.

ETHAN kills METAL MOUTH. When MALCOLM drives him home, he discovers LELAND in the trunk of the CAR.

ETHAN THOMAS

Pull over! I'm going to kill him!

MALCOLM VANHORN

No, Ethan! Don't give in! You have a choice!

ETHAN hesitates. Despite being BOUND and GAGGED, LELAND suddenly produces a GUN out of his ASS and COMMITS SUICIDE.

ETHAN THOMAS

A serial killer killing other serial killers has just killed himself. There's some weird circular irony to that.

INT. CHEERFUL, WELL-LIT DINER

Having been DISCHARGED from the FBI, ETHAN meets with ROSA.

ETHAN THOMAS

I suppose now we briefly recount what happened and try to make sense of it all?

ANGEL ROSA

I suggest we leave everything unexplained. At least that'll keep people moderately intrigued.

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

Actually, we're really saving those plot points for the sequel.

ETHAN THOMAS

There's a sequel? What happens to me?

DEVELOPER MONOLITH

You succumb to crippling alcoholism and turn into one of the bums you've been fighting.

LELAND VANHORN

And I'm not really dead!

ETHAN THOMAS

Now I need a drink.

(beat)

Oh fuck!

THE END

Further reading: 

Comments

I think you've got a typo in the third section. The name reads as Angel Rosa three times in the ensuing conversation after "ETHAN comes across a PADLOCKED DOOR.". "INT. ABANDONED, DECREPIT SUBWAY STATION ... ETHAN comes across a PADLOCKED DOOR. ANGEL ROSA You’ll need to find a sledgehammer to bash open that padlock. ANGEL ROSA But I have a crowbar right here. Isn’t it easier to just pry it off? ANGEL ROSA No. You clearly need a sledgehammer."

So you dedicated an entire script to nitpicking a video game. I know this is like a year old but PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

@simisatz So you took the time to comment on a year-old script and call it "nitpicking" On a site dedicated to humorous scripts about video games And you think you have the right to be laughing? PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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