FADE IN:

EXT. BACKALLEY - SHANGHAI

LYNCH, who has been living in SHANGHAI for three years, contacts KANE to help him with an ARMS DEAL.

LYNCH

Kane, welcome to Shanghai. Please illustrate that you still hate my fucking guts by refusing to shake my hand.

KANE

Christ, what's with the visuals? Everything looks like someone got drunk and used a shitty camera to record everything off a monitor that's playing the game at 640x480.

LYNCH

I think it's a trick to make people who pirated this game think they accidentally downloaded a shaky cam capture of an E3 gameplay video.

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

Actually, we couldn't get the characters and environments to look realistic on their own, so we made up a different concept of realism based on everyone with a camera phone thinking they're Stanley Fucking Kubrick. We call it the "YouTube aesthetic," and we can generally attribute every shortcoming to it.

KANE

The "YouTube aesthetic?" That's the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard.

LYNCH

Let's go, Kane. The arms deal is being set up by a British stereotype, but before we can meet him, we have to go kill a guy named Brady to set up the other part of the plot.

KANE

Wait, why do you get to order me around?

LYNCH

You didn't read the script? I'm the protagonist now. People must've liked me better, which doesn't really explain why the mental problems that made my character even remotely interesting are all gone now.

KANE

You got a script? I just got a napkin that says "Swear a lot."

They find BRADY, who uses his GIRLFRIEND as a HUMAN SHIELD. She is SHOT, after which BRADY cuts his own THROAT.

KANE

If I had even the slightest shred of common sense, I would back out of this whole thing right now.

LYNCH

The fact that you came here when asked by a total fuckup like myself clearly shows that you don't.

EXT. FREEWAY - SHANGHAI

KANE and LYNCH meet with GLAZER, who looks like THE SIX FLAGS GUY. They get in a CAR and drive to NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR.

KANE

So which stereotype are you? The haughty and controlled Brit or the boorish and vulgar Brit?

GLAZER

I fuckin' love Shanghai! You can get your hair washed and a shag for fifteen pence! Bloody brilliant!

KANE

Of course, because I doubt the other stereotype would want to be associated with someone like Lynch.

GLAZER

Now, I'm setting up a deal to supply some African country with weapons so Ubisoft Montréal can use it as the setting for a game infinitely better than this one.

The CAR is then AMBUSHED by a random assortment of THUGS.

GLAZER

Oh no! Even though I'm supposed to be a mercenary who traffics in illegal arms, I absolutely refuse to pick up a gun! So protect me while I run around like a headless chicken!

KANE and LYNCH manage to escort GLAZER to safety.

GLAZER

This ambush was arranged by a local gangster named Hsing. Go square things with him so the deal can go ahead as planned.

INT. SWEATSHOP - SHANGHAI

A couple of GLAZER'S MEN accompany KANE and LYNCH as they find HSING.

HSING

I didn't send those thugs to kill Glazer, you two were the target. That girl you killed was the daughter of Shangsi, one of Shanghai's most powerful men. He hired me to take you guys out.

(consults napkin)

That's it, there's nothing else here. I guess that's the whole setup for the rest of the game.

KANE

Wow, a cycle of revenge. How shockingly original.

HSING escapes and GLAZER'S MEN start firing on KANE and LYNCH, who in turn KILL them.

KANE

That was close. What do we do now?

LYNCH

We need to lay low, so I suggest we do that by going to a public restaurant while holding on to our weapons.

INT. RESTAURANT - SHANGHAI

While they are eating, KANE and LYNCH are attacked by RIOT POLICE.

LYNCH

Hah, these cops in full body armour are no match for my health-regenerating wifebeater!

KANE

Why am I seeing little X marks appearing on people's bodies where I shoot them?

LYNCH

I guess they're meant to cover up the utter lack of pain animations.

They escape the RESTAURANT.

KANE

How come the cops are suddenly after us?

LYNCH

Shangsi's got the police force in his pocket. That means every cop is dirty and we shouldn't feel bad about murdering a shitload of them.

KANE

Technically, these cops are just innocently following orders. Only their superiors are dirty for taking Shangsi's money.

LYNCH

Remind me again how many cops you killed in the previous game?

KANE

Forget I said anything.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - SHANGHAI

KANE and LYNCH head for an APARTMENT BUILDING to rescue LYNCH'S GIRLFRIEND, XIU.

LYNCH

I have to find Xiu! She's all I got to give my actions a relatable motivation!

KANE

(gravely)

Lynch, if you love her, stay away.

LYNCH

Really? Relationship advice from the guy who kept getting his own family involved in his misdeeds?

Eventually, they find XIU being held hostage by HSING.

XIU

Help me, Lynch!

KANE

Why is she calling you Lynch? You're not even on a first-name basis with your own fucking girlfriend? Come on, let's kill this guy.

LYNCH

No, we can't risk it! I look like Bill Bailey's unfunny brother, I'll never find someone else!

LYNCH knocks out KANE and surrenders himself to HSING.

EXT. STREETS - SHANGHAI

While XIU is raped and killed by a LOADING SCREEN, LYNCH wakes up in a DUMPSTER after being TORTURED. He kills HSING and frees KANE.

KANE

So now we're both naked, unarmed, and possibly dying from blood loss. Surely a different gameplay mechanic will be introduced to accommodate all that.

LYNCH

No, here's a weapon. Now let's do the exact same thing we've been doing the entire fucking time.

KANE

Can I have something other than a shotgun? They sound like a desk stapler.

They run through the STREETS with their PIXELS HANGING OUT.

LYNCH

We have to find some clothes!

KANE

Why don't we just strip them off some of the people we just killed?

LYNCH

No, we need to find comically ill-fitting clothes, like hoodies and sweatpants.

They do, and end up looking like HIPSTERS.

KANE

Look, I need this arms deal. Let's go meet Glazer. I'm sure he's not at all suspicious as to why the men he sent with us to find Hsing never reported back.

LYNCH

(slumps down)

What's the point, Kane? Why do people around us keep dying?

KANE

Maybe because we keep killing them? This is no time to get all existential.

EXT. DRYDOCK - SHANGHAI

KANE and LYNCH meet with GLAZER, who of course BETRAYS them.

GLAZER

I've sold you out to Shangsi, naturally. The fact that you actually bothered to show up demonstrates how fucking idiotic you both are.

They move to COVER, which means they GLUE THEMSELVES TO WHATEVER WALL IS FACING THE ENEMY. After killing ALL OF GLAZER'S MEN, they finally CORNER him.

GLAZER

Wait, I have a plane! You can use it to get out of Shanghai!

GLAZER is suddenly SHOT by a MILITARY SNIPER, who inexplicably didn't target KANE and LYNCH first.

KANE

Now we have no choice but to get out of the city! I'm so tired of the refreshing technicolour of Shanghai's nightlife, so let's slog through the same generic warehouses and train yards that feature in every other goddamn game.

LYNCH

And are those environments all architecturally designed as open spaces littered with chest-high walls and connected by narrow hallways?

KANE

Every. Other. Goddamn. Game.

EXT. TRAIN YARD - SHANGHAI

KANE and LYNCH head through a TRAIN YARD that is occupied by SOLDIERS.

LYNCH

Surely this is why the game is set in China. It's all a commentary on the gross misappropriation of military resources in a climate of sociopolitical repression!

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

Yeah, that. And totally not so we can reasonably throw more faceless cannon fodder your way.

LYNCH

Kane, there's a train leaving! Let's get on it, because the best way out of the city is on a slow-moving vehicle that we have absolutely no control over!

More SOLDIERS ambush them and decide NOT TO KILL THEM.

EXT. SHANGSI BUILDING - SHANGHAI

A HELICOPTER is transporting KANE and LYNCH.

KANE

These soldiers have inexplicably neglected to restrain us. Let's take over this helicopter with the greatest of ease.

They take over the HELICOPTER with the greatest of ease and decide to STRAFE SHANGSI'S BUILDING.

LYNCH

Christ, I can't even tell what I'm shooting at.

KANE

Watch out, some of these employees have rocket launchers! And I thought American office workers were disgruntled.

Eventually, they CRASH the HELICOPTER on top of the BUILDING.

INT. SHANGSI BUILDING - SHANGHAI

After a FUCKING ENDLESS SHOOTOUT, they finally reach SHANGSI'S OFFICE, where he just STANDS AROUND without any guards.

KANE

Don't kill him, Lynch. We may need him.

SHANGSI

I am impressed, gentlemen.

KANE

You're impressed that we wrecked half the city, killed hundreds of people, and demolished your building? All after shooting your daughter, who by the way was going out with a criminal?

SHANGSI

I guess I just overcompensated for my crappy parenting job by enlisting the entire fucking army to kill you two.

LYNCH then SHOOTS SHANGSI.

LYNCH

Come on, everything was leading up to this. Are you still going to act all surprised and pissed off that I killed him?

KANE

Astonishingly, yes!

LYNCH

How about instead we worry about getting out of a collapsing building that's still swarming with cops.

A LOADING SCREEN conveniently transports them to the NEXT LEVEL.

EXT. AIRPORT - SHANGHAI

KANE and LYNCH enter the AIRPORT by the APPROACH LIGHTS, just so there can still be a MICHAEL MANN SET PIECE.

KANE

Wait, why am I suddenly in control now? Does this mean, because the series can clearly be led by either of us, that we're both really strong characters?

LYNCH

Nah, we're both equally weak.

They make their way over to a HANGAR where they find GLAZER'S PLANE, but it's PARTIALLY DISMANTLED.

KANE

Of course, how stupid of me to think that things would ever go our way.

LYNCH

You do know that there is absolutely no one rooting for us, right? We're the guys that are killed by regular gaming protagonists after the first level.

KANE

Hey, let's hijack a commercial airliner! I'm sure managing a planeful of innocent civilians will work out fine for two guys whose problems always seem to start with hostages dying.

LYNCH

Wait, there's no boss to fight here?

A pair of ATTACK DOGS runs up to them.

LYNCH

No fucking way.

KANE

Maybe the developers are desperately trying to show us that this game really does offer something different than shooting people. Namely shooting dogs.

DEVELOPER IO INTERACTIVE

AND HELICOPTERS! You shot helicopters too.

They get aboard the PLANE and it TAKES OFF.

LYNCH

Okay, if the previous game is anything to go by, we're now jetting off to an exotic locale for the second half of our misadventure.

The CREDITS start rolling instead.

LYNCH

NO FUCKING WAY!

KANE

This is the real crime here. A game this shitty actually managing to sell one million copies.

THE END