FADE IN:

INT. SLASHER FILM SET (OR IS IT?)

A MURDERER in a PIG MASK stalks through a HOUSE, stealthily MURDERING EVERYONE by STOMPING AROUND like a JACKASS and HITTING PEOPLE with a HAMMER.

RANDOM GUY

Hey, no fair! I’m punching you but it's not doing anything!

PIG MASK

It's my tutorial level, jackass.

RANDOM GUY

Well, that's hardly appropriate. It's not even teaching you about the most important button.

PIG MASK

What's that?

RANDOM GUY

The one that resets the level each of the billion times you die.

PIG MASK

Screw you, I breezed through the last game, I'm sure this one won't be pointlessly infuriating.

RANDOM GUY

Just you wait until the boss battles.

PIG MASK

The what now?

PIG MASK kills the RANDOM GUY and finds a WOMAN. He prepares to SEXUALLY ASSAULT HER.

WOMAN

Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute, those three quadrillion murders in the last game were all fine and dandy, but this seems a little fucked up, even by Quentin Tarantino standards. I'm pretty sure even Eli Roth draws the line at brutal depictions of rape.

PIG MASK

We've got to score some controversy points somehow. It's much easier than paying for ad space, you know.

DIRECTOR

And cut!

PIG MASK

See? This was all a movie! She wasn't actually in danger!

WOMAN

Huh. So I guess this is going to feed into a larger commentary on the fetishisation of violence in media, or perhaps a send-up of restrictive gender roles in video gaming, right?

PIG MASK

Yeah, something like that. Or maybe we just couldn't resist fucking with Anita Sarkeesian. It's so easy, you know?

INT. CRACK DEN

A bunch of BORED TEENAGERS sit around in ANIMAL MASKS, doing DRUGS and playing with WEAPONS.

ZEBRA MASK

Like all textured, well-written protagonists about to go on an important quest, I'm bored as balls. Bored bored bored. Who wants to go kill some drug dealers for no reason?

DROOGS

Kay.

ZEBRA MASK

And so begins our glorious journey.

They go to a DIFFERENT CRACK DEN and SLAUGHTER some RANDOM ASSHOLES who were JUST DEFENDING THEMSELVES.

ZEBRA MASK

So just to clarify, we're doing the exact same thing as the previous game, except with fewer options for special mask-based powers and even less motivation than "a guy on the phone told me to."

TIGER MASK

Hey, it's not ALL the same. For instance, you're a girl!

ZEBRA MASK

I'm a what? Where is this indicated?

TIGER MASK

Your hair is kind of long. And one half of the impossible-to-control goose-mask pair is also female. So this totally makes up for all the damsels and potential rape victims in this game, right?

ZEBRA MASK

We're the regular Gloria Steinem of gaming, alright. Let's go murder more murderers with murder.

They DO. Meanwhile...

INT. CRIME SCENE

DETECTIVE MANNY PARDO, who shares a NAME with a REAL-LIFE MIAMI COP who infamously went on a MURDER SPREE against several DRUG-DEALING GANGS, arrives at a RUN-DOWN WAREHOUSE with a bunch of DRUG DEALERS INSIDE GEE I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

MANNY PARDO

Knock knock!

DRUG DEALER

Who’s there?

MANNY PARDO

My fist!

DRUG DEALER

My fist who?

MANNY PARDO

My fist knocks you down and takes your gun and uses it to kill two of your friends and then I throw the gun at the third friend and take his bat and then hit him with his bat while he's still wriggling around on the ground and then I come back over and watch you scramble around trying to find something to arm yourself with before I knock you down and slowly bash your skull into the linoleum.

DRUG DEALER

(beat)

It's not the BEST joke I've ever heard.

MANNY PARDO

But it IS the last!

MANNY does ALL THOSE HORRIBLE THINGS.

DRUG DEALER

I would like to be read my Miranda Rights.

MANNY PARDO

Okay. You have the right to remain dead. Anything you say can and will be stabbed against you in a court of your skull. You have the right to a slow, agonising demise. Do you understand this pointless violence as it has been enacted upon you?

DRUG DEALER

(is chunks of meat)

MANNY PARDO

I love my job.

MANNY steps outside to find SHIT-TONS of COPS surrounding the BUILDING.

POLICE CHIEF

Damnit Manny, you're a loose cannon! I can't have detectives slaughtering drug dealers by the truckload! Seriously, I can't have this. Nothing about this is legal or okay.

MANNY PARDO

Screw you, boss. You don't have any authority over me! The law's crazy! This whole court's out of order!

POLICE CHIEF

I'll let this little mini-genocide go just this once. But so help me God, if you brutally torture just a couple hundred more gang bangers to death, I will absolutely say more mean things to you.

MANNY picks up a SEVERED DRUG DEALER ARM and uses it to FLIP OFF THE POLICE CHIEF.

INT. REDNECK’S APARTMENT

JAKE, a CONFEDERATE FLAG-SPORTING JUNKYARD WORKER who's so damn DIXIE he uses DOLLAR BILLS with ROBERT E. LEE on them, is waiting for a PHONE CALL.

JAKE

Oh boy oh boy oh boy! I can't wait! I've heard so much about this shadowy New World Order conspiracy group that seeks to manipulate the United States political discourse through their vast network of mask-wearing thugs! As an pro-freedom Southern good ol' boy, I can't think of one reason not to put my life on the line for someone else's shadowy political interests!

The phone RINGS and JAKE picks it up.

PHONE

Go to this place and kill these people.

JAKE

(beat)

That's it? We're still just retreading the previous game, note for note?

PHONE

Uhhh, I mean, go to this place, kill these people, and grab a briefcase!

JAKE

(squeals in delight)

Selecting one of three SNAKE MASKS, because apparently FEWER MASK OPTIONS is still the right way to go for a SEQUEL, JAKE goes to a PLACE, KILLS some PEOPLE, and TAKES A BRIEFCASE.

JAKE

Fightin’ the good fight! Yeehaw!

He goes to get a TATTOO saying "OL' DIXIE" to celebrate. SERIOUSLY.

INT. POLICE STATION

PIG MASK has surrendered to the POLICE in order to find his SEX SLAVE. Okay wait, was that a HALLUCINATION? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

INTERROGATOR

Look buddy, we've got you on murder in the first. And second and third and fourth and fifty billionth. Just tell us what we want to know and we'll, I don't know, uhh, cut you a deal? Maybe get your sentence down to sixteen millennia in prison rather than, say, until the heat death of the universe?

PIG MASK

You gonna answer that phone?

INTERROGATOR

What phone?

The TWILIGHT ZONE THEME swells in the background.

INTERROGATOR

Whoops, that's a knock on the door! Okay, Mr. Andre the Giant, I'm counting on you to keep your monumental, superhumanly strong ass in that chair, completely unrestrained, while I turn around and have a nice long chat with my cop buddy over there. Don't even think about doing anything crazy while I'm over there not watching you.

PIG MASK

Okay.

He answers his HALLUCINATION PHONE.

PHONE

Kill literally everyone in this area code.

PIG MASK

You make a compelling argument.

PIG MASK slaughters his way through the POLICE DEPARTMENT until he gets to his SEX SLAVE, who is GIVING A STATEMENT in another ROOM.

PIG MASK

Baby, come on, please take me back. I know I've been distant lately, but I can make it up to you.

WOMAN

No. Screw you. You're emotionally distant and I need things you just can't offer. Also, you're a murdering, kidnapping psychopath who makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like Mr. Rogers. Aaand I'm into latino guys.

PIG MASK

Look, this is just a rough patch, if you'd just talk to me I’m sure we could --

The WOMAN suddenly SHOOTS THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF HIM.

WOMAN

HAH! Not so helpless now, am I? My kick-ass female-empowerment story arc begins! I'm going to become a fully-fledged character, with my own thoughts and motivations and --

(disappears forever)

INT. TRIAL

REPORTER EVAN WRIGHT is sitting in the AUDIENCE during the TRIAL of JACKET from the FIRST GAME, thereby settling the question of whether or not JACKET’S ENDING was CANONICAL and rendering the BIKER’S ENDING completely POINTLESS.

PROSECUTION

Your honor, the defendant has been linked to approximately fifty kajillion --

(checks folder)

Sorry, one hundred kajillion murders in the past vague amount of time. We recommend the death penalty, preferably in a way that won't allow him to press the reset button and come back to life.

JUDGE

Do you have anything to say in your defense, Mr. Jacket?

JACKET

...

JUDGE

Yet another silent protagonist goes down. Jacket, you are hereby sentenced to not appear in this game anymore.

DEFENCE

Your honor, we request an exception for easter egg background appearances.

JUDGE

I'll allow it. Dismissed.

EVAN exist the courtroom and calls MANNY.

EVAN WRIGHT

Well, it looks like justice was served, eh old buddy?

MANNY PARDO

Pfft, what bullshit. If a man can't slaughter his way through half the population of China, I mean, what can he do? Damn legislative overreach.

EVAN WRIGHT

Feh, it's an awesome story either way. Speaking of stories, the lawyers mentioned something about a mob-owned club. Know anything about that?

MANNY PARDO

You don't want to go there. It's a non-lethal level.

EVAN WRIGHT

Fuck. Well, a job's a job.

INT. RUSSIAN CLUB

EVAN goes to the RUSSIAN MOB-OWNED CLUB.

DOORMAN

Papers, please.

EVAN WRIGHT

Wrong indie game.

DOORMAN

Fuck you then. Glory to Arstotzka.

EVAN taps the DOORMAN lightly on the CHEEK in frustration, causing him to EXPLODE INTO CHUNKS OF BONE FRAGMENTS AND BRAIN MATTER.

EVAN WRIGHT

Oh shit oh shit oh shit! Why? Why is everyone in this universe as structurally stable as a piñata?

(calms down)

Okay, instead of calling an ambulance or getting the fuck out of this club infested with Russian gangsters eager to avenge their fallen comrade, I'm going to plow right the hell in and do the usual Hotline thing. Except --

(sighs)

Without killing anyone, I guess.

True to his word, EVAN stomps around the CLUB, knocking PEOPLE'S TEETH OUT with LEAD BATS and shattering their LIMBS and SPINES with RANDOM HEAVY OBJECTS but technically NOT KILLING ANYONE.

MOB BOSS

What the actual fuck are you doing to my club?

EVAN WRIGHT

I have no idea!! I just wanted some -- information or something?

MOB BOSS

Well, you've put about a third of the population of Moscow in traction, which I respect for some reason. I shall give you this "information" you seek. Have a nice day!

EXT. HAWAII

We join the BEARDY GUY from the FIRST GAME who is hanging out in VIETNAM with the INGLORIOUS BASTARDS for some reason.

BEARD

Wait a second. This isn't Vietnam. This is fucking Hawaii. Why is this Hawaii?

COLONEL

You got to get to clearin' out the commie guerrillas, maggot.

BEARD

But this is, what, 1987 or something, right? Hawaii's a perfectly stable place. Just because it has jungles doesn't mean it's this lawless hellhole full of machete-wielding warlords.

COLONEL

It sure is right now. Pick a weapon. You can have a standard assault rifle, a way overpowered minigun, a useless sniper rifle, or a useless flamethrower that's still a lot of fun because LOL LOOK AT THE DEAD GUY BEING ALL SCREAMY!

BEARD kills some DAMN COMMUNISTS for a while.

BEARD

Okay. We've cleared all the Russians out of Hawaii. What the Russians were doing in Hawaii we're not even going to bother to explain, but anyway. Uhh, game over, I guess?

JACKET

...

BEARD

Whoa wait, you're here? And sans iconic jacket, I see.

JACKET

(gets blown the fuck up)

BEARD

As well as your indestructibility. Fuck. I guess it's time for a glorified escort mission. Seriously, who decided "sequel" meant "idea dumpster?"

BEARD drags JACKET'S LIFELESS ASS back to CAMP.

BEARD

So I guess that means I'm your old war buddy. Yet another intriguing mystery from the first game we've explained into oblivion.

JACKET

...

BEARD

You said it, buddy!

They LAUGH until a NUCLEAR BOMB destroys all of CIVILISATION WAIT ACTUALLY HANG ON WE NEED TO FLASH BACK TO --

INT. OLD LADY'S HOUSE

EVAN goes to some OLD LADY'S HOUSE in order to politely and sympathetically INTERROGATE HER about her FUGITIVE SON who MURDERED A SHIT-TON OF PEOPLE and then DISAPPEARED in a PRISON RIOT way back when.

EVAN WRIGHT

So good of you to see me, Mrs. Old Lady. No, don't get up. Allow me to barge right in and stomp around all your private belongings like a drunken Link in a pot shop before I actually talk to you.

OLD LADY

Let me tell you about my son. He loved me. He took care of me. He loved me so much he took out a second job at the local gas station to earn some extra cash to pay for my just kidding, he started murdering gangsters at the behest of some answering machine messages.

EVAN WRIGHT

I hope that paid well at least.

OLD LADY

Apparently not. You think I'd be living in this pixely shithole if I had money? Boy, you better believe I'd be spending my twilight years in the fanciest strip club a Grand Theft Auto game could render if I had the dough.

EVAN WRIGHT

So what exactly did your son do?

OLD LADY

Oh, he was in the first game, remember? He was that guy in that prison cell who you could choose to kill or not?

EVAN WRIGHT

Wait wait, that was a choice? Shit. Every playthrough I've ever seen has everybody popping the guy's eyeballs like grapes in 0.5 seconds.

OLD LADY

You assholes. That’s my son you're fucking with. Anyway, canonically he lived after the first game, and spent about thirty seconds in a maximum security prison before a riot started and usual Hotline bullshit ensued. He disappeared after that.

EVAN WRIGHT

Any idea where your son is now?

OLD LADY

None. Like I said, he loves me. He loves me so much that he disappeared completely from my life after achieving freedom. I am just now starting to wonder if my son actually just wanted an excuse to murder people, like every other jackass in this game.

EVAN WRIGHT

I don’t murder people.

OLD LADY

Pussy.

INT. POLICE STATION

MANNY has been called in by his POLICE CHIEF.

POLICE CHIEF

Damnit Manny, you're STILL a loose cannon! I could forgive the drastic depopulating effect you've had on the urban poor in this city, but it turns out you also murdered like six innocent people. You're moonlighting as a serial killer. Turn in your badge and gun.

MANNY PARDO

Okay.

MANNY turns his BADGE right into the CHIEF’S EYE and then turns his GUN on ABOUT FIFTY COPS.

MANNY PARDO

And that's what you get for telling me who I can and can't murder. It's a free country, damnit. Also all of this was a dream whaaaat.

SERIOUSLY.

INT. RUSSIAN CLUB

Meanwhile, a YOUNG RUSSIAN MAFIA PRINCE is chilling out in his CLUB when OKAY SERIOUSLY THERE ARE FOUR LEVELS LEFT AND WE'RE STILL INTRODUCING NEW PLAYER CHARACTERS?

RUSSIAN

Da. Come, comrades. We must slaughter our way through American bank for glory of Soviet Union.

HENCHMAN

Da. Is good that we have Russian protagonist for first time in game. Will prove that developers are not completely prejudiced against Russians and/or simply exploiting stereotypes of group of people you are allowed to hate without feeling racist.

RUSSIAN

Is true. Come. To bank. For pointless heist connected to plot in no way.

They go to a BANK and KILL EVERYONE and TAKE SOME MONEY.

RUSSIAN

Now we have money. Must celebrate. I will take many pills for glory of proletariat.

HENCHMAN

Nyet. Often pills are giving special powers in video games. Jumping Plumber and Man of Pac both use drugs for to make super. You should be careful, comrade.

RUSSIAN

Da. I will be careful.

The RUSSIAN eats a FUCKTON of PILLS, BOOZE, ACID, SHROOMS, BATH SALTS, TOAD SWEAT, and WHATEVER THE HELL TIM SCHAFER is on.

RUSSIAN

Am feeling different. Much murder do I wish to commit.

HENCHMAN

Is normal, comrade. Murder is like handshake in game such as this.

RUSSIAN

Nyet. This murder shall be having even less point than previous murder.

HENCHMAN

(shredded into fine mist)

Am now pile of blood. Such is life.

The RUSSIAN slaughters THE EVERLOVING VODKA out of his WHOLE CLUB while a druggy SCREENSAVER tries to wrestle the CAMERA away from him.

DROOGS

Hey, we're still in this game!

RUSSIAN

Nyet for much longer!

The RUSSIAN kills all the ANIMAL MASK-WEARING DROOGS one BOSS BATTLE at a TIME in what is probably one of the more effective ANTI-DRUG PSA'S to come out of GAMING.

INT. DENOUEMENT

EVAN WRIGHT

Well, it's time for me to get working on my article. I can tell already that this will be a doozy! First I'll tell the story of Jacket, how he slaughtered Russian mobsters, then I can talk about this serial killer everone's going on about, and then I’ll talk about the old lady and --

(obliterated by a nuke)

MANNY PARDO

Well, it’s time for me to barricade myself in my apartment and pray the police don't find me like they did in my dream. I mean, I'd probably be fine if they did find me, I've only killed the population of Cleveland, I mean what are they gonna do? Actually, I think I should just talk to a lawyer and --

(atomised by a nuke)

BEARD

Well, it's time for me to have a quick chat with my old buddy Jacket.

(on phone)

Hey bro, how's it hanging? Still languishing in prison? Haha, you're so silly! Seriously though, are you still hallucinating me everywhere you go? That's so wacky! God, remember that time we liberated Hawaii from those Russians? Man, those were some good days. It sure would be nice if --

(annihilated by a nuke)

OLD LADY

Well, it's time for me to go join my son in Hawaii. He got some cash and bought me a plane ticket, it's going to be great to see him again. Maybe we'll chill under the palm trees, sip a nice mojito, smell the bodies of Russian guerrillas still gently crisping under the flaming thatched roof huts. I'd assume tourism might have taken a hit in this universe's version of Hawaii since it was apparently occupied territory not too long ago, but whatever. I'm old, and I want to enjoy my life while I --

(eliminated by a nuke)

JACKET

Okay seriously, was this game written on an Etch-a-Sketch?

(nuked)

THE END