FADE IN:

INT. SMALL PICTURESQUE HOUSE - PALLET TOWN

A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY named WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE (let’s go with HALL) awakens in his BEDROOM. He dresses and walks DOWNSTAIRS, where his MOTHER is sat at the KITCHEN TABLE.

MOTHER

Well, today's the day!

HALL

Huh?

MOTHER

Time for you to leave home and become a Pokémon Master!

HALL

What? Leave home? But --

MOTHER

And become a Pokémon Master!

HALL

I don't understand. What about school?

MOTHER

(laughs)

School's just for losers who can't catch Pokémon, everyone knows that.

HALL

But I'm only ten.

MOTHER

That's right, ten minutes late for your meeting with Professor Oak!

She pushes HALL towards the DOOR.

HALL

Mum, but -- I love you. And I don't like Pokémon. They're aggressive.

She pushes him out the DOOR and slams it BEHIND HIM. He turns around and starts BANGING ON IT.

HALL

Can I at least get my inhaler?

VOICE (O.S.)

(smug)

What do you need that for?

HALL turns around to see a KID HE KNOWS FROM THE NEIGHBOURHOOD. You can pick his NAME as well. Let's call him OATES.

OATES

Did my Pokémon take your breath away?

Standing by OATES' FEET is a DEPRESSED-LOOKING CHARMANDER.

OATES

Got it from Professor Oak. Its name's Charmander but I call it Dumbass. Say hello.

DUMBASS

Hel--

OATES

Shut up. See? Does whatever I say.

HALL

Your mum kicked you out too? I'm sorry, man.

OATES

Whatever, dickstain. Just stay out my way. From now on, we're rivals.

(swaggers off)

HALL

What do you mean, rivals? You were at my birthday party.

OATES TURNS AROUND to flip HALL the BIRD. He gives his CHARMANDER a little KICK and it reluctantly flips HALL the BIRD as well.

INT. PROFESSOR OAK'S HOUSE - PALLET TOWN

HALL approaches a DIRTY, MESSY HOUSE that looks not unlike the SHACK WHERE THEY PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE IN THE DEER HUNTER. A small ELECTRIC FAN spins around in one corner. LIGHT slithers in through CRACKS in the WOOD. EMPTY BEER BOTTLES are littered everywhere. CIGARETTE SMOKE hangs in the air.

HALL

Hello?

VOICE (O.S.)

I told ya, come back Monday. I don't got any until Monday.

HALL

I'm here about the Pokémon? My mum sent me?

Through an OPEN DOORWAY covered by HANGING BEADS, PROFESSOR OAK emerges.

PROFESSOR OAK

Oh. You're what's-her-name's kid. Yeah. Hey, tell her I said hi.

He is wearing a VEST, BOXER SHORTS, SOCKS and SOCK SUSPENDERS. He scratches his CROTCH and spits on the FLOOR.

PROFESSOR OAK

So what'll it be?

HALL

Sorry?

PROFESSOR OAK

The Pokémon. What d’ya want?

HALL

Well, I was thinking --

A PIKACHU walks into the ROOM wearing UNDERPANTS. It has STUBBLE and sounds like RAY WINSTONE WITH A HEAD COLD when it talks.

PIKACHU

Hey kid.

It opens the FRIDGE and takes out a BEER, then sits on the SOFA and flips on the TV.

HALL

Is he --

PROFESSOR OAK

Oh, he ain't for sale. But back in his day, he was a great fighter. Ain't that right?

PIKACHU

(coughs, splutters)

Oh yeah, I beat 'em all. Nobody fucked with me back then.

PROFESSOR OAK

Hey! Watch your fuckin' mouth in front of the kid.

PIKACHU

Whatever.

(sinks back into the sofa)

PROFESSOR OAK

I got Bulbasaur or Squirtle. Some other punk kid just walked out with Charmander. So what do you want?

HALL

Uhh -- which do you recommend?

PROFESSOR OAK

Well, the Bulbasaur's a heavy hitter but he's kind of a little bitch.

PIKACHU

(belches)

You got that right.

PROFESSOR OAK

And the chicks love a Squirtle. Seriously, the amount of cooz I picked up back when I was your age, forget about it!

HALL

I'm ten, sir.

PROFESSOR OAK leans through the BEADED DOORWAY and SHOUTS.

PROFESSOR OAK

SQUIRTLE!

VOICE (O.S.)

(after a long beat)

WHAT?

PROFESSOR OAK

GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!

We hear the sound of FOOTSTEPS coming down the STAIRS.

PROFESSOR OAK

(to Hall)

You wan' a beer or something?

HALL

Thank you, I'm okay.

PROFESSOR OAK

You better tell your ma' I said hi, alright?

SQUIRTLE walks into the ROOM.

SQUIRTLE

What is it? I'm trying to give myself a shower up there.

PROFESSOR OAK

This kid's gonna be a Master. You’s going with him.

SQUIRTLE

This kid?

(points at Hall)

He looks like he couldn't train a fuckin' Digimon.

PIKACHU

(laughs)

SQUIRTLE

What you lookin' at, kid?

HALL

I was just --

SQUIRTLE

Yeah, whatever. We gonna fuck up that Charmander or what? Asshole owes me fifty Pokédollars.

HALL

Well, I guess.

SQUIRTLE

Heh, you're alright.

(slaps Hall on the back)

Let's roll out. Hey Pikachu, I taped the game last night. Don't tape over it.

PIKACHU

You wouldn't do nothin' about it.

They pretend to BOX like JAKE AND JOEY IN RAGING BULL.

SQUIRTLE

Later, assholes.

EXT. PALLET TOWN

HALL and SQUIRTLE are kicking through a patch of LONG GRASS.

SQUIRTLE

If we're gonna get better, we gotta train. Training means fighting. And fighting means finding Pokémon to fight, like this asshole.

He points to something in the GRASS. It’s a RATTATA.

SQUIRTLE

That's Rattata. Real mouthy piece of shit, but a total pussy. Watch this. AY!

He's shouting at the RATTATA. It turns around.

SQUIRTLE

I was just wondering --

(nudges Hall)

How do you suck cocks with such big teeth?

HALL

Woah.

SQUIRTLE

(dirty laugh)

RATTATA

You done it now, asshole.

SQUIRTLE

Oh yeah? You wanna fuckin' go?

RATTATA

Right now. Right now.

SQUIRTLE takes off a GOLD WATCH and hands it to HALL.

SQUIRTLE

Hold this for me.

He marches up to the RATTATA.

RATTATA

You're gonna fuckin' d--

SQUIRTLE knocks RATTATA on his BACK with one PUNCH and then starts KICKING HIM while he’s on the GROUND.

SQUIRTLE

Like that? Do you, you fuckin' slag? How about I knock a couple of those massive teeth out?

HALL runs over and grabs SQUIRTLE.

HALL

That's enough!

SQUIRTLE

(sticking in one last kick)

Learn some fuckin' manners!

RATTATA is rolling on the GRASS. HALL drags SQUIRTLE away, his HANDS and FEET stained with BLOOD, spitting and flailing and swearing. CHIRPY VICTORY MUSIC plays. Over this image, a POP-UP appears: “SQUIRTLE GAINED 44 EXP. POINTS!”

SQUIRTLE

I'll fuckin' take you all!

EXT. ROAD TO PEWTER CITY

Later, HALL and SQUIRTLE are headed for PEWTER CITY.

SQUIRTLE

If you had any balls, you would have captured that Rattata.

HALL

If I had any balls?

SQUIRTLE

Pokéballs. We'll get some in Pewter City. Speaking of which, I know a great bar. Pretty lary in there so keep your head down and let me do the talking.

HALL

I'm not really supposed to go outside Pallet Town.

SQUIRTLE

What are you, scared or somethin'?

HALL

No, I'm ten years old. I want to go to law school.

SQUIRTLE

Hey, I knew a lawyer once.

HALL

Yeah?

SQUIRTLE

Yeah. I banged his Lapras.

(nudges Hall again, laughs)

You'll get used to it, kid. Being a Pokémon Master is badass.

VOICE (O.S.)

That's right.

HALL

Who said that?

Out of the BUSHES comes OATES. DUMBASS sort of SHUFFLES ALONGSIDE.

OATES

The greatest Pokémon Master of them all.

SQUIRTLE

You know this piss streak?

HALL

Yeah, he's my friend from school.

OATES

We're not friends, we're rivals. Dumbass, light 'em up.

SQUIRTLE

Who you callin' Dumba--

SQUIRTLE suddenly BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

DUMBASS

I'm sorry. You know what it's like, man. If he says it, I have to.

SQUIRTLE is rolling on the FLOOR, on FIRE.

DUMBASS

I didn't mean to. Shit. Are you okay?

SQUIRTLE

When this goes out, I'm gonna fuckin' drown your ass.

DUMBASS

I'm real sorry.

OATES

Don't apologise, idiot. Burn him again.

DUMBASS

I ain't burning him again, bro. That's just wrong.

OATES

I said burn him again!

DUMBASS

He'll pass out in a second and then --

SQUIRTLE

Uuuuugh fuck it.

(faints)

Another POP-UP appears. This one says: “SQUIRTLE FAINTED.”

DUMBASS

See? We win.

OATES

You ain't gonna burn him again? Fine.

OATES gets out a can of PETROL and some MATCHES.

OATES

I'll do it myself.

He tips the PETROL over the totally unconscious SQUIRTLE.

HALL

Hey, stop that!

DUMBASS

Don't do it, man.

OATES

See, this is the problem with Pokémon.

DUMBASS

For real.

OATES

They're all pocket --

(lights a match)

-- and no monster. Squirtle?

SQUIRTLE

(barely opens his eyes)

OATES

This is going to hurtle.

Just as OATES is about to DROP THE MATCH, he too BURSTS INTO FLAMES.

DUMBASS

I told you, man.

OATES rolls around, struggles to his FEET, rolls some more, and flees into the BUSHES again.

OATES

You're a dead man! I'm going to get a Gyrados and you're a fucking dead man!

DUMBASS

(to Hall)

Sorry about that. He's a messed-up kid. He told me he had dreams about you and him getting married. He's got some stuff to sort out.

(to Squirtle)

You okay?

SQUIRTLE

(spits blood)

You got that fifty you owe me?

DUMBASS

Ha, he's fine. We should get back to Professor Oak's and patch you up. Kid, you should go home.

HALL

Thanks, Charmander.

DUMBASS

Don't mention it. And hey, if you wanna go to law school, you should do it. Don't let other people pressure you into being a Pokémon Master. Remember, always stay true to y--

He suddenly VANISHES. HALL looks up and sees a BUNCH OF PEOPLE WALKING AROUND LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES.

PERSON #1

Hey! I think I caught Charmander!

PERSON #2

Great work, man!

PERSON #3

Yeah, cool!

PERSON #2

Hey, looks like there's a Chansey over at the war memorial. We should all go over there to try and get it!

PERSON #3

Yeah!

The whole group CHEERS and WALKS AWAY, still LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES. Several of them FALL OF A CLIFF EDGE or STUMBLE INTO TRAFFIC, but the group as a whole carries on, OBLIVIOUS. HALL looks down at the badly burned SQUIRTLE.

SQUIRTLE

Gotta --

(coughs up more blood)

-- catch 'em all.

THE END