FADE IN:

INT. SOLOMON’S TEMPLE - JERUSALEM - 1191

MASTER ASSASSIN ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD, accompanied by fellow assassins MALIK AL-SAYF and MALIK’S BROTHER KADAR, are stealthily stalking the halls of SOLOMON’S TEMPLE. Suddenly, all the TEXTURES POP OUT and MALIK starts SPINNING IN PLACE.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Quickly! We-ckly! We-ckly! We e-tg-e-tg-e-tg-e-tg nnnnbbb chicken salad sandwich KKKKHHHH--

ALTAÏR’S FACE DISAPPEARS. Thinking fast, he heroically SINKS INTO THE FLOOR and reappears FLOATING HALF A MILE ABOVE THE GAME MAP.

CUT TO:

INT. ABSTERGO INDUSTRIES - 2012

DESMOND MILES is seen CRASHING TO DESKTOP.

DESMOND MILES

Oh come on, Ubisoft! I’ve heard of release-day bugs, but this is ridiculous! How can you--

(looks around)

Wait a minute. What? This is still the game? What am I doing in the far-flung future of 2012? Every bit of promotional material pretends this is a game all about stabbing people during the Crusades!

LUCY STILLMAN

Ha ha, psych! All the Crusades stuff is more of a game-length flashback. Here in the framing device you’ve been kidnapped by Abstergo, a company that’s basically Omni Consumer Products if it was run by the Illuminati.

WARREN VIDIC

(grizzling like an asshole)

The central gimmick is that you’re a direct descendant of Altaïr, and we need information he had, so we’re using a sci-fi device called the Animus to make you live out your genetic memories until we get the one we want.

(scowling like a jerk)

If you remember things wrong, like say if you get Altaïr stabbed through the heart or pancaked on the sidewalk, then your mind is “desynchronised” from the correct memory and you’re reset to an earlier point to try again. Remember, this is the year BioShock came out. Deconstructing basic video game logic is all the rage.

(snarls)

DESMOND MILES

Genetic memories, seriously? That sci-fi concept where, when you remember stuff, it’s not just recorded into your brain, but also hard-coded into your DNA and passed on to your kids? Psychic time travel would have been more plausible. Hell, having the Ghost of Christmas Past take me back would have been more plausible.

WARREN VIDIC

Yes yes, it’s a silly premise, but let’s just move on and --

DESMOND MILES

No, let’s not! I mean, I could maybe go along with the idea that my DNA contains vivid, detailed memories of the entire lives of my parents or my grandparents, but my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents? All 8,589,934,592 of them?

WARREN VIDIC

I’m assuming there’s a certain amount of overlap there.

DESMOND MILES

Even so! Conversely, after that many generations, Altaïr’s probably got tens of millions of direct descendants, so why are you acting like I’m your one shot at finding --

WARREN VIDIC

OKAY BACK IN TIME YOU GO.

They ZAP DESMOND back into the PAST.

INT. SOLOMON’S TEMPLE - JERUSALEM - 1191

ALTAÏR, MALIK, and KADAR slink through the corridors of SOLOMON’S TEMPLE.

MALIK AL-SAYF

So we’re here on the extremely important mission to get an artefact known as the Apple of Eden from Robert de Sable, Grand Master of the Knights Templar. So long as we follow our usual strategy of using stealth, caution and tactics --

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF MY TRAINING!

(charges in)

ALTAÏR makes an absolute DOG’S BREAKFAST of the MISSION. DE SABLE gets away, KADAR gets KILLED, and MALIK loses an ARM. The 1.8 REMAINING ASSASSINS flee back to their home base in MASYAF.

INT. MASYAF CASTLE

ALTAÏR reports to ASSASSIN LEADER AL MUALIM, who resembles WARREN VIDIC in a way which seems like it might be MEANINGFUL. IT'S NOT.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Okay yes, de Sable got away. And yes, Kadar died.

MALIK AL-SAYF

And de Sable sent a fuckton of soldiers here to kill us all.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Yes, and de Sable sent a fuckton of whoa what?

AL MUALIM

Altaïr, you idiot! You’ll have to kill those soldiers by dumping a bunch of logs on them. Jump out this window and sneak round the side!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

(peers out)

Uhm, that’s like a hundred-foot drop.

AL MUALIM

Onto a pile of hay, though. Hay is renowned for its magical inertia-cancelling properties. Also I guess you could do a backflip, which maybe helps?

ALTAÏR performs the BLATANTLY IMPOSSIBLE JUMP, resigning himself to the fact that a CENTRAL GAME MECHANIC makes NO SENSE. He then CRUSHES the SOLDIERS and returns to AL MUALIM.

AL MUALIM

Your flagrant disregard for the tenets of our order must be punished, Altaïr! To that end I’ll assign you to a whole slate of really important assassinations and then drastically reduce your ability to complete them.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

A commendably practical solution, master.

AL MUALIM

So return to me your short blade. And your throwing knives. And your ability to grab a ledge if you’re falling.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Yes master, I -- wait, what was that last one? Uhm, I don’t think it’s possible for you to confiscate my training, sir. “Bag of tricks” is just a metaphor.

AL MUALIM

Presumably this just means that you’re forbidden to use certain techniques until further notice.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

I see. So if I fall off a building and can only save myself from dying by grabbing onto a ledge?

AL MUALIM

You follow orders and let yourself fall to your death, obviously!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

This all makes so much sense. Alright, where’s my first target?

AL MUALIM

You have to go to Damascus to kill a Templar arms dealer named Tamir.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Damascus? Sheesh, that’s nearly a hundred and fifty miles from Masyaf. Better stock up for a grueling three-day ride.

AL MUALIM

What are you talking about? Damascus is only five minutes away by horse.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Huh. Dunno how this game’s obsession with obscure period detail let THAT piece of immersion-shattering idiocy slide.

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - DAMASCUS

About the length of a COMMERCIAL BREAK later, ALTAÏR meets with the RAFIQ of the DAMASCUS ASSASSINS’ BUREAU.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Alright, give me Tamir’s address so I can stab him in the spleen and go home.

DAMASCUS RAFIQ

Not so fast, Mr. Professional! We’re trying for a slim pretence of non-linearity, so before you can kill anybody you have to go do research about them, which I’m sure you’ll be fine with since you’re soooo patient and everything.

(smirks)

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

What’s with the attitude?

DAMASCUS RAFIQ

Oh see, we’ve tried to liven up these tedious exposition scenes by giving each rafiq a distinct personality. I’m “the sarcastic one,” and I’m just soooo tolerable. Yeah, Ubisoft reeeaaally knows how to write a funny and NOT irritating smart aleck.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Oh well, at least we pull this off better than The Division will.

DAMASCUS RAFIQ

So I’m sure you remember the techniques we Assassins use to gain information about our targets.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

(sighs)

Yes, we can beat people up for information, listen in on conversations, pickpocket letters, or question fellow Assassins. Those four things, over and over again, for the entire fucking game.

DAMASCUS RAFIQ

I’m sure that’ll neeever get old!

(waggles eyebrows)

ALTAÏR goes out and learns SOME but not ALL of the available intel on TAMIR.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Aha, now I can used this information to plan out the perfect approach to this assassination. I’ll go to where Tamir is, sneak up behind him, and stab him.

(beat)

Yep, really needed all that meticulous research to figure that one out.

He goes to a PUBLIC SQUARE to find TAMIR meeting with one of his SUPPLIERS.

TAMIR

I’ve already been established as the most ruthless war profiteer in the country, but apparently we still don’t think I’m evil enough yet, so I hope you like being shredded with a knife for no good reason!

(murders supplier)

ALTAÏR goes up and KILLS HIM. Suddenly the two of them are CHILLING in some kind of DIGITAL VOID.

TAMIR

Oh this is just GREAT. You may have killed me, but just know that I’m just a small part of a --

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Hang on, hang on. Where the hell are we? Am I hallucinating right now?

TAMIR

No, this is actually happening. These death conversations become fairly plot-important so clearly they’re actual events.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

But -- when we go back to reality, events continue right from where they left off, as though no time has passed. How is this conversation happening? Do I literally stop time, transcend to the astral plane, and speak to a ghost?

TAMIR

Don’t worry, give it a few more games and we’ll be so deep in unexplained semi-mystical bullshit that this will seem like nothing.

ALTAÏR emerges from WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT WAS and flees back to MASYAF.

INT. MASYAF CASTLE

ALTAÏR returns to AL MUALIM for his next MISSION BRIEFING.

AL MUALIM

In the spirit of our pretend sandbox, I’m going to give you two targets at the same time and let you do them in whichever order you like! There’s a guy in Acre, and a guy in Jerusalem.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Five minute horse ride from Masyaf to Jerusalem four hundred miles away, sure. Look, wouldn’t it have been simpler to just skip the travel part and say the trip took a month like it should? The overworld is boring as fuck anyway.

AL MUALIM

Hey, the E3 trailer promised us we could ride a pretty horsey, so we’re gonna ride a pretty horsey, goddamnit!

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - ACRE

ALTAÏR meets with JABAL, the ACRE RAFIQ.

JABAL

Hello. My personality is that I am the serious and wise-seeming rafiq. It makes me really boring and unmemorable, so just never mind me and go kill the Grand Master of the Knights Hospitaller.

ALTAÏR goes and does his BORING RESEARCH, then tracks down GARNIER DE NAPLOUSE at his CREEPY HOSPITAL.

GARNIER DE NAPLOUSE

Yes, these horrific medical experiments I’ve been performing on homeless people sure are -- wait a minute, what’s with the group of white-robed scholars aimlessly wandering through my hospital in an endless loop?

SCHOLARS

Oh, this is what scholars do! We just wander round and round and round in circles through public streets and some private buildings, staring at the ground, not saying anything. Nobody finds this the least bit weird and neither should you!

GARNIER DE NAPLOUSE

But there’s one of you that seems slightly less scholarly than the others. I mean, he’s got a white robe, sure, but there’s something about all those swords and knives he’s clearly carrying on his person that makes it a little bit hard to buy --

ALTAÏR stabs GARNIER into the EXPOSITION DIMENSION!

GARNIER DE NAPLOUSE

Oh this is bullshit!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

I suppose you’re going to go on a whole self-justifying rant about how those homeless people were only going to suffer and die anyway, so there’s nothing wrong with making them do it for a noble cause?

GARNIER DE NAPLOUSE

No, I’m pissed off because I’m a real historical figure and all of this medical experiment crap is just MADE UP! I didn’t do any of this shit! In fact, I wasn’t even a doctor! Presumably Ubisoft just saw that “Knights Hospitaller” has “hospital” in it and couldn’t be bothered to do any research beyond that!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Huh, and now this is probably how you’re going to be best remembered. Okay yeah, you have a legitimate grievance there, buddy.

He moves on to his NEXT TARGET in JERUSALEM.

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - JERUSALEM

ALTAÏR meets with the JERUSALEM RAFIQ.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

So what personality have they given the rafiq in this --

MALIK AL-SAYF

MY PERSONALITY IS THAT I HATE YOUR FUCKING FACE! PLEASE DO A LEAP OF FAITH INTO A PILE OF BROKEN GLASS!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Ulp! Malik! Uhh, sorry about the dead brother and missing arm. Am -- am I the only one who thinks that assigning us to work together is a terrible idea?

MALIK AL-SAYF

No, I’m sure I can be professional about this. Now, your next target has taken to hiding intel about himself in various mule anuses throughout the city. You’ll have to search them all.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Dude, come on.

MALIK AL-SAYF

FINE. He’s a slave trader named Talal. Go find out about him and kill him, shitface.

ALTAÏR researches TALAL and tracks him down to his SLAVE WAREHOUSE.

TALAL

Aha, I actually knew you were coming somehow! Now I’m going to close the doors on you and send a bunch of swordsmen down to murder you!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Well shit, I’m screwed. Ooh, unless -- I don’t suppose these are bad seventies kung fu movie-style enemies who stand in a circle and only attack one at a time, are they?

TALAL

Err, maybe.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

In which case I’m guessing that throughout this fight you won’t even once try to shoot any arrows at me with the bow you’re clearly carrying right now.

TALAL

I know, it’s all dumb, but the Stock Villain Union would tear me a new one if I didn’t follow regulations.

ALTAÏR kills TALAL’S GOONS, then chases down TALAL and KILLS HIM.

TALAL

But I only abducted people into slavery out of philanthropy! Wow, these bad guy justifications are pissweak.

(dies)

INT. ABSTERGO INDUSTRIES - 2012

DESMOND wakes up.

DESMOND MILES

Oh yeah, the whole framing device thing.

WARREN VIDIC

Yes, occasionally we dump you back here to remind you that this is a thing. I’m going home for the day, feel free to bug Lucy for backstory until she runs out of dialogue.

(leaves)

DESMOND MILES

I guess I might as well, otherwise all that happens in these bits is I take a quick nap. So Lucy, what’s Abstergo’s deal anyway?

LUCY STILLMAN

They’re the Knights Templar! Yeah, instead of dying out in the fourteenth century, it turns out they actually just transitioned into an evil corporation working to stamp out free will and puppies and sunshine. The Assassins still exist also. In fact, you were raised in their secret compound where they train to take on the Templars’ oppressive regime.

DESMOND MILES

So, Christianity evil, Islam good, gotcha.

LUCY STILLMAN

Oh no no no, This Work of Fiction Was Designed, Developed, and Produced by a Multicultural Team of Various Religious Faiths and Beliefs, so in that spirit we’ve carefully divorced both the Templars and the Assassins from any overt religious affiliations.

DESMOND MILES

You’re saying in this game the Templars aren’t overtly Christian? Then why even use the Templars? Being Christian was pretty much their entire thing! I don’t even know what this whole “free will” bullshit has to do with anything.

LUCY STILLMAN

We couldn’t resist, the Templars are such conveniently period-appropriate dickbags!

DESMOND goes to his room for a NAP, then returns to the ANIMUS so that the actual GAME can continue.

INT. MASYAF CASTLE - 1191

ALTAÏR returns to AL MUALIM for the next batch of MISSION PROMPTS.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Master, I’m starting to feel conflicted. These bad guys all have actual motivations for all the evil shit they do, whereas up until now I guess I just assumed that all our targets lacked basic rational thought processes and acted on direct orders from Satan.

AL MUALIM

Huh, my goal has been to teach you to follow the creed unquestioningly, but you seem to be doing the exact opposite of that. I’ll just go ahead and not be concerned by this at all. Anyway, go kill the next three guys. There’s one in Damascus, one in Acre, and one in Jerusalem.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Those are the exact three places I just visited! Now I have to travel to all of them again, in turn? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to group the killings by city?

AL MUALIM

Forced horsey sections bolster the sandbox illusion, now hop to it!

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - DAMASCUS

ALTAÏR goes back to see the DAMASCUS RAFIQ.

DAMASCUS RAFIQ

This time you’ve got to kill Abu’l Nuqoud, an unarmed and grossly out-of-shape merchant. I’m sure that’ll be suuuuch a satisfying challenge.

(chortles, rolls eyes)

ALTAÏR does the research on NUQOUD, then heads over to his DECADENT PARTY.

ABU’L NUQOUD

Welcome guests! I hate your fucking guts, please drink some of my poisoned wine and drop dead.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Holy shit, he just openly murdered like fifty prominent wealthy citizens! He just bought himself a life expectancy of like six seconds. I could probably just leave and let this one take care of itself.

(beat)

But what the hey, I’ve devised a pretty clever stealthy approach, so might as well save the cops some paperwork.

He painstakingly climbs and sneaks his way up SEVERAL STOREYS, using careful timing to bypass GUARDS and creep up behind NUQOUD. But then he SLIGHTLY SLIPS UP at the LAST SECOND and gets DOGPILED BY FIFTY GUARDS and KILLED and DESYNCHRONISED and has to START OVER.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Okay then, time for the traditional Hitman-style “fuck this” approach!

He STORMS SCREAMING UP THE BUILDING, just HACKING every GUARD who crosses his path to PIECES, and finally leaps onto NUQOUD and STABS HIM.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

So wait, Desmond wasn’t desynchronised this time, which means this is how it actually went down, right?

ABU’L NUQOUD

That’s the premise we’re working with, yes.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Then how come he wasn’t desynchronised before while I was doing the sneaky-stealthy approach, which we just established is the opposite of what really happened?

ABU’L NUQOUD

The Animus can handle any divergence from real events except death, one has to presume. Don’t think about it too hard or you’ll realise that this whole “memory sync” deconstruction of the format should really have been implemented in anything BUT a sandbox game.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Awww, you buy that this is a sandbox! That’s sweet of you.

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - ACRE

Next up is ACRE.

JABAL

go kill william of montferrat he’s basically king richard’s starscream

(boring)

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Alright, off to do research again. Hmm, I’ve been mostly been doing the eavesdropping, pickpocketing, and beat-up stuff, but maybe I should try one of the Assassin contact research dealies just this once. I’m sure they can’t be the mind-numbingly idiotic assault to common sense and plausibility that I remember them as.

ASSASSIN CONTACT

I will gladly give you the information you need to carry out this important assassination, Altaïr! It’s my job, after all!

(beat)

But I will ONLY do it if first you collect flags for me. I was carrying thirty flags through the streets for some reason when I managed to drop them in such a way that they wound up hovering above a bunch of different rooftops! Grab them for me, and remember if you don’t do it in less than ninety seconds it doesn’t count as having happened!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

(facepalming)

Nope, it’s as bad as I remembered. What is this rampantly incongruous Super Mario 64 bullshit even doing in this game?

He finishes up the RESEARCH, then goes and sneaks into WILLIAM OF MONTFERRAT’S CASTLE.

WILLIAM OF MONTFERRAT

My soldiers, we must not let our stealing of food from the citizens interfere with our plotting for Richard’s downfall! And yes, once again, real historical figure, and once again I was much less evil in real life. Also I’m supposed to be about sixty-five. And I have to assume the real guy didn’t have this ridiculous haircut either.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Okay, I’ve snuck in so that I’m perched right above William, but if I jump down there I’ll have to deal with the dozen or so soldiers surrounding him. Oh I know, I’ll just use one of my throwing knives, like the ones I just used to insta-kill a dozen wall guards from twenty feet away!

WILLIAM OF MONTFERRAT

Nope, I’m magically immune to your throwing knives even if I’m just standing with my unsuspecting back to you when you throw them.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Well that’s contrived. Fine then, I’ll jump down and just lock onto you so that I can immediately stab you and ignore the other soldiers.

(leaps)

WILLIAM OF MONTFERRAT

That WOULD be a good idea, except the lock-on mechanic in this game is a fickle bitch that’ll ignore your wishes and just switch over to another random soldier if he so much as waggles a sword in your general direction.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

ARGH WHATEVER YOU ALL DIE NOW!

ALTAÏR wades in and murders all the SOLDIERS who were just trying to PROTECT THEIR CITY, then kills WILLIAM.

WILLIAM OF MONTFERRAT

You don’t understand! All my evil deeds were also somehow intended for the good of the people!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Come on guys, it’s not fair how you’re all “BLARGH MUTILATE ORPHANS” while you’re alive, but then when you die you try and guilt me out by suddenly batting your eyes and being all “Oh who will protect all the innocent woodland creatures nowww?”

He continues on to JERUSALEM.

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - JERUSALEM

ALTAÏR meets with MALIK.

MALIK AL-SAYF

I hate you still! But less than before. I grudgingly acknowledge that you’ve become a little bit less of a cocky reckless douche.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Ah, I get it. Your job is to make sure people can follow my character arc by straight-up explaining in dialogue that it’s happening.

MALIK AL-SAYF

Pretty much! Go kill Majd Addin, the rabid executioner.

ALTAÏR does yet another tedious round of RESEARCH, then shows up to where MAJD ADDIN is about to kill a bunch of PRISONERS.

MAJD ADDIN

Behold! The jaywalkers! The double-parkers! The people who jump the turnstiles on the subway! Hang ’em all! My schtick is that I go a bit crazy with the death penalty, you see.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Those poor people! I better kill Addin before he can execute them! But not before he can kill a bunch of disruptive people in the audience. Fuck those guys.

He KILLS ADDIN.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Let me guess, now you’re gonna turn all polite and explain how you only wanted to maintain a level of order which kept the populace safe?

MAJD ADDIN

NOPE! I JUST LOVE KILLING! KILL KILL KILL DEATH STAB STRANGLE HA HA HAAAA!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Wait, you DON’T have a pathetically thin justification you want us to swallow? Neat! You’re not such a bad guy after all!

INT. ABSTERGO INDUSTRIES - 2012

DESMOND is woken up for some more FILLER.

WARREN VIDIC

Bah, this is taking too long! I think we should be pushing Desmond harder, like we did with previous subjects to utterly disastrous results! Even though there are no apparent time constraints on us, I would rather risk killing our precious subject than take an extra day or two to achieve our goal! BAH!

(storms out)

DESMOND MILES

You know Lucy, it occurs to me that maybe I shouldn’t be confiding in you, considering Warren’s so stupidly vicious that I should suspect that the two of you are pulling a deliberate good cop/bad cop on me.

LUCY STILLMAN

It’s alright, I really am on your side. In fact I’m an Assassin infiltrator, here to help you and sabotage Warren! The fact that I spend the entire game helping Warren and sabotaging nothing shouldn’t cast any doubt on this claim.

DESMOND has another NAP and then jumps back into the ANIMUS.

INT. MASYAF CASTLE - 1191

ALTAÏR meets with AL MUALIM again.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

My doubts continue to deepen to the point that I’m starting to tip everybody off as to what the climactic plot twist is going to be.

AL MUALIM

Oh well, can’t be helped. I have three more targets for you.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Let me guess. One in Damascus, one in Acre, and one in Jerusalem?

AL MUALIM

How did you know?

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

THIS IS NOT EFFICIENT PLANNING! Screw it, let’s just get these done already.

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - DAMASCUS

RAFIQ

Snark snark!

(punched in face)

JUBAIR AL HAKIM

I love to burn books!

(killed)

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - ACRE

JABAL

now you must kill sibrand who is grand master ofzzzz

SIBRAND

I’m terrified of getting killed by Assassins!

(killed)

INT. ASSASSINS’ BUREAU - JERUSALEM

MALIK AL-SAYF

I like you now!

ROBERT DE SABLE

So at last you have tracked down me, your main foe, the head of the Templars and PSYCH, I’M A DECOY!

(pulls off hood)

Hi, I’m actually Maria Thorpe, your love interest who will one day be known well by anybody familiar with the PSP game Assassin’s Creed: Bloodlines and the tie-in novel Assassin’s Creed: The Secret Crusade.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

So, nobody.

MARIA THORPE

Pretty much. The real de Sable is in Arsuf, hiding behind wave after wave after wave of monotonous swordfights.

(flees)

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Ah, a fiendish manoeuver, hoping I’ll just say fuck it and go home rather than endure fifteen solid minutes of this game’s boring-ass swordplay!

EXT. ARSUF

ALTAÏR charges into a WARZONE to get to DE SABLE, but a small group of SWORDSMEN attack him.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

He runs another TEN FEET when another small group of SWORDSMEN attack him.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

Dodge, stab!

(kills dude)

This goes on for ONE HUNDRED MILLION BILLION YEARS. Eventually, he reaches DE SABLE and KILLS HIM.

ROBERT DE SABLE

Altaïr, you’re an idiot. The real main villain was Al Mualim all along! Malik retrieved that Apple of Eden at the beginning of the game, and now Al Mualim is going to use it to control people’s minds and take over the world or something!

(dies)

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Holy shit! This technically means that the only meaningful event in this entire game took place at the very beginning and I’ve just spent the past twenty hours fucking around uselessly! Oh well, back to Masyaf.

EXT. MASYAF CASTLE

ALTAÏR goes and confronts AL MUALIM, who uses the APPLE OF EDEN to IMMOBILISE HIM.

AL MUALIM

Bwa ha ha! Behold, I’m doing that bad writing thing where as soon as somebody is revealed to be a villain, their entire established characterisation vanishes and is replaced with generic megalomania!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

So if you’ve had the power to control minds since the beginning of the game, why have you let me run around with all that free will learning the truth and slowly becoming a bigger threat?

AL MUALIM

Because you’re more valuable to me with the ability to think for yourself! Also I tried and the Apple doesn’t work on you, so I guess that “more valuable” thing is just bullshit.

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Doesn’t work on me? My current mystical paralysis would beg to differ.

AL MUALIM

True. I guess I’ll just release you then instead of holding you in place while I stab you in the heart, and allow you to fight me. Me and my army of clones I’ve just created with the Apple, that is!

ALTAÏR IBN-LA’AHAD

Clones? Okay seriously, the whole thing with an ancient Persian warrior swordfighting and parkouring his way through a journey of ego-reducing self-discovery was already on the nose, but now the climactic fight is me versus an old bearded guy who’s using magic to make duplicates of himself?

AL MUALIM

Yeah, Ubisoft isn’t exactly being subtle in its attempt to recapture past glory. At least this explains why we put in a plot twist which makes basically all the events of the story completely moot!

ALTAÏR fights all the AL MUALIMS and WINS! Then suddenly, for NO APPARENT REASON, the APPLE starts projecting a GLOBAL MAP of the location of all the other PIECES OF EDEN.

INT. ABSTERGO INDUSTRIES - 2012

DESMOND wakes up to VIDIC blowing on a PARTY HORN and throwing up CONFETTI.

WARREN VIDIC

Huzzah, that’s what we wanted! That convenient and entirely random infodump that just happened because the story was over gives us all the intel we need!

(runs off gleefully)

LUCY STILLMAN

Well Desmond, he’s gonna want to kill you now. Fear not, I think I can convince him to keep you around. In the meantime, just go to your room for your dissatisfying and incomprehensible sequel hook.

DESMOND MILES

That’s it? We’re ending on a bunch of barely coherent imagery that just makes things more confusing? Meh, I’m sure the next game will clear everything up and leave us with a nice, tidy continuity which is interesting and which everybody who plays the Assassin’s Creed games actually gives a flying fuck about.

THE END, TO GENERAL LAUGHTER