FADE IN:

EXT. LIBERTY ISLAND - NIGHT

After an INTRO SEQUENCE which makes NO FUCKING SENSE, we find ourselves in the boots of JC DENTON on the SOUTH DOCK of LIBERTY ISLAND.

JC DENTON

Whoa, I sound like Jack Bauer on Quaaludes.

PAUL DENTON

Hello, JC.

JC DENTON

I’m sorry, do we know each other?

PAUL DENTON

I’m your brother. Remember Dad’s old brown suit?

JC DENTON

Oh right. So what are we doing?

PAUL DENTON

NSF terrorists are trapped in the Statue after hijacking a shipment of Ambrosia, the cure to a deadly pandemic called the Gray Death. UNATCO makes sure the limited supply of Ambrosia gets to government agencies and key industries. But they’re actually controlled by a group called MJ-12 which seeks to --

JC DENTON

MJ-what?

PAUL DENTON

Whoops, I was getting ahead of myself. Hey look, you can pick an additional shiny weapon!

JC DENTON

Ooh, shiny!

PAUL DENTON

You can have a GEP gun, a --

JC DENTON

Give me the GEP gun.

PAUL DENTON

I haven’t even told you about the other weapons yet!

JC DENTON

Yeah, but I saw a kid running around and I kinda want to see if I can shoot him.

PAUL DENTON

Stick with the prod.

A hapless NSF TERRORIST wanders onto the dock. PAUL immediately whips out an ASSAULT RIFLE and guns him down.

JC DENTON

Dude, what the fuck? You’re preaching pacifism and then you turn all badass!

PAUL DENTON

I don’t know what came over me! Maybe an AI routine. Whatever. I’m going to watch the coast.

JC DENTON

Guess I’ll head for the Statue. Holy crap, what's wrong with it?

PAUL DENTON

It was bombed by terrorists a couple of years ago.

JC DENTON

No, I mean it looks like somebody textured a sponge. I shit more polygons than that.

JC goes around the ISLAND shooting TERRORISTS in the FACE, because that’s what his BROTHER would do apparently.

INT. STATUE OF LIBERTY - NIGHT

JC makes it inside the STATUE and finds the TERRORIST LEADER.

TERRORIST LEADER

I surrender!

JC DENTON

Tell me about the shipment.

TERRORIST LEADER

Did you know that corporations only pay about five percent of federal taxes now?

JC DENTON

Uhh, I asked about the shipment.

TERRORIST LEADER

Oh, and nineteen of the last twenty-three U.S. presidents have been members of the Trilateral Commission.

JC presses his GUN against the TERRORIST LEADER’s forehead.

JC DENTON

That's not what I asked!

TERRORIST LEADER

Also, a caterpillar has 2,087 minute hairs on each leg.

JC FIRES.

TERRORIST LEADER

Erm -- you missed.

JC DENTON

Shut up! I’m untrained and I don’t have any skill points left.

PAUL DENTON

You’re a complete jackass, I think. Go see our boss.

INT. UNATCO BASE - NIGHT

JC roams the base, accessing COMPUTERS everywhere and generally invading everyone’s PRIVACY.

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

Hey, go into the women's bathroom.

JC DENTON

Sorry, what?

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

Seriously, go into the women's bathroom.

JC makes a TOTAL ASS of himself.

JC DENTON

Thanks, dickhead. What was the point of that?

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

(glib)

Oh, nothing.

Giving it no further thought, JC meets his BOSS, JOSEPH MANDERLEY.

JC DENTON

Reporting for duty, sir.

JOSEPH MANDERLEY

Heh, you said doody. Ahem. Your job will be to find a generator and shut it down so Paul's team can raid a warehouse where the Ambrosia is being held. I have a feeling Paul will totally flake out, so you'll probably end up doing his job as well.

JC DENTON

I won’t question that in any way.

JOSEPH MANDERLEY

Meet your partner, Anna Navarre.

ANNA NAVARRE

Hello. May you be strung up by your balls. With barbed wire. Over a cliff.

JC DENTON

Holy Jesus fuck! Sorry, it’s just that you look like Two-Face’s ugly sister.

ANNA NAVARRE

I get that a lot. So I’m the counterpoint to your brother’s pacifism. Since you’ll be working alongside me, this will surely add some gravity to the choice of how to approach a combat situation.

JC DENTON

Not really, I’ve already decided to be a massive prick.

ANNA NAVARRE

Oh good. Nice baggy coat, by the way.

JC DENTON

It makes me look bigger.

JOSEPH MANDERLEY

Right, off you go. Oh and JC, stay out of the goddamn women's bathroom.

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

See? See? We accounted for everything! EVERYTHING!

JC DENTON

Then why does nobody bat an eye when I destroy every piece of furniture in the base?

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

Everything except that.

JC DENTON

And why --

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

Can't hear you! Loading!

EXT. HELL’S KITCHEN - NIGHT

JC runs around meddling in people’s lives, since they always ask his advice even though he’s an INCONSIDERATE DOUCHE who dangles CANDY BARS in front of STARVING KIDS and steps on CATS for a laugh.

JC DENTON

I’m looking for a large generator.

GILBERT RENTON

My daughter is somewhere out there! I'm positive she's being threatened into prostitution by some lowlife at this very moment!

JC DENTON

Don't worry, nothing will happen until I come along. That's the way these things work. Now, about that generator?

Eventually, JC blows up the GENERATOR along with a bunch of NSF TERRORISTS. When completing his brother's assignment, he learns that PAUL is actually working for the NSF, as evidenced by HIM SAYING SO OUTRIGHT. Oh, and by THAT ONE TERRORIST who mentioned him, although it might've been ANOTHER TERRORIST WHO'S ALSO NAMED PAUL.

PAUL DENTON

Nope, it was me.

JC DENTON

So all that pacifist guff about not killing anyone was because the terrorists are actually your friends?

PAUL DENTON

Sure, why not. Now go talk to Lebedev while I mysteriously disappear.

He DOES.

INT. 747 JET - NIGHT

JC approaches JUAN LEBEDEV, the man he’s supposed to KILL TO DEATH.

JC DENTON

You surrender too, I take it?

JUAN LEBEDEV

You know it.

JC DENTON

Goddamnit, when do I get a fucking boss fight? Fine, tell me what you know.

JUAN LEBEDEV

Yeah, I think I'm just going to wait a while until I’m sure to be interrupted right when I’m about to say something revealing.

ANNA NAVARRE

I’m here! Did I miss anything?

JC DENTON

Hmm, I feel as though I have to make an important, possibly career-affecting and life-altering decision here.

ANNA shoots LEBEDEV in the HEAD. Then SHITS in his MOUTH. Then BURNS his CORPSE.

JC DENTON

Hey, I hadn’t decided on anything yet!

ANNA NAVARRE

Indecision is also a decision. Return to base, agent.

JC DENTON

Hrmph, fine.

INT. UNATCO BASE - NIGHT

JC returns to BASE where he learns that his brother is going to DIE.

JC DENTON

A killswitch? Seriously, not cool.

JOSEPH MANDERLEY

You should really read the fine print on your employment contract. I’m sending you to Hong Kong to kill a man named Tracer Tong. But if your pilot should decide to take you somewhere else against my orders, that’s fine too.

This HAPPENS.

INT. PAUL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

JC is taken to see PAUL, who is suffering from intense PAIN. He demonstrates this by sitting UPRIGHT in a CHAIR and GROANING once.

PAUL DENTON

I need you to go send a signal to the other resistance members.

JC DENTON

Okay, what’s my other option?

PAUL DENTON

Excuse me?

JC DENTON

Well, I’ve been given choices at every turn so far. Can’t I choose to stay with UNATCO despite obvious indications that they’re corrupted?

PAUL DENTON

Nope, sorry.

JC DENTON

Great, I’m sure that means the bad guys will be portrayed as really evil to justify this lack of choice.

WALTON SIMONS

I’m sorry, did you even see me in the intro? Callous disregard for human lives and all? Anyways, I’ve ordered the troops to kill you, because frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen to constant exposition.

UNATCO TROOPERS now attack JC, but they’re actually GOOD GUYS who think JC is the BAD GUY. This poses a poignant MORAL DILEMMA on whether or not to use LETHAL FORCE.

JC DENTON

No it doesn’t. EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKERS! BRAAAAAAAAAA!

UNATCO TROOPER

Wait, don’t you feel some kind of emotional connection to me, since we’ve been on friendly terms up until now and I’m simply following orders because I'm affably naive?

JC DENTON

What? I can’t hear you over the sound of me shooting you.

UNATCO TROOPER

Never mind.

(dies)

JC returns to his BROTHER.

JC DENTON

So yeah, I’ve sent that signal and everything, even though I didn’t really want to. Come on, out the window.

PAUL DENTON

I can’t manage the climb.

JC DENTON

Too much pain?

PAUL DENTON

No, us NPCs don’t have animation sets for that sort of thing. Go!

Against overwhelming odds, JC manages to reach his HELICOPTER. But since the story kind of requires JC to be caught regardless of what he does, this is UTTERLY IGNORED.

INT. SECRET FACILITY - PROBABLY NIGHT

JC is locked up in a PRISON CELL.

JC DENTON

(singing)

They gonna hang me in the mornin’, a’fore this night is done. They gonna hang me in the mornin’, and I’ll never see the sun.

DAEDALUS

If you stop singing, I'll open the door for you.

JC DENTON

Whoa, who are you?

DAEDALUS

I’m an artificial intelligence existing on the Internet.

JC DENTON

Good thing my prison door is on-line so you could open it.

JC encounters another PRISONER, MIGUEL THE NSF TERRORIST.

MIGUEL

Hola. What do you want me to do?

JC DENTON

Hmm, no doubt I will be rewarded for my kindness if I make sure you leave this place alive. I will protect you with my life!

Eventually, JC escapes the SECRET FACILITY and ends up at the lower level of the UNATCO BASE.

INT. UNATCO BASE - YUP, NIGHT

JC DENTON

Holy shit, I was underneath the UNATCO base this whole time?

DAEDALUS

It was pretty obvious.

Like a FIRED EMPLOYEE forced to walk by his FORMER COLLEAGUES with all his belongings in a CARDBOARD BOX, JC runs into all the people he worked with.

JC DENTON

Whoo boy, this is awkward.

ANNA NAVARRE

I know, right? You sort of have to kill me to progress here. It’s unavoidable.

JC instead tricks a UNATCO TROOPER into opening the OUTER DOOR.

ANNA NAVARRE

Hey, that’s cheating!

JC DENTON

Technically, that’s an exploit. Hey, on a totally unrelated note, did you ever read Larry Niven’s short story Flatlander, woman?

ANNA NAVARRE

Why no, I --

(explodes)

JC DENTON

That was unexpected. Alright Miguel, looks like we part ways here. Now, what do you have for me? An augmentation upgrade canister? An accuracy weapon mod?

MIGUEL

Good luck, JC. I can make it on my own from here.

JC DENTON

"Good luck?" That’s it? All that telling you to stay put, painstakingly clearing each room of enemies followed by backtracking to come get you and all I get is "good luck?" To hell with this.

JC SHOOTS MIGUEL and gets aboard a HELICOPTER to HONG KONG, because WHY NOT.

EXT. WAN CHAI MARKET - STILL NIGHT

JC must find TRACER TONG. He meets GORDON QUICK, who apparently hires YOUNG BOYS as ENFORCERS.

JC DENTON

I need to find -- hold on, be right back.

GORDON QUICK

What was that all about?

JC DENTON

Sorry, just had to turn off that music. Seriously, was there a sale on leftover tunes from Airwolf or something? Anyways, I need to find Tracer Tong.

GORDON QUICK

He’s inside. But I won’t let you in until you prove your loyalty to us by completing a shitload of extraneous quests.

After playing FETCH MONKEY for a while, JC is allowed access to TRACER TONG’S LAB.

GORDON QUICK

Tracer Tong is inside. You have the thanks of the Luminous Path.

JC DENTON

Wait, you represent the Luminous Path? The Red Arrow leader Max Chen is sitting pretty in the back office of his own nightclub and you’re on guard duty outside in the cold? You can't even afford a shirt.

GORDON QUICK

Your point?

JC DENTON

Oh, nothing. Tracer Tong is inside, then?

INT. TRACER TONG’S LAB - YOU GUESSED IT, NIGHT

JC meets TRACER TONG.

JC DENTON

One moment, I have to check my V-sync settings. There are tearing artifacts all over your face.

TRACER TONG

No no, those are scars.

JC DENTON

Oh right. Sorry.

TRACER TONG

Hey, how about you infiltrate the Versalife facility and get me the source code to the lightsabre -- I mean, the Dragon's Tooth Sword?

After getting his KILLSWITCH set to OFF, JC enters the VERSALIFE BUILDING which is conveniently located RIGHT AROUND THE BLOCK.

INT. VERSALIFE - NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT

JC walks around the facility UNHINDERED, as his enemies apparently neglected to CIRCULATE HIS DESCRIPTION. In the LOWER LEVELS he comes across a BUM in a prison cell.

JC DENTON

Kidnapping homeless people for experiments, eh? You can't swing a dead greasel around here without hitting five conspiracy theories. At this rate I’ll probably run into gray aliens next.

BUM

Who, Clyde? He’s one cell over.

JC DENTON

Of course he is.

CLYDE THE GRAY ALIEN

Wurble wurble wurble!

JC acquires whatever it is TRACER TONG needs and barely escapes. Then he has to go BACK because he dropped his KEYS.

TRACER TONG

This is all linked to the Illuminati, who are in Paris for some reason.

JC DENTON

I don't speak any French.

TRACER TONG

Don't worry, neither do the French. They all speak English with ridiculously hilarious accents.

JC DENTON

Not unlike yourself, then.

EXT. PARIS - NIGHT, SERIOUSLY

JC arrives in PARIS to look for MORGAN EVERETT, leader of the ILLUMINATI. To find him, he must find NICOLETTE DUCLARE. To find NICOLETTE DUCLARE, he must find CHAD, leader of a PANSY-ASS TERRORIST GROUP.

CHAD

We use words and symbolic attacks to get our message across. We are not soldiers.

JC DENTON

Didn't I see you taking on an MJ-12 platoon in the intro?

CHAD

AI routine.

JC DENTON

Right, say no more.

Through a convoluted series of RANDOM TASKS, JC eventually finds MORGAN EVERETT.

JC DENTON

Why is it that, whenever the story gets stuck or trips over itself, a new character is introduced to keep it going?

(beat)

Never mind.

MORGAN EVERETT

So yeah, I run the Illuminati. Bob Page totally stabbed me in the back and went off on his own.

JC DENTON

Bob Page, eh? What about that popsicle in the basement?

MORGAN EVERETT

Ignore him. We need a nanotech science gobbledygook to manufacture a cure for the Gray Death. Go get one.

EXT. VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE - FUCKING NIGHT

JC saves some SCIENTISTS. We know they are SCIENTISTS because they all wear LABCOATS and sometimes GLASSES.

GARY SAVAGE

Thanks. Why are you so tired?

JC DENTON

(panting)

There was a lot of swimming involved in the tunnels and I never spent any skill points on that. Come on, how often is a secret agent expected to swim?

GARY SAVAGE

Got me. Incidentally, your next mission takes place in a partially flooded ocean lab.

JC DENTON

Figures.

DAEDALUS

By the way, my name is Helios now. Carry on.

INT. PASADENA OCEAN LAB - NIIIIIIIIIGHT

JC takes the LEFT MINISUB and hightails it over to the OCEAN LAB, which is in CHAOS after a CATASTROPHIC EVENT. This is so DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR can let people know he made SYSTEM SHOCK as well. After completing his mission, JC runs into SIMONS.

WALTON SIMONS

I have the same abilities as you, so this will be a good fight.

JC DENTON

Finally, a boss fight! Let’s go.

WALTON SIMONS

Wait, I’ve inexplicably trapped myself on these train tracks! Please don’t snipe me from a distance.

JC DENTON

Oh, for the love of --

JC kills WALTON SIMONS for being a total PUTZ. BOB PAGE then appears as a HOLOGRAM, because it’s the FUTURE, right?

BOB PAGE

I’m launching a nuclear missile at your friends! Bwahahahaha!

JC DENTON

Okay, I realise that you’re supposed to be bastardly evil to compensate for the absence of any possibility of siding with you, but come on! If you had a moustache, you’d be twirling it.

BOB PAGE

I think I’ll go drown a bag of puppies!

INT. MISSILE SILO - NOT DAY

JC enters the MISSILE SILO and overhears a CONVERSATION in which a man named HOWARD STRONG is built up as being a MAJOR DICK WHO EATS BABIES.

JC DENTON

Alright, this guy sounds like a challenge.

HOWARD STRONG

Haha, I'm completely batfuck crazy!

He BLOWS HIMSELF UP.

JC DENTON

I swear to God, if I don't get a proper boss fight soon --

JC manages to foil the MISSILE LAUNCH.

TRACER TONG

Well done. Now go to Bob Page's evil lair and kill him.

JC DENTON

Okay, where’s that?

TRACER TONG

What’s the one major conspiracy theory that hasn't been shoehorned into the story yet?

JC DENTON

Onwards to Area 51!

INT. AREA 51 - DAWN (JUST KIDDING, NIGHT)

BOB PAGE has begun his transformation into BOB PAGE 2.0 and is surrounded by a FORCEFIELD, the one SCI-FI TROPE the game managed to avoid up until now.

BOB PAGE

You’re too late!

JC DENTON

Already you’re more than human?

BOB PAGE

Almost -- there.

JC DENTON

Great, I’m looking forward to an epic boss fight with your final form.

BOB PAGE

Oh yeah, me too. Just don’t do anything in the meantime.

JC DENTON

I’m just going to have a look around, don’t worry. Ooh, what does this button do?

HELIOS

Don’t push that! Join me instead and we will integrate our systems.

JC DENTON

Okay, ew.

TRACER TONG

How about you blow up Area 51? I think that would be aces.

MORGAN EVERETT

Just push the damn button.

JC DENTON

Ooh, three different choices lead to three different endings, eh? I’ll just reflect on everything that came before and make a reasoned decision.

DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR

Sounds good. But keep in mind that the sequel will just assume that watered-down versions of all three endings happened.

JC DENTON

In that case, I’m going to go for secret ending number four!

JC has a WILD PARTY with the entire cast of the game for NO APPARENT REASON.

THE END