
FADE IN:
EXT. LIBERTY ISLAND - NIGHT
After an INTRO SEQUENCE which makes NO FUCKING SENSE, we find ourselves in the boots of JC DENTON on the SOUTH DOCK of LIBERTY ISLAND.
JC DENTON
Whoa, I sound like Jack Bauer on Quaaludes.
PAUL DENTON
Hello, JC.
JC DENTON
I’m sorry, do we know each other?
PAUL DENTON
I’m your brother. Remember Dad’s old brown suit?
JC DENTON
Oh right. So what are we doing?
PAUL DENTON
NSF terrorists are trapped in the Statue after hijacking a shipment of Ambrosia, the cure to a deadly pandemic called the Gray Death. UNATCO makes sure the limited supply of Ambrosia gets to government agencies and key industries. But they’re actually controlled by a group called MJ-12 which seeks to --
JC DENTON
MJ-what?
PAUL DENTON
Whoops, I was getting ahead of myself. Hey look, you can pick an additional shiny weapon!
JC DENTON
Ooh, shiny!
PAUL DENTON
You can have a GEP gun, a --
JC DENTON
Give me the GEP gun.
PAUL DENTON
I haven’t even told you about the other weapons yet!
JC DENTON
Yeah, but I saw a kid running around and I kinda want to see if I can shoot him.
PAUL DENTON
Stick with the prod.
A hapless NSF TERRORIST wanders onto the dock. PAUL immediately whips out an ASSAULT RIFLE and guns him down.
JC DENTON
Dude, what the fuck? You’re preaching pacifism and then you turn all badass!
PAUL DENTON
I don’t know what came over me! Maybe an AI routine. Whatever. I’m going to watch the coast.
JC DENTON
Guess I’ll head for the Statue. Holy crap, what's wrong with it?
PAUL DENTON
It was bombed by terrorists a couple of years ago.
JC DENTON
No, I mean it looks like somebody textured a sponge. I shit more polygons than that.
JC goes around the ISLAND shooting TERRORISTS in the FACE, because that’s what his BROTHER would do apparently.
INT. STATUE OF LIBERTY - NIGHT
JC makes it inside the STATUE and finds the TERRORIST LEADER.
TERRORIST LEADER
I surrender!
JC DENTON
Tell me about the shipment.
TERRORIST LEADER
Did you know that corporations only pay about five percent of federal taxes now?
JC DENTON
Uhh, I asked about the shipment.
TERRORIST LEADER
Oh, and nineteen of the last twenty-three U.S. presidents have been members of the Trilateral Commission.
JC presses his GUN against the TERRORIST LEADER’s forehead.
JC DENTON
That's not what I asked!
TERRORIST LEADER
Also, a caterpillar has 2,087 minute hairs on each leg.
JC FIRES.
TERRORIST LEADER
Erm -- you missed.
JC DENTON
Shut up! I’m untrained and I don’t have any skill points left.
PAUL DENTON
You’re a complete jackass, I think. Go see our boss.
INT. UNATCO BASE - NIGHT
JC roams the base, accessing COMPUTERS everywhere and generally invading everyone’s PRIVACY.
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
Hey, go into the women's bathroom.
JC DENTON
Sorry, what?
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
Seriously, go into the women's bathroom.
JC makes a TOTAL ASS of himself.
JC DENTON
Thanks, dickhead. What was the point of that?
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
(glib)
Oh, nothing.
Giving it no further thought, JC meets his BOSS, JOSEPH MANDERLEY.
JC DENTON
Reporting for duty, sir.
JOSEPH MANDERLEY
Heh, you said doody. Ahem. Your job will be to find a generator and shut it down so Paul's team can raid a warehouse where the Ambrosia is being held. I have a feeling Paul will totally flake out, so you'll probably end up doing his job as well.
JC DENTON
I won’t question that in any way.
JOSEPH MANDERLEY
Meet your partner, Anna Navarre.
ANNA NAVARRE
Hello. May you be strung up by your balls. With barbed wire. Over a cliff.
JC DENTON
Holy Jesus fuck! Sorry, it’s just that you look like Two-Face’s ugly sister.
ANNA NAVARRE
I get that a lot. So I’m the counterpoint to your brother’s pacifism. Since you’ll be working alongside me, this will surely add some gravity to the choice of how to approach a combat situation.
JC DENTON
Not really, I’ve already decided to be a massive prick.
ANNA NAVARRE
Oh good. Nice baggy coat, by the way.
JC DENTON
It makes me look bigger.
JOSEPH MANDERLEY
Right, off you go. Oh and JC, stay out of the goddamn women's bathroom.
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
See? See? We accounted for everything! EVERYTHING!
JC DENTON
Then why does nobody bat an eye when I destroy every piece of furniture in the base?
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
Everything except that.
JC DENTON
And why --
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
Can't hear you! Loading!
EXT. HELL’S KITCHEN - NIGHT
JC runs around meddling in people’s lives, since they always ask his advice even though he’s an INCONSIDERATE DOUCHE who dangles CANDY BARS in front of STARVING KIDS and steps on CATS for a laugh.
JC DENTON
I’m looking for a large generator.
GILBERT RENTON
My daughter is somewhere out there! I'm positive she's being threatened into prostitution by some lowlife at this very moment!
JC DENTON
Don't worry, nothing will happen until I come along. That's the way these things work. Now, about that generator?
Eventually, JC blows up the GENERATOR along with a bunch of NSF TERRORISTS. When completing his brother's assignment, he learns that PAUL is actually working for the NSF, as evidenced by HIM SAYING SO OUTRIGHT. Oh, and by THAT ONE TERRORIST who mentioned him, although it might've been ANOTHER TERRORIST WHO'S ALSO NAMED PAUL.
PAUL DENTON
Nope, it was me.
JC DENTON
So all that pacifist guff about not killing anyone was because the terrorists are actually your friends?
PAUL DENTON
Sure, why not. Now go talk to Lebedev while I mysteriously disappear.
He DOES.
INT. 747 JET - NIGHT
JC approaches JUAN LEBEDEV, the man he’s supposed to KILL TO DEATH.
JC DENTON
You surrender too, I take it?
JUAN LEBEDEV
You know it.
JC DENTON
Goddamnit, when do I get a fucking boss fight? Fine, tell me what you know.
JUAN LEBEDEV
Yeah, I think I'm just going to wait a while until I’m sure to be interrupted right when I’m about to say something revealing.
ANNA NAVARRE
I’m here! Did I miss anything?
JC DENTON
Hmm, I feel as though I have to make an important, possibly career-affecting and life-altering decision here.
ANNA shoots LEBEDEV in the HEAD. Then SHITS in his MOUTH. Then BURNS his CORPSE.
JC DENTON
Hey, I hadn’t decided on anything yet!
ANNA NAVARRE
Indecision is also a decision. Return to base, agent.
JC DENTON
Hrmph, fine.
INT. UNATCO BASE - NIGHT
JC returns to BASE where he learns that his brother is going to DIE.
JC DENTON
A killswitch? Seriously, not cool.
JOSEPH MANDERLEY
You should really read the fine print on your employment contract. I’m sending you to Hong Kong to kill a man named Tracer Tong. But if your pilot should decide to take you somewhere else against my orders, that’s fine too.
This HAPPENS.
INT. PAUL’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JC is taken to see PAUL, who is suffering from intense PAIN. He demonstrates this by sitting UPRIGHT in a CHAIR and GROANING once.
PAUL DENTON
I need you to go send a signal to the other resistance members.
JC DENTON
Okay, what’s my other option?
PAUL DENTON
Excuse me?
JC DENTON
Well, I’ve been given choices at every turn so far. Can’t I choose to stay with UNATCO despite obvious indications that they’re corrupted?
PAUL DENTON
Nope, sorry.
JC DENTON
Great, I’m sure that means the bad guys will be portrayed as really evil to justify this lack of choice.
WALTON SIMONS
I’m sorry, did you even see me in the intro? Callous disregard for human lives and all? Anyways, I’ve ordered the troops to kill you, because frankly, I don’t have the patience to listen to constant exposition.
UNATCO TROOPERS now attack JC, but they’re actually GOOD GUYS who think JC is the BAD GUY. This poses a poignant MORAL DILEMMA on whether or not to use LETHAL FORCE.
JC DENTON
No it doesn’t. EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKERS! BRAAAAAAAAAA!
UNATCO TROOPER
Wait, don’t you feel some kind of emotional connection to me, since we’ve been on friendly terms up until now and I’m simply following orders because I'm affably naive?
JC DENTON
What? I can’t hear you over the sound of me shooting you.
UNATCO TROOPER
Never mind.
(dies)
JC returns to his BROTHER.
JC DENTON
So yeah, I’ve sent that signal and everything, even though I didn’t really want to. Come on, out the window.
PAUL DENTON
I can’t manage the climb.
JC DENTON
Too much pain?
PAUL DENTON
No, us NPCs don’t have animation sets for that sort of thing. Go!
Against overwhelming odds, JC manages to reach his HELICOPTER. But since the story kind of requires JC to be caught regardless of what he does, this is UTTERLY IGNORED.
INT. SECRET FACILITY - PROBABLY NIGHT
JC is locked up in a PRISON CELL.
JC DENTON
(singing)
They gonna hang me in the mornin’, a’fore this night is done. They gonna hang me in the mornin’, and I’ll never see the sun.
DAEDALUS
If you stop singing, I'll open the door for you.
JC DENTON
Whoa, who are you?
DAEDALUS
I’m an artificial intelligence existing on the Internet.
JC DENTON
Good thing my prison door is on-line so you could open it.
JC encounters another PRISONER, MIGUEL THE NSF TERRORIST.
MIGUEL
Hola. What do you want me to do?
JC DENTON
Hmm, no doubt I will be rewarded for my kindness if I make sure you leave this place alive. I will protect you with my life!
Eventually, JC escapes the SECRET FACILITY and ends up at the lower level of the UNATCO BASE.
INT. UNATCO BASE - YUP, NIGHT
JC DENTON
Holy shit, I was underneath the UNATCO base this whole time?
DAEDALUS
It was pretty obvious.
Like a FIRED EMPLOYEE forced to walk by his FORMER COLLEAGUES with all his belongings in a CARDBOARD BOX, JC runs into all the people he worked with.
JC DENTON
Whoo boy, this is awkward.
ANNA NAVARRE
I know, right? You sort of have to kill me to progress here. It’s unavoidable.
JC instead tricks a UNATCO TROOPER into opening the OUTER DOOR.
ANNA NAVARRE
Hey, that’s cheating!
JC DENTON
Technically, that’s an exploit. Hey, on a totally unrelated note, did you ever read Larry Niven’s short story Flatlander, woman?
ANNA NAVARRE
Why no, I --
(explodes)
JC DENTON
That was unexpected. Alright Miguel, looks like we part ways here. Now, what do you have for me? An augmentation upgrade canister? An accuracy weapon mod?
MIGUEL
Good luck, JC. I can make it on my own from here.
JC DENTON
"Good luck?" That’s it? All that telling you to stay put, painstakingly clearing each room of enemies followed by backtracking to come get you and all I get is "good luck?" To hell with this.
JC SHOOTS MIGUEL and gets aboard a HELICOPTER to HONG KONG, because WHY NOT.
EXT. WAN CHAI MARKET - STILL NIGHT
JC must find TRACER TONG. He meets GORDON QUICK, who apparently hires YOUNG BOYS as ENFORCERS.
JC DENTON
I need to find -- hold on, be right back.
GORDON QUICK
What was that all about?
JC DENTON
Sorry, just had to turn off that music. Seriously, was there a sale on leftover tunes from Airwolf or something? Anyways, I need to find Tracer Tong.
GORDON QUICK
He’s inside. But I won’t let you in until you prove your loyalty to us by completing a shitload of extraneous quests.
After playing FETCH MONKEY for a while, JC is allowed access to TRACER TONG’S LAB.
GORDON QUICK
Tracer Tong is inside. You have the thanks of the Luminous Path.
JC DENTON
Wait, you represent the Luminous Path? The Red Arrow leader Max Chen is sitting pretty in the back office of his own nightclub and you’re on guard duty outside in the cold? You can't even afford a shirt.
GORDON QUICK
Your point?
JC DENTON
Oh, nothing. Tracer Tong is inside, then?
INT. TRACER TONG’S LAB - YOU GUESSED IT, NIGHT
JC meets TRACER TONG.
JC DENTON
One moment, I have to check my V-sync settings. There are tearing artifacts all over your face.
TRACER TONG
No no, those are scars.
JC DENTON
Oh right. Sorry.
TRACER TONG
Hey, how about you infiltrate the Versalife facility and get me the source code to the lightsabre -- I mean, the Dragon's Tooth Sword?
After getting his KILLSWITCH set to OFF, JC enters the VERSALIFE BUILDING which is conveniently located RIGHT AROUND THE BLOCK.
INT. VERSALIFE - NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT NIGHT
JC walks around the facility UNHINDERED, as his enemies apparently neglected to CIRCULATE HIS DESCRIPTION. In the LOWER LEVELS he comes across a BUM in a prison cell.
JC DENTON
Kidnapping homeless people for experiments, eh? You can't swing a dead greasel around here without hitting five conspiracy theories. At this rate I’ll probably run into gray aliens next.
BUM
Who, Clyde? He’s one cell over.
JC DENTON
Of course he is.
CLYDE THE GRAY ALIEN
Wurble wurble wurble!
JC acquires whatever it is TRACER TONG needs and barely escapes. Then he has to go BACK because he dropped his KEYS.
TRACER TONG
This is all linked to the Illuminati, who are in Paris for some reason.
JC DENTON
I don't speak any French.
TRACER TONG
Don't worry, neither do the French. They all speak English with ridiculously hilarious accents.
JC DENTON
Not unlike yourself, then.
EXT. PARIS - NIGHT, SERIOUSLY
JC arrives in PARIS to look for MORGAN EVERETT, leader of the ILLUMINATI. To find him, he must find NICOLETTE DUCLARE. To find NICOLETTE DUCLARE, he must find CHAD, leader of a PANSY-ASS TERRORIST GROUP.
CHAD
We use words and symbolic attacks to get our message across. We are not soldiers.
JC DENTON
Didn't I see you taking on an MJ-12 platoon in the intro?
CHAD
AI routine.
JC DENTON
Right, say no more.
Through a convoluted series of RANDOM TASKS, JC eventually finds MORGAN EVERETT.
JC DENTON
Why is it that, whenever the story gets stuck or trips over itself, a new character is introduced to keep it going?
(beat)
Never mind.
MORGAN EVERETT
So yeah, I run the Illuminati. Bob Page totally stabbed me in the back and went off on his own.
JC DENTON
Bob Page, eh? What about that popsicle in the basement?
MORGAN EVERETT
Ignore him. We need a nanotech science gobbledygook to manufacture a cure for the Gray Death. Go get one.
EXT. VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE - FUCKING NIGHT
JC saves some SCIENTISTS. We know they are SCIENTISTS because they all wear LABCOATS and sometimes GLASSES.
GARY SAVAGE
Thanks. Why are you so tired?
JC DENTON
(panting)
There was a lot of swimming involved in the tunnels and I never spent any skill points on that. Come on, how often is a secret agent expected to swim?
GARY SAVAGE
Got me. Incidentally, your next mission takes place in a partially flooded ocean lab.
JC DENTON
Figures.
DAEDALUS
By the way, my name is Helios now. Carry on.
INT. PASADENA OCEAN LAB - NIIIIIIIIIGHT
JC takes the LEFT MINISUB and hightails it over to the OCEAN LAB, which is in CHAOS after a CATASTROPHIC EVENT. This is so DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR can let people know he made SYSTEM SHOCK as well. After completing his mission, JC runs into SIMONS.
WALTON SIMONS
I have the same abilities as you, so this will be a good fight.
JC DENTON
Finally, a boss fight! Let’s go.
WALTON SIMONS
Wait, I’ve inexplicably trapped myself on these train tracks! Please don’t snipe me from a distance.
JC DENTON
Oh, for the love of --
JC kills WALTON SIMONS for being a total PUTZ. BOB PAGE then appears as a HOLOGRAM, because it’s the FUTURE, right?
BOB PAGE
I’m launching a nuclear missile at your friends! Bwahahahaha!
JC DENTON
Okay, I realise that you’re supposed to be bastardly evil to compensate for the absence of any possibility of siding with you, but come on! If you had a moustache, you’d be twirling it.
BOB PAGE
I think I’ll go drown a bag of puppies!
INT. MISSILE SILO - NOT DAY
JC enters the MISSILE SILO and overhears a CONVERSATION in which a man named HOWARD STRONG is built up as being a MAJOR DICK WHO EATS BABIES.
JC DENTON
Alright, this guy sounds like a challenge.
HOWARD STRONG
Haha, I'm completely batfuck crazy!
He BLOWS HIMSELF UP.
JC DENTON
I swear to God, if I don't get a proper boss fight soon --
JC manages to foil the MISSILE LAUNCH.
TRACER TONG
Well done. Now go to Bob Page's evil lair and kill him.
JC DENTON
Okay, where’s that?
TRACER TONG
What’s the one major conspiracy theory that hasn't been shoehorned into the story yet?
JC DENTON
Onwards to Area 51!
INT. AREA 51 - DAWN (JUST KIDDING, NIGHT)
BOB PAGE has begun his transformation into BOB PAGE 2.0 and is surrounded by a FORCEFIELD, the one SCI-FI TROPE the game managed to avoid up until now.
BOB PAGE
You’re too late!
JC DENTON
Already you’re more than human?
BOB PAGE
Almost -- there.
JC DENTON
Great, I’m looking forward to an epic boss fight with your final form.
BOB PAGE
Oh yeah, me too. Just don’t do anything in the meantime.
JC DENTON
I’m just going to have a look around, don’t worry. Ooh, what does this button do?
HELIOS
Don’t push that! Join me instead and we will integrate our systems.
JC DENTON
Okay, ew.
TRACER TONG
How about you blow up Area 51? I think that would be aces.
MORGAN EVERETT
Just push the damn button.
JC DENTON
Ooh, three different choices lead to three different endings, eh? I’ll just reflect on everything that came before and make a reasoned decision.
DEVELOPER WARREN SPECTOR
Sounds good. But keep in mind that the sequel will just assume that watered-down versions of all three endings happened.
JC DENTON
In that case, I’m going to go for secret ending number four!
JC has a WILD PARTY with the entire cast of the game for NO APPARENT REASON.
THE END
Comments
This is gold.
This is gold.
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