Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare - The Movie

Anyone up for a game of bridge?

FADE IN:

EXT. EARTH OR THEREABOUTS

GAZ, who couldn't possibly be more BRITISH, is an SAS COMMANDO speaking to his SUPERIOR, CAPTAIN PRICE. They are talking over one of those MAP ROOM THINGIES that looks like it's from DOCTOR STRANGELOVE as it ominously zooms in on the MIDDLE EAST.

GAZ (V.O.)

Yeah, it's war, innit? Forget about the myriad scenarios of World War 2 that can still be stripmined for easy pathos, it's high time for shooters to tackle a wildly fictionalised modern world instead! So, Russia, obviously. There’s a civil war between Ultranationalists and Loyalists brewing. Oh, and there's nukes. Are you paying attention yet?

CAPTAIN PRICE (V.O.)

Just another day at the office.

GAZ (V.O.)

Seriously? Your first line is one of the most vapid action clichés ever uttered?

(sighs)

Anyway, also the Middle-East, because of course. There’s a bad guy. His name is Khaled Al-Asad and he’s definitely NOT Iraqi, got it? Seriously, I was handed a two-page memo from legal this morning and they were pretty adamant about that part. Also, we have to break in a new guy, so let’s head on over to the inevitable training mission.

EXT. SAS TRAINING CAMP - CREDENHILL

GAZ is training the NEW GUY, who is named after THE FIRST THING THE WRITER SAW WHEN HE WALKED INTO HIS BATHROOM IN THE MORNING.

GAZ

Alright Soap, grab a rifle and --

SOAP

Wait, Soap? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m an SAS commando and my name is Soap?

GAZ

Yeah, it’s just part of the whole fraternity of soldiers thing. We all get wacky names.

SOAP

What the hell is a Gaz?

GAZ

(beat)

Most of us get wacky names. Besides, you aren’t even supposed to talk until the next game, so shut your mouth! All you get is painful breathing into a microphone. Now go through a series of rudimentary basic tasks, even though you’ve been hand-selected as the cream of the crop to join this highly elite special forces outfit.

SOAP putters his way through BASIC SHOOTER THINGS and is then introduced to CAPTAIN PRICE, who apparently SNEEZED HIS MOUSTACHE ONTO HIS FACE.

CAPTAIN PRICE

What the hell kind of name is Soap, anyway?

SOAP

(glares at Gaz)

CAPTAIN PRICE

Right, kill these cardboard cutouts of opponents. It won’t be much different from what you’ll be doing for the rest of the game, but it’s easier to establish stakes this way.

GAZ

The ol’ narrative tension through artificial escalation, eh Captain?

CAPTAIN PRICE

You said it! Now let’s go murder a bunch of seamen!

EXT. FREIGHTER - BERING STRAIT

SOAP, GAZ, and PRICE are aboard a HELICOPTER headed for a FREIGHTER.

CAPTAIN PRICE

We heard about this freighter from our informant. His name is Nikolai, because if we make him obviously Russian, it will lend a sense of complexity and credibility to this Stallone movie of a plot. This freighter is lightly crewed and there should only be a small security force.

GAZ

(unholsters shotgun)

I like to keep this for close encounters.

SOAP

Golly gee, I wonder what movie you pilfered that from!

They proceed to INDISCRIMINATELY MURDER EVERYONE ON BOARD and then head to the CARGO HOLD.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Would you look at that! This box has a radiation trefoil and Arabic writing on it! Jackpot! Well done, lads.

SOAP

Wait a minute, what’s going to happen to this freighter? For fuck’s sake, this is a goddamn nuke!

The FREIGHTER is suddenly BOMBED BY RUSSIAN MIGS.

SOAP

Agh, never mind.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Let’s get out of here! Play the climactic music cue from Aliens!

GAZ

Yeeesss!

They escape the SINKING FREIGHTER.

EXT. DEFINITELY NOT IRAQ NO SIR

An AERIAL CAMERA shows a CAR being driven through the CITY STREETS. In the back is YASIR AL-FULANI, PRESIDENT OF DEFINITELY NOT IRAQ.

PRESIDENT AL-FULANI

Goodness, I’ve fallen victim to a bloody coup! No matter, it appears I’m a player character, so of course I’ll be allowed to turn the tables soon.

In the PASSENGER SEAT is a man named VIKTOR ZAKHAEV, who looks exactly like JEAN RENO. As an UNSEEN MEGAPHONE blares GENERIC FUNDAMENTALIST RHETORIC, the CAR is driven past RANDOM SEQUENCES OF REVOLUTIONARY VIOLENCE.

PRESIDENT AL-FULANI

Oh no, my citizens are being slaughtered! You guys are in for it when the Americans inevitably intervene and rescue me!

When the CAR stops, AL-FULANI is dragged out and TIED TO A POLE. KHALED AL-ASAD enters and speaks to a VIDEO CAMERA broadcasting the event live.

PRESIDENT AL-FULANI

Hah, any second now, a team of American soldiers will rappel down these walls, casually mention my military history, and hand me an AK-47!

AL-ASAD walks up to AL-FULANI and points a GUN at his FACE.

PRESIDENT AL-FULANI

They’re probably cutting it really close for dramatic effect, right? Right?

AL-FULANI IS JUST FUCKING EXECUTED along with any of the game’s remaining SHREDS OF SUBTLETY.

EXT. CAUCASUS MOUNTAIN RANGE

SOAP, GAZ, and PRICE find themselves outside a VILLAGE.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Alright, the mission is to rescue Nikolai, who’s been captured by the Ultranationalists. Ostensibly because they’re peeved about the whole “tattling on the nuke boat” thing, but mainly because we needed to have some non-brown enemies in this game.

GAZ

So are these the good Russians or the bad Russians?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Okay, that shitty line will need to be edited out in post. Damn, where did I keep my pen?

(beat)

Ah fuck it, I’ll remember it.

SOAP

Say, do you guys ever wonder if maybe, just maybe, we’re the bad guys here? I mean, we sneak around in the middle of the night and just -- kill people. Like, do we even know who these people are?

They cut the power to a SAFEHOUSE and proceed to MURDER a group of SOLDIERS over their TV DINNERS.

GAZ

Sorry, what were you saying?

They find NIKOLAI sitting in the dark. He takes a moment to SLATHER ON HIS THICKEST RUSSIAN ACCENT.

NIKOLAI

Thank for rescue me! Rubles! Vodka!

CAPTAIN PRICE

We take care of our friends.

NIKOLAI

Even at expense of murdering entire village?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Especially at that expense.

They all extract via HELICOPTER.

SOAP

I have to say, it’s actually refreshing to see a group of British soldiers headlining a game like this. Usually it’s all American bluster, but this is -- wait, why are we cutting away?

CUT TO:

EXT. STILL NOT IRAQ SO STOP ASKING

30,000 MARINES are sent into STILL NOT IRAQ to deal with AL-ASAD. SERGEANT PAUL JACKSON is part of LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ’S SQUAD.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

America, fuck yeah! Here to save the day! Oorah!

SERGEANT JACKSON

Oh right, we’re doing shifting viewpoints! At least now they can put a U.S. Marine on the cover.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Okay squad, before we go in, I need to run this memo by you.

(clears throat)

This is absolutely, unequivocally NOT Iraq. The brass was very clear on that. While we’re drinking straight from the jingoism firehose on this one, we are doing so in a completely apolitical and uncontroversial way!

SERGEANT JACKSON

But this chapter is called Charlie Don’t Surf. That’s not even an accurate reference.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Y’know, you’re not even supposed to talk.

The MARINES shoot their way through the IRAQI TOWN.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Al-Asad is broadcasting his generic fundamentalist rhetoric from a local television station. Let’s go get him!

They proceed to EXTERMINATE everyone inside the TELEVISION STATION, but find that the BROADCAST is a RECORDING.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

What do you know, Al-Asad was never even here. Awkward!

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS walks in.

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

Hey everyone! I’m black, so let me really lay on the stereotypes by replacing Al-Asad’s recording with some rap! Yo yo yo!

(chuckles)

The MARINES then get their NEXT OBJECTIVE.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Alright squad, listen up! We’re being sent to save a tank named War Pig because, well, frankly, they’re milking every war-themed pop culture reference they can with this one. The tank is broken down in a bog and our job is to literally go and sit next to it while enemy soldiers shoot RPG rounds at us.

SERGEANT JACKSON

Wait a minute, that seems like a lot of work for one tank. Aren’t these things so numerous that we’re basically selling off the surplus to suburban police departments?

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

God, I’m so glad I won’t have to put up with you for much longer.

SERGEANT JACKSON

What was that?

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Oh, nothing. Here, hold this Javelin launcher and when I tell you to, fire off some missiles that cost more money to manufacture than you make in your lifetime.

SERGEANT JACKSON

Do I need training or --

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Can it! We’re oscar mike to the LZ, so scan your six for tangoes. We hired a military consultant for this game and we are going to make sure you don’t forget it!

JACKSON sighs and fires JAVELIN MISSILES with CHILD-LIKE GLEE.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Oorah!

EXT. CAUCASUS MOUNTAIN RANGE

SOAP, GAZ, PRICE, and NIKOLAI are still sitting in the HELICOPTER, which is suddenly shot down by an RPG ROUND. They CRASH because they CAN’T CATCH A FUCKING BREAK.

GAZ

Oi, it’s like we can’t catch a fucking break or something.

They trudge through FARMLAND killing RUSSIAN SOLDIERS, saving exactly ONE RUSSIAN FARMER, and hiding in RUSSIAN HAY BALES.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Soap, grab that conveniently placed Stinger and shoot down all these enemy helicopters that we completely didn’t fucking notice before.

As soon as he does this, SOAP notices PRICE talking into his RADIO.

SOAP

Hey, who are you talking to?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Oh, just calling in air support from the American AC-130 gunship we’ve got orbiting around us. They can probably kill the rest of these soldiers in about two shots. It’s gonna be awesome.

GAZ

Of course the bloody Yanks have to get in on our mission as well.

SOAP

Have they been there the whole time?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Oh yeah.

SOAP

I hate you so much right now.

They keep MOVING while the VIEWPOINT shifts to...

INT. AC-130 GUNSHIP

PRICE orders the AC-130 CREW to provide COVERING FIRE.

AC-130 GUNNER

Whoa, who the hell are we? They’re really taking liberty with the perspective shifts here. I understand wanting to provide some narrative justification for unique gameplay segments, but come on, there’s something to be said for narrative cohesion.

AC-130 PILOT

Enough yap. We’ve got Russians to blow up.

The GUNNER views the ground below through the monochromatic glow of his THERMAL IMAGING SCOPE. Below, ENEMY SOLDIERS scurry around frantically, looking like nothing more than ANTS on the display. The GUNNER fires off a couple of VOLLEYS. A DULL THUD echoes from the PLANE, and seconds later, the SCOPE blooms in a tremendous flash of LIGHT as ENEMY SOLDIERS are thrown through the air.

AC-130 PILOT

Kickass! Oh, make sure you don’t hit the church in the village. Reducing everything else to a fine powder is perfectly fine, but not the church!

AC-130 GUNNER

Don’t you ever wonder if maybe we’re the bad guys here? Shouldn’t we stop to question if this kind of firepower for the sake of a handful of soldiers is maybe overkill?

AC-130 PILOT

Christ, not another one of these moments. I get it, morality in war is ambiguous. Didn’t you already pick up on that from the loading screen hints? Besides, those soldiers down there saved a farmer earlier, so that makes it okay. Now do your job.

AC-130 GUNNER

Yes, sir.

AC-130 PILOT

B-9.

AC-130 GUNNER

Battleship sunk.

AC-130 PILOT

Oorah.

EXT. OKAY FINE LET’S JUST CALL IT IRAQ JEEZ

JACKSON and his SQUAD are fighting through the CITY CENTRE to reach AL-ASAD’S PALACE.

SERGEANT JACKSON

So, do we have any actual intel this time? The last time we swept through a major urban centre like a tidal wave, all those murders ended up amounting to a big fat red herring.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Look, it’s hard enough already to justify your presence in this game. We’ve got to give you SOMETHING to do.

SERGEANT JACKSON

All -- those -- murders --

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

-- aren’t doing it for you? Why not hop aboard this helicopter and rain down death with a fucking automatic grenade launcher? Shock and awe, bitches!

SERGEANT JACKSON

Fucking hell, where can we even go from there? Dramatic escalation has a ceiling, you know.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

The interesting thing about ceilings is that they can be bombed into rubble.

After JACKSON bombs EVERYTHING into RUBBLE, VASQUEZ receives NEW ORDERS.

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

Jackson, you’re currently the player character, right?

SERGEANT JACKSON

Yes, sir!

LIEUTENANT VASQUEZ

We’ve got a squad pinned down inside the city and you know how NPCs refuse to move unless there’s a player character present. Get down there and stand next to them so they can extract!

Once that’s DONE, it’s back to the HELICOPTER for more EXPLOSIONS. The SQUAD is then contacted by COMMAND.

COMMAND

So, uhh, funny story! We know your entire presence in this game so far has revolved around capturing Al-Asad, but it turns out that he actually isn’t in his palace either.

SERGEANT JACKSON

Goddamnit.

COMMAND

Yeah, we got here and the place is empty. All we found is this box with a radiation trefoil and some Arabic writing on it.

SERGEANT JACKSON

GODDAMNIT!

COMMAND

Fuck me, right? Well, if we turn around now, we can probably make it home in time for Jeop-- wait, what’s this timer counting down?

SERGEANT JACKSON

GOD. FUCKING. DA--

An OBVIOUS NUKE is detonated, sending JACKSON and his HELICOPTER crashing to the GROUND.

EXT. IRRADIATED WASTELAND OF DEATH

A while later, JACKSON comes to inside the HELICOPTER WRECKAGE. He stumbles out and sees that the CITY has been COMPLETELY DESTROYED. In the distance, a MUSHROOM CLOUD flares.

SERGEANT JACKSON

You. Have got. To be FUCKING. KIDDING ME! It’s bad enough that we’re leaning on nukes as a MacGuffin in fucking 2007, but since when are Americans the dramatic sacrifice? Come on guys, you’re not playing by the rules here.

JACKSON eventually KEELS OVER and is clearly about to DIE.

SERGEANT JACKSON

Wait wait, I can’t die! The rules of dramatic escalation, remember? If you kill the player character off in the first game, where does that leave us in the second? Or the third? You’re creating a situation where the only narrative option is to push the envelope further! We’re going to end up with ridiculous scenarios! Invasions of U.S. suburbs! Who knows, even wars fought over giant space lasers! It’s untenable, I tell you! You’re setting yourself up for --

He DIES. Subsequently, ALL THAT CRAZY SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

EXT. VILLAGE - AZERBAIJAN

SOAP, GAZ, and PRICE meet with a RUSSIAN LOYALIST known as KAMAROV.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Right, the Yanks have cocked it all up, so now it’s up to us. Why send in 30,000 troops when three guys and a knife should do, eh?

KAMAROV

We’ve received word that Al-Asad is stowed away in a nearby safehouse.

SOAP

What’s he doing in Azerbaijan? Has he been here the whole time?

KAMAROV

Yes, but there’s still a couple of red herrings involved. You see, there’s four safehouses up there. Which one is he in? Who knows! Not us! He’ll probably end up in the very last one we search, though.

After SOAP pinches the BRIDGE of his NOSE, they all FIGHT their way through the VILLAGE and murder an INFINITELY RESPAWNING AMOUNT OF PEOPLE. Eventually, they find AL-ASAD in the VERY LAST SAFEHOUSE. PRICE starts BEATING HIM to a BLOODY PULP.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Tell me where the diamonds are!

GAZ

Boss, it’s nukes, remember?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Blimey, I’m mixing up my stale action movie metaphors. This is all your fault.

PRICE shoots AL-ASAD in the FACE because FUCK DUE PROCESS.

SOAP

What the fuck? The entire American portion of the game was spent looking for this guy and you just straight up kill him? He was our only lead and we’re only about a third of the way in! I hope this means the writers don’t start phoning it in any more than they already are.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Phoning it in, you say?

AL-ASAD’S PHONE starts to RING.

SOAP

What.

PRICE answers the PHONE and learns that AL-ASAD was in bed with RUSSIAN ULTRANATIONALIST IMRAN ZAKHAEV.

SOAP

Who the fuck is Zakhaev? And why does he have an Arabic first name?

CAPTAIN PRICE

So glad you asked. Time for an unnecessary expository flashback sequence!

SOAP

(groans)

FADE TO:

EXT. PRIPYAT - TWENTY YEARS EARLIER

JUST LIEUTENANT PRICE finds himself just outside CHERNOBYL.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

Ah, so I’m going to be the link between past and present, I get it. Cute.

(looks around)

Where the hell are we anyway? Is this fucking Chernobyl? Christ, that’s heavy-handed, even for me.

Nearby, CAPTAIN MACMILLAN emerges from a STAND OF TALL GRASS. He is wearing a CHEWBACCA COSTUME GHILLIE SUIT and carrying a SNIPER RIFLE.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

Oh goddamnit, a stealth level? Really?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Aye, but don’t worry. It will quickly deteriorate into a holdout/infinite enemy wave level. Much more on-brand. To be honest, the developers sort of just discovered what ghillie suits are and were dying for an excuse to cram them in here somehow.

MACMILLAN and PRICE trek through ABANDONED URBAN SKELETONS.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Oi, watch that one little spot right there. This is Pripyat, there’s radiation everywhere. Like immigrants in an American city, it tends to clump itself up in pockets. We should be fine, but if you cross that one line, you’ll die! Talk about invisible walls, right?

LIEUTENANT PRICE

But -- that’s not even how radiation works. Is the research team even trying?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Hah, research! That’s rich. In the next game they’re going to make Afghani soldiers speak Arabic.

They approach a SINGLE PATROLLING ENEMY.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

So I know I’m technically the “superior officer” or whatever, but we’ve just got such a hardon for illusory player agency that I’ll let you decide if we should murder these people or just sneak right by.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

(shoots the soldier fifteen times)

Come on man, this is a fucking Call of Duty Game.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Yeah, I’m not really sure what they were expecting.

They SNEAKMURDER their way through the COUNTRYSIDE and take up a VANTAGE POINT inside an ABANDONED HOTEL.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Great, now all we have to do is wait for Zakhaev to arrive for his undisclosed generic arms deal and we’re good to go.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

I sure hope we chose the right abandoned parking lot to stake out. We’re dealing with an entire city, right? Do we even have any intel on this?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Not as such, but I do have movies we can watch to get us through the three-day time lapse coming up.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

(sighs)

Fine, what have you got?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Brokeback Mountain and the director’s cut of Alexander.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

I think I’ll just take a nap.

INT. ABANDONED HOTEL - PRIPYAT

THREE LONG DAYS LATER, PRICE and MACMILLAN observe the ARMS DEAL through their RIFLE SCOPES. After the longest and most uncomfortable game of TRUTH OR DARE in history, ZAKHAEV arrives.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Alright, there he is. Now line up your shot. Remember to take the wind into account, because if you’re only firing one shot this level, we need to make sure it’s as needlessly challenging as possible. And don’t forget to take the coriolis effect into account!

LIEUTENANT PRICE

Roger. What’s that?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Fuck if I know. The developers just really wanted to slide that in there.

PRICE fires a COMICALLY HIGH-POWERED SNIPER RIFLE at ZAKHAEV, hitting him square in the CHEST. Following logically from that, his ARM flies off and he RUNS AWAY.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

I guess I should have seen that coming. I remember this guy from the future, after all. He’s never even bothered to change his outfit.

(beat)

Wait, why did you say I'm only firing one shot? Didn't you mention a quick descent into holdout-level chaos and infinite enemy bullshit?

MACMILLAN looks around and performs JAZZ HANDS.

LIEUTENANT PRICE

Motherfucker.

The HOTEL is BOMBED. PRICE and MACMILLAN only narrowly GET AWAY, but then a HELICOPTER crashes onto MACMILLAN’S LEG.

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Agh!

LIEUTENANT PRICE

I suppose this is where you valiantly tell me to leave you behind?

CAPTAIN MACMILLAN

Uhh no, fucking carry me. Think of it like an escort mission, but with way more latent homoerotic undertones!

PRICE carries around MACMILLAN like a little MOBILE TURRET and eventually they are EXTRACTED.

FADE TO:

EXT. VILLAGE - AZERBAIJAN

SOAP, GAZ, and PRICE are shooting LOTS OF DUDES from the SAFEHOUSE where they just MURDERED AL-ASAD.

GAZ

Captain? Welcome back! It looks like you sort of went dark on us for the length of time it takes to play through a flashback sequence.

CAPTAIN PRICE

(grunts nostalgically)

GAZ

So while you were memory laning it up, we got surrounded by a fuckton of enemy troops. We’ve mined the area with Claymores, which was probably the best use of our time. “Calm, quiet exfiltration” would make one hell of a boring level, right lads?

GAZ detonates the CLAYMORES, and the ENEMIES JUMP 200 FEET INTO THE AIR and SCATTER THEMSELVES OVER A WIDE AREA.

GAZ

Right, that eliminated about 2% of them. Now let’s cut through the rest and get to the extraction point!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Can we add a four-minute time limit to really annoy the piss out of everyone?

GAZ

How could we not?

After a WHOLE BUNCH OF SHOOTING, they finally EXTRACT.

EXT. GAS STATION - RUSSIA

SOAP, GAZ, and PRICE are going after IMRAN ZAKHAEV’S SON, VIKTOR.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Right, our mission is to capture Viktor Zakhaev alive so he can lead us to his father.

SOAP

That Jean Reno-looking motherfucker from the intro?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Yes, that one.

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS appears.

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

Hi guys! Can I come too?

CAPTAIN PRICE

What? Where did you come from? All the Americans were nuked!

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

Going against a lot of tropes, the black guy was the only one to survive!

CAPTAIN PRICE

Good for you, but this mission involves posing as Russians for an ambush. Have you ever heard of a black Russian?

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

Only every Friday night.

They stage an AMBUSH for a CONVOY carrying VIKTOR, but of course they FUCK IT UP and he ESCAPES.

GAZ

Shit, he’s running away! And because he’s wearing a tracksuit, he’s going twice as fast! That’s how tracksuits work!

CAPTAIN PRICE

After him! That means just you while we putter around, Soap!

SOAP

Oh right.

SOAP chases after VIKTOR, who runs up to the roof of an APARTMENT BUILDING and is there CORNERED by PRICE, GAZ, and GRIGGS.

SOAP

How the fuck did you guys beat me to him? And why are you now all standing around like a bunch of mimes?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Player agency! Hurry up and restrain him!

VIKTOR ZAKHAEV

(kills himself)

CAPTAIN PRICE

Good agency there. Whelp, guess we’ll wait for his father to blow his top over this and catch him in the act.

SOAP

What? We still control the scene. I’m sure there’s better ways to flush out Zakhaev besides just sitting around and waiting for him to make a move.

CAPTAIN PRICE

It's called reactive gameplay, not proactive gameplay!

EXT. ALTAY MOUNTAINS - RUSSIA

SOAP, GAZ, PRICE and now also GRIGGS parachute into the WOODS surrounding a MISSILE SILO.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Somehow Zakhaev, an upstart revolutionary, has managed to take control of Russia’s nuclear arsenal, and is going to launch nukes at the West because they couldn’t think of anything more overtly threatening. Frankly, diplomatic sanctions don’t play well on Xbox.

As they approach the SILO, ZAKHAEV launches TWO NUKES because we already had ONE NUKE so now we need TWO in order to maintain DRAMATIC ESCALATION.

SOAP

You were right, sir. He played right into our hand. I mean, we really have him by the balls now.

CAPTAIN PRICE

Just shut up and abide the mandatory mission-failure timer.

INT. MISSILE SILO - RUSSIA

They murder their way into the SILO with not a single peep from either the RUSSIAN or BRITISH ACTUAL GOVERNMENTS.

SOAP

I suppose I shouldn’t have expected any political nuance when this chapter is titled No Fighting In The War Room.

Once they reach the CONTROL ROOM, SOAP manages to DESTROY THE MISSILES in FLIGHT.

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

Guys, Zakhaev is bugging out!

CAPTAIN PRICE

After him! That means all of us this time!

EXT. ALTAY MOUNTAINS - RUSSIA

After a LENGTHY JEEP CHASE because REPLAY VALUE, the TEAM gets pinned down on a BRIDGE, where ZAKHAEV and his SOLDIERS show up.

STAFF SERGEANT GRIGGS

I got this!

(shot, dies)

GAZ

Hah, bloody yank! Looks like it’s --

(shot, dies)

CAPTAIN PRICE

Maybe I can --

(shot)

Fuck, I forgot about player agency! Fine, here.

PRICE slides SOAP a PISTOL, who uses it to SHOOT ZAKHAEV. He apparently DIES.

SOAP

That did it? He survived a .50-caliber round to the chest earlier, but this teeny pistol cuts him the fuck down? That’s kind of underwhelming. It just went “piff.”

CAPTAIN PRICE

Ouch, if you think that’s underwhelming, you’re not going to like what happens next.

SOAP

What do you mean? This has to be the ending, right?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Of this game, sure. But the next one is going to reveal that there was a different Russian mastermind behind everything all along.

SOAP

Fuck me. Is that why I’m named Soap? Because it just keeps going on and on and on?

CAPTAIN PRICE

Yes. Now lie back and enjoy the credits.

GRIGGS somehow comes back to LIFE and starts RAPPING. That is a THING that is now HAPPENING.

THE END

(MORE LIKE THE BEGINNING)

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