FADE IN:

EXT. PERSIA (OF COURSE)

PRINCE "WHO THE FUCK IS DASTAN" OF PERSIA is narrating over a bunch of CRYPTIC IMAGERY.

PRINCE (V.O.)

Most people think time is like a river that flows swift and sure in one direction. But I have seen the face of time, and I can tell you: they are wrong. Time is an ocean in a storm.

FARAH (V.O.)

An "ocean in a storm?" In this game, time can do precisely two things: move forward, or occasionally back up a bit. That's not a wild ocean, that's a train whose driver isn't very good at hitting the platform.

(beat)

Oh, it's me he's narrating the story to, by the way. Sorry, that was a twist in the actual game.

PRINCE (V.O.)

So I'm the son of King Sharaman, and as our story begins he’s sacking a city for the sheer fun and profit of it. Kind of a warmongering asshole, really.

EXT. SOME CITY

KING SHARAMAN and his ARMY have gotten into the CITY with the help of the MAHARAJAH'S TRAITOROUS VIZIER. AS IF THERE WAS EVER ANY OTHER KIND OF VIZIER, RIGHT?

PRINCE

Father! I’m a brash and callow youth longing for glory, and I mean to prove my worth in this, my first battle!

KING SHARAMAN

Very good. You take that battalion there and stage an assault on the --

PRINCE

Actually I was thinking I'd run away from the battle altogether to go loot a completely unguarded vault!

KING SHARAMAN

Wait, what? That’s so pointless, there’ll be plenty of time for looting after --

PRINCE

(sprinting across rooftops, chopping heads)

WAHEEEEYYYY!

KING SHARAMAN

Damnit, did somebody give him sugar? You know how he gets.

INT. VAULT

The PRINCE navigates half a mile of TRAP-LADEN CORRIDORS and finds himself inside a CAVERNOUS, RUINED CHAMBER where a DAGGER sits atop a FIFTY-FOOT STATUE.

PRINCE

So, this eerily glowing artefact is being kept by itself in a virtually inaccessible location in the most obscure, deserted corner of the city? No alarm bells there! I mean, if it was that dangerous, you'd think they’d at least put it in a locked chest instead of letting it just lie there.

As he picks up the DAGGER, a huge STONE BLOCK falls out of the CEILING, but before it can THWOMP HIM, the PRINCE happens to press a BUTTON on the DAGGER'S HILT and finds himself REWINDING TIME. Then TIME starts moving forward again, and the PRINCE is able to LEAP OUT OF THE WAY of the BLOCK.

PRINCE

Wow, what utterly contrived timing that a thousand-year-old ceiling would collapse at the exact right moment for me to discover the use of my magic dagger. But how else was I going to come across an appropriately life-or-death situation in this city full of swordfights and fire?

He leaves the VAULT to find that his ARMY has WON THE BATTLE, no thanks to HIM.

KING SHARAMAN

And now to take anything that isn't nailed down, and kidnap whoever we want for presumably slavery purposes, then just leave, seemingly without occupying the place at all. I seriously do appear to just be torching this place for its gold because it's on my way to Azad, I'm a fucking monster.

VIZIER

Sire, remember our deal, for giving you the city I get whatever part of the loot I want.

KING SHARAMAN

Of course, go ahead. Oh, but I claim that giant glowy hourglass and my son gets to keep his magic dagger. Those weren't the two exact items you wanted from the entire trove by some absurd coincidence, were they?

VIZIER

Fine, just change our deal on a whim. Not like my defining characteristic is my backstabbishness, after all.

EXT. AZAD

SHARAMAN, the PRINCE, the VIZIER and the ARMY all travel to the city of AZAD. Why the bulk of the GAME has to take place at THIS MADE-UP CITY and not the one we JUST LEFT, who can say.

KING SHARAMAN

King of Azad, I present you with this giant hourglass full of magic glowing sand! Traitorous vizier, be a pal and activate this sinister mystical artefact for me.

VIZIER

Very well. I'll just need the prince to hand me his dagger for a minute.

PRINCE

Psst, that's not the line. Check your script.

VIZIER

(checks script)

"Prince, open the hourglass yourself and I'll have to try and get the dagger off of you afterwards?" Man, who writes this shit?

The PRINCE opens the HOURGLASS, unleashing the SANDS OF TIME, which storm right through the CITY turning everybody into MINDLESS MONSTERS!

PRINCE

Oh no, yet another race of fictional not-zombies! What are we calling these ones? Infected? Inferi? Ghouls? Necromorphs? Walkers? WHITE walkers?

VIZIER

Give me the dagger so I can stop these sand creatures!

PRINCE

A bit literal, but I guess it works.

The PRINCE flees the VIZIER, kills a buttload of SAND CREATURES, parkours across some RUINS where he promptly falls a hundred feet and DIES.

PRINCE (V.O.)

Oops, I meant to say, I made it across the gap and did NOT die.

FARAH (V.O.)

That seems like a pretty weird mistake to make.

PRINCE (V.O.)

What, like you've got a perfect memory? You never get mixed up and forget that you didn't smash your brains out on a concrete floor? Excuse me if not all of us can flawlessly recall whether we’re actually still alive or not! Yeesh!

The PRINCE continues going aimlessly room to room, until he meets up with FARAH, daughter of the CONQUERED MAHARAJAH.

PRINCE

So I'm not affected by the sands because I’m holding the dagger, and the vizier is fine because of his magic staff. How are you all right?

FARAH

I'm wearing an amulet which also protects against magic zombie sand. I just happened to have it on me when I was kidnapped, and thankfully none of my captors bothered to swipe my jewelry. It’s awfully convenient, I must say.

PRINCE

Oh well, let’s team up to go stop the vizier! But since you’re a bit of a millstone gameplay-wise, we should probably get separated from each other as often as possible, starting NOW.

FARAH slips away through a crack, and the PRINCE keeps on by himself. He runs into some GUARD.

GUARD

Good thing you’re here! We need to activate the castle’s defenses, and it’s a two-man job involving moving huge rotating beams around in a giant puzzle room. Lucky it’s not the kind of thing you’d ever need to do in some kind of emergency!

PRINCE

Okay, so what the hell magic talisman or whatever is protecting YOU from the sands?

GUARD

Uhh, I’m wearing enchanted boxer shorts? Fuck if I know.

The PRINCE activates the DEFENSES.

PRINCE

Okay, now the halls are filled with all kinds of giant spinning blades. That’ll surely help me against the monsters who can completely regenerate from any slashing wound, and who don’t use the hallways anyway because they can teleport!

He starts heading through the PALACE again, teaming back up with FARAH. Then he runs into HIS OWN ZOMBIFIED FATHER AW SHIT!

PRINCE

Oh no! I’m sorry, father, I have no choice but to --

(knocked to the ground)

I know it's not really you in there, but still it grieves me to --

(knocked to the ground)

Please forgive me for --

(is killed, rewinds time)

What a cruel fate that --

(knocked to the ground)

OH JUST DIE ALREADY YOU POINTY GREY FUCK!

He KILLS his SAND ZOMBIE DAD.

PRINCE

Oh nooo, what have I doooone, uh buh huh huhhh!

FARAH

Sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you over my own victory dance celebrating the death of the murdering asshole who destroyed my city and kidnapped me into slavery.

They CONTINUE ONWARDS, occasionally separating, through a WAREHOUSE, a ZOO, and some BATHS.

FARAH

You know, people tend to go on about this thing as an example of excellent video game narrative, but I can’t help but notice that we’ve hit a long continuous stretch of just-go-through-the-rooms-until-you-get-to-the-place storytelling, like you'd find in things like the original Super Mario Bros.

PRINCE

Ah well, at least we've got banter! Banter’s kind of like story! Besides, we’re nearly at the vizier’s tower anyway, so soon the plot will kick back --

Sensing an OVERLY SHORT GAME, a BRIDGE hastily collapses under him.

PRINCE

Oops, better quickly rewind time to before the bridge collapsed!

(keeps falling)

Or, you know, not do that. Sure, let’s just fall eighty feet onto a stone surface and die.

(slams into pavement, large rock falls onto head, is fine)

What the hell is going on right now.

He gets up and sees that he is in a DUNGEON, surrounded by DUNGEON-THEMED SAND CREATURES.

PRINCE

Okay then, I was starting to think this city was populated entirely by soldiers and dancing girls. Now I see that they also had a completely ridiculous number of torturers!

He fights his way clear of the TORTURERS and out of the JAIL. Trying to cross a GAP, he mistimes it so that he runs straight into a SPINNING WALL BLADE and DIES.

PRINCE (V.O.)

Whoops, that’s not what happened! Here’s what really happened.

Trying to cross a GAP, he mistimes it so that he runs straight into a SPINNING WALL BLADE and DIES.

PRINCE (V.O.)

Ah. No, that’s not -- let me tell you how it actually went down.

Trying to cross that goddamn GAP, he fucking mistimes it so that he runs straight into a fucking bastard SPINNING WALL BLADE and DIES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

PRINCE (V.O.)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME OW MY BRAIN!

FARAH (V.O.)

Maybe this wouldn’t happen if you didn’t insist on describing every individual instance of jumping, wall-running and sword-swinging? I seriously can just assume you got past this gap okay, this story is taking FOREVER.

The PRINCE meets up with FARAH again, and they keep wandering MARIO-STYLE through a HAREM, a LIBRARY and an OBSERVATORY.

PRINCE

Okay, what crazy bastard designed this place? It’s bad enough that half the palace consists of unreachable platforms and impassable hallways that you literally need to be an Olympic-level gymnast to navigate. But what the hell was the deal with the mechanical platform in the middle of the library, which could only be raised by carefully arranging a bunch of mirrors and knocking down a couple of walls? That must have cost a fortune to install, and to what fucking purpose?

FARAH

At least that explains why there are no civilians anywhere. I mean would you live here if you weren’t being paid?

Finally they make it into the TOWER where the VIZIER is keeping the HOURGLASS.

FARAH

Hurry, stab the dagger into the top of the hourglass and you’ll end all this horror!

PRINCE

Waaaiiit. Me and my army sacked your castle for kicks, so logically you ought to hate me. Even though I’ve been unconscious around you a couple dozen times and you’ve never tried anything, there’s no way I can trust you!

FARAH

(rolls eyes)

Oh sure, this is a trick. Yeah, my priority right now is revenge, NOT stopping a horde of unstoppable monsters from chopping me in half. Stab the fucking hourglass before --

The VIZIER shows up! He CONJURES a MAGIC WIND that BLOWS THEM OUT OF THE TOWER, and then they fall UMPTEEN BAJILLION FEET but are unhurt thanks to the power of CONFUSING CAMERA ANGLES.

FARAH

Well, we almost had him, but now we’re trapped in some subterranean chamber, you FUCKING MORON. Look where your thoughtless egomaniacal douchebaggery has gotten us in the end!

PRINCE

You’re right, I suck. Sorry.

FARAH

Aw, all is forgiven. You are kind and good.

PRINCE

Buh? According to what logic? Wait, have you been falling in love with me for some damn reason?

FARAH

Sure! What, you thought just because you started the game stabbing my people to death, and have been acting proud, prickly, untrusting, childish and spoiled ever since, that I’m not going to fall head over heels for you? You’re the PROTAGONIST. Now give me some sugar!

She UNDRESSES and takes the PRINCE by the HAND.

PRINCE (V.O.)

And then you fucked me. You wrapped your legs around me while I pounded you until your eyes crossed. Then you let me come all over your tits, it was so hot.

FARAH (V.O.)

Okay, this is a part of the story that you SERIOUSLY should have considered leaving out.

PRINCE (V.O.)

But it's of narrative importance! Afterwards I fall asleep, and you swipe the dagger and ditch me.

FARAH (V.O.)

Oh great, so not only am I loose, I’m also a manipulative succubus who uses sex as a weapon. Classy story, man. You really know your audience.

The PRINCE wakes up to find the DAGGER gone.

PRINCE

Oh no, I’ve lost my time-rewinding powers! I’d hate to run into the single most difficult platforming section of the entire game right now.

He finds that to get to FARAH, he’ll need to climb a series of HUGE CRUMBLING TOWERS perched perilously over some CLIFFS.

PRINCE

Goddamnit.

PRINCE (V.O.)

And then I fell to my death. I mean, I fell to my death. I mean, I fell to my death. I mean, I fell to my death. I’m gonna be like this for a while, just bear with me.

Eventually he makes it up to find that FARAH is fighting SAND MONSTERS and NOT DOING SO GREAT.

FARAH

Oh wait, almost every single fight I’ve been in so far has ended up with me overwhelmed and yelling for the prince to save me, hasn’t it? Wish I’d remembered how fucking useless I was before I decided to take on the remaining monsters single-handedly.

The PRINCE hurries over to SAVE HER, but only manages to save the DAGGER while she drops several storeys to her DEATH.

PRINCE

DAMNIT! Fine then, I might as well just go and stab the stupid dagger into the top of that stupid hourglass, because now that I’ve lost everything who cares if I die!

(beat)

Wait, I STILL think stabbing the hourglass will kill me? So I still don’t trust what Farah said, which basically means I didn’t learn anything from all this! Jesus, I’m an ass.

He goes to the TOWER and, despite the VIZIER’S WARNINGS, stabs the DAGGER into the HOURGLASS. Suddenly, time rewinds AAALLL THE WAY BACK before the BEGINNING OF THE GAME, to the night before SHARAMAN attacks FARAH’S CITY.

PRINCE

Wait, what? I could understand it rewinding to right before I opened the hourglass, or maybe right before I first picked up the dagger, but why the hell did it pick this arbitrary point of time? And why am I still holding the dagger, I’m not supposed to have it at this -- ah screw it, I probably shouldn’t be looking a gift horse in the mouth.

He runs over to the CITY and sneaks into FARAH’S BEDROOM.

PRINCE

Farah! Breaking into your royal sleeping quarters was really easy, I’m starting to think we never needed the vizier’s help to sack this place after all.

He narrates the ENTIRE GAME to her, finishing as the SUN IS RISING.

PRINCE

And then I ran over to the city and snuck into your bedroom. "Farah!", I said. "Breaking into your royal sleeping quarters -&#45"

FARAH

Yeah, I think I got it from there. In fact, I think the only thing you actually needed to say was "Hey princess, the vizier’s gonna betray you, have him arrested right away." You know, instead of blathering on until like half an hour before the attack.

Suddenly, the VIZIER shows up!

VIZIER

Well well, good thing I decided to randomly swing by the princess’s bedroom and eavesdrop at the break of dawn. Die, prince!

PRINCE

What, you’re going to fight me? I’m the world’s most badass warrior, and you’re a wheezing old skeleton man with a cane.

VIZIER

Ah, but you haven’t reckoned with my magic powers!

The VIZIER conjures up a SECOND VIZIER!

PRINCE

So, another wheezing old skeleton man with a cane?

(chops him down)

Is that all you’ve got?

VIZIER

Um, yyyyeah.

The PRINCE kills a bunch of VIZIERS, then finally the VIZIER.

FARAH

Thank you for helping my city! But why did you tell me such a children’s story about magic and monsters?

PRINCE

"Children’s story?" This from the woman who was all "OH NO DO NOT OPEN THE HOURGLASS YOU WILL DOOM US ALL?"

FARAH

Also like a minute ago I watched a wizard make duplicates of himself appear out of thin air. But yeah, apparently I’m skeptical all of a sudden.

PRINCE

Oh well, I guess I’ll just give up on the idea of a romance between us. Farewell, princess, and Kakolookiyam!

(leaves)

FARAH

Woah, wait, was that my secret childhood word I’ve never told anybody about? Hey, you just proved your story was true! COME BACK, YOU IDIOT!

PRINCE

(vaulting over city walls)

WAHEEEEYYYY!

FARAH

Okay seriously, his dad needs to do a better job of hiding the Nutella.

THE END