FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL

We open on SOLID SNAKE, wait no, NAKED SNAKE, wait sorry, SNAKE IT OFF, ugh damnit, SNAKE ME UP WHEN SNAKETEMBER ENDS, eh whatever, we open on BIG BOSS waking up from the COMA he’s been in since GROUND ZEROES. He's being tended to by DOCTOR KRIEGER FROM ARCHER, OBVIOUSLY.

DOCTOR KRIEGER

Guten tag, herr Boss. Welcome to the distant future of 1984! You’ve been comatose for like eight years, ever since that helicopter explosion blasted your original face off and replaced it with Kiefer Sutherland’s. Here, take a look-see!

(holds up mirror)

BIG BOSS

(freaks right the fuck out)

DOCTOR KRIEGER

Oh hush, you big baby. You've got Jack Bauer doing your voice now, you’ll be fine.

Suddenly an ASSASSIN GIRL appears and GARROTS THE FUCK out of DOCTOR KRIEGER. She looks exactly like QUIET, except she TALKS, so she’s, uh, LOUD?

LOUD

I found the target. He just woke up. Naturally this is the perfect moment I should kill him, instead of any time during those many years he was asleep.

Instead, LOUD is LIT ON FIRE by ISHMAEL, whose FACE is covered in BANDAGES.

ISHMAEL

Call me Ishmael. Allow me and my distracting exposed ass to escort you to an overlong tutorial level.

BOSS tumbles out of bed and DRUNKENLY WANDERS after ISHMAEL’S EXPOSED MAN-ASS for like FIVE YEARS.

BIG BOSS

So who are you exactly?

ISHMAEL

I’m your friend. I’ve been watching over you during your entire coma.

BIG BOSS

I appreciate that, but it doesn't really answer my question.

ISHMAEL

It sure doesn't. Maybe I’m your Tyler Durden-style alter ego. Maybe I’m a character from a previous game. But probably I’m some convoluted plot twist that will only make sense to the other inmates in the padded room where Hideo Kojima does all his typing. The point is, you’ll be far too distracted by the flame demon to ponder this.

BIG BOSS

The what now?

Suddenly, a FLAME ELEMENTAL appears. The KID FROM THE RING wearing a GAS MASK floats behind him!

BIG BOSS

SHIT FUCK WHAT THE HELL?

ISHMAEL

Yet another one of Kojima’s trademark curveballs. I wonder what clever contraption you’ll have to MacGyver up in order to defeat --

The FIRE DEMON gets spritzed with a little WATER and FUCKING EXPLODES!

ISHMAEL

Alright then.

The two continue moving through the HOSPITAL. Suddenly, ENEMY AGENTS appear.

ENEMY AGENT

Alright men, our target is Big Boss. Let’s just do this quick and easy and --

The OTHER ENEMY AGENTS immediately start SLAUGHTERING LITERALLY EVERYONE AND THEIR DOGS.

ENEMY AGENT

Pointless gore it is, then.

BOSS and ISHMAEL sneak their way through a bunch of SEMI-INTERACTIVE CUTSCENES that pretty much boil down to QUICKTIME EVENTS. They get to a CAR and start DRIVING AWAY.

BIG BOSS

Alright, time for some answers. What the hell, fuck, and shit is going on here?

ISHMAEL

No time! The fire person found a fire horse and a fire bird!

BIG BOSS

Okay, did some code from the next Pokémon game accidentally get spliced into this thing?

They run from the FIRE MENAGERIE until a giant FIRE WHALE eats the BAD FIRE PERSON. SERIOUSLY. Then they accidentally DRIVE OFF A CLIFF and get HIT BY A TANK and then a PIANO CRUSHES them both but they’re FINE even though BOSS’S BODY should be made out of GLASS after almost a DECADE SPENT IN A BED.

BIG BOSS

Jesus, I need a cigar. Oh shit, Ishmael disappeared. Oh god, I’m all alone! Wait, who’s that riding over on horseback? Could it be? It’s --

REVOLVER OCELOT

(Revolver Ocelot)

Revolver Ocelot.

They ride away on OCELOT’S HORSE to the ACTUAL GAME.

EXT. MOTHER BASE

After a quick jaunt through the OVERLAND MAP TRANSITION from INDIANA JONES, OCELOT and BOSS arrive on MOTHER BASE.

REVOLVER OCELOT

So, let’s get you caught up with some backstory. You see, back before World War 2, the Patriots --

BIG BOSS

Let’s just stick to what’s immediately relevant, okay? Trying to understand Metal Gear lore is going to give me a nosebleed.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Fine. Well, remember how we spent all those years building up a base of conscripted soldiers on an oil rig in international waters so we could operate our own government-free mercenary army? And then some people came and blew it all up because of course someone did? Well, we decided to do the exact same thing all over again. Welcome to Mother Base, Second Verse Same as the First!

BIG BOSS

Cool beans. So, these are our brothers in arms, huh? I’ll be treating them with the utmost respect at all times.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Dude, you can beat the crap out of them for no reason. It’s fucking hilarious. Here, try it.

BIG BOSS beats the SHIT out of SOME ASSHOLE.

SOME ASSHOLE

Thank you sir, may I have another?

BIG BOSS

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Now let me introduce you to our new game mechanic. Balloons! You can staple balloons to people, animals, and objects, and we’ll collect them from the sky and bring them home. Go ahead, balloon some guys!

Several RANDOM SOLDIERS get TRANQUILISED and BALLOONED INTO LOW ORBIT.

BIG BOSS

I stand corrected. THIS is the GREATEST FUCKING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED. Hideo, I want to kiss you on the mouth.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Alright, it’s time to go get Kaz back. Remember Kaz? We need him because of reasons.

EXT. AFGHANISTAN DESERT

BOSS and his HORSE deploy into AFGHANISTAN to do some SPY SHIT.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Now, the basic controls are pretty much the same as Ground Zeroes.

BIG BOSS

Yeah, that $40 demo really prepared me for this $70 game.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Let’s just run through the basics. You got your minimap, your balloons, and a trillion guns that are all customisable in extraordinary detail, none of which are quite as useful as this dart gun I'm giving you right now. You’ve also got your horse. You can train him to poop for you. Now go! And let the franchise come alive once more!

BOSS sneaks, crawls, crouches, shoots, jumps, rides, rolls, and generally DICKS AROUND for a bit.

REVOLVER OCELOT

(on radio)

Boss, Kaz is being tortured like a frat boy during Hell Week. You should really get over there.

BIG BOSS

Sorry. I’m just a little overwhelmed by an open world game that doesn't bog you down in tutorials and explanations every sixteen seconds and just lets you discover on your own. Looking at you, every Grand Theft Auto ever.

BIG BOSS sneaks his way into the BASE and finds KAZ.

BIG BOSS

Or most of him anyway. It looks like this game cost you an arm and a leg.

KAZ

Very funny, asshole.

BIG BOSS

Also your eyes seem goofy. Can you see at all?

KAZ

Sorta, yeah. That’s not really explained. But I can totally see that EVERYONE WE’VE EVER KNOWN IS A SPY AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO BETRAY US THEY TOOK OUR BASE FROM US ALL MUST PAY.

BIG BOSS

Slow down there, stumpy. Maybe we should, you know, pursue some diplomatic interests? Do some research, start up a charity, just so the world powers don’t view us as a terror cell --

KAZ

IT IS EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT THAT OUR BASE BLEW UP. I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE. LOOK OUT HUMANITY, HERE COMES A PHANTOM PAIN RIGHT UP YOUR ASSES.

They escape in a CHOPPER and head back to BASE.

INT. MOTHER BASE

BOSS confers with OCELOT.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Just so you know, we've been receiving all those enemy soldiers you've been strapping balloons to.

BIG BOSS

You mean they GO somewhere?

REVOLVER OCELOT

Yep. Luckily, every single one of them is totally fine with abandoning their families and comrades in arms to come work for us forever.

BIG BOSS

I will inspect the new recruits. You there, soldier! What is your name?

OCHRE CAPYBARA

Ochre Capybara, sir!

BIG BOSS

A fine moniker. And what do you do?

OCHRE CAPYBARA

Well, me, Chartreuse Tapeworm, and Tartan Cephalopod make guns. Give us a project to research and we’ll stick it in the oven for a bit until a new gun pops out that you can use.

GINGHAM HAMSTER

Also me, Neon Gazelle, and Black Whitefish can construct new parts of the base.

CRANKY DODO

And the rest of us can defend your base from other players in one of the least balanced examples of online multiplayer ever spawned!

BIG BOSS

Excellent. To show my admiration for the work you’re doing, I will only knock out a few of your teeth instead of the whole set.

OCHRE CAPYBARA

You’re the best, boss!

EXT. AFGHANISTAN

BOSS continues doing the DICKING AROUND THING.

BIG BOSS

Alright, stapling balloons to wildlife is the greatest gameplay innovation since the joystick, but I'm starting to get a bit bored with all these generic enemies. Got anything else for me, Kojima?

DEVELOPER HIDEO KOJIMA

Your wish is my command.

Suddenly a portal to the aborted SILENT HILLS GAME opens and WEIRD INDESTRUCTABLE ZOMBIE MEN jump out.

BIG BOSS

Fuuuuuck! They take like no damage! They can jump a million feet! I wanted a challenge, not enemies with access to cheat codes!

BOSS runs away and gets CAPTURED by a GIANT ROBOT HAND. Then, SCROTUM FACE, sorry, SKULL FACE appears!

SKULL FACE

It looks like you’ve fallen right into my trap. I’ve been following you for some time. Now I have you at my complete mercy.

(beat)

So, uh, bye I guess.

(lets Boss go)

BIG BOSS

(on radio)

Who in the name of psoriasis cream was that?

REVOLVER OCELOT

He goes by the name of Skull Face. He was behind the attack on the previous Mother Base.

KAZ

He must die! ALL MUST DIE!

BIG BOSS

For once, I kind of agree with you. Imma shoot that fucker.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Well, first we need you to go capture Huey Emmerich. Remember him? Otacon’s dad?

BIG BOSS

Not even slightly, but okay, I’ll go get him.

KAZ

HE WAS ALSO BEHIND THE ATTACK ON MOTHER BASE! WE SHOULD KILL HIM!

REVOLVER OCELOT

We need him to tell us more about Skull Face’s plan first.

KAZ

OOH YAY WE CAN TORTURE HIM! I'LL GO SET UP THE WATERBOARDING KIT! YAAAAAY!

(hobbles away excitedly)

EXT. STILL AFGHANISTAN

BOSS sneaks through some AFGHAN RUINS to get to HUEY’s base. Suddenly, SNIPING HAPPENS.

BIG BOSS

Dear god, I almost got shot! Who is this mysterious sharpshooter?

Off in the distance, QUIET gives a WAVE and then FLIPS OFF BOSS.

BIG BOSS

A silent, naked woman is chasing me through the wilderness with a gun. This is the weirdest wet dream ever.

BOSS and QUIET engage in a TENSE SNIPER BATTLE. BOSS shoots her FIFTEEN MILLION TIMES in the FACE and she FLINCHES SLIGHTLY. When he blows her up with some DYNAMITE, she gets a RASH.

BIG BOSS

Okay, I get that we’re not huge on realism over fun, and I truly appreciate that. But I'm putting bullets into this woman’s eyeballs. I don’t care what anime-logic magical bullcrap is giving her superhuman speed and agility, this should really be going faster.

Finally, QUIET is defeated. BOSS points his GIANT GUN at the HELPLESS NAKED LADY on the FLOOR in FRONT OF HIM.

BIG BOSS

This is uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable right now.

QUIET

(makes jerk-off motion)

BIG BOSS

It’s weird, okay! Fucking Kojima. JUST MAKE HENTAI ALREADY, GOD. IT’S CLEARLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

BOSS decides to ABDUCT her instead of MURDERING her because that’s BETTER for some reason. He goes on to HUEY’S BASE and finds him talking to SKULL FACE.

SKULL FACE

When will my Metal Gear be ready?

BIG BOSS

METAL GEAR?

HUEY EMMERICH

Did you hear something? Anyway, no, this Metal Gear will never be ready! It’s not tested yet! I’ve still got to buff out the bugs and add some new features and change my pants because I just peed myself! Seriously Kojima, what is it with you and urine?

SKULL FACE

A product being half-baked never stopped Konami before! Release the Kraken!

The METAL GEAR AWAKENS. BOSS grabs HUEY and BOLTS.

SKULL FACE

Hahahaha! You’ll never escape! Behold! The new Metal Gear, codename Sahel -- Shalehan -- Sahelophelous -- octopus -- GIANT STOMPY MONSTER GEAR!

BIG BOSS

Wait, why are you trying to kill me now? You couldn’t have done it earlier when you had me, quite literally, in your hands?

SKULL FACE

BECAUSE BOSS BATTLE!

BOSS does battle with the METAL GEAR, by which we mean he RUNS as fast as his TINY LEGS CAN CARRY HIM. He and HUEY escape.

INT. MOTHER BASE

BOSS drops off HUEY at MOTHER BASE.

HUEY EMMERICH

Wow, what an amazing adventure that was! I only pissed myself thirteen times! Anyway, I'm sure we’ll be great friends now that weave bonded over --

KAZ

JUMPER CABLES HA HA!

HUEY EMMERICH

(getting electrocuted)

What? Why? No! I’m on your side! I can be useful to you!

KAZ

INJECTION TIME HO HO!

HUEY EMMERICH

What are you sticking in my neck? I’m trying to help you! I can build you a new Metal Gear!

KAZ starts giving HUEY WEDGIES and then DUNKS HIS HEAD IN THE TOILET.

REVOLVER OCELOT

While Kaz is distracted by his new chew toy, I figure I should tell you a bit about Quiet.

BIG BOSS

Good, everyone and their grandma has been telling me for months that there’s some perfectly reasonable in-universe explanation as to why she wears about as much as she says.

REVOLVER OCELOT

You see, after she got lit on fire, some science bullshit happened to her and now she breathes through her skin. That's why she can't wear clothes.

BIG BOSS

...

REVOLVER OCELOT

Hey, it’s what we got.

BIG BOSS

I'm sure that's why she gets 95% of all the cutscenes while other, more developed characters are pretty much only heard over the radio, right?

REVOLVER OCELOT

Yes. But there’s a silver lining to that hilarious excuse to shoehorn in a babe wearing a skimpy thong. She’s the best goddamn partner in the entire game. Seriously, why the hell do we even need you? Quiet can turn invisible, run faster than a car, and can shoot the dick off a mosquito on the nose of a bad guy five area codes away. You and I could just stay at base chugging martinis while Quiet does all the actual spying.

BIG BOSS

Well, it’s a good thing she decided she wants to join us all of a sudden. Welcome to the team, Quiet.

QUIET

(rolls eyes)

BIG BOSS

Cool. So, now I got a horse and a hentai model with God Mode turned on. Excellent. Now, let’s go to Africa because reasons.

REVOLVER OCELOT

We also got you a dog.

BOSS squeals and starts RUBBING THE DOG'S WIDDLE FACE.

EXT. AFRICA

BOSS does more SPY SHIT, only now in AFRICA.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Africa’s going to require a completely different style of gameplay from you. There’s different animals, different camouflage, different enemies. It’s a whole new game. Fortunately, I’ll be here giving you a constant stream of advice on the radio, such as reminding you what a helicopter is every time you see one.

BIG BOSS

Oh Ocelot. I appreciate your smokey, inexplicably not-Russian-sounding Troy Baker voice. It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you.

REVOLVER OCELOT

I, uh, appreciate you too, Boss. Now, let’s get back to --

BIG BOSS

There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Hm, yeah, there’s probably at least a hundred bad guys out there. You might want to --

BIG BOSS

I BLESS THE RAAAAINS DOWN IN AAAAFRICA!

REVOLVER OCELOT

Rain is very useful. It can mask the sounds of your --

BIG BOSS

GONNA TAKE SOME TIME TO DO THOSE THINGS WE NEVER HAAAAD!

REVOLVER OCELOT

Goddamnit.

BOSS fucks around in AFRICA (I BLESS THE RAINS!) for a bit. Eventually, he discovers an ABANDONED HOSPITAL full of TONS OF AFRICAN CHILDREN being force-fed CREEPY NOISES.

BIG BOSS

What in the absolute shit is going on here?

SKULL FACE suddenly appears.

SKULL FACE

Pointless torture.

BIG BOSS

Oh shit. Wait, are you going to try to kill me again or lecture me again?

SKULL FACE

(flips coin)

Kill, I guess. Fire Person, attack!

The FIRE DUDE appears again and starts CHASING BOSS. They run into the YARD OUTSIDE and play the most menacing game of RING-AROUND-THE-ROSIE EVER PROGRAMMED.

BIG BOSS

Damn, my bullets do nothing! Only one option!

BOSS gives FIRE DUDE a gentle PUSH and he falls backwards into a KIDDIE POOL, which causes him to FUCKING EXPLODE.

BIG BOSS

I thought making plain old, regular water into an enemy's weakness got old after M. Night Shyamalan tried it, guys.

INT. LORD OF THE FLIES

Some time later, BOSS discovers CHILD SOLDIERS because AFRICA.

KAZ

Boss, you can’t kill them. Torturing and murdering everyone who ever looked at me funny is fine, but murdering people before they hit puberty is a mortal sin.

BIG BOSS

Ugh, fine. I’ll just tranquilise them and abandon them in the African wilderness for hours at a time.

KAZ

Far more responsible.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Boss, it seems these kids have a leader. They call him White Mamba. You can find him inside an opaque literary reference.

BOSS finds the CHILD SOLDIERS’ BASE.

BIG BOSS

(checking)

Hmm, pig’s head, conch shell. Yup, I’m here. Oh look, it’s tiny Liquid Snake.

ELI

What? No, my name’s Eli! I’m totally not Liquid Snake, no way, no sirree.

BIG BOSS

You have an identical trench coat, a mullet of the same douche-blond colour, you’re psychotic, intelligent, you have the same accent, your nickname is a type of snake, and you even call me “father” during the surprisingly difficult boss battle we’re about to have.

ELI

FUCK YOU I’M A PLOT TWIST ALRIGHT!

BIG BOSS has a surprisingly tough time defeating a TWELVE-YEAR OLD with a KNIFE.

BIG BOSS

Now I’m going to mail you back to Mother Base and let you wander freely about the platform doing whatever you want. Just promise you won’t plot to destroy me because you hate being my clone.

ELI

I promise.

ELI is BALLOONED to MOTHER BASE, where he does nothing but PLOT BOSS'S DESTRUCTION FOR THE REST OF THE GAME.

EXT. MANSION

BOSS approaches a MANSION of sorts.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Alright Boss, I think it’s high time we got some actual answers to go with the fuckton of questions in this game. Inside this mansion you’ll find Code Talker. He’s a code talker. He knows shit about science. And codes, presumably.

Once inside the MANSION, BOSS finds CODE TALKER, who is an ancient NAVAJO MAN.

CODE TALKER

Greetings, white devil. Care to have a hit off my peace pipe?

BOSS does this. SERIOUSLY.

CODE TALKER

Now that we’ve gotten Native American Stereotype Number 1 out of 2,456 out of the way, let me exposit at you. Years ago, I developed a type of parasite that attaches to human vocal cords. If it detects a certain language being produced by the cords, it will kill you. That’s why Skull Face was making those kids devour human screams. He’s feeding them.

BIG BOSS

That’s incredibly stupid but continue.

CODE TALKER

I also developed another form of the parasite that gives you crazy super powers because parasites are fucking magic. Quiet has been infected with both kinds, which is why she never talks. She also doesn't need to eat because the parasites let you photosynthesise.

BIG BOSS

Huh. So you’re infected with these parasites too?

CODE TALKER

Sure am, kemosabe.

BIG BOSS

So you photosynthesise.

CODE TALKER

I do. I’ve lived to be over 100 years old in this manner.

BIG BOSS

So, why aren’t you naked all the time like Quiet has to be?

CODE TALKER

GOD, JUST ENJOY THE BOOBS ALREADY, WHAT ARE YOU SOME FEMINAZI TUMBLRINA PURITAN HARPY?

BOSS and CODE TALKER escape.

EXT. AFGHANISTAN AGAIN

Having learned that SKULL FACE is going to give his new METAL GEAR another COLLEGE TRY, BOSS goes back to his BASE to confront him.

BIG BOSS

Alright, Skull Face is one of the most sadistic and dangerous men in the world. I’ve got to do this quickly and quietly. I’ll just sneak up behind him, pop him in the head, and --

SKULL FACE

(walks right up)

Sup.

BIG BOSS

Shit. Are you going to kill me?

SKULL FACE

(flips coin)

Lucky you. Come, join me in my exposition mobile.

They drive through the GORGEOUSLY-RENDERED WILDERNESS.

SKULL FACE

So, backstory time. Allow me to read you my entry from the Metal Gear wiki in excruciating detail. I was born in a small village. We were raided by soldiers and my face got burned off by scalding oil. Later I was pressed into service by those soldiers, in an identical way to how you've pressed hundreds of soldiers into your service, except they viciously beat me at all times, whereas you no doubt treat your boys with the utmost respect.

BOSS coughs into his SHIRT while AVOIDING EYE CONTACT.

SKULL FACE

Anyway, they also forced me to learn many different languages. This made me hate languages for some reason, so I forced Code Talker to develop an English language strain of the vocal cord parasite for me. Soon I will unleash it upon the world and destroy the English language forever. My Metal Gear and Fire Henchman will aid me in this quest by, you know, just sort of being there.

They ARRIVE at the site where METAL GEAR UNPRONOUNCEABLE will be deployed.

SKULL FACE

Now, the time has come for you to witness my plan! Behold! The Metal Gear awakens!

But suddenly, FIRE PERSON APPEARS.

SKULL FACE

Uh, it’s cool, bro. We don’t need you right now. You can just chill for a bit. Er, not chill, maybe, uh, smolder for a bit?

But FIRE PERSON isn’t listening to SKULL FACE anymore. Neither is the METAL GEAR! Both start doing things of their own FREE WILL.

SKULL FACE

No! Fire Person! You’re walking slowly towards Metal Gear! It will crush you! I know you've been hit by tanks, ambulances, fire trucks, bazooka blasts, and crumbling buildings, but still, getting crushed by it will totally do something!

FIRE PERSON

I’m the bad guy from Snake Eater by the way. Volgin. Remember Volgin? Russian guy? Shot lightning out of his hands? Liked to fuck pretty anime boys? Nothing? Fuck it.

FIRE PERSON gets SQUISHED by METAL GEAR, which is CONTROLLED by the GAS MASK KID.

SKULL FACE

I guess that’s what I get for skimping on the firewall software. Oh well.

(also gets squished)

BOSS does ACTUAL BATTLE with the possessed METAL GEAR. He DEFEATS IT after like FORTY TRIES BECAUSE THIS BOSS BATTLE IS BASICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. The gang then finds SKULL FACE still alive under some RUBBLE.

BIG BOSS

It’s karma time, Mr. Skeltal. Let us all give thank.

SKULL FACE

Please remember me as a charismatic villain and not some Marilyn Manson-looking asshole who didn't actually accomplish jack shit.

BOSS shoots his ARM, LEG, SPLEEN, and CLAVICLE off.

BIG BOSS

Wow, what a game. Tense, inventive, endlessly challenging, a real winner. Bravo, Mr. Kojima. I’m sorry I ever doubted --

There’s MORE.

BIG BOSS

Wait, what?

INT. MOTHER BASE

BOSS and the gang reunite for the SLAPDASH SECOND PART of the game that was THROWN TOGETHER with SPARE IDEAS when KONAMI SLASHED KOJIMA’S BUDGET after TWO YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT SERIOUSLY FUCK KONAMI.

REVOLVER OCELOT

Alright Boss, it’s time to take our operations up to the next level. By which I mean, we need you to repeat missions from the first half of the game, except on Hard Mode. Not even kidding, this is the game now. Redoing shit, but more of it.

KAZ

Meanwhile I’m going to finally accomplish something with all that Huey torturing! Get out here, you gimpy-legged nerd! You’re on trial all of a sudden!

HUEY EMMERICH

What? Haven’t you picked on me enough? I built you a damn Metal Gear, for crying out loud! You can send it on missions with NPCs and everything!

KAZ

Not good enough! We know you were behind the attack on the original Mother Base! Who were you working for? Where were you on the night of the twelfth? What were you doing with the candlestick in the foyer with Colonel Mustard?

HUEY EMMERICH

That’s a spurious lie! I didn't call the attackers to Mother Base! I just wanted the UN to investigate us so they could find out our nuke-possessing private mercenary army was totally cool! You can’t blame me that they turned out to be Skull Face’s mean shooty people!

KAZ

Bullshit! Behold! We’ve got this weird robot tube that’s programmed with the voice and personality of Boss’s mentor! You shoved your wife inside so she would suffocate to death! Seriously!

HUEY EMMERICH

You’re just twisting my words! I didn't kill my wife! She killed herself by locking herself in there, and then I only realised she was dead when I opened it.

KAZ

So why didn't you open it before?

HUEY EMMERICH

It can’t be opened from the outside!

KAZ

So how did you open it?

HUEY EMMERICH

Stop twisting my words! I want a lawyer! This is all a sham! You’re all terrible people! Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams! The moon landings were directed by Stanley Kubrick! Your dog is a wolf!

KAZ

The court of myself finds you guilty of being a shitty liar. I sentence you to be Life of Pi’d. Have fun in your life raft.

HUEY is shoved into a RAFT and pushed out to SEA.

HUEY EMMERICH

I’ll show you! I’ll show you all! Someday I’m going to come back and get my own revenge and --

(checks wiki)

Holy shit, THAT’S how I die? For fuck’s sake.

(pees self)

Meanwhile, ELI has been generally MURDEROUS and DICKISH to everyone, so BOSS finally sits down with him for a TALK.

BIG BOSS

Look son, I get that you’re going through a phase. You’re at a tough age right now. I think it’s time we had “the talk.” You see, when you want to cut someone’s throat, you have to make sure to sever both arteries or else --

ELI

No, father! I’m sick of being your prisoner! I hate you forever! Gas Mask Kid understands me like you never could! I’m running away from home with him! We’re going to start a punk band and smoke drugs and major in liberal arts!

BIG BOSS

That’s enough, young man! Go to your room!

ELI

You’re not my REAL dad!

ELI’S RAGE gets magnified by GAS MASK KID, who uses it to control the METAL GEAR once again. ELI hops inside and FLIES AWAY FROM THE BASE.

ELI

See you in the climax, father!

(disappears in a haze of budget cuts)

INT. HOSPITAL

Instead of that AWESOME ENDING that might have ACTUALLY MADE SOME SENSE, we instead move to a COPY-PASTED VERSION of the FIRST LEVEL with A FEW TINY CHANGES.

DOCTOR KRIEGER

Guten tag, herr Boss. Remember me? I sure hope you don’t, because we’re doing this whole damn “waking up from a coma” sequence all over again beat for beat. Oh fuck, that means --

(gets garrotted again)

BIG BOSS skips through all the EXACT SAME CUTSCENES until we get to the CAR CRASH for the BIG REVEAL.

REVOLVER OCELOT

You ready to get going, Boss?

ISHMAEL pulls off his BANDAGES and reveals that HE IS ACTUALLY BIG BOSS OMG WTF.

ISHMAEL

Sure am.

NOT BIG BOSS

Wait, what?

REVOLVER OCELOT

It’s very simple. You haven’t been playing as the real Big Boss at all for this entire game. You’re a “phantom,” by which I mean just some random jackass who was in the helicopter at the end of Ground Zeroes. We gave him some plastic surgery and hypnosis to make him think he was Big Boss. Meanwhile the real Boss, who was Ishmael, was working behind the scenes on random bullshit we’ll never explain! It's Shyamalan again!

NOT BIG BOSS

I -- I just -- oh God --

(vomits blood from sheer confusion)

As the CREDITS roll, HIDEO KOJIMA begins SLAPPING NOT BIG BOSS in the FACE with his DICK, then he HOPS onto his FIRE HORSE and rides as FAR AWAY FROM KONAMI as he POSSIBLY CAN.

THE END