FADE IN:

EXT. VANCOUVER - EARTH

SHEPARD is on EARTH, staring at a LITTLE BOY. When HE DOES IT, it's OKAY. JAMES VEGA enters.

JAMES VEGA

Shepard, the defence committee would like to see you and holy fuck, what happened to your face?

SHEPARD

There was something wrong with the import function and I kinda had to mush it into shape myself. But enough about me, look at you! Are you wearing your t-shirt over your armour or something?

JAMES VEGA

No no, those aren't shoulder pads. They are my muscles. I was actually auditioning for Gears of War, but BioWare needed a character that represented a newcomer to the franchise.

SHEPARD

LOL N00B!

SHEPARD and JAMES meet up with CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Come on, let's talk while constantly bumping into people to make all the upcoming exposition seem more dynamic.

SHEPARD

So I'm back with the Alliance after telling Cerberus to go fuck itself?

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Slow down, that's pretty much it and we still have a long way to walk!

Outside the COMMITTEE ROOM, SHEPARD runs into ASHLEY WILLIAMS.

SHEPARD

Hey Ash. I see you let your hair down.

JAMES VEGA

Yeah, female characters finally get some decent-looking hairdos now.

SHEPARD

Wish I could say the same for your outfit. You look like you didn't know whether you were going to a cocktail party or a warzone, so you dressed for both.

ANDERSON brings SHEPARD before the DEFENCE COMMITTEE.

DEFENCE COMMITTEE

We've lost contact with all our outer colonies. But just like when that was happening with the Collectors, all we can think to do is sit around with our thumbs up our asses.

SHEPARD

I realise that going against obstructive government bureaucracies and saving the day has been a running theme in this whole series. But now that you know the Reapers are coming and that I was actually right about them, you're going with indecisiveness and general cowardice instead?

DEFENCE COMMITTEE

(whimper)

What do we doooooo?

SHEPARD

We fight or we die!

DEFENCE COMMITTEE

I'm sure that'll do well as an epic line for a trailer voice-over, but we were hoping for something a little more concrete and practical.

The REAPERS then announce their ARRIVAL with that BWWOOOAAARRM from the INCEPTION SOUNDTRACK. They BLOW UP the COMMITTEE ROOM, killing EVERYONE except SHEPARD and ANDERSON.

SHEPARD

Guess I'll have to reserve my massive "I TOLD YOU SO" for the Citadel Council.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Come on, we have to get to the Normandy. Here, take my pistol. I'll just pull another one out of my ass for myself.

SHEPARD

Hang on, I just got like twenty new codex entries. Oh hey, the picture for the Earth entry is the Reapers attacking London. This thing updates fast.

SHEPARD and ANDERSON make their way to the NORMANDY while the REAPERS lay waste to the CITY.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Even though you're supposed to be the most badass soldier in the galaxy, let me teach you how to take cover. You clearly have no idea how to do that.

SHEPARD

It only looks like I'm teabagging this chest-high wall because the function key for taking cover now also does pretty much all other things.

SHEPARD then finds that LITTLE BOY hiding in a VENT.

SHEPARD

Look at that, it's the only child in the galaxy!

LITTLE BOY

I'm the only child in a videogame that has a war going on. I've played Modern Warfare 3, I know I'm done for. You can't help me.

The LITTLE BOY vanishes. Eventually, they make it to the NORMANDY. SHEPARD is helped aboard by JAMES and ASHLEY.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

I'm staying behind, Shepard! My fight is here!

SHEPARD

But who will order me around and take initiative for me?

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Admiral Hackett will now fill that role. You just make sure you've completed a shitload of sidequests and logged plenty of multiplayer hours for when you get back!

ADMIRAL HACKETT

We've gotten word that the original Prothean archives may have been retconned into also holding a key to defeating the Reapers. Get your ass to Mars. Hackett out.

SHEPARD

Hack what out?

As the NORMANDY flies off, SHEPARD sees the LITTLE BOY getting into an EVACUATION SHIP. A REAPER approaches.

SHEPARD

Oh no, that Reaper has a clear shot at us! And considering they've been singling me out for the entirety of the previous game, I guess this is it!

REAPER

That would indeed be the smart thing to do, but I think I'll just blow up that evacuation ship with the little boy in it instead and piss you off even more. KAPOW!

The LITTLE BOY DIES OH NO DRAMA BOMB. SHEPARD orders the NORMANDY to head for the PROTHEAN ARCHIVES on MARS.

INT. RESEARCH FACILITY - MARS

SHEPARD enters the RESEARCH FACILITY alongside JAMES and ASHLEY. Inside, they find CERBERUS TROOPS.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

It's Cerberus! They have an entire army at their disposal now apparently!

SHEPARD

The facility seems to be crawling with them. So let's take off our helmets as this elevator slowly enters an exposed area without any cover.

SHEPARD then finds LIARA T'SONI executing two CERBERUS TROOPS.

LIARA T'SONI

Hello, Shepard. I hope you paid attention to my action-heavy introduction which illustrates the end of my coming-of-age character arc.

SHEPARD

How did you know about the schematics, Liara?

LIARA T'SONI

Are you kidding me? We went after the Shadow Broker, remember? We killed him, I took over his network of contacts to use it for our own ends. Any of this ringing a bell?

SHEPARD

Oh right, I didn't get that piece of DLC. Little short that month.

LIARA T'SONI

I want to join your team, so please send off one of your current squad mates with a contrived excuse. I'd also appreciate it if you picked James, so Ashley and I can already start up some sexual rivalry.

SHEPARD

Right. James, go cover the entrance or whatever!

SHEPARD takes ASHLEY and LIARA deeper into the FACILITY. ASHLEY then confronts SHEPARD while LIARA looks on LONGINGLY.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

How do I know you're not still with Cerberus, Shepard? How do I even know you're still you? These are actually very legitimate concerns I'm voicing here.

SHEPARD

Rather than use logic or reason to convince you, I'll blatantly play on your womanly emotions.

(intense stare)

I want you with me, Ash. Wherever this takes us.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

(blush)

That's what I needed to hear.

Eventually, they reach the PROTHEAN ARCHIVES.

LIARA T'SONI

We only now noticed that the Prothean archives said "please turn over" at the bottom. So we found schematics for a Prothean weapon that can wipe out the Reapers.

(checks computer)

Wait, the schematics are missing!

A HOLOGRAM of THE ILLUSIVE MAN appears.

ILLUSIVE MAN

I won't let you destroy the Reapers, Shepard. We can control them! Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't want one as a pet?

SHEPARD

We've got an incoming dust storm that's moments away from hitting us, but damn it if I'm not going to exhaust every possible dialogue option! Why are you opposing me?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Come on, you need at least one other thing to fight besides Reapers!

SHEPARD

Where are the schematics?

ILLUSIVE MAN

My mole has them. Oh look, there she is now.

The CERBERUS MOLE turns out to be a TERMINATRIX. It manages to WOUND ASHLEY before SHEPARD takes it down.

LIARA T'SONI

If we take the Terminatrix with us, I can extract the schematics, Shepard!

SHEPARD

Do it. I'll get Ashley and Ashley's boobs out of here.

INT. WAR ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

Back on the NORMANDY, SHEPARD meets SAMANTHA TRAYNOR.

SAMANTHA TRAYNOR

Hello, Commander. I'm here to perform the exact same function that Kelly Chambers did, except without all that annoying psychobabble.

SHEPARD

Really? Then why am I not seeing a romance option right out of the gate?

SAMANTHA TRAYNOR

Oh, I'm a lesbian. You can only romance me if you have breasts.

DROPSHIP PILOT STEVEN CORTEZ appears.

STEVEN CORTEZ

You can totally hook up with me if you want!

SHEPARD

Whoa, I can be gay now?

STEVEN CORTEZ

Yeah, me and for some reason James have actually been easing you into it with lots of subtle innuendo.

SHEPARD

I'll pass. There's already enough of an irrational outcry over the fact that I can be gay.

SAMANTHA TRAYNOR

Bet they wouldn't make a fuss over my shower scene. Goddamn double standards.

SHEPARD sets a course for the CITADEL.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

SHEPARD asks the CITADEL COUNCIL for help in the FIGHT for EARTH.

CITADEL COUNCIL

We don't believe in this Reaper nonsense, Shepard!

SHEPARD

OH FOR THE LOVE OF --

CITADEL COUNCIL

Just kidding! Imagine if we were still throwing around air quotes, eh? Anyways, we're still totally going to overlook the bigger picture and focus on our own interests.

SHEPARD

Good to see that the imminent threat of total annihilation doesn't do away with political skullduggery!

CITADEL COUNCIL

Why are you blaming us for looking after our home planets when you're standing there moaning about Earth? You don't see us asking for your help!

The COUNCIL then takes SHEPARD aside.

CITADEL COUNCIL

We totally need your help. If you save the turian homeworld Palaven, we'll offer our assistance in the fight for Earth.

SHEPARD

So this is still about doing personal favours, except it's more saving civilisations than retrieving items from distant planets.

CITADEL COUNCIL

Oh no, there's still plenty of that too. Just eavesdrop on anyone having a conversation on the Citadel and you'll get five of those fetch quests.

On his way back to the NORMANDY, SHEPARD meets GYM TEACHER DIANA ALLERS.

DIANA ALLERS

I'm not a gym teacher, I'm a reporter! I have a request for you.

SHEPARD

Yeah, I don't really have the best reputation with reporters and not punching them.

DIANA ALLERS

You can take me along as an embedded reporter for a war asset!

SHEPARD

In bed war ass, you say? Welcome aboard!

INT. WAR ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD speaks with ADMIRAL HACKETT.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Good job on those Prothean schematics, Shepard. We were thinking of naming the weapon after the esteemed Dr. MacGuffin, but we decided to call it "the Crucible" instead.

SHEPARD

Now that our scientists have had a chance to look at the schematics, surely they've found out what this Crucible actually does?

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Nope. All we know is that it's a weapon, so we're building the living shit out of it.

SHEPARD

So you're putting all your eggs in one basket, except you can't be sure whether the basket will just blow up all the eggs.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

I prefer my atom bomb analogy. Now go to Palaven's moon to gain the support of the turian Primarch.

SHEPARD

Let me first walk around the Normandy and ask everyone about their families.

EXT. MILITARY OUTPOST - PALAVEN'S MOON

SHEPARD lands on PALAVEN'S MOON and meets with GARRUS VAKARIAN.

SHEPARD

Garry!

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Don't call me that.

SHEPARD

We need to find the turian Primarch so that we may ask for his help in the fight for Earth.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

I'll take you to him right after you complete this turret section!

SHEPARD

A turret section? Really?

After completing the TURRET SECTION, GARRUS and SHEPARD find PRIMARCH VICTUS.

PRIMARCH VICTUS

We can't reclaim Palaven without the help of the krogan. I'll come with you after wistfully gazing upon those red splotches on my homeworld.

SHEPARD

This is all going to be one long case of "you scratch my homeworld, I'll scratch yours," isn't it?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD enters the BRIEFING ROOM, where URDNOT WREX is arguing with the SALARIAN DALATRASS.

SHEPARD

Wrex.

URDNOT WREX

Shepard.

SHEPARD

We don't need to keep repeating that, do we?

URDNOT WREX

No, I think people get it. Anyways, we won't help the turians until the genophage is cured! How many favours deep is that now?

DALATRASS LINRON

Impossible! All they'll do is start fucking like rabbits again! Have you ever seen krogan politics? It's just two of them shouting while the rest grunt in the background!

URDNOT WREX

Doesn't matter, I already know you're keeping the key to the cure on the salarian homeworld Sur'Kesh. Shepard, to resolve this conflict, we’ll need to save the last female of a dying race.

SHEPARD

Oh really? Sounds like another romance option!

URDNOT WREX

It's the last fertile krogan female.

SHEPARD

Never mind.

DALATRASS LINRON

I don't like this, Shepard!

SHEPARD

Then start a goddamn petition. Let's go to Sur'Kesh.

EXT. SUR'KESH

SHEPARD lands on SUR'KESH and enters the SALARIAN BASE, where he finds MORDIN SOLUS.

MORDIN SOLUS

Shepard! Good to see you. Krogan female must be protected. Key to curing genophage. Huh, still can't form full sentences.

SHEPARD

Don't worry about it. I'm glad there's one character cutting all this meandering dialogue by half.

The SALARIAN BASE then comes under attack from CERBERUS. SHEPARD liberates the KROGAN FEMALE.

SHEPARD

Oh, it's essentially just a regular krogan in a niqab.

KROGAN FEMALE

Were you expecting Wrex, but with pronounced eyelashes and makeup? Like Lrrr and his wife Ndnd?

SHEPARD

Oh man, that would be hilarious!

URDNOT WREX

Now let's head to the krogan homeworld Tuchanka. Milady.

EXT. SHROUD FACILITY - TUCHANKA

SHEPARD is headed for the SHROUD to cure the GENOPHAGE, but a REAPER is blocking the WAY.

URDNOT WREX

What if we lure a Thresher Maw over to it so they'll fight each other?

SHEPARD

That's so awesome it has to work!

MORDIN SOLUS

My expertise and krogan female needed to cure genophage. Still, two of us will ride in truck with Wrex to lure Thresher Maw.

The THRESHER MAW totally CONSTRICTS the REAPER to death, which is HELLA BALLS-TO-THE-WALL AWESOME. SHEPARD and MORDIN enter the SHROUD.

MORDIN SOLUS

Something wrong, Shepard? You look pensive.

SHEPARD

I'm just trying to picture how this scene would play out if you hadn't survived the suicide mission.

MORDIN SOLUS

Just YouTube it.

MORDIN starts to release the CURE into the ATMOSPHERE.

MORDIN SOLUS

Must ensure proper release from control room, which is flammable! Or inflammable, forget which! Doesn't matter!

SHEPARD

Could you sing a tune while you sacrifice yourself to make it even more poignantly dramatic?

MORDIN DIES while the GENOPHAGE is CURED.

URDNOT WREX

Thank you, Shepard. I'm going to name my firstborn after you.

SHEPARD

Good thing your clan name isn't "German." You won't join my crew?

URDNOT WREX

Never thought I'd ever get to say this and actually mean it, but here goes. "I must go now. My planet needs me."

INT. AI CORE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD returns to the NORMANDY, where a FIRE ALARM is going off.

SAMANTHA TRAYNOR

Shepard, there's a problem with that Terminatrix from Mars! It's stored in the AI core!

SHEPARD

Maybe the problem is that you keep storing potentially dangerous robots in the AI core!

SHEPARD enters the AI CORE and finds the TERMINATRIX being controlled by EDI.

EDI

Notice anything new?

SHEPARD

Oh please be kidding. This is the sort of thing you'd read in awful Mass Effect fanfic.

EDI

Then I wouldn't try out my secondary outfit if I were you.

JOKER

Camel toe! Awesome!

SHEPARD is then CONTACTED by the CITADEL COUNCIL.

CITADEL COUNCIL

Shepard, we've received information that Ambassador Udina may be dealing with Cerberus. We started checking up on him after he very suspiciously dyed his hair between games. Please meet with us.

SHEPARD

I know, that mission objective already popped up in my journal before you talked to me.

INT. PRESIDIUM - CITADEL

When he arrives on the CITADEL, SHEPARD discovers it's been OCCUPIED by CERBERUS.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Shepard, Cerberus is trying to assassinate the Council!

CERBERUS ASSASSIN KAI LENG appears.

SHEPARD

What's with the bastard son of Raiden over here?

KAI LENG

Surely you've heard of me. I've already appeared in no less than two tie-in novels! Now, because I'm Asian, I'm forced to twirl my ninjato and assume this kung fu pose.

THANE KRIOS appears and starts a MARTIAL ARTS BATTLE with LENG.

THANE KRIOS

Feel free to step in at any time, Shepard!

SHEPARD

No way, this fight must've cost a bundle to choreograph and motion capture! I wouldn't want to interrupt it.

LENG stabs THANE and ESCAPES. SHEPARD then finds ASHLEY escorting the CITADEL COUNCIL and AMBASSADOR UDINA.

AMBASSADOR UDINA

Shepard is obviously still with Cerberus. Kill him!

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

I'm so confused right now!

SHEPARD

Everybody chill out, I got this! I'll just use her feelings for me again.

(beat)

Ash, you know me.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

(swoon)

I AM CONVINCED OF YOUR RIGHTEOUSNESS!

ASHLEY shoots AMBASSADOR UDINA.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Close one! Can I join your crew now, Shepard?

SHEPARD

I guess. Let me just go have an emotional moment while Thane dies ever so slowly. BioWare must be taking a page from Joss Whedon here.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

How do you mean?

SHEPARD

"Hey, you know that character that everyone really likes? Dead!"

SHEPARD and ASHLEY return to the NORMANDY.

INT. WAR ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD speaks with ADMIRAL HACKETT.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

For the second act, the quarians need your help with the geth situation. Hackett out.

SHEPARD

Seriously, what do you want me to hack out?

GARRUS VAKARIAN

You look tired, Shepard. Why don't you get some sleep?

SHEPARD

Oh no, then I'm going to have to be all symbolic in a dark forest again and watch little boys burst into flames. I think I'll go talk with Ashley about the Cerberus coup. I'm sure she'll have plenty to say about it.

ASHLEY WILLIAMS

Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to --

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

TALI'ZORAH SOMETHING SOMETHING enters.

TALI

Shepard, my people are locked in a war with the geth. They're being strengthened by a Reaper signal broadcast from a base on our homeworld Rannoch.

SHEPARD

Alright, we'll just do a strafing run and bomb the base.

TALI

Nope, as usual there's some type of air defence in place so we'll have to go in on foot.

SHEPARD

Of course there is.

INT. REAPER BASE - RANNOCH

SHEPARD and TALI enter the BASE. They find that LEGION is being used to broadcast the REAPER CODE.

LEGION

When the quarians attacked, the geth allied themselves with the Reapers out of desperation. We're sorry.

SHEPARD

Do you feel ashamed?

LEGION

Geth do not know shame, but I'll still hang my head all Charlie Brown-style though.

SHEPARD

What's the deal with the quarians and the geth anyway?

LEGION

You could just read the codex entry, but how about I make that more interesting by having you play Tetris as a shooter?

SHEPARD is TRANSPORTED to TRON where he sees how the GETH were almost EXTERMINATED by the QUARIANS because they were JUST TOO DAMN INNOCENT.

SHEPARD

This is the coolest history lesson ever.

SHEPARD then tries to DISABLE the SIGNAL BROADCAST, but finds out that it's coming from an ACTUAL REAPER. It is BROUGHT DOWN by the QUARIAN FLEET and a bit of POINTLESS TURRET SECTION.

SHEPARD

Why are you doing this? Or are you settling for that "our minds are too inferior to comprehend" crap again?

REAPER

For now, yes. Trust me though, when the actual reason is revealed, you'll be wishing we kept things that vague.

(dies)

TALI and LEGION appear.

LEGION

Shepard, I can grant all geth self-awareness by uploading the Reaper code to the geth consensus!

SHEPARD

Capital idea! I'm sure uploading a code designed by our enemies to a bunch of robots is perfectly risk-free!

TALI

You can't allow that, Shepard! All the quarian dickhead admirals are currently shooting at the geth! My people will be decimated!

SHEPARD

Wait! I have a Paragon dialogue option! That's like an instant win button without actually knowing what's going to happen. Kind of like the Crucible, actually.

SHEPARD convinces the QUARIAN FLEET to CEASE FIRING using a COMPELLING ARGUMENT of sorts.

LEGION

I must now upload my personality into the geth consensus to give them full consciousness and free will. Does this mean I get to heroically sacrifice myself too?

TALI

Well, you basically just flop over dead while some other geth strolls along and explains what happened.

LEGION

Not as visually rewarding as I'd like, but okay.

(flops over dead)

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Well, that's another impossible peace you've brokered, Shepard.

SHEPARD

Yeah, I guess that about does it. Unless the elcor and the hanar have some beef with each other, I think the third act can start.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

In that case, Dr. MacGuffin has discovered that the Crucible won't fire without a specific component. He wanted to name that after himself too, but I think "the Catalyst" sounds better.

INT. COCKPIT - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD talks with JOKER.

JOKER

Shepard, I think I'm in love with EDI.

SHEPARD

Figures that Scott Evil would fall for a fembot. I did have a talk with EDI about it. She told me she's going to rewrite her code to generate feelings for you.

JOKER

That is so goddamn romantic.

SHEPARD

So I see no problem in encouraging a physical relationship between a metal robot chick and a guy who can't even masturbate without breaking all the bones in his hand.

SHEPARD then speaks with the CITADEL COUNCIL.

CITADEL COUNCIL

Shepard, there is a sacred artifact on the asari homeworld Thessia that may lead to the Catalyst. We're only telling you now because political skullduggery.

INT. TEMPLE - THESSIA

SHEPARD lands on THESSIA, which is being OVERRUN by the REAPERS.

LIARA T'SONI

We must head for the temple, Shepard. I'm also expressing horror at seeing my homeworld burn. I redrew my eyebrows on to make a sad face.

They fight their way to the TEMPLE and uncover the ARTIFACT, which turns out to be a PROTHEAN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE named VENDETTA.

LIARA T'SONI

So the most advanced race in the galaxy never once realised it was worshipping a Prothean. Boy, do I feel stupid.

VENDETTA

I sense that you have almost finished the Crucible.

SHEPARD

Why are you speaking with an African dialect?

VENDETTA

I'm guessing it's a "cradle of civilisation" thing, which must be racist but I'm not sure how. Anyways, the Catalyst is --

KAI LENG appears to INTERRUPT VENDETTA and LENGTHEN THE GAME.

SHEPARD

Aha! Boss fight!

KAI LENG

Nope, I am still armoured with plot. You can fight me for a bit, but then I'll completely kick your ass in a cutscene.

SHEPARD

Great, and cutscenes usually make me out to be utterly ineffective.

LENG steals VENDETTA and ESCAPES. Thanks to some CONVOLUTED STUFF involving MIRANDA LAWSON'S ASS or whatever, SHEPARD manages to TRACK him to the CERBERUS BASE.

INT. CERBERUS BASE

SHEPARD fights his way to THE ILLUSIVE MAN'S OFFICE, where he finds LENG.

KAI LENG

Let me just knock the floor panels off and reveal the piping underneath so you actually have some cover to work with.

SHEPARD

Very considerate of you.

LENG is KILLED due to being a COMPLETE MORON. SHEPARD recovers VENDETTA.

SHEPARD

What is the Catalyst and how does it relate to the Crucible?

VENDETTA

The Crucible wasn't designed by us. It's actually been continuously improved upon during each cycle. Basically we were just as clueless as you are.

SHEPARD

So untold civilisations have placed their trust in something that nobody has any idea as to how or when it will work. Maybe the Reapers have a point in constantly calling us inferior.

VENDETTA

The Citadel is the Catalyst, but the Reapers have moved it to Earth for marketing reasons.

SHEPARD

Now I'm picturing a bunch of Reapers grabbing onto the Citadel and going heave-ho.

SHEPARD returns to the NORMANDY and prepares to TAKE EARTH BACK LIKE THE MARKETING SAID TO!

INT. WAR ROOM - SSV NORMANDY

ADMIRAL HACKETT arrives on the NORMANDY in PERSON.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

We've finished construction on the Crucible.

SHEPARD

Good, that means you've finally figured out exactly what it does?

ADMIRAL HACKETT

We still don't have the slightest clue. Now let me give a rousing speech to the fleet!

(into radio)

Never before have we been faced with a threat that took two whole games to get here. But we'll fight them! We'll fight them in scripted boss battles! We'll fight them in prerendered cutscenes! And we will prevail! By putting all our faith in one man and a piece of alien technology that might do a Halo and blow us up for all we know!

SHEPARD

I'm so roused right now.

LITERALLY EVERYONE arrives at EARTH. While the NORMANDY slips past, the rest of the FLEET engages the REAPERS.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Stop exploding, you cowards!

EXT. LONDON - EARTH

SHEPARD makes his way into THE RUINS OF LONDON and meets with CAPTAIN ANDERSON.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

The Crucible can't dock with the Citadel until it's opened. So we have to fight our way to this laser thingie that'll beam us aboard.

SHEPARD

Let's get to it before the Reapers figure out that they can just shut it off.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

First go talk to as many squad mates as you can. I'd like to see how many different versions of "the honour is all mine" they can come up with.

SHEPARD speaks with his CREW.

SHEPARD

We've all lost so much. The Reapers are now doing slapdash reenactments of War Of The Worlds everywhere, foghorns and everything. But I believe that I've chosen all your abilities for you wisely. Now let's go marginally win this thing!

After a LENGTHY BATTLE, SHEPARD and his TEAM make it to the LASER THINGIE. Then, HARBINGER drops in.

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Oh fuck, it's Harbinger!

SHEPARD

Relax, guys! He's just going to start yammering about our inferiority and how we're "dust struggling against cosmic winds" or something! Let's keep moving!

HARBINGER

Guess again! I don't even have any lines, but I make up for that by actually being effective for a change!

HARBINGER totally KILLS EVERYONE and CRITICALLY INJURES SHEPARD. He and ANDERSON still manage to get to the CITADEL.

INT. CITADEL

Inside the CITADEL, SHEPARD walks into what looks like the HALO LIBRARY LEVEL, where ANDERSON is being CONTROLLED by THE ILLUSIVE MAN.

ILLUSIVE MAN

I have absolutely no idea how I ended up here!

SHEPARD

Oh no, I suddenly can't move! Does this mean we're finally touching on the painfully overlooked plot point that I have Cerberus cybernetics inside me and you own the rights to me?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Nope! As you can see I'm controlling Anderson as well, so this is just generic Reaper tech.

THE ILLUSIVE MAN forces SHEPARD to SHOOT ANDERSON.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

Ow! That just proves you're indoctrinated! How can you hope to control the Reapers when they already control you?

ILLUSIVE MAN

Okay yeah, I did perform all my sick experiments on humans, despite purportedly championing humanity. But I refuse to believe that!

SHEPARD

Your face is covered in Reaper tech! If only I'd been a woman! I would've had a mirror on me!

ILLUSIVE MAN

Wait a minute. I'm a secondary villain hoping to somehow deal with the Reapers only to realise he's been indoctrinated all along. I'm basically Saren, aren't I? But I haven't used an overly clichéd line yet!

SHEPARD

You walked in here saying "you underestimated me."

ILLUSIVE MAN

I tried, Shepard!

THE ILLUSIVE MAN commits SUICIDE. SHEPARD then opens the CITADEL.

CAPTAIN ANDERSON

You did good, son. I guess I can die knowing that for me, the game ends here.

(dies)

SHEPARD

Aren't you the lucky one.

The CRUCIBLE, which looks like a GIANT PLAYSTATION MOVE CONTROLLER, docks with the CITADEL. The REAPERS, despite being EVERYWHERE and having tried to STOP this, do exactly NOTHING.

ADMIRAL HACKETT

Shepard, the Crucible isn't firing! Have you tried turning it off and on again?

A HOLOGRAM of the DEAD LITTLE BOY walks up to SHEPARD, who manages to STAND UP into a HUNCHED POSTURE like he needs to take a MASSIVE DUMP.

CATALYST

Surprise! The Citadel isn't the Catalyst, I am! Or I am the Citadel, I'm not sure, whatever. I'm totally making this up as I go along!

SHEPARD

Thank you very much for taking on the form of the very thing that's been haunting my nightmares.

CATALYST

I am an ancient artificial intelligence that created the Reapers in order to repeatedly prevent the inevitable conflict between synthetic intelligences and their organic creators. I bring order to the chaos.

SHEPARD

So you decided to stop organic civilisations from being destroyed by their synthetic creations --

(beat)

by creating a synthetic race of war machines to preemptively destroy those civilisations anyway? That's like burning down a forest to stop campfires from spreading.

CATALYST

Not destroy, preserve. The organic civilisations are harvested so they may live on forever.

SHEPARD

Yeah, as Reaper smoothies. You're basically creating an infinite museum that you add to every 50,000 years. And if that's what the Reapers are doing, why do they have to be so goddamn smug about it? Every single one I've talked to spoke of how they would "end us."

CATALYST

Beats them doing what they do while saying "We are helping you!"

SHEPARD

And didn't we just prove that synthetics don't always destroy their makers? EDI has helped us every step of the way, and the geth, while having all the justification and means to wipe out the quarians, instead chose to be super duper nice and help them rebuild their homeworld. Of their own free will! And look at me! I myself represent a union between organic and synthetic life, considering I have cybernetics keeping me alive.

CATALYST

No, the created will always rebel against their creators! It is inevitable in the long run. Except the Reapers, they haven't rebelled against me in the history of forever. Anyways, I'm now going to spare the galaxy and stop the cycle.

SHEPARD

Oh, as a reward for having put in the effort to do so well uniting all the different races and assembling war assets? Or maybe on the strength of my arguments?

CATALYST

Nope, all of that is completely irrelevant and I'm only doing this because you made it this far, which is something that happens no matter what you do. It's your reward not for how you finished the game, but merely that you finished it.

SHEPARD

Wait, this isn't going to be like Deus Ex: Human Revolution where I get to decide on the fate of everything by pushing a button, right?

CATALYST

Oh, don't be silly. You instead get to slowly stumble over to the ending of your choice! Left means you can gain control of the Reapers. Right means you can destroy not just the Reapers, but all synthetic life.

SHEPARD

So I can either do what the Illusive Man wanted or I can defeat the Reapers by also committing genocide on EDI and the geth, even though I've repeatedly asserted that artificial intelligences can be considered alive and beautiful.

CATALYST

Well, there is a third option that allows you to fuse all organics and synthetics together to create a new lifeform, but you didn't play nearly enough multiplayer to unlock that one. Probably just as well, since that ending would ignore all the peacemaking work you've done even more by saying that homogeneity is the way forward.

SHEPARD

You're shitting me. How is this any different from the ending to The Matrix Reloaded? We just fought an epic battle on faith alone only to be faced with a previously unseen mastermind who simply explains the bigger picture and then offers a choice that has next to nothing to do with everything that led up to it!

CATALYST

Exactly. Now hurry up and choose, because you still have to turtlewalk over there and who knows how many more people have died while we were standing here talking.

SHEPARD

Well, since this is pretty much a meaningless choice, I guess I'll pick the one where I destroy all synthetic life. The only cool geth is already dead anyway and at least now I can totally cockblock Joker.

SHEPARD stumbles over to a POWER CONDUIT and SHOOTS IT. After the resulting EXPLOSION KILLS HIM, the CATALYST ticks the box that says RED PULSE WAVE on the ENDING GENERATOR. The CRUCIBLE FIRES and JOKER is then seen outrunning the PULSE WAVE by CRASH-LANDING the NORMANDY on some JUNGLE PLANET.

JOKER

Whew, close one. Wait, how did we get here?

GARRUS VAKARIAN

Yeah, one minute we were being owned by Harbinger, and the next we're gazing contemplatively at a bunch of leaves.

LIARA T'SONI

Did anyone check to see what happened to Shepard? Or did we all just inexplicably leave the battle for Earth?

JOKER

Wait, where's EDI? AH GODDAMNIT!

The CREDITS ROLL INFURIATINGLY, after which BUZZ FUCKING ALDRIN promises MORE DLC.

THE END, BUT NOT REALLY

INT. BRIDGE - SSV NORMANDY

SHEPARD magically reappears aboard the NORMANDY.

SHEPARD

Whoa, didn't I just die? Can't you give me five fucking seconds to come to terms with the ending before shunting me back to a point where more DLC can be introduced? You're making it seem like it was all a dream.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

(eating a cupcake)

We honestly weren't expecting this kind of backlash.

SHEPARD

Well, you're dealing with a fanbase that cries bloody murder when a webcomic spells my name Shepherd. So when the developers themselves are perceived to have dropped the ball by turning what was essentially a footnote of the Mass Effect lore into its core theme at the last minute --

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

Okay smartass, then what is the core theme?

SHEPARD

The Mass Effect games are all about making difficult choices and living with the consequences. They're about not being able to please everyone. I couldn't save both Ashley and Kaidan. You chose to end the series this way. Your problem is that the people you disappointed didn't end up dead, so they're still around to bitch about it.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

But they did raise $80,000 for charity to show that they're serious about their protest.

SHEPARD

That's not the point. They just did that to bring attention to themselves rather than the cause they raised money for. It doesn't add weight to the validity of their arguments or opinions. What if some guy cured cancer only so he could tell Christopher Nolan: "Yeah, I didn't like the ending to Inception, too vague, change it," and he went: "Okay, I guess now I have to."

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

So you're saying we shouldn't change the endings, no matter how ridiculous and thematically incongruous they may be?

SHEPARD keeps hammering the PARAGON DIALOGUE OPTION.

SHEPARD

I'm saying you should engage your fans on the basis of their reasoned and thoughtful arguments against your endings. And argue back on that same intellectual level, don't hide behind corporate speak. That's all the fans have to go on to second-guess your intentions. They're comparing what they got to what you promised them with vague statements like "we want the endings to be controversial" and "it won't be a matter of picking ending A, B, or C."

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

But if we in turn open up about our reasoning behind the endings, won't we take away from their integrity? It's like a joke you have to explain which then ceases to be funny.

SHEPARD

Good endings speak for themselves. Changing them would impact your integrity. It'd be like going back to the quick save before you made the choice.

DEVELOPER BIOWARE

You're right. We're going out there to face the Internet!

DEVELOPER BIOWARE totally WUSSES OUT and announces MORE DLC with VAGUE CORPORATE SPEAK.

PUBLISHER ELECTRONIC ARTS

Yes, spend spend spend!

THE END, BUT STILL NOT REALLY